I’ve never loved the “Mama Bear” analogy. When I think of Mama Bears, I picture moms who bite teachers’ heads off and elbow their way through crowds so their kids can get the best seat at story time.
I’d much rather be a Mama Swan, peacefully gliding through life with all my little cygnets in a row.
But I’m not. I’m the swan-faced mom with the heart of a grizzly.
The truth is, you don’t have to be loud and obnoxious to be a Mama Bear. You just have to care too much about the well-being of your family. You have to idolize it, to bow down and worship it, so that if anybody in your household isn’t okay, nothing’s okay.
You see, the thing about Mama Bears is that deep down, we long to control our universe so that we can protect the people we love. If we’re Christians, on some level we know this is impossible.
But that doesn’t stop us from trying.
A Shaky Foundation
How can we stop trying? Then things might really fall apart. So we spin our wheels endlessly, longing for that moment when we can take a deep breath and say, “Life is good. Nobody’s in the hospital. Nobody’s having nightmares. Nobody’s miserable at work.”
Of course, this kind of peace is as fragile as an eggshell. It’s like building your home on a foundation of toothpicks.
And boy, is it exhausting. I knew there would be a lot of work in becoming a wife and mom; I just didn’t realize how much of it would be done with my heart instead of my hands. The more people we add to our family, the more my heart has to carry. Worry, concern, love, joy, pain, affection, fear. I don’t even want a dog, because I don’t have the emotional capacity to care for one more living thing!
There are days when my husband walks through the door with a heavy expression on his face, and I want to hold up a hand and say, “I’m sorry! The anxiety meter has reached maximum capacity. Put one more burden on my plate, and I will drop dead right here in the kitchen! Then you’ll have to finish cooking.” Instead, I usually opt for the quick-fix: “What’s wrong? Just tell me. Tell me now.” Maybe I can slap some gospel truth on this one real fast and check it off the list before the spaghetti sauce burns.
Short-Circuiting God
But it doesn’t work that way for one simple reason. I’m not Jesus. All my outward attempts to “fix” our universe are just that—outward attempts. They’re the toothpicks straining under the weight of the house that will always crush them flat. I still remember the day Clint looked at me and said, “Can you just let me be not okay? Can you just love me when I’m not happy?”
I’ve known that Mama Bears (like me) are protective and controlling. But this was the first time I realized we’re also selfish.
But if you’re not okay, then I’m not okay, I thought.
And just like that, I finally got it. Wanting him to be okay was never really about him. It was always about me. I didn’t want to abide with him in a season of long-suffering. I wanted it over. Fixed. So that I could go back to being happy. I’ve known that Mama Bears (like me) are protective and controlling. But this was the first time I realized we’re also selfish. So selfish, in fact, that we’re willing to short-circuit what God wants to do in someone’s life just so we don’t have to endure the discomfort of watching it.
When little Susie has no friends at school, Mama Bears (like me) don’t want to walk the long, painful road of teaching her to trust Jesus. We just want to make the heartache go away. We want to throw a block party and invite every five-year-old in Georgia. But what if God destined this to be the first time little Susie turned to Jesus with a real problem? What if this heartache set the stage for her first experience of believing God and seeing Him act on her behalf? Isn’t that worth a little suffering? For Susie . . . and Mama Bear?
Mama Bear Abiding
But the only way we will become the kind of woman with the ability to abide instead of fix is if we abide in Christ. David once sang,
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.” (Ps. 46:1–2).
Don’t you long to have such assurance on the day your private mountains fall into the heart of the sea? On the day your husband loses his job? Or the pediatrician says you need to see a specialist? Or your grown child phones to tell you she’s getting a divorce?
I guarantee you, Mama Bear longs for it. Because she understands life on the other side. She lives in the house built on sand, and even on the good days, she fears it’s sinking. I wish I could say it’s easy to pick up that house and plop it down on the Solid Rock of Christ.
I wish it was a one-time thing.
But it’s not.
It is a moment-by-moment choice to yield and to trust. Then, and only then, can we minister to our families with the sort of love that says, “Come as you are, messy and in pain. I will abide with you. As long as it takes.”
[With express permission to reprint by Jeanne Harrison. Original post found here]. I guarantee, if you enjoyed this, you will enjoy True Woman blog – it will speak to your heart.
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Charlotte Moore
Oh how I can relate to this. We can’t stand to see our children suffer. This is so very true though for most of us mothers.
Jacqueline
I have had to wrestle my way through this too, Charlotte. Looking back as a Christian believer, I think the evil one has been working overtime to pervert sound mothering (nurturing) principles for his advantage and cause us to go overboard. There is a fine balance of pointing them in the right way and letting them learn life skills from it vs. coddling and picking up the pieces so much that they are incapable of fighting the good fight for themselves by the time they are 16 and older. I have had to remember that many of our strongest leaders had to be independent at very young ages. And it has so much to do with the individual child, too!
Hugs, sweet lady!
Anne Marie Ezzo
So well written and great analogy … wonderful to have a seasoned wife and mom share truth in a very practical way. Blessings
Jacqueline
Love that: “seasoned” !! Thanks, Anne Marie! Much better than what some say: “Well-preserved”! Ha! J
Johanna
This is so good! I so needed to hear this! Not only I’m learning to yield in the sphere of motherhood but also as a wife.
Erica Kennedy
You are so right. Fixing is a part of our mama-nature. We fix boo-boo’s with kisses, we satisfy hunger and thirst, we tend the ill unto health and we pray that our kids will trust God with their lives. We cannot allow them to fail or we will have failed. At the same time, our success depends on our “routines.” The spaghetti sauce illustration convicts me. So often I have felt the need to finish what I have begun before I “let” a crisis intrude. To let go of the spaghetti sauce and embrace the crisis is unsettling, because it upsets my routine. And this mama loves her routine. But truly loving our family means loving them enough to let go of our “wants/needs” (routine) and giving our full attention to the crisis. It may even require getting down on our knees and asking God to forgive our self-centeredness.
Jacqueline
Yes Erica, I especially identify with what you said about the routine! Oh, how I’ve failed so often! Yea, I’m a fixer, too 😀
Lynn
And why do we continue to do this with our adult children? Like the author said, the more pepole that enter our family, the more people we want to protect and ‘help’. It’s exhausting. I’m having a difficult time learning this lesson, especially now that I have a grandson with special needs. Oh, for grace to trust Him more.
Jacqueline
Lynn! Yes, yes! I is the hardest thing to trust our Father, but He somehow leads us to when we keep asking and seeking Him! “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” ~Matthew 7:7
Hugs and blessings, ~J
Ginger
A close friend sent this article to me. She needed a few friends to help her remember to keep this perspective on her mother journey. It is interesting since just a couple of days ago, my single sister with no children sent out a text to us asking what “mama bear” meant to us. I quickly responded over protective, over bearing mother…don’t get me the cute t-shirt you must be looking at! Get it for our oldest sister who clearly is a mama bear. This article was convicting because it is me and I needed to hear this. Thank you so much for this article and reminder on allowing God to work in our kids lives.
Jacqueline
Aw Ginger, I sure needed it, too! I am thankful for how God works to bring things to us when our hearts are ready! Glad you shared this with me!
Blessings and peace! ~J
Carolyn
Guess I don’t view the term mama bear in the same way. I never related it to interfering with teachers, friends or anyone else. I have always seen it as a mother that would protect her child that was in danger to the point of sacrificing their on life. A good mother who would fight anything or anyone for their children, I would think would be one that was training their child to be self reliant, well rounded and capable. Not an enabler. Different views of the term I guess.
Jacqueline
Carolyn, I can see there might be different views on this, and the author’s point is from the other viewpoint, obviously. Added note: see Mary Linda Smith’s comment as it hits the essence of what Jeanne Harrison meant there.
Mary Linda Smith
I have seen and experienced what an out of control or too controlling mama bear can do, wrecking havoc on others to “save” her child! It ruined a youth pastor’s career with this embittering experience for no reason and made another person’s life a living hell for two years as this “leader” in the church mowed down others thinking she was helping her child. She was not. She short circuited what God/Holy Spirit needed to do in her daughter’s life.
Jacqueline
Whoa, Mary Linda, that is so sad! THAT is exactly the kind of thing Jeanne Harrison is speaking of on steroids. I wish she would have had some accountability in the leadership to keep her biblical!
Christina
Respectfully, I disagree with your interpretation of “Mama Bear.” I can agree that the behavior described can be destructive to the household, but you are not necessarily describing anything like the “Mama Bears” I know, including myself. The ONLY conflict I have with being a “Mama Bear” is the desire to take revenge against those who harm my children, because God says that revenge is His and that He will repay. Let me be clear, getting in God’s way and trying to control every single detail can be harmful and self-serving, but being willing to give my life to protect my children from those who seek to harm them is quite the opposite. Please consider retooling this article for all the Mama Bears that look nothing like what you described.
Jacqueline
Dear Christina, I did not write this post and cannot “re-tool” it. I feel, as with many things in life that there are many facets of topics and trust you can understand that.
Blessings, ~J
Kathy Haecker
Thank you lady. As I now have 23 in my immediate family, the weight sometimes feels more than I can bear. God is being faithful as I yoke with Him to carry this load in prayer and love.
Jacqueline
Kathy, praise God for them and your faithfulness! The Lord hears your prayers and knows that you are in earnest! He will reward you as you keep seeking Him!
““Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,[a]
your foundations with lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your children will be taught by the Lord,
and great will be their peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.” ~Is. 54: 11-15
Suzanne Fenstermaker
I really loved reading his article…..and feel it so meaningful. I loved and enjoyed my children so much, ;but I always felt that the best thing I Could give them was their independence. I hated seeing Tham hurt but I also knew that I couldn’t FIX IT for them. I could listen…I could let them know I cared ….I could apply the bandages in places they couldn’t reach…..but I couldn’t fix it. I could reward but I didn’t approve of bribing. I was as imperfect as the next person, but I tried to allow Them to live and make mistakes and figure out how to make things right. A skinned knee feels better with a colorful bandage on it. A cast with a lot of signatures seems less uncomfortable. That may all sound foolish, but so many hurts are not as serious as we make them when we’re overprotected from the consequences. A warm hug, and a tender wiping away of the tears is often the best cure . My Dad taught me to refrain from feeling that anyone was out to get me……They’re too busy taking care of themselves.
Stephanie T
Suzanne–What a valuable lesson from your Dad. Thank you for sharing this simple but profound statement.
Jennifer
Thank you for sharing this. It hits home.
Jacqueline
Jennifer, it did the same to me! I still am pondering some of it! We can do all things with Christ who strengthens us! 😀
God bless you!! ~J
Dyan
This resonated with me. There is something so excruciating about just sitting with a child who’s hurting and not being able to fix it. I recognize the instinct I have to brush past the hurt and try to fix. I never thought about the fact that I’m often motivated by my own desire to avoid suffering. I have a few kiddos who struggle deeply with anxiety and depression and a hubby that does as well. Her husband’s words to her, “Can you just let me be not okay? Can you just love me when I’m not happy?” are so convicting. It’s so hard to just let people feel the way they do and stay with them in the moment. I have 10 kids and sometimes it’s overwhelming dealing with everyone’s emotions. I tend to not put too much emphasis on my own emotions and push through them a lot in order to keep moving forward. I’ve never wanted to be the mom who controls her whole family with her moods and I strive not to be like that. But the flip side is that I have that expectation of everyone else too, and will only tolerate so much drama before I launch into fix it mode. I think balance is the answer.
Jacqueline
Oh, Dyan, that is so many of us! I hope this was helpful!
God bless you in your quest to find that balance~
Sending peace,
Jacque