My heart has been overflowing with thoughts in the direction of forming good habits in our children – painful thoughts since so many families seem on the brink of despair. But there is a solution!
“The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children.” ~ Charlotte Mason, Laying Down the Rails: A Charlotte Mason Habits Handbook
An Analogy to Help Us Better Understand How Habits Are Formed
This is the home of my father’s childhood. He helped his Opa (grandfather) train the pears, and later, often related this simple principle of training children while young.
Later, when visiting my father’s early home, we saw loaded pear trees that had been purposely pruned (espaliered) to take on a certain shape.
Someone had trained those trees to grow in that direction when they were saplings.
Sure, fully-grown trees might be trained to some degree to grow in a certain way, but it is so much easier to truly shape a tree when it is just a pliable little sprout.
Charlotte Mason, a British educator who lived in the late 1800s, stated this principle for parents:
“What you would have the man become, that, you must train the child to be”.
The ‘Early Years’ are the perfect time to concentrate on forming good habits in our children. It is never too late to instill a good habit, but so much easier if we instill good habits right from the beginning!
The Bible gives us the same principle (though not an absolute guarantee): “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” ~Proverbs 22: 6
4 ‘Musts’ To Achieving Good Habits
1.) The value of keeping your children with you in the home environment (even though very imperfect) instead of sending them off to sit under the guidance of someone you DO NOT KNOW cannot be underestimated.
We cannot teach good habits if we are not there to gently form that young sapling, or our work will be undone!
Harry Brooker, Breakfast Time
2.) Understand that your child will not just simply grow out of his faults.
Let’s face it, our little own ones are often cute when they do wrong. But parents cannot afford to laugh at stubbornness, tantrums, or disobedience or it will lead to sure trouble. We are witnessing this in our culture to a greater degree than ever before.
Christian Pram-Henningsen (1846 – 1892, Danish) The Naughty Boy
“They say, ‘The child is so young; he does not know any better; but all that will come right as he grows up.’ Now, a fault of character left to itself can do no other than strengthen.” ~Charlotte Mason
Scripture tells us, “… a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” ~Proverbs 29: 15
3.) Be Consistent. I can’t overstate how important this is!
It will probably be the most difficult thing of all, but in the end bring huge rewards for your children and YOU.
The key to progress in any habit is repetition.
- Teach the habit by example as you allow your child to work along side you. Explain, but no nagging. If necessary show a picture…it is worth a thousand words!
- Do not consider it an interruption of your time. “Pay now or pay later”!
- Look for success. Praise goes a long way to reinforce right actions.
The more times our children do the right thing, the easier it will become. Soon they will be able to do the right thing without stopping to think about it. But if they do the right thing once or twice, then are allowed to do the wrong thing the third time, we have wiped out any progress in that new habit and have to start all over again.
“I can tell you that a parent’s imperfect efforts to home educate will bear more fruit than an environment that puts a strain on the parent-child relationship and obscures the Savior. The righteousness you long for, in your precious family, by God’s generous grace can be yours.” ~Karen Andreola
The Morning Meal, Rudolf Epp (1834 – 1910, German)
Mothers, we are less likely to grow weary in well-doing if we are consistent. Formation is easier than reformation. Please dear reader, pray earnestly for Wisdom to the heavenly Father Who hears us and don’t give up!
4.) Be Vigilant.
~Know your child’s heart by spending time with him or her. Allow them to open their little hearts to you and LISTEN with attention and eye contact. You will learn so much.
~As you interact day by day, winsomely encourage with applicable Scripture. It will take root in their heart. I encourage you to be in the Word of God yourself, develop a sweet attitude yourself, and it will overflow to your children. Though cliché, the statement, “More is caught, than taught” is true!
Don’t let Satan discourage you when you see bad habits all around you! Remember the verse, “…being confident of this, that He [God] who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 1: 6
Resources to Help ‘lay down the rails’ as Good Habits:
“As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” ~ Isaiah 55: 10-11
I will never tell you that changing bad habits will be easy or come overnight because you love your children. I will say it will be a hard-fought daily battle, but with the Lord, we can do anything! It has grown me and stretched me so, but in it there is great JOY. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” ~3 John 1: 4
Once our children have come to see their sin and repent, accepting Jesus as their Savior, the Holy Spirit will speak to them of their sin and work in their hearts (John 16: 13-14).
You will not be alone in their training. What a relief to know God through His Holy Spirit is at work to form good habits in them then! Give them the weapon of the Word (the Sword of the Spirit) with which to fight and be victorious (Ephesians 6: 1 and 17) and start when they are just tender sprouts!
In His book, When I Don’t Desire God, John Piper writes:
“If you would have power over the devil, and if you would escape the snare of his deceit and the destruction of your faith, then do what Jesus did and what all the triumphant saints have done: Treasure up the Word of God, and wield it like a sword against your foe.”
And though this world, with devils filled,
Should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed
His truth to triumph through us.
The Prince of Darkness grim,
We tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure,
For Lo! his doom is sure;
One little word shall fell him.~Martin Luther: “A Mighty Fortress is Our God”
©2023 Deep Roots at Home • All Rights Reserved
Anna @ Feminine Adventures
Beautiful and timely encouragement. Sometimes it’s so easy to let little things slide and forget that “little foxes spoil the vines.”
I’ve been seeking to be more purposeful with teaching my children Scriptures: reading the Bible to them, memorizing, doing catechism and singing. It has been so rewarding already to see my 5-year-old quoting the Apostle’s Creed to herself while she gets out school work and intertwining Bible stories with everyday life. You are so right. Forming good habits takes time… but it is worth every moment of effort!
Thank you for encouraging us younger moms. It’s such a blessing to have older moms to look up to and learn from!
Jacqueline
Dear Anna,
I don’t know why I am *teary* right now, other than to say that I am so ‘there’ with you young moms! I remember the struggles for my own self-control and how I just really ‘got it’ one day that they were acting just like me. Boy, was that ever a wake up call! It made me really get the truth of the scripture, “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and understanding.” I feared and revered God and His commands right then and there enough to change my own habits (my mouth, impatience, etc,)! When we are weak, He is strong!
I am praying for you, Anna, and everyone woman that desires to be a godly wife and mother. And we must pray for those who don’t desire it that the Lord might soften their hearts and minds to become ‘new creations’ in Him!
Blessings and hugs to you, dear,
Jacqueline
Alison Bayne
Thank you very much for the free e-book, and I look forward to learning more from you. I joined in with your blog hop and am about to leave some friendly comments for fellow bloggers who have linked up.
Best wishes from the UK!
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Janet
What great encouragement!! Thank you for sharing your heart in this area. I struggle with one of my children on a regular basis. I recognize that it is a heart issue. We recently brought our children home. As you know, we homeschooled then sent them to Christian school, now they are back home. It has allowed me to work with them all, but I feel like I lost some ground in the two years they were not with me during the day. She has a sweet spirit, but struggles with the application of the Christian walk. She is very deep in her thinking…not shallow…at.all. So, she has a lot of questions. Point #3 spoke directly to my heart! I am so glad “I stumbled” onto your blog.
Jacqueline
Hi, Janet,
Thank you for sharing your story~I’m so glad they are back home 🙂 I will pray for you to have wisdom to know what to do, little by little. The Lord will guide you as you ask Him for wisdom each day. Stand firm, dear mama!
May you be filled with joy and thanksgiving for where He has placed you. There will be other seasons in our lives, but certainly none so important as this season. “The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the nation.”
Blessings 🙂
barbara
What a beautiful blog! I raised three daughters,unfortunately I was a working mom back then.Many times I’ve told them I wish I could could back and do it all over!Now-a days, Im retired and help out with the grandkids as much and often as I can.They are all such a blessing and we are grateful.Your music touches my heart deeply~And I think that you are much like Esther,in that” you were put here for such a time as this” to help younger moms!!! Love&Blessings to ***you***
Jacqueline
Barbara,
Your kind words encourage me very much. Thank you for that.
I do hope for grandchildren some day 🙂 It sounds like you have a delightful family and that your daughters are very blessed by your presence. May the Lord pour all His grace on you so you can pour it into them!
Lori
Jacqueline,
Your post is timely and wise. So much of what you mentioned I witnessed (good and, unfortunately, some bad) in my home. I can’t imagine the challenges we would have had if I hadn’t been able to devote myself full time to their education, both academic AND spiritual. My daughters’ swim coach would say, “Practice doesn’t make perfect; practice makes PERMANENT. So you’d better be practicing what’s RIGHT!” Wise words as we train our young ones.
Abby
Wonderful wonderful post filled with wisdom. I’m going to share this with my daughter and daughter in law. Beautiful graphics Jacqueline. Thank you so much for investing your time into this. I know many moms will benefit. ~ Abby
Gretchen
Well Said! I have read through Laying Down the Rails once and it may be time again!
Gretchen 🙂
JES
What valuable words!
Jacqueline
Hi, JES! Thanks for the little visit…I will be over today to set a-spell 😉
Love ya! J
Lisa
Dear Jacqueline,
I have this e-book and it is wonderful! What an encouragement!
I confess that I need to work on the “sweet spirit” and “knowing your children’s heart” parts. Sometimes I get so stressed about trying to “get everything done” every day (school and homemaking), that I miss many opportunities to just sit and talk with my children.
Thanks for the encouragement, my friend.
Much love to you!
Lisa
Jacqueline
We can work on it together then 🙂 Our children are 20,20, and 22, and we still WORK hard to make the time to sit and talk, laugh and play board games and engage them in light and serious times…it is a work in progress at best here, but the Lord is redeeming the years the locust have eaten…praise GOD!
May the Lord bless you, my sister!
ChristyH
I feel like I am always at war within myself for consistency. Currently I am not winning my war, but I feel a revival coming on. I am going with the youth on a winter retreat this weekend and hope I will have a chance to regroup.
Your blog always encourages me to do better and with the Lord’s help succeed.
Kathryn Ross
Blessings to you, Jacqueline – and how glad I am to have found you through Abby at Little Birdie Blessings. Your testimony is powerful and so relevant to everything we are experiencing in society today. Thank you for stepping out as a voice for the sovereignty of God and His Grace so abundant to those who seek it. I have added you to my blog list on both my sites – The Writer’s Reverie and the one I keep for the homeschool outreach at Constellation Academy Home School Resources Network. Much of my mentoring centers on training children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord with purpose and discipline. I use a lot of Charlotte Mason and Principle Approach. I know your posts will bless many of our young families. Looking forward to more.
Joy!
Kathryn Ross
jedidja
With my 45 years I am an older mom 🙂 It’s so great you wrote this blog. Also for me … though I have no little ones. The youngest is 8. What I see, is that I am with teh first (oldest) kids was very active. (teach Bible verses, tells stories about church history, talk to them about God) Now with the youngest is different. Sometimes life has me so in its grip, I will be a little careless. A little parenting tired. ( you understand my poor english?)
Your blog gives me a boost. Thank you!
Jacqueline
Jedidja,
Thank you for sharing with me your life…I get to know you little by little here 🙂 Yes, life does get us ‘in its grip’, and we do get tired. I praise God that He has made this a blessing to your heart! Your English is VERY good! Stand firm, dear Mama, and be encouraged 🙂
This Word came to me to share: “Now to Him (God) who is able to do immeasurably more than *all* we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3: 20
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words 🙂
tammy
A great post. Such encouragement that just sinks deep, thank you. A former and much loved Pastor used to say sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know. So true in the case, i love Miss Mason ,but have not read or thought of her in a while. I shared with you when we met at a conference in Oct. that your blog was a huge blessing. It remains true. Thank you for the prayer and love you put into it all. God is glorified!!
Jacqueline
Tammy,
Hi! I hope you all are well 🙂 Thank you for your very kind words and thank You, Lord Jesus!
Paula
I loved this post, Jacqueline! Thanks so much for this very valuable reminder!
Christie
Such a wonderful article, thank you so much for standing for truth with love and grace. I just happened to read a comment that you left over on my blog. So blessed to have you stop by and read my musings! What an amazing thing this blogosphere is 🙂
Jill's Home Remedies
A needed reminder for me! Thank you for sharing this resource!
Kerrie
What a beautiful article and so true…my children are now 17 & 18 and I cannot think of a time or age that I did not enjoy thoroughly as they were taught from a very young age to be thankful, polite, loving, fair and fun.
They are my delight and joy and it grieves me to see friends and family treat their young blessings so carelessly and the trouble they get back from them is exhausting to witness.
I was once told, “Oh, they might be good now but just wait until they are teenagers.” I’m so glad that same person saw them grow to be delightful and responsible young adults and has even commented on it.
Some call it ‘luck’ but it hard work being so vigilant but so worth the effort.
Treat children as adults in the making.
Jacqueline
Dear Kerrie,
I would love you to write something on this topic. It is much needed today. If you see this and write a short piece (300-350 words max.) from your heart about the tone you set in the home, we can edit it and use it at the top of a link-up as a short testimony. No guarantees, but this is important stuff!!
There are big nuggets of gold in your words! This is the part I would want to focus on: “I was once told, “Oh, they might be good now but just wait until they are teenagers.” I’m so glad that same person saw them grow to be delightful and responsible young adults and has even commented on it.
Some call it ‘luck’ but it hard work being so vigilant but so worth the effort.” We often are prophets by the way we expect them to turn out!
Blessings,
J
Kerrie
I would be honoured to do so as it is a subject so dear to my heart 🙂
Niki at For Journey's Sake
I was curious to know if Kerrie ever wrote for you on this? Would love to read it!
Jacqueline
Dear Niki,
I apologize…I am not sure who Kerrie is. Now you have me curious! Haha 🙂
Erica
Wow! I am so thankful to God for leading me here this morning. It is our first year of homeschool in kindergarten and I have an 11 month old who has not been sleeping through the night and another due in may. I am often tired and lately have been discouraged because I have slacked on many duties. my attitude has not been the best and as a result even my relationship with Jesus has suffered. but I have been crying out to Him asking Him to help me and give me grace for this time. I am still new to this and many times I am way too hard on myself. Just last night I was in tears asking the Lord to change my heart again and bring me back to Him and as He always is He has been faithful to answer and has led me here today. Thank you for this post it has been a blessing to me and I will probably read it many times after today. May our Lord Jesus bless you and keep you
Jacqueline
Aww…Erica, may the Lord in His mercy give you all that you need to accomplish just what it is He’s given you – day to day, year to year! I did just what you did for years (and still continue to cry out to our Lord) to find guidance, and HE DID GIVE IT!!! He is faithful.
I am praying for you now, dear one!
Karen
Excellent, Jackie! Thanks so much for sharing!
Lara Warwick
I’m a struggling mum who works out of sheer need, my husband’s income does not cover our bills. I’m recovering from PTSD because of the 6 years of bullying at work. I feel like I have woken up from a thick fog and bam, here’s this child I love that has just grown up so much and now I have to face up to years of living in survival mode which also effected my daughter. We all have issues, ranging from ADHD, Aspergers and Trauma. It often feels like every day is a battle. I try so hard to teach my children about the Lord and develop good habits, but we just seem to always be back in same old rut going around in circles. I have to remind myself every day that his Grace is sufficient. I would really covet your prayers.
Jacqueline
Lara, I am going to email you yet today!
Blessings, Jacque
Themistoklis Papaioannou
Private: Greetings!
I could not disagree with you on the subject of children and chores more. That a child is capable of doing something doesn’t make it age appropriate nor the child’s responsibility. Teaching children skills and making them do regular chores is not the same thing. Although we should teach our children skills we should not burden them with regular chores. Play is the work of childhood.
I have examined the research. There is not any study to the effect that chores really help kids [not even the Harvard Study, which I have examined]. In fact, the only study I found that came close to testing this idea was a 2003 study by the University of Amsterdam. In this study, researchers found,“A direct (negative) path was found between the number of chores assigned and school success (GPA)” … that negative correlation was likely because “too many chores and responsibilities interfere with schoolwork.” Again, there is no evidence that doing chores contribute to a child’s success. The Minnesota research was not peer-reviewed and thus unreliable.
Kids should NOT be made to do chores. The housework is NOT the child’s responsibility. The parents are the carers and providers. The children are NOT the help. Kids should PLAY not WORK. Schoolwork including home school academic work is plenty enough. Chores are not difficult to learn anyone can in MINUTES. It’s not the child’s role to contribute to the family. As for self-confidence, deep relationship, pride, etc. can be gained via many other ways. These include play, art, sports, family time, etc.
Absolutely EVERYTHING can and is taught without chores thus making them redundant. The only reason any parent would insist on making kids do chores is so the parents have less work which is a bad reason and amounts to taking advantage of kids. By chores, I mean tasks such as doing the laundry, mopping / sweeping floors, washing the family dishes, loading / unloading dishwashers, cleaning toilets / bathrooms, etc. obviously a parent can teach a child how to do anything WITHOUT making it the child’s job / responsibility.
I am thankful that my parents did not require regular chores from my sister and me growing up in the 1980s. I am grateful we had true parents who respected our childhood. And I NEVER had problems with performing any chore. Both my sister, me and EVERYONE I grew up with are living proof that regular chores for kids are worthless… well maybe just take a load off lazy parents. Do you know how long it took me to learn for example laundry? 10 minutes! I had the cleanest room at Seminary or everyone said so. So the nonsense doesn’t stick with me.
Sincerely,
Themistoklis J. Papaioannou
PS: Even the phrase “we are not raising children, we are raising adults” is wrong. No, you are raising CHILDREN who will GROW INTO adults. RESPECT CHILDHOOD.
Jacqueline
Dear Themistoklis, I am afraid you did not read the post for nuance… (and it almost sounds as if you believe childhood is a time for doing whatever one pleases ALL of the time). This post is about habits and not chores. There is a vast difference. But I would disagree with you – the outcome of the untrained child is the problem we see today in the generally irresponsible and willful younger generation (not all are this way). This is a result of forming the HABIT of doing whatever one pleases all of the time in childhood.
The Word of God offers the solution: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Children come into the world untrained, uncultured, geared toward complete selfishness. It is the parents’ duty to train up a child in the way he should go. Otherwise he will go his own way. And “a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15).
Please read it again and see if you get the gist of what I am trying to communicate.
My points are:
1. not sending them off to sit under the guidance of someone you DO NOT KNOW
2. parents cannot afford to laugh at stubbornness, tantrums, or disobedience or it will lead to sure trouble. We are witnessing this in our culture to a greater degree than ever before
3. the key to progress in any habit is repetition. Teach the habit by example as you allow your child to work along side you. No nagging. Look for success. Praise goes a long way to reinforce right actions.
4. Know your child’s heart by spending time with him or her. Allow them to open their little hearts to you and LISTEN with attention and eye contact. This avoid future pain!
This is SO much more about gaining the heart of a child by kindness and proactive parenting. Quite different than what you took a very long time to say all about chores..
Still, thank you for sharing your thoughts here!
Sincerely,
Jacque