(Source)
(While sleepovers are not a black and white issue, this thought-provoking post by Angie Tolpin of Courageous Mom may help you make a decision based upon the convictions the Lord impresses into your heart. And for those wondering, our family did not do sleepovers either for the same reasons.)
When I was a kid I never really thought about the pressure I put my parents under when I was asking and nagging them if I could go over to a friend’s house after church. They are kids after all, and unless we train them to be aware of their self-focused tendencies, reminding them that as their parents, we are not their enemies, but their biggest most loyal advocates whom they can trust regarding decisions that concern their safety.
Let me take you back in time for a moment. When I was pregnant with our first baby, I was completely unprepared for the parental peer pressure or cultural pressures parents gets bombarded with over a lifetime of parenting.
Parental peer pressure basically begins the minute you either plan on having a baby or you find out you are having one and unfortunately doesn’t get any easier over the course of the next 20 or some odd years.
Peer pressure: is influence that a peer group, observers or individual exerts that encourages others to change their attitudes, values, or behaviors to conform to group norms.
Sleepovers have been one of the most uncomfortable parental pressures I have ever dealt with.
I’m good with saying no to certain movies, no problem, but sleepovers is a hard one. Not because I lack conviction. It’s more that I remember how it felt to feel left out in a crowd, and I didn’t want my kids to experience that same feeling when all their friends were getting together and having a sleepover–except them.
To be honest, I kept putting the issue on the back burner simply because I know that anything that lands in that FREEDOM {gray area} category biblically can potentially cause conflict, even among believers and that just isn’t my desire.
That being said, just the other day, a post by Tim Challies came through my newsfeed. He posted on Why His Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers in response to Dr. James Dobson’s writings in child training books on this topic. I highly recommend reading Tim’s response and the excerpts he highlights. Very insightful and challenging. Plus, I find it interesting that Dobson doesn’t advocate sleepovers either, in fact, he strongly and boldly discourages them.
1. We are realists with a biblical worldview
In all of our parenting decisions, Isaac and I have tried to do our due diligence in two areas: being realists and looking at every situation and circumstance through a biblical worldview. That being said, because we are not naive to the realities of what can occur and does occur {sometimes} at sleepovers, we don’t feel they are edifying to friendships.
I am not just talking about the obvious threat of sexual vulnerability, although especially with technology and sexual confusion among young people today, the threats are even more profuse. Just because someone is being raised in a “Christian” family, does not mean we can just assume that everyone who comes to their home or who is living in their home is of the same spirit and mind.
Isaac and I grew up in very different households and had very different childhood experiences, but with regard to sleepovers, many of our experiences could be categorized as very similar.
We experienced everything from:
- teepeeing houses (vandalism),
- games like Truth or Dare, Ding Dong Ditch, spin the bottle
- smoking, drinking, partying which included drugs,
- watching horrid movies, which stole a purity of mind from me in my youth,
- storytelling, such as sexual experience,
- gossip, which can destroy reputations and self-esteems of these young vulnerable kids, but can also be considered a form of bullying},
- and even an ouija game board, which could potentially invite demonic presence and spiritual warfare.
As you can see, we had very eye opening experiences ourselves. Because we know the temptations for sin that can occur when you put a bunch of young kids together unsupervised or even minimally supervised, we just don’t feel it would be wise in most circumstances.
Most of our dear friends that we are closest to are not the type we would need to worry about offering beer to a minor or exposing them to porn. However, what if the family allowed the older brother to have a guy friend stay the night?
To be fair and honest, I have no personal fear that any of the severe above things would happen to our children, BUT I do know that sin comes in the dark. And when you have a bunch of children at night, unsupervised by an adult, the temptation for gossip, sharing about crushes, which could later then crush them out of embarrassment, or simply having no self-control over their tongues because they are tired can totally happen! And that simply put, is just not edifying to the friendship and defeats the entire purpose of getting together in the first place. This all leads me to the next point.
2. We don’t want to be exclusive
Remember that Parental Peer Pressure I talked about at the beginning? How hard is it when you let your child stay over with one friend, but not the other because you just don’t know them as well? Or, what if you say yes, and then the hosting family invites some more kids over to and you have never met them, don’t know their parents, etc…
In order to avoid saying no to some and favor others, we just say no to all. And we do it confidently. Well to our children we do. It is a bit harder when the other parent approaches you because then you feel parental peer pressure and have to have the talk, We Don’t Do Sleepovers.
Tim Challies puts it like this (and I really couldn’t say it any better):
“The reason we drew the rule so firmly was that it removes exceptions and explanations. We know ourselves well and realized that if we drew up a list of exceptions we would inevitably broaden that list over time. Not only that, but we did not want to have to explain to a family why we allowed our children to stay with others but not with them. So sleepovers were just taken right off the table without exceptions or individual explanations.”
3. As parents, we’ll be held accountable by God for what happens to our children on our watch
We want to teach our children to make wise decisions.
Our thought process is that evaluating a situation, recognizing it may not be edifying, and choosing not to go or participate is using wisdom.
Now, you are probably thinking, “But God’s grace would cover you in a situation you had no control over. You can’t be everywhere at all times with your children watching over them like a hawk, and that wouldn’t be healthy either.” And you are right to say that. I don’t believe that if my child was somehow harmed because of someone else’s sin, I would be held accountable. That isn’t actually what I am saying here. What I am saying is that, there is a difference in knowing and unknowing the likelihood of a threat and choosing to just overlook the potential threats in the name of fun or being a cool mom vs a true accident happening that I couldn’t have prevented.
It’s not a matter of having control, it’s about not overlooking statistical threats and the realities of sin in our world.
4. We assess the fruit, or consequences, and don’t like it.
We believe that sowing and reaping is a biblical and spiritual law that no one can escape. That being said, every choice we make has fruit and/or consequences. You know where I am going with this one, don’t you? We have tried out sleepovers, and nothing bad happened per se, but we didn’t like the consequence and price our family makes when we get to have an over tired kiddo home the rest of the weekend. It takes a few days just to get their schedule back in sync, and in the meanwhile we get to deal with over emotional Grumpville.
WHAT FRUIT COMES FROM SLEEPOVERS? GRUMPINESS? IDLE CHAT? GOSSIP? EMBARRASSMENT OR REGRET? OR STRENGTHENED FRIENDSHIPS, EDIFYING & GOD GLORIFYING CONVERSATIONS?
If the point of having a “sleep-over” is to spend more time together as friends, to grow the friendship, but then the time is filled with idle chat, it defeats the main purpose of growing a deeper friendship. Some children are more mature, and can lead conversations with their peers to things such as what they are reading, what God is teaching them, and what they dream about doing for the kingdom. That’s what makes decisions like this so difficult for parents. Because not all children are the same. Other kids are not even in this space spiritually, which is ok, everyone is on their own spiritual journey, right!? But most situations really do require an older role model, parent, or sibling really modeling for young girls what it means to have an edifying, God-glorifying time together. One that is free from gossip, idle chat, or embarrassing conversations.
Amen?
WHAT ABOUT PREPARING YOUR KIDS FOR COLLEGE AND REAL-LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR HOME?
I totally get it. We have older kids and this is a conversation that we have had SO many times. This is not a cookie-cutter issue. How many times as parents do we have to evaluate our situations, and each child’s personal maturity level when making decisions like this? ALL the TIME right?
Just like movies, and other disputable issues, this decision to participate in sleepovers or not, requires truly knowing your child in order to make a wise decision.
Age is not an indicator of moral or spiritual maturity.
As parents, we must be honest with ourselves about what each of our children are prepared for and what they seem to be able to handle. For example, if you have a child that tends to be more of a follower than a leader, sleep-overs might not be a good idea.
Our oldest is just a few short years away from University, most likely. We have made exceptions for certain activities, like Leadership Camps and so forth, but even those we are very particular and we made sure, to the best of our ability, that the environment was safe. Our older teens have been prepared for what to be aware of and how to protect themselves if necessary. To put it bluntly, they know how to defend themselves better than most.
OUR PARENTING JOURNEY WITH SLEEPOVERS:
You should know that we have made a few exceptions along our 16-year road of parenting.
You should know that in those few times that we let our children go, they came home and reported that they even felt they probably shouldn’t have gone {with the exception of one or two instances}. For the most part, it didn’t create stronger friendships. I am glad we did, because our older children now understand why we have chosen not to do sleepovers and they agree… for the most part. They don’t ask to stay over because they know our thoughts, which evades the parental peer pressure, except when a parent or another child asks you.
Do we do sleepovers at our home?
Obviously, in the case of an emergency, we most likely would. But other than unique scenarios, we wouldn’t. Can you imagine how awkward it would be if we did host a sleepover and then the parent of the child wanted to reciprocate and I had to tell them, no thank you, we don’t do sleepovers. Talk about confusing. They would totally take offense to that. So, no. Out of avoiding the conflict, I would say no to that question.
As the kids get older this issue has arisen a couple of times. For example, overnight camps. That is a whole post by itself. But the conclusion, which was made by my daughter, was that it wasn’t edifying and that she doesn’t want to go again.
While there is no strong scripture that points to sleepovers and parental decisions similar to this one, I was encouraged and convicted by the particular scripture passage in 1 John 2 (the whole chapter) with regard to this issue.
“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous…
Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes…
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”
Like I said, this scripture verse is in NO way attached to sleepovers, but it does, speak directly to all of us.
It warns us of the danger of having blinders on to the reality of what is in the world and compares it to being in the dark.What we have found is that when you are parenting against the grain of the culture, often times people think you are crazy or simply disagree.
Be encouraged that the Lord assures us we should not worry about loving the world, including what others in the world think of our parenting methods. It’s hard to stay strong to personal convictions, I know. But this is just one encouragement in whatever parenting decision you are making… whether sleepovers or something else… follow the light.
To end, I want to reiterate that this is not a black and white issue. The Lord gives us free will in our decision making as parents. There is no clear bible verses that say not to let your kids go stay overnight at a friend’s home. This is just our opinion and what we have decided to do based on our experiences and what we believe the realistic issues are of today. Isaac and I have put a lot of thought into why we don’t allow our children to do sleepovers and made it a universal rule in our family. Our deepest desire was never to challenge others in their parenting, but to simply be diligent as parents to protect the purity of our children’s minds, souls, bodies, and hearts and teach them to guard themselves as well.
The most important thing is that you and your spouse are in alignment on the issue and that you have made your decision based upon the convictions the Lord impresses into your heart. You are parenting as a team and need to make decisions like this together and be a united team in front of your kids on these issues.
Lastly, can I ask you to really pray about this issue?
And whatever you choose as parents, teach your children to have respect of other’s decisions and not beg. It is really hard to tell a child, “No, I’m sorry, We Don’t Do Sleepovers,” when they are looking at you with those puppy dog eyes.
LET’S PRAY TOGETHER
Lord, parenting is hard. We all wish you could just write out an easy equation and tell us what to say yes and what to say no to. We are all of one same heart, we all love our children. We just ask that you would guide each of us as we make decisions for our families. Guide us, speak your truth and encourage us along the road. We ask that you would protect the hearts, minds, souls, and bodies of our children. Might you put your full armor upon each of them right now as we pray. We live in a very unpredictable world and we know that our children are not our own, so help us as parents to find that healthy balance between trusting you with our children and doing the job you assigned to us in choosing us as parents. Amen.
Angie has been married to Isaac for 17 years and is the mom of seven children ranging from eight months to 16 years old. She is passionate about encouraging women in their faith, but also really enjoys a good ladies night out with kindred sisters that know how to get real and laugh hard! She is the author of “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Building Authentic Friendships” and “Redeeming Childbirth.”
You can find Angie on Facebook here and at CourageousMom.com!
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Wren
Thank you for this post. I do have a question, what about familyou members like cousins? Do you allow family members to stay over (and your kids to go to their house?) For me, my family lives far away, so this isn’t something I need to think about except when they rarely come to visit, which of course they stay with me 🙂 Just curious what your thoughts are about that.
Jacqueline
Hi, Wren! I will ask Angie to answer this. We personally didn’t have cousins live close enough and those that did had to get back home to take care of the animals, so it never was something we had to deal with. Hang on and we’ll see if Angie sees this. She may not. Any other readers have a thought?
Ash
I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers; however, sleepovers with relatives is okay. I do have an exception: If you’re aware that one of the relatives has a history of sexually abusing others, then you shouldn’t allow it. Most times, the victim knows who is sexually abusing them and I know a lot of families sweep this issue under the rug.
Betty
We have a no sleepover rule. We have one set of grandparents local. My daughters will stay with them occasionally when needed but mostly will just stay the day. Their grandmother sleeps with them in the guest room when they do.
We have family that live far away we are going to visit. My sister has asked if them and their cousins could have a sleep over at her house. It has been such a sore topic because we say no. My kids barely know her or their cousins. It’s not just about drinking or sexual issues, it’s also about how comfortable my kids would feel going to them in any situation and then how would they handle it? I want my kids and me to have peace of mind in all situations!
T.J.
It’s encouraging to read this post. We have the same rule, and i agree about the parent peer pressure!! This is one rule my kids have really disliked and it’s hard to stand my ground sometimes. I know some of my family have been offended, which is hard. The one time I caved against better judgement (and, I feel, the Spirit’s warning), my ~6 year old daughter had a bad experience (the friend’s friend taught her a “game” involving pulling down their pants and touching their private areas to each others- a game my husband said had to have originated with an adult at some point- not something a child would invent, so somewhere along the line a molestation may have been involved). And actually, this wasn’t even a sleepover, just a play day, but she was pretty young and we didn’t let them go to people’s homes without us when they were that young, and I had a warning bell going off in my head that I didn’t listen to because of the “peer pressure”. Thankfully, my daughter told us about it, so we were able to address it with the other parents as well, and it could have been worse, but I learned my lesson! And my/my husband’s experiences with sleepovers were similar to what Angie described! Not all they are cracked up to be, even if there are some fun things. It’s not worth it to me. I tell my kids, “it doesn’t make you or them a better friend.” But, it’s not fun to be left out. I wish nobody did them!! I tell others that we like to have our kids in their own beds at night. Thanks for printing this – helps me not feel like the only one!!
Jacqueline
Wow, that makes me so sad that it had to happen. I am praying for you, dear Mama, that you won’t live with guilt. The Lord is gentle and leads us through just such things as this when we seek Him a you are doing. Makes me think of Isaiah 40:11:
“He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
*****he gently leads those that have young*****.”
Things will happen (they do to all of us b/c of the sin in this world, but he gets us through it and we learn so much!
I also think of John 16:33: ““I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~Jesus
God bless you and thank you for sharing your story that it might help someone else! Hugs!
Charlotte Moore
A very good topic. I would never have thought of some of these things. Glad I am too old to have this worry in these troubled times.
BLESSINGS!!
Jacqueline
Ah, Charlotte! I know you are praying, though! We can fight the evil with prayer and love from the Lord (which you do so well).
Thank you, friend! Hugs!
Rana
I think you are throwing the baby out with the bath water. We knew the families where our daughter spent three night very well and the girls always had a great time playing/being together. Likewise, they had a great time in our home as well. We were helicopter moms and always knew what was going on. I believe spending the night in others homes teaches them independence and other valuable life experiences. We enjoyed having her friends over and providing a great experience for them. My husband is a pastor and many kids attended church with us.
Jacqueline
I think the thing you said that makes this doable is that you were BOTH helicopter moms. It takes vigilance and it sounds like you are doing that 🙂 God bless you, Mama! I think Angie’s point is that once you’ve said yes to one, it opens up the gate to more. Thanks for your comment!
Rana Burt
I mentioned this topic to my college age daughter and she was surprised that some people won’t let their kids spend the night with friends. I told her about their concerns and asked her if she ever faced any of the concerns mentioned when she spent the night away and she said she had not.
sahmpaw
You really believe her? The majority of sleepovers I attended involved watching horror movies, prank calling people, watching soft porn, pulling a prank on a sleeping child, having seances, playing ouija board, sneaking out to meet boys and lots more cruel and indecent things. This was the 1980s and we were all public school kids a lot of them were Catholic too.
E R
Why would her college aged daughter be lying?
That’s unfortunate that you would assume that. I had plenty of sleepovers as a kid, and the vast majority of them were totally wholesome and fine. It did make us closer friends, and the discomfort of realizing that different families do things in different ways (like having a drink of water beside the bed and rules like “you get dressed before you eat breakfast”, which are very weird to a kid) was healthy, in my opinion.
The “bad stuff”, which involved playing pranks and gossip and movies that were too scary, came from a specific group of girls that I then realized were not good friends to have in general.
I have friends who don’t allow their children to do sleepovers, and I am not offended. I do feel a bit sad for their kids, as they are controlling in other ways and the sleepover ban is only one way that shows up. I don’t think I’d let my kids go sleep over at their house anyway, due to the culture of judgement in their family and that’s too long to subject them to that, although I do let them go for short periods of time during the day. I don’t mind saying yes to one family and no to another.
Nicole B
I haven’t had to deal personally with the sleepover at friends’ home issue (at least not yet – my kids are under 13 and have never asked to sleep over at a friend’s home.) My kids do enjoy occasional sleepovers with their cousins at their grandparents’ home. They rarely get to see each other because they live in different states, but have made some of the best memories and strengthened family bonds at these times.
Thanks for linking up at this week’s #HomeMattersParty
Karen
Some general questions and I would be interested in hearing readers’ opinions: Is a sleepover different from having another family watch your children so you and hubby can get away together? And the reverse, you watching other peoples kiddos so they can get away together?
Homeschool Mom
Absolutely it is. Read some statistics about sexual abuse. Nighttime/sleepovers is a huge spike in these activities. Also, parents often (purposefully or accidentally) fall asleep before the youth, allowing them unsupervised opportunity and the cover of the night. I wish I could go back to a blissful, “That isn’t likely to happen to us, we know these people” attitude, but I cannot because our family has been devastated by trauma. Too many Christians keep their heads in the sand about sexual abuse, the facts and frequency of sexual abuse are far more frequent than you could dare imagine. I wish every parent had to attend the sexual abuse education 3 hour class we took when we were preparing to be a liscensed foster care home, it is eye opening. And, no, our family trauma did NOT happen in any correlation to foster care or strangers…
Cathy Lawdanski
My children are grown and out of the house. We did sleepovers. But I certainly see Angie’s point on many issues surrounding them. Thanks for sharing.
JES
This was excellent and so timely for our family. Though my husband and I haven’t said a complete NO to sleepovers, we haven’t been led to allow them YET either… I believe it began with an article against them by Dr. Dobson that we read on the plane to the Creation Museum many moons ago. Funny how those details stick in your head. Anyways… So, here we are 15 years later and still feeling that nudge to say NO. The author makes some excellent points (many of which led us to hesitate thus far…). A few weeks ago, we had to give another NO to an invitation. I guess my question is, I know many of you have probably went through the same but we seem to be the only “weird ones” in our community that are constantly blocking all the “fun”. How do you deal with resentment with your children? Our 15 year old seems to think she is the “only one” while everyone else gets to do things all the time? It can get heavy for a parent. I would appreciate any advice you, Angie or any readers can give…
P.S. Also, it is SO true. I have no problem with nixing movies, internet, etc., but when it comes to things like this (sleepovers), I just want to run and hide. It can get ugly when trying to explain to people as any reason you give sounds like judgment against them.
?
Oh, I can certainly relate. We said no. And I supervise (and supervised) my children’s activities. My children are now ages 29, 23, 21, 19, & 15. Only the 15 y.o. is still at home, and he was recently invited to go spend time with a new acquaintance–a “party” and sleepover. I have explained to him once again why my answer is still no. My children do get to enjoy time camping with us and friends. But I have found out over the past few years that my 23 year old ( “counseled” by her equally young husband) resents the fact that they were raised this way. She has informed me, at his urging, that she was abused, manipulated, restricted, etc and treated as an orphan because she didn’t get to do what she wanted while growing up. So the two of them have said she hates me, and that I am no longer her mother. My other children all feel as though she was the one child that I was most lenient with. So, even though one of my children resents the decisions that I made concerning their upbringing, I still believe it was best.
Dominic Adams
Thank you for this post! My parents would let me go to sleep overs but come pick me up when everyone else was going to bed because we had perfectly good beds at our house. In retrospect, they knew the dangers of overnights but I didn’t understand their wisdom until I taught 6th grade. After overhearing conversations after overnights from good children from good parents, I will never allow our children to stay overnight unless we are staying with them. Another friend won’t let children go but will invite whoever invited the child over to come to their house at another time for supervised fun but not overnight. Think that is a great solution.
Jacqueline
THANK YOU for these wonderful sleepover SOLUTIONS, Dominic! I hope others will see this as a healthy solution to a sticky problem! I love that you can still keep doors of friendship open with your friend’s solution!
Blessings, friend!
Oh, my goodness!!!! I just visited your website “Dominic’! Haha! I am so blessed and thankful to have found you ALL 😀
I am going to share your site on my Deep Roots at Home page https://www.facebook.com/deeprootsathome/ and maybe others will visit and be able to significantly bless their families!
Thank you, again! Jacqueline
Dominic Adams
Thank you for sharing! Really appreciate your site and may God reward you for inspiring so many!
Theresa
I don’t let my daughter go on sleep overs. She usually attends the party and leaves at a early time. We don’t throw sleep overs either. Thanks for sharing at the #InspirationSpotlight Party. Pinned & shared.
Lisa/Syncopated Mama
Our 3-yr-old has already started asking if she can spend the night at her cousins’ house. Not that we think she’s old enough for that anyway, but we just assumed that it wouldn’t be a problem when she got older…however, one day I remembered that this family has quite the gun collection, and while I am sure they take every precaution with their 3 girls, it only takes one mistake…they also have a pool, and an old dog who is constantly being left out…it all just made us stop and think really hard about this subject, even though we’re still a few years from HAVING to make a decision. Thanks for joining us at #FridayFrivolity and for giving me something more to consider with this question!
Amanda
Thank you for sharing. I wholeheartedly agree with you! My husband and I agreed early on that we would not allow sleepovers. My own experience as a child included everything on your list and more. Our daughters have asked on a few occasions to have a sleep over but they now understand that we are doing what we believe to best to raise, protect and develop them into health young women. Why would we risk that?
Tammy
Not sure how I ended up here, but I am glad I did. This is hysterical. Sounds like the ramblings of a mad person. I feel bad for kids who can’t do anything at all. These are the kids who end up being the most unbalanced adults for having an oppressed childhood by crazy parents. Kids have to learn by being normal and doing normal social things. You should be confident in how you raise them that they will make the right choice. If they are that sheltered they will never be able to successfully navigate this world as adults.
Marie
This sounds like instructions for how to raise an insecure, repressed child. I understand your concerns, but you cannot protect your child from every imagined threat. I think this post represents a fear based need for control, rather than a faith based need to protect. Your child’s boundaries and moral fiber will be tested no matter what you do. Let go. Be there for them when they need you and stop trying to control everything.
Laura
My parents were very overprotective for many of the reasons you are discussing, and had the same sort of logic. . As a parent now, I understand their fears. However, Many limitations (although well meaning) were placed because of their bad experiences/choices. If honest, am still struggling with resentment over the facts that I feel I missed out on so many fun experiences because I wasn’t trusted to make decisions differently than they did, despite a long track record of good decision making and closeness with the Lord. I always felt left out for many of the reasons you are describing and it took a toll on me. I’ve actually had to spend a lot of time in Christian counseling working through these issues. My counsellor has even gone so far to say that my parents abused their authority over me, although like you they intended good. I am a pastor’s wife, as well as physician assistant. God has used my life experiences to bring good and glory to Him. For that I am thankful. But I just caution you a bit. A heart continuously disappointed grows sick. Teenagers need to feel they are trusted if they have made good choices. Teenagers also need an intimate community other than their family, and it is hard to have that when they are continuously supervised. As a parent I do everything I can to make try to navigate them towards a community of God loving kids, and so far their closest friends are those. And the friends who are not, spend the night at our house and see what it is like to be a part of a loving family who tries (and fails at time) to love Jesus. But I want my daughter to stay up late building a bond with her Christian friends…to feel rooted in that community. Are they going to make mistakes….yes. But that is where God is gracious and we learn together. But to supervise her so much that she doesn’t have the freedoms to mess up and learn, is detrimental to her emotional, mental and spiritual growth in my opinion. this parenting stuff is not easy. And I do commend you for trying to do what you feel is best for your children. Just please keep in mind that the isolation and the loneliness a kid may feel from overprotection also can have consequences in the long run.
Jacqueline
Laura, I am glad you are weighing all these things. I am praying the Lord will guide each family in what they are needing to do. Just keep seeking the Lord with all of your heart, mind soul and strength and ask for wisdom. it is the best and the right thing to do! he will lead you! I was one who was harmed and experimented on as one of the younger children. It changes lives forever.
Laura
Oh I am so so sorry to hear what you went through. I cannot imagine the pain that brought. Thank you for your gracious response. You are right. Parenting is all about pleading with God to show you His way with the children He has untrusted you with. And it is so hard when you have a painful experience, to Navigate the waters, as you want to do everything to keep your kids from experiencing the pain you went through. I think the hardest part for me is not to over correct, and let the pendulum swing too far the other way. In my opinion it is so hard To try and help your kids avoid the pitfalls you experienced, while not parenting out of your wounds. Lots of times for me that means a day by day, minute by minute plea for help. It sounds like you love your kids very much and they are very lucky to have a mom who loves them so. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Adam
I think one thing the article misses is the dreaded kid who asks tough questions. As for the individual who replied with the story about their 6 year old. It may be good to freshen up your knowledge on child development. Oftentimes that happens without some trauma, like abuse.
That said, i think many people are so legalistic it’s no wonder that young people leave the church in droves when their child has grown. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, and I am very aware of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. I grew in a southern baptist church and both parents are wonderful God fearing people who I admire deeply. I gave my life to the Lord at 26– I wandered and what brought me back was the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Having said that, this weird Flanders culture of rules, Ken Ham and horrible apologetics like Lee Strobel is just mind boggling. It’s the work of God in our lives that brings about true change and repentance—boundaries are great and you should train up your child… I do that, but I want my kids to see His grace and not my fear of not following church rules to a T
Jacqueline
Hi, Adam,
I wonder if the disconnect on apologetics is that apologetic are not for unbelievers – they are for us (Christians)… we need to be ready to give an answer. You have a point, but each situation is also different…This is an appeal to parents to use discernment.
Sara
We do sleepovers becuse we don’t believe in God. You do you but really your letting down your kid and other kids. Think about how Jesus would think about that.
Your telling your kid that sleepovers at other kids houses is bad and they should not have friends.
Again Jesus would disapprove becuse he values friendships but you clearly don’t.
No hate but really??
Rachael
As a Christian kid who was always refused getting to go or have sleep overs, even with my neighbor, this article finally makes sense. It’s still tough to swallow, because well…I am young (18…)….but it did help me better understand the subject.
It always sounded fun, but I was always away if the possible dangers. My closest friends I trust, but they all have at least one brother in the home aside from their dads and I personally am always very watchful on that stuff.
But I never thought about the edification aspect…
Thanks
Jacqueline
Rachael, I love that you are already so wise at 18! God is readying you for something wonderful! Thank you for sharing your heart!
Big hugs and abundant blessings! ~J
Ariana
Homeschooled and No sleepovers ???controlling much? I’m glad you’re getting your kids ready for the real world that’s full of unicorns and rainbows. What a joke.
Jacqueline
Ariana, sounds like you have little tolerance for opinions other than your own. I truly hope that you don’t have one or more of your children harmed for life.
Blessings to you, ~J
jack buck
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Gina
Any suggestions on how to respond when questioned?
Jacqueline
Hi, Gina! I will have to go back to the post and re-read it for hints. I think she gives some ideas. Our kids are married now, so I will have to think hard about what we replied.
But in general , bc our friends were all “Christians” – at least said they were – I probably said something like, “we’ve debated long and hard on this difficult topic and after praying about it and lots of discussion decided that ( for our family) we just would not do any sleepovers so no one would feel hurt or slighted if they were excluded.” People seemed fine with that explanation.
I hope that helps! ~Jacque
Stephanie
Unreal. Poor kids. Want me to send some more bubble wrap?
Jacqueline
Stephanie, it is sad that you would be/ seem willing for sexual abuse to possibly happen to your child(ren). With all the child trafficking today, you must be blind or ignorant to what is going on!
KPR
As someone who was raised in a Christian home (who doesn’t have children) here is my experience.
Myself (about age 6) and my toddler brother went to a church members home for the evening while my parents had an evening out. The mom wasn’t feeling well so the teen daughter and son looked after us. I was molested by the son. To this day (I am in my 30’s) my parents still do not know this. Thank you for protecting your children regardless of what others may think. As an teen I was exposed to many of the things you mentioned. I would have been much better off if my parents would have not allowed sleepovers.
Jacqueline
Oh, KPR, my heart goes out to you! I am so sad over this world! I am praying for you! And thank you for sharing. ~J
Jana
Thank you so much for this post! Just this evening my 7-year-old’s daughter’s classmate’s mom texted me about an invite to an afternoon birthday party then the girls are invited to sleep over. We won’t be allowing her to sleep over for various reasons, but do you think it could be a disaster if we let her go to the afternoon party but pick her up and face the “we have to leave, but the other girls get to sleep over” situation? She knows the kid is having a birthday party but I’ve not told her she’s going. We’ve had friends sleep over but after reading your post, I think I’ll reconsider allowing it altogether. The other issue is that our daughter is an only child and although I could cite “mom guilt” here, your post has made me question why our culture sleeps at other people’s homes for “fun” when maybe it really should be a private/immediate family issue? A good ol’ day play date should suffice!!
Jacqueline
Jana, I love that you are considering this.
First, if you are seeking wisdom from the Lord, ask Him for it! He will supply (and often much more than you ask – Eph. 3: 20-21)
You have several options. If your daughter is pretty mature, you could ask her to read the post and then discuss it together. Maybe take her somewhere for lunch or plan to take her and a friend or 2 somewhere special (not as a bribe, but to make up for it) or on a “date” with you and give here several options to choose from. Not something material, but something relational.
If she is not yet ready to see your side, you may just have to tell her that one day she will thank you and be prepared to give her some stories of sleep-overs gone wrong to ponder as she is ready for them. Our kids are stronger than we give them credit for so a well chosen example won’t scar her, but may give her much food for thought and help her guard herself more in the future.
I would not confront the other parent(s), but just say, “we have been reconsidering so many things lately” or mention these words from the post:
“That being said, just the other day, a post by Tim Challies came through my newsfeed. He posted on Why His Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers in response to Dr. James Dobson’s writings in child training books on this topic. I highly recommend reading Tim’s response and the excerpts he highlights. Very insightful and challenging. Plus, I find it interesting that Dobson doesn’t advocate sleepovers either, in fact, he strongly and boldly discourages them.” and then lightly drop it.
Who knows… you may be a gentle but powerful influencer of the whole group and get other moms thinking. Maybe even share this post for them to see what has prompted you to take your stand.
I will pray for you and your daughter (esp as a single daughter) that she “gets it” and her eyes are more open to circumstances that could be very harmful beyond her control. I am praying for the other moms, too, but not expecting them to “get it”.
God bless you! I love your mom instincts heart in this matter!
Jacqueline
Jana
Wow- thank you for your candid, sincere reply. I’ve had a lot of godly people speak into my life over the years, but I’ve never had anyone give this kind of wisdom and insight! I did read some of Tim’s post and I may check out Dobson’s “Bringing Up Girls” book. My daughter is very sociable and bright. I did try to schedule an outing with a “safe” family friend but they have weekend plans. I think my husband and will take her out somewhere special and avoid the birthday party altogether. Another bonus here is that we are actually moving out of state within the month so there will be less collateral damage with these friends. 😉 And why we need reminders, I don’t know, but relying on Holy Spirit for constant wisdom and discernment is vital!!
Mom mom
This was a horrifying read. Religion is so scary and culty.
Jacqueline
I am sorry you feel that way, Mom mom! If you really read it and paid attention to what can happen to your child, it might make you think.
As parents, we’ll be held accountable by God for what happens to our children on our watch.
I would encourage you to re-read the reasons and since I trust you love your child(ren), please pray about it and ask “God” if you are missing anything!
Thank you for sharing your feelings, but we are anything but cultish or narrow! We maybe just think more deeply about the possibilites and the risks aren’t worth it!
Blessings,
Jacqueline
T
I agree. I read the article to try and understand the perspective, and as much as it “makes sense” I think it’s also strange. Of course there are a group of people who love this article and are on the same page. Good for them. Probably the same group of people who believe you can pray the gay out of someone. The religion mentality is an interesting mindset. You’ll probably respond to this reply with how you’ll pray for me. I grew up in a household where I was allowed to go to sleepovers at time, and then there were other times my parents said absolutely not. As much as I was mad then, I understand now why some and not the other. My mom was always honest with me about the dangers of the world and protective of who I was allowed to be close to be. I grew up with no traumas from sleepovers, and an understanding of the reality of the dangers society has lurking in the corners.
Jacqueline
Hi, T,
Sounds like your mom did a good job of balancing protection and reality of life with the specific situation at the time.
Sadly, you are one of the few that had a mom who was awake to the problems, even back then! That is the key. Then is not today and even though many were very hurt by others, it is on steroids now and so this is a call for wisdom.
I don’t know anyone who feels you can “pray the gay out of someone’. Only God can change hearts, so we can pray that He will change the confused heart.
Sending peace,
Jacqueline
Kimberly
This post makes me feel even more confident in me keeping my children safe from any & all harm, including this virus. I keep seeing many Christian parents throwing caution to the wind & risking sickness on their children or others. They wouldn’t want someone to come over with a little tummy bug or the flu but act like this virus is just nothing bc of the political infiltration. Politics may have gotten involved but there’s many countries that have been wearing masks for many years due to viruses, air pollution, etc & now have very low rates of the virus due to their consistent mask wearing. In Vietnam they didn’t go into lockdown or be made to wear masks by the Govt, the citizens CHOSE to do this on their own because they know masks & social distancing works as it has in the past multiple times. Their country is even more united than ever, even By the ones who choose to rebel “just because”. I wish the USA could be more united, it is called the UNITED states after all. But until more people begin to love & follow God, we will continue to see such hatred & malicious sin. I try to protect my children from all known risks, including that seatbelt & car seat they say is “restricting” them but is for their safety. So many parents these days are allowing their young children to not be in proper seats or in a seatbelt & it’s scary. All we can do is pray for people to have love in their hearts so one day we can have peace & harmony in our world. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Jacqueline
Kimberly, thank you so much for sharing your heart here!
Many blessings and God bless you, Jacqueline
sahmpaw
Our kids are in Trail Life Boys and American Heritage Girls. Both of their troops camped at the same location but in separate sites. Dads slept in tents with their sons. Girls slept in tents with the girls in their units. A lot of moms attended the girls campout. I slept in a tent next to my daughter. She is 11 a terrible sleeper and has some GI issues so I wanted to be there for her first sleepover. I was worried because I was planning on having the sex talk beforehand but we were so busy the week prior. I didn’t want her to hear about it from any of the other girls. Boy did I worry for nothing! 🙂 The girls in her tent were praying, saying the rosary and playing lullabies to help them fall asleep the first night. Lol. It is a wholesome alternative to sleepovers and parents are welcome to register and attend with their child. My kids had a blast! Everyone slept poorly, though, except for the baby and my next youngest. That was the only downside. It took a couple days to catch up on sleep.
MamaBee
I will never allow sleep overs because I was assaulted by my brother’s friend who stayed over at our house. People think “that wouldn’t happen in MY home or to MY kids” but the reality is you just never know and it happens more often then you might think. I am by all accounts an average, middle class American who lived in a safe neighborhood and had good friends. But it still happened to me.
That doesn’t mean every sleepover is risky but like the article mentions, it’s way easier to draw a clear line than try to explain every time why/why not the sleep over is allowed.
Glad to know there are other families who say no to sleep overs! It’s a bummer people think you’re horrible or robbing your children if you make that choice.
Cheryl
My daughter is grown up now. She had one friend who constantly did sleepovers, even during the week. I hated them. My daughter loved it. I wouldn’t allow weekdays but allowed weekends. There is a huge amount of pressure, not only from the kids but their mothers as well. I buckled and allowed it. She was introduced to McDonald s which I never did, but the worse was the cola. Fizzy drinks which she didn’t have till a sleepover at eight years old. No turning back after that. My husband worked away, for long periods so it helped my daughter as she had her friend’s father who she took too. He was a nice man, and he told me she was cuddling him, and looked up to him. She did not have a father figure in her life. I think it showed her what she did not have. It hurt me, as her own father wasn’t bothered by being told this. So no I don’t like sleepovers, going out for day trips yes but not sleepovers, from my experience.
Jacqueline
Cheryl, that must have been hard for you. Yes, circumstances often lead to things we look back at and then can fully see how they happened.
I am urging parents to look at the bigger piccture and be proactive to prevent such things where possible.
It is not alwyas possible, though, so we do our best and trust the Lord that he knows what He’s doing!
Thank you for sharing that!
Jacque
sahmpaw
I have a regret not realizing until after the fact. I had two Titus 2 women in my life but one moved away so we don’t meet any more. We joined a music co-op due to our Sunday School requiring masks. I had some concerns about the songs they would be singing (one was Hillsong) but since the kids would not be in Sunday School we decided to join the coop. My daughter ended up singing like Christina Aguilera to Hillsong plus learned some new hip shaking from her teacher who is in to the latest trend of skin tight jeans with crop tops. (sigh). I feel like I have no voice as a mom, no confidence and rarely do my husband and I agree. In the end my son who didn’t want to be in choir and hated the first month ended up loving it and doing well. My daughter made no friends and developed the worst attitude throughout the year. She also didn’t perform as well. In looking back I realized she would have done better in the level below the one she was put in (she is behind one grade level, small for her age and immature). I wish I could make better choices as a mom.
DavetteB
I truthfully never thought about this, though given the day and age I probably should. My mom never liked a houseful of kids so I usually only had one or two (siblings) over for any sleepovers. I only slept over at a few friends’ homes and these were people that we could literally trust with our lives. These were also fellow believers; there were no outings of any sort with classmates or neighbor kids. I had a son so it never came up. I don’t envy anyone that decision now.
Jacqueline
DavetteB, yes, it is much differnt with boys. It is a decisoon that many make out of wisdom so theynever ahve to deal with worse than a hard decision.
It’s like pocking your battles… Pay now or pay later kind of thing!
Blessings,
Jacque