I share this important Good Man post by Melissa Edgington (with her permission) because we, as women, must learn better how to feed ourselves rather than waiting for someone (a husband) to feed us.
I am constantly seeing different posts on Facebook about the kind of man we ought to marry or the kind we ought to wait for or the kind we deserve.
The hypothetical creatures that are described in these memes will supposedly do everything from standing in the rain with us to making us breakfast in bed to pampering us when we’re having our period.
They will call us “darling” and apologize even when we’re wrong and will treat us like a child when we want them to and like a grown up when we want them to.
They’ll hold us when we cry and hold us when we are throwing a fit and hold us when we are being a spoiled brat.
They will give us money for whatever we want.
They will never question us.
They will rub our feet and warm our towel in the dryer during the hot bath that they drew for us.
They will greet us with roses on a regular basis, and they will always, most definitely, understand all the inner workings of our mind.
And, if they don’t, then they will acknowledge their idiocy and our brilliance.
I’m not really sure how these things keep getting passed around, or why so many women seem to feel that men like this exist.
And, I suppose the bigger question is: why would you want a man like this?
The make-believe figures that keep making the rounds on social media sound to me like husbands who will in no way challenge you or help you to grow as a person.
Do we REALLY want men who are so afraid of us that they would never question us?
Do we really believe that we are so privileged or perfect that we never need questioning?
Are these the men that single women are really waiting for? Are married women really convinced that posting such things will motivate their husbands to be different?
I’m so confused.
Here’s the truth.
Men are human beings, just like women are human beings.
But, we have let silly movies and fantasies lead us to believe that the REALLY good men are different. That they spend their entire day dreaming up ways to pamper us.
We fool ourselves into thinking that the really good men leave love notes and wash dishes and plan elaborate trips and show up with diamonds they can’t afford.
We live in our chick flick haze and we get upset when our really good men go to work and play with the kids and mow the yard and make sure the tires on our cars are okay.
We are dissatisfied when our men sit on the couch and watch football.
We just don’t feel special enough when our really good men smile across the room because, you know, no flowers, no chocolates, no handmade book of memories, no rose petal paths to anyplace.
Is He a Really Good Man?
It’s just getting absurd.
You want to know if you have a REALLY good man?
Here’s a test for you.
Does he love God?
Does he love you?
Does he work hard?
Does he come home?
Does he love your children?
If so, then you’ve got a good man.
I remember one night many years ago. Chad came home late, and it had snowed. Our normally ugly rundown little neighborhood was covered in a beautiful, clean blanket of glittery white snow.
He came to the door, and he was flushed and looked freezing. I could tell he was excited.
He led me out the front door of our little house, and I stood on the porch and read the words he had stamped into the snow with his now soaked tennis shoes:
Chad loves Melissa.
It was a sweet, sincere, spur-of-the-moment expression of his love.
And… I wasn’t satisfied with it.
I wondered why he put so little effort into showing his care for me.
I had been duped into believing that really good men make showy, elaborate, breath-taking statements of their love.
And, because I was so determined that that meant money spent and plans made well in advance, I missed, in that moment, the beauty of the showy, elaborate, breath-taking statement that he had stamped out in our snowy front yard in the middle of the night.
Don’t worry. I see it now.
Please, please, dear wives and women who are waiting: Don’t miss the really good man who is right in front of you because you are too focused on the imaginary men that you have read about in books or seen in movies.
Not every day has to be a fairy tale.
Some days are all paying bills and buying dog food and eating leftovers. Some days are all annoying habits and not enough sleep. Some days are better and some are worse.
But, we promised to stick close through both types of days. And, we should never, ever lose our wonder at the miracle of living life together.
If we will only learn to appreciate our really good men for who they are and what they do, then one day, when they leave the last Oreo for us or when they make sure our car registration is up to date or when they wink at us across a crowded room, we’ll remember that real romance is so much more than diamonds and whatever Nicholas Sparks dreams up.
The really good men deserve better than our constant criticism and dissatisfaction.
The grass isn’t greener in chick flick land.
It’s astroturf.
Stick to your own yard, where your really good man is probably mowing.
That’s true romance.
_______________
So what do you do when your man is NOT?
My husband Chad and I have been married for 16 years, and we have had all kinds of adventures, from our days in Music City with his rock band, to teaching junior high school in classrooms right next door to each other, to law school and the attorney life, to incredible years watching God work in churches where we have served.
Three things come through Melissa’s writing: God is good, He is trustworthy, and He is firmly in control. You can find Melissa over at Your Mom Has A Blog.
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“It is idolatrous to make our imaginations [or our vision of what life should be like] more important than joyful obedience.” ~Elyse Fitzpatrick
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Erin
I once heard our niece tease her (then single) sister by saying,”She’s waiting for a Mr. Darcy”. She later married a good man…not at much like Mr. Darcy.
It stuck in my mind and I’ve pondered why we women have unrealistic expectations. This blog gives many reasons, but I’ve think there is one more. Girls/young women are no longer seen as needing their honor or virtue protected. Women want to be cherished and protected. We may be conflating romantic gestures with chivalry that used to be a part of western civilization. Feminism destroyed it and women long for it, but we are so steeped in a feminist world view that we don’t truly understand what we want. Instead, we demand never ending romantic gestures.
Men, too, are steeped in feminism. Young men especially treat women as equals. Some still hold doors for women, but it’s getting more rare. Few will stand to offer their seat in a crowded place, fewer still will stand when a woman excuses herself from the table. For the record, neither my husband nor sons stands when I stand up to leave the table. It has never occurred to me to request it. Holding doors, though, is expected. Men have no longer been taught to treat women “like ladies” and we miss it even though we’ve been taught to view it as old fashioned chauvinism.
Charlotte Moore
I did get a “REAL” GOOD man almost 48 years ago. Very good reading.
Lady Virtue
Good post and good comments. If your husband is fulfilling his God-given roles of headship, provider, and protector, he is a good man. Be a good help meet for him. Submit to him and reverence him, as God requires you to do. Prince Charmings and Mr. Perfects do not exist, as we all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (there is no Miss Perfect, either). Forbearing with each other and being longsuffering towards one another is a big part of day-to-day, ordinary marriage; it reflects the charity that Christ shows us, which none of us deserve.
Jacqueline
So beautifully said, dear Lady Virtue! Thank you for your choice words 😀
Erica Ricky Kennedy
I couldn’t possibly agree more. Over the years, more than once, I have thought (or said) “I don’t deserve this…” but the Holy Spirit immediately responds that No, I deserve much worse… This is a very humbling realization, about which we should not need to be reminded over and over. I am a sinner and I deserve Hell. So, does my beloved. But God has given us blessing after blessing, chief among which is our spouse. I try to focus on being the Christian wife that my husband needs, and pray that he is doing the same toward me. My husband is my first ministry, followed by my children (when they were children.) I am grateful for my imperfect husband, for I fear that I could not lift up to a more perfect one.
Erica Ricky Kennedy
“live” not lift in the last line…
Jacqueline
Erica, you have such a beautiful heart! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You speak truth, friend!!
God bless you, your husband and family! Merry Christmas soon!!
Edie
I am ever so thankful for my really good man. My husband of seventeen years this month is such an amazing blessing to me.
I had a friend ask me over the weekend how you know if a man is a “good one” or not. Even the ones found at church often have woefully limited life skills. I told her to see how he treats the handicapped (mentally or physically), the very young after a long tiring day, and the aged. A man can have the “right ” answers to your questions, but what are his actions and his reactions to difficult people and circumstances.
Jacqueline
That is an excellent test…and how he treats his mother and grandparents.
You and I are blessed and I thank God for it!
Hugs to you, Edie 🙂
Donna J
I can hardly begin to explain how timely your post is for me. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and they have been a tough 15. Just three nights ago, he and I were discussing some things that had caused issues between us, and I told him how I recently realized how I was expecting him to be like a character in a romance novel. He would tell me how he was trying to make me happy, but I wasn’t seeing it. I’m trying to let go of those unrealistic “romance novel” expectations because they have been destroying our relationship. Who knows how many little things I missed over the years because my husband didn’t do “romance” the way I expected it? One of my favorite gifts from him was a hand-picked bouquet of flowers that he picked from the field next to our yard about 5 years ago. I think I need to thank him for those again.
Jacqueline
Oh, Donna J., that brings tears of joy to my eyes!!! Music to my ears!
I am praying for you and your marriage, dear one. Many blessings 😀
Madison
*little gasp* Oh mercy. I laughed at the first part and was sobered by the rest. This article is so good. As a single girl myself, even though I’ve tried hard to battle the idea of a ‘wonder man’ that the internet and girlish fantasies paint for me, it’s hard to remember that even the most wonderful man will still be only a man. It’s Christ who can fulfill me emotionally and spiritually– it is Christ in whom I must find my security.
It’s funny how you can know something and yet have to have it driven home over and over again to really *realize* it.
Jacqueline
Oh, Madison 😀 You are not alone, dear! I have to have these lessons presented repeatedly. WE are fallible, too 😀
(((Hugs!)))
Kathleen
Hi Jacqueline, – Congratulations this post was among the TOP most clicked in the Blogger’s Pit Stop. It will be FEATURED on Friday. Well done.
Kathleen
Jacqueline
Thanks, Kathleen!
Melanie
After being a divorced single parent for 12 years God graciously gave me a husband in 2019. Being married to a man that loves me, that comes home every night, that helps me raise my sons and works hard to provide a living is an absolute dream. It is the simple things in life that really matter. It is so wonderful loving and being loved even in the daily hum-drum struggles of life.