Die Gartenlaube by Berthold Woltze
Men. A thought-provoking guest post about them by Rebekah Neal:
In his beautiful, rich book, A Promise Kept, the late Robertson McQuilkin recounts a humorous but poignant story. (You can read more about Robertson McQuilkin here.)
McQuilkin was caring for his wife Muriel in their home. He had resigned as President of Colombia Bible College in order to be her full-time caregiver, a conviction which he believed the Lord had personally placed upon his heart.
Muriel had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at a comparably young age and would often have accidents as her disease progressed and her memory worsened. She came to the point where she could not control her bodily functions and went to the bathroom on the floor.
McQuilkin recalls cleaning the mess up, while at the same time trying to keep Muriel from “helping” him to clean (he was concerned that she would slip and hurt herself.) As he was cleaning, McQuilkin, who had been listening to a Charles Swindoll broadcast, suddenly heard Swindoll say “Men, are you at home? I mean, really, at home?” And McQuilkin, seeing the humor in the situation, replied, “Yeah, Chuck, really I am; do I ever wish I weren’t!”
Men at Home
And so often we hear of women at home. Women who speak glowingly of their husbands and their children. Women who value the title of wife and mother. Women who build their lives around their spiritual calling to fulfill the feminine roles that the Lord has entrusted them with.
This is evidenced in the subject matter of many, many Christian women’s blogs. Often, the focus is upon marriage, children, and other homemaking interests. Not always, but often.
It is a God-honoring focus. Women seeking to fulfill their God-given roles in the unique and personal ways that the Lord is leading them to fulfill them.
But men… men at home?
The Homecoming by Jennie Augusta Brownscombe
This is something that has been upon my heart, especially in light of some recent failures and scandals.
Are our men really at home?
And some of them are. Definitely are. Their hearts are “at home,” serving Jesus in whatever vocation He has called them to, supporting their wives and children, loving the Lord with all their hearts and leading their families in worship and praise of Him.
But we have to admit, if we really want to be honest before the Lord, some of them are not.
And we love them, and we pray for them, and we want the best for them through the Lord, but their hearts, as it stands, are not “at home.”
We want our men to be at home. With us. With our children. With their God. But they are not. Something else captivates them, whether it be work, a hobby, another “love.”
Something else captivates their hearts. And they are not at home. Not at rest. Not at peace with God and with their family.
They may give lip service, but don’t really care about spiritual matters. Or perhaps they have grown cold towards their First Love.
They are not at home.
There are other men who give all the appearance of being at home. They attend church regularly. They fulfill their duties. They help around the house. They do what is required of them, and perhaps beyond what is required.
But their hearts are not at home. Not really. Their heart is bound to their electronic device, or their social media, or their work. They are actors but not real men at home with beating hearts of love and devotion and joy and selfless sacrifice.
They are lukewarm.
A part that always makes me chuckle in the Disney movie The Aristocats involves the English geese and the male cat, O’Malley. The female geese question whether or not the cat is married, and he evades the question. One of the geese looks him squarely in his shifty eyes and states–“You either are or you’re not,” To which he replies, “Alright, then; I’m not.”
We need men who are at home. Men who love the Lord with all their hearts and souls and minds and strength. Men who lead their families; men who take the hard, costly path of obedience; men who follow in the footsteps of our precious Savior.
There are men at home.
Freedom From Fear by Norman Rockwell
I have seen them in action. I have read of them, watched them, looked up to them, appreciated their devotion, commitment and love.
I thank God for the men who are truly at home.
Painting by Sir Samuel Luke Fildes
What about those who are not?
The answer is not manipulation. It is not ungodly pleading. The answer is not to ignore the problem, to falsely convince oneself or others that a man is “at home” when he is not.
The answer is prayer. It is fasting. It is pleading with God.
The answer is surrender. Entrusting oneself and one’s family over to a merciful and loving Heavenly Father. Entrusting the situation over to His love, knowing that He will work good from it.
We all struggle with this malady. Sometimes we are not “at home.” We are not in the center of God’s will. We are running, either physically or mentally away from it; we are wasting the life that the Lord has given to us on things that do not matter. We are not “at home.”
May He have mercy upon us. May He work in our minds and our hearts and our homes to be faithful to Him, to love Him with our heart, soul, mind and strength.
May He encourage men to become true men of God, leading their families in the ways of the Lord. May He strengthen women to be the discerning support of the head, praying, encouraging, strengthening.
May our families be built up in Him.
Men at home. Women at home. Children at home. In Him. Because of Him. Only by His grace.
At home.
Rebekah Neal is a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, the wife of her dear husband, Bill, and the mother of two cherished little ones, Deborah and Elisha. Her desire 
is to know and love the Lord more profoundly and to grow deeper into His ways. Rebekah loves the woods and their rambling paths, her family, working with her hands, singing, reading missionary biographies, gardening, and the smell of wood smoke on a cold autumn night. One of her first loves is writing prose and poetry about the workings of her Heavenly Father in the greatest and smallest details of life.
Please visit Rebekah’s blog Ready To Be Offered.
What is your story? Please feel free to share it here.
“Without the will, marriage is a mockery; without emotion, it is a drudgery. You need both.” ~Ravi Zacharias
©2023 Deep Roots at Home • All Rights Reserved
Christi
Lovely post. Thanks for sharing it.
Roxy
Greetings, Very good post; but it really does hurt so many women that have, missing Fathers for their children, and Husbands to love them. We live in a world where no one is really home in many families anymore. Missing either physically or emotionally or spiritually!
Blessings, Roxy
Charlotte Moore
How very true indeed. I think sometimes when a wife doesn’t keep the house, cook meals, or do what a stay at home wife and mother should do makes the husband not want to be home. So sad!!
Laura Jeanne
Jacqueline, could you please delete my comment above? I feel that I said more than I should have in public. Thank you.
Mrs L
This is an honest question- but what does it mean for a husband to have a heart tied to work?
I know that wives all want their husbands to think and care more for the family than for work- but in this day and age most husbands go out to work- so they are naturally not going to have their thoughts as full of home as the wife does. It seems natural to me for men to be mostly tied up in their work- and wasn’t Adam created for work?
Can anyone help me detangle this?
Jacqueline
No, Mrs. L,
That is a great question!! I’d love Rebekah Neal to answer it, too, but I’ll take a crack at it. I believe a man whose heart strings and very most precious thoughts (after his walk with the Lord Jesus) are for his wife and family is that man that is at home. He can work 10 hours a day, but still have his heart and affections be motivating and driving everything he does at work and at home. He works to provide food and shelter and security, not his next stock purchase; he works for a good reputation to witness about character and faith in his Creator; he models work ethic within bounds that aren’t excessive or out of balance; he thinks about family choices (education, health, worldly influences) so he is protecting his children’s hearts. His heart is towards his family because they give him the greatest joy in life. Where your treasure is, your heart will be also! Those are my thoughts, Mrs. L …I hope that helps! 🙂
Rebekah Neal
Yes! I think that Jacqueline answered beautifully. I understand your question–and it is a good one. Adam was created for work, and that usually will bring outside of the physical home. A woman’s sphere, according to my understanding of Scripture, lies within the realm of the home, and her primary calling is to fulfill her God-given work within the home–serving her children, her family, her God sacrificially.
A man works outside the home, but as Jacqueline explained, his heart is “with” his family, understanding that they are the responsibility and precious charge that the Lord has entrusted him with. He does his work to provide for their needs. His mind is fixed upon His God and his hope is not in the things of this life (material possessions, getting “ahead” in the workplace–[that is not his ultimate focus], distracted from his family by the things of this world). His heart is full of his God, and this produces love that reaches over to encompass and umbrella his family in his care and protection and provision.
I hope that this answer is helpful! 🙂
Jacqueline
Thanks, Rebekah – that is what every woman in the Lord ultimately longs for…a man that is a reflection of Christ laying down his life for the church. In this case, for his family. A man who is growing in his faith and spiritual walk with Jesus (even if they are baby steps) will grow in fruit (gifts of the Spirit): “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23.
And we as women (wives and mothers) should follow that and Colossians 3:12, as well, drawing our husbands ever closer to the Lord through our quiet and gentle spirit: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
It will be a constant sanctification and struggle for both husband and wife (we are both sinners), but God can work mightily through the challenges of life to conform us to Himself!
Ashley
I also think this could be men not being “home” by bringing their work home with them and being distracted by that while at home. For example, a man who answers his phone constantly after work hours is likely being distracted and not able to fully engage with the needs of the home if constantly on the phone or computer.
Jacqueline
Ashley, sadly, yes, but I pray the years may show him that his job (wealth, success, power, work addiction, bonuses, etc.) is not as fulfilling as he thought, and his family grows in importance. I am praying that the things of the world grow less attractive and things of eternal value will surpass/eclipse the phone and business opportunities (or personalities) on the other end of the conversation as he grows in Christ.
I pray Ephesians 3: 14-20 over my husband and family BY NAME like this: “Father, I pray that out of YOUR glorious riches YOU would strengthen ____ with power through YOUR Spirit in his (___’s) inner being, so that Christ may dwell in his (___’s) heart through faith. And I pray that ____, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to KNOW this love that surpasses knowledge — that ____ may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to YOU OH, LORD, who are able to do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine (regarding____), according to YOUR power that is at work within us, to YOU be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
If there is no mental or physical abuse and you are basically safe, Hang in there and be kind, supportive and fun to be with. Don’t let a seed of bitterness grow to corrupt many (Hebrews 12:15: “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”)
Pray for him and let the Lord do the work.
I am praying for you both,
Jacque
Corine
Very thought provoking post. Will have to think further about “men at home.”
Young Mama
this really opens a wound in my heart. It’s so hard but this post could not have come at a more perfect time. I know what is my responsibility and if I’m totally honest, more often than not, I forget to pray for my husband and his heart. Thank you for sharing.
Jacqueline
Aww…young Mama, I am praying for you right now. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you. Lord, bring this husband home and keep drawing him to Yourself in spirit and in truth! Be glorified in this situation, dear Lord and do it for Your namesake! xoxo
Laura Cron
Thank you for sharing this. I need to be more obedient in prayer. Trust God to change my husband’s heart. I just long for, him to simply pray with me. My heart aches. I’ve tried to share with him; but, it always ends up in viscous bickering. I don’t want my heart to harden, believing God for our relationship with each other and Christ.
Emilee
This feels so heavy in my heart. I’m grateful for this beautiful post and for the advice given. PRAY for them, FAST for them, PLEAD to the Lord for the, & surrender, entrusting ones self & ones family to a merciful & loving Heavenly Father. Entrusting his love, knowing that He will work good from it.
Jacqueline
Emilee, I am praying alongside you! Thank you! ~J