Is your home child-centered?
Sadly, this modern philosophy is misleading many parents.
[I share this important post by homeschool Mom Mrs. June Fuentes (with her permission), because we want your families to thrive.]
A reader recently commented:
I’ve been reading your blog for some time now. I’m a stay at home mother parenting my 4 year old. I feel absolutely frustrated and maybe that is why, now, I’m reaching out for help.
I am ashamed to admit this, but maybe someone can help me restore peace to my home.
My 4 year old runs our home. Literally. And I am at my wits end. As is my husband. I have always considered myself a gentle parent, a patient mother, who gives a lot of time and attention to my child. I believe that this is my highest calling, and I cry when I think about how I am the one who must be doing everything wrong.
My daughter throws horrible tantrums. Technology is a battle ground. She screams at me and my husband. She tells us she hates us. She refuses to stop talking over us when my husband and I are trying to talk with one another. She engages her father into arguments, and constantly upsets him. She wakes up in the morning and demands breakfast and cartoons. Sometimes the day begins with a tantrum. She has no respect for us. She constantly backtalks.
We have removed TV, toys, and I have let my home go, so I can spend more time with her. You see, a therapist tried to tell me that my daughter was fine, that it was me that had to bend to her will and give her my full attention around the clock.
She’s going on 5. This has to stop. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what information to turn to that could help bring peace into our home. It is to a point where my husband and I cannot even enjoy our home or time together when he comes home from a 10 hour shift at work. He is a patient loving father. A good husband. But all of these stresses are starting to cause cracks in our foundation. We even find ourselves arguing now with one another when the stress is high. Our home feels divided on most days. My husband and I cannot figure out how to solve the problem.
I’m reaching out here for anyone to please help me. I feel like I’m at my wits end. I pray so hard for something to change, and maybe I just don’t have the right parenting tools or the know-how. I just want my daughter to be respectful and the tantrums to end. I cannot even function on some days, they are that bad.
Please help! Anyone!
Thank you!
Dear Reader, Practical Biblical Help:
1. Pray to God for parenting wisdom, for courage, for patience and tough love as you and your husband embark upon turning your home around.
2. Read Scripture about child-training and get a good book on child-training (Proverbs is great). I recommend Biblical Parenting by Don Gilchrist—read together with your husband or share with your husband the highlights of the book when he gets home from work if he doesn’t have time.
3. Don’t listen to that therapist. In fact, don’t ever go back again! I recommend getting wise counsel from your pastor or a biblical counselor instead.
4. Let your child know you are sorry for not training her in the past and from now on things are going to change. When she yells or talks back–let her know it is unacceptable. If she does not obey, there needs to be discipline. Train her to obey you the first time. It takes time, she won’t be perfect, but it is possible. This is crucial to the peace of your home, your sanity, your marriage, and to raising her to one day obey God. If she cannot obey you she will have a hard time obeying Him.
5. Check for contributing food issues. Dyes, food additives, preservatives, unknown food allergies.
- The Surprising Food That May Cause Anger & Aggression
- Red Dye #40 Can Cause Non-ADD Kids Hyperactive, Angry & Alter Brain Function
- Evidence: How Foods With Additives Affect Children’s Behavior
- Addictive Flavors & The Foods To Avoid That Contain Them
- MSG’s Connection to Obesity, Seizures and Sudden Death
6. Anger sounds like it is an issue here. Where is this little child learning all this anger? Is it from within the home? Friends? TV? You must teach your daughter self-control and how to use her anger for good. Outside of reading the Bible on this issue, I also highly recommend ‘The Heart of Anger’ by Lou Priolo.
7. As you begin learning how to properly train her/him—I encourage CONSISTENCY. I know this will be hard at first but absolutely essential if you want to gain any ground. If she sees there is a weak spot in the wall, she will go for it every time.
8. Be united in your parenting with your husband. Discuss how you will parent her and be on the same page, letting Dad take the lead. Be sure she does not try to divide you or manipulate you and your husband. She must see that you two are parenting as a team. If you disagree with anything, talk with your husband in private in the other room out of earshot. Also, know you will probably be responsible for the bulk of the training if you are at home with her most of the time. When your husband is home, let him take the lead in disciplining, etc.
9. Shepherd her/his heart. As much as we need God to shepherd ours–she needs her shepherded, too. Teach her God’s word and show her how it applies to real life. Love her with an unconditional love, but also with a tough love that doesn’t want to see her perish because of her anger and lack of self-control.
10. Don’t get discouraged. It is not too late. You can turn the tide. It will not be easy but you can do it. Children most of all need boundaries and feel secure when these exist. Provide these things and see your home do a complete turn around!
Books On Purposeful Parenting:
- The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo
- James Dobson books: The Strong-Willed Child, Love Must Be Tough, Bringing Up Boys
- Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom For Raising Your Child, John Rosemond
- Shepherding Your Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp
There is no need for the child to rule the home—peace CAN reign, but it takes trust in God, hard work, time and love. Know that you and your husband are doing the right thing both for your daughter’s sake and your home. While I cannot address all I’d like to on such a broad topic such as parenting in one post-I hope this little bit helps.
May the Lord bless your parenting endeavors!
My name is Mrs. June Fuentes, and I am happily married to Steve, my church planting husband of over 24 years. I am a blessed homeschooling mother to nine beautiful children that we are raising for the Lord. I have a heart to see mothers all around the world grasp the vision of biblical motherhood and to see this noble role restored in the 21st century to the glory of God. I strongly believe that weak homes equate a weak nation and therefore created A Wise Woman Builds Her Home to minister to Christian women on building up strong Christian homes.Jacqueline’s Note:
And I can’t over-emphasize the role food plays!
Hidden additives in food can cause unsuspected challenges and can undermine reasonable, purposeful parenting.
Our children’s food allergies were never allowed to be an excuse for bad behavior. A child still needs to be responsible for their own actions and learn to conquer their own self-will.
“The earlier the parents begin to make the laws of order and beauty and quietness comprehensible to their children, the sooner they will acquire good, strong notions of what is so basic to real godliness: self-denial. A Christian home should be a place of peace, and there can be no peace where there is no self-denial.” ~Elisabeth Elliot
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Ruth
Check for food issues. Dyes, preservatives, petroleum derived additives, allergies (it’s corn for one of my kids). Those all come to mind in addition to the advice given by Jacqueline. Another helpful book is 1-2-3 Magic. Have autism/adhd/SPD etc been eliminated as possibilities? All the best as you figure out more of God’s peace in your home.
Jessica
Great helps listed here. I would say #7 is so important. Also, try not to let her see that you are weary and worn, but instead that you are not much affected by her outbursts. With God’s help, you can exude joy and cheerfulness. Let her see you laughing and enjoying life. When my oldest, now 16 years old, was still a baby, I read To Train Up A Child by Michael Pearl. That book, along with their three books No Greater Joy Vol. 1, 2, 3 were so helpful and practical. You won’t agree with all that you read, and that’s ok. Just glean from the best of it and may the applications of it help in restoring peace to your home.
Jacqueline
Yes!! And again, I say, ‘Yes’! Those books were like gold to us ( a lifeline), and we did NOT agree with everything. We didn’t throw the good out b/c we didn’t concur with all of it. We must be choosy! Thank you for sharing to not let them see your fatigue and weariness! We Mamas set the tone in the family and our JOY can overcome many obstacles! (Hugs!)
Mrs. O
I second “To train up a child”! It turned our home around. I would also respectfully disagree that anger needs to be “learned”, as we are born with a sin nature.
God bless
Mrs.O
Kathy
We have also read Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond. Very practical advice. Your child cannot argue with you if you do not argue back! Do not take insults personally and it is very important that she learns she must pay more attention to you then you do to her. To be a fully functioning Christ follower she must learn humility, empathy and self control, and the 3 r’s – Respect, Responsibility and Resourcefullness. I have 4 adult children married to Chrisr followers and all engaged in ministry. This is all by the grace of a loving God for sure.
Jacqueline
Yes! Thank you for the book resource, Kathy! I am so thankful for the legacy you and Gary are leaving!! You are both a light and a witness of God’s mercy and abundant blessing on those who follow Him unreservedly! ((Hugs!))
Charlotte Moore
Food can really make a difference in how children behave. I know from seeing it when I worked at school. I also saw our great-granddaughter change a lot when she was taken off gluten.
Hope you are doing well Jacqueline! GOD BLESS!
Jacqueline
Thank you, dearie!! Charlotte I know you know what you are talking about as a teacher and an engaged grand-parent! Thank you for this comment! Love you in the Lord 😀
Anna
I have been through this personally, having read many things as a new parent on how to gently parent, I learned incorrect things. When faced with a 5 year old who was clearly out of control and making me crazy, I began to pray about what to do. I was led over time to the passage that says that the blueness of wounds heals the soul, and to not fear to beat your children, for they will not die. Better to enter heaven maimed that to be whole and in hell. Yes it really says that. Yes it is that serious. I was so afraid of doing temporary harm that I was causing permanent harm, that to this day, 4 years later, I am still reaping the consequences. Now I’m no advocate of being overly harsh, or unneccesarily cruel. My son responds better to relatively painless techniques such as time outs or loss of tv time than anything else.
In my search for better parenting, applying simple techniques such as time out or a spanking each time, every time there is a behavior you do not want her to display, without fail and without more than one warning, will mostly do the trick. Do not give in! Remind her and yourself constantly that Mama is in charge, and her first duty to God is to obey her parents, because God says so, no explanation necessary. It will be hard the first few weeks, your heart will break, you must stand fast, be the Alpha. Make her submit. She will not show it at first but she will be glad to find that when she pushes you and you don’t give way, there is a firm rock and bulwark, and she will find safety and security in that.
The other even more important consideration is the fact that our children mirror our attitudes and behaviors, so much so that I would venture to say, the anger is coming from you and your husband. Scripture says, Fathers, don’t provoke your sons to anger. When children feel that justice is not done, even to themselves, they get so angry. My guess is that when you begin to enforce boundaries with your daughter, and make sure your own anger is under control, her anger issues will subside and you will have a calm and happy, for the most part, home.
Jacqueline
Thank you for having the courage and love to share your story, Anna. It takes courage and strength to make the necessary changes!
Hannah
I want to add a heartfelt recommendation for How We Love and How We Love Our Kids. As one raised by many of the books and promotions listed above, I have only recently come across the How We Love books and it has been enormously helpful in understanding and distinguishing what is ‘mine’ and what is ‘theirs’ and how to improve the communication between us. The above books are very useful tools for ‘what’, but i was still majorly at a loss for ‘how.’ How to deal with the stress, how to parent my child through the expectations and my failures, how to see my failures and their effects, and most helpfully of all, how to take the biblical training i had and implement it using fresh methods and understandings of child development and communication function.