The situation was a shocker.
[Rachel Normal from A Mother Far From Home has given me permission to share this insightful guest post because we both want you and your family to thrive!]
After 6 months of deliberation (the should-I-stay-or-should-I-go kind), a husband in our church reconnected with his former girlfriend through Facebook and left his family.
He traded his wife and two children for another woman while insisting he was not having an affair. After all, they hadn’t had sex.
While his wife sat on the back row sobbing and seeking love and support in the one place she could find it, he shook hands, gave smug smiles, and acted as though it was the most natural thing in the world for him to come to his family church and celebrate his new chapter.
The kids were devastated. The wife was devastated. He was moving on. It was during this time I learned a valuable lesson about respect. Namely…
You can act respectfully towards another even if you don’t respect them.
How come?
Because acting respectfully has to do with your character; while being worthy of respect has to do with theirs.
Why does respecting and acting respectfully matter?
Christians really want to do what we think is right, and many have fallen into the trap of confusing acting respectfully with respecting.
The Bible says wives should respect their husbands. This is true. What is also true is many women are married to scumbags. Instead of realizing they can act respectfully without respecting, they are turning off their brain and behaving as though their husbands are respectable men.
Letting bad decisions go unchecked, failing to bring in wise counsel, allowing a toxic home environment for their children, all because they’re confusing the command to respect.
We worry calling out sin is disrespectful so we silently watch others take dangerous paths, not realizing we can respectfully tell someone truth they don’t want to hear. Parents allow teenagers to engage in outright rebellious behavior under their own roof in the name of “respecting their decisions” even when the decisions are clearly detrimental.
Acting respectfully is based on your integrity
Quite frankly, I had a lot to say to that husband. I could have given him a clear picture of how I viewed his behavior, but it wasn’t my place. In fact, it was the first time I realized you could act respectfully towards someone you had absolutely no respect for.
I didn’t need to shame, demean, or gossip about him. In fact, no one needed to because the situation was laid bare for all to see.
Others are responsible for their actions, and I am responsible for mine.
Acting respectfully is a choice, respecting is automatic
Respect is a natural response to someone of honor. I don’t have to convince myself to respect someone honorable. I simply do. This is instinctual and natural, and part of how we’ve operated effectively in society for centuries.
Leaders are given their positions largely based on the respect, confidence, and trust they engender. Whether you choose to treat someone with respect is a choice. When others live with integrity and character, you will naturally perceive them as respectable.
Honor really matters
If we as a society do not honor those who are godly, upright, and respectable, people will stop striving to possess those qualities. If we consider others respectable simply because they were born then, well… that’s distorted.
We all make mistakes and no one is perfect, but those who cultivate high character (what they do when no one is looking) should be honored and respected.
What good is it to honor an adulterer who is abandoning his family as much as I honor a man who is working hard and sacrificing to provide for his family? It is not equal, it is false.
Respect is subjective
The same characteristics causing me to respect a person might repel someone with different values. This is how we naturally break off into groups with common beliefs.
Imagine the young victim of a bully breaks his harasser’s nose. Some may respect the child for standing up for himself, others may not respect him for his show of violence.
This is why it’s important we model our values and beliefs to our children. If we want them to view qualities such as honesty, integrity, generosity, compassion, and love as respectable, we need to honor those qualities in action.
Ultimately, it’s how you “love the sinner and hate the sin”
When people cannot be nice to someone they dislike, they’re confusing acting respectfully with respecting. They do not respect a person or their choices, so refuse to be nice. This is because they view acting respectfully as condoning. They view acting respectfully as honoring the entire person.
It is entirely possible to treat others with courtesy and dignity, even if we do not respect their character or their actions. It’s called being civil.
Just because you are civil with someone does not mean you think they’re MOTY quality. As you begin to honor those who are respectable, you’ll notice how different the treatment is to that of simply acting respectfully.
We can act respectfully without condoning.
We can be civil without bestowing honor.
We can be nice even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.
We can do this because of our own character, not because of theirs.
Rachel Norman, BA, MS, is a certified baby and toddler sleep consultant, routine connoisseur, parent coach, and mama to 5 precious kiddos. At one point, she had 5 kids in 5 years and lived to tell the tale! Rachel teaches important life skills, so life doesn’t have to be all chaos just because you have little kids! You can find her at A Mother Far From Home.
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” ~Matthew 7:12
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KG
It is true that we can remain civil and treat others in a correct way even when they are in the wrong.
It is also very true that respecting/honoring authority is never a place for turning off our knowledge of God’s truth and permitting all sort of things to happen.
It is, however, problematic that the man in the situation felt comfortable to be in church and the elders seem to have said nothing (or how could he be smiling and shaking hands in celebration?). He is shaking hands and smiling!? Who is shaking his hand and pretending nothing is happening?
We are to speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15).
When a brother sins he is to be confronted first privatly than with witnesses than by the church. If he persists in his sin instead of repenting then he is not to be treated as if nothing is wrong (Matt 18:15-17). (As an aside this only until there is repentance and yes I know some churches have used it improperly.)
Paul makes it clear in 1 Cor 5:11 that persons who are considered brothers in faith are to be rebuked, not silently tolerated if they are in sin.
My heart breaks for this woman and her children. especially if the leadership of her church is indeed condoning and allowing others to condone the situation.
One can be perfectly civil, loving and kind while saying, “what you are doing is wrong and I cannot shake your hand and pretend otherwise.”
I think of Paul when he confronted Peter over the hypocrisy of going back to only eating with the Jews (Gal 2:11-14). What do you think he would have said here?
Jacqueline
Hi, KG, I wondered that, too. I would never go to a church that was okay with that kind of behavior, and failed to do a Matthew 18 intervention with him!
Thanks for speaking out and voicing a thought many of us may have had..
~Jacque
Annie Abraham
Thanks for this article. We need more of such articles, as we live in very narcissistic times, and the church is not too different from the culture.
Some times we read the Bible and do not get a clear understanding rightaway, and we end up enabling behavior such as this, instead of moving to mitigate the misery being caused us and our family.
The portions in Scripture, about submission and respect for husbands are prime examples of this, as we conclude that it is unconditional. The church often plays along with these misconceptions, causing so much harm to the wife and the kids. The victims are vitimized and alienated further. It is only the wisdom from the Spirit of God that can help a woman in such a situation, really see, and live/act from her true identity, which will bring healing to all concerned.
As it says in 1 Jn 2:27 – But THE ANOINTING which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone teach you; but as THE SAME ANOINTING TEACHES YOU CONCERNING ALL THINGS, and IS TRUE, AND IS NOT A LIE, and just as it has taught you, you will abide in Him.
Jacqueline
Annie, thank you for adding to this discussion. Yes, we have lost our salt in many (but not all) churches. Thankfully, we have the Holy Spirit and the Word which do not disappoint us, when we search for answers.
Blessings,
Jacque