What if we could insulate our daughters against the empty flattery of insincere young men and the lies of this culture that will certainly come her way? What if she was trained to discern the contrast between flattery vs. complement, lust vs. love, and being protected vs. being property? You know it would make a difference! Updated Sept., 2016.
I believe teaching these distinctions to our daughters must start when our girls are on our laps; it comes from how we model our lives ( and words) in front of them, and has a LOT to do with what we expose them to all along the way!
Teach Our Daughters The Difference
Our desire is to insulate, not isolate our children, and in this case, our daughters. We need to show them, incrementally and sensitively, the evils of the world so they will not be naive. They need to know that there are people (men and women) who will seek to use anything they can for their own selfish desires.
We should not lock our daughters in a tower (like Gothel did to Rapunzel), leaving them all too eager to leave when given their first chance. More than likely, they will fall for a tricky thief like Flynn Rider.
Don’t fill your child’s head with romantic ideas early on. Like is says in Song of Solomon, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” ~Song of Songs 8:4
This is so important. If you daughter is oblivious to young men around her, as long as she is acting appropriately around them, you should not tease her about the time she spends with a friend. Discourage quietly those who would ask about boyfriends or dating. You might be surprised. The public at large thinks that 6 or 7 years old is not too young to start thinking of boys.
“A Toy Boat” – Henri Jacques Bource
Allow your daughter to enjoy the years she can with little boys and girls alike. Those will be some of the most carefree, beautiful years, and you don’t want them to end any earlier than they have to.
You may also want to analyze what movies your children watch. Are you filling your little girl’s head with ideas of Disney princes and is your middle-aged daughter thinking about Mr. Darcy? Mr. Darcy does not represent the reality of life, in most cases, so why fill her thoughts with something that will disappoint in the end?
Even some of us mothers may find great pleasure in time-period dramas that stimulate our hearts to things that we would desire in our own marriages. Are we unintentionally setting them up for disillusionment?
As one reader stated, “The problem may not be Disney princesses or Mr. Darcy (who actually does represent what I would want a young girl to look for…a man who is convicted about his poor attitude and behavior and matures rather than a man who is seemingly perfect like many a Prince Charming), but rather an inability to see the difference. To me it seems like a heart issue of desiring love, admiration, and affection from the wrong sources, not an external issue of whether they dress up like Disney princesses or not. You can keep them away from Disney and Jane Austen until they are 25, but if they don’t know to expect imperfection in a spouse or to look for godly characteristics in a man, the root problem will still exist.”
Don’t Arouse A Desire for Romantic Love Before Its Time
Dating/relationship with the purpose of marriage (or whatever you choose to call it) is such a beautiful thing, but until your daughter is ready, I urge you to not evoke romantic images in your child’s mind. Don’t awaken desires before their time.
Henry Brooker, Blind Man’s Bluff
Courtship/dating with the purpose of marriage (or whatever you call it), if done poorly and without great care, can be very painful. Don’t paint a canvas of thornless roses, all the while knowing that where there is love, there is bound to be pain.
Instead, pour into your daughter the beauty of serving Jesus. Read great books, explore the world of art, music, nature, decorating, crafting, science, and hospitality. Love will come in its time.
Find things that are beautiful (hopefully inexpensive or from nature) and fill your home with them. When you see an example of a dedicated father and devoted husband, point that out to your daughters. Especially when that husband is your husband and that father is their father, make a huge point of mentioning that you want your daughter to marry a man with the good qualities that you see in your man.
Teach & Bind our Daughters
1. Teach the whole Word of God in all it’s fullness and truth, trusting the Holy Spirit will water the seeds we plant in our daughter’s lives. Do it with joy and gladness, remembering it can’t be done in a day or a week. Over many years give them a thoroughly biblical worldview through which to see the world and make future decisions.
2. Bind your daughters hearts to you and your husband by interacting with them in everyday life. Protect them by spending time with them in wholesome pursuits. These years will never come again so we must ask for grace and wisdom to use them wisely.
And what if you find yourself with a young daughter that has come under some influence and is suddenly headed in the wrong direction? Is it too late to insulate them or re-establish lines of communication that for some reason have been lost?
It is NEVER too late to ask for the Holy Spirit’s power and guidance to rebuild the relationship with this girl we hardly recognize anymore!
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” ~James 1: 5-6
Today the forces coming against our daughters are very much stronger than they were when we were young. Let us take every opportunity to build God’s ways into these precious young lives.
Share Mistakes?
This may (or may not) be the time to share about the mistakes you made in your life (that they may not even be aware of) and the consequences that resulted from running ahead of God. This would require great care and prayer. Don’t say anything negative about your spouse, parents, etc., but accept the blame for your own actions and share how you wish someone had cared enough to alert you to beware.
There was a time I felt led to share parts of my past with my children, but I took great care in how I did it. These young lives are going grow up into adults someday who have the potential to impact the world for Christ. In the end you are not responsible for what they do, but you can be a deciding factor in how they live their lives.
Be Bold
Are you bold to speak the truth to an older daughter when deceptions of the culture are being believed? Or, do you find it easy to stay silent because you feel too timid or you are concerned what people think of you?
Imagine if ALL God-fearing Mothers purposefully began to boldly speak truth (with kindness and gentleness) into their daughter’s/children’s lives! Let’s start! Soak your daughters in God’s Word and His truth. Speak seeds of truth wherever you go. Let us not do it with condemnation or a judging attitude, but with a winsome heart of gracious love and encouragement. Come on, let’s start being bold for God and His truth. This may be our only chance.
I have no formula with which to leave you, but I trust the Lord will show you the way.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” ~Matthew 6:33
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Thanks for reading!
Jennifer says
Wonderful! Thank you for sharing. I have two sons, and I have seen the above graphic/quote more than once. Raising sons to be courageous, honest men is tricky business in this culture. I try to keep my goals for them godly…and with their future potential spouses in mind.
Toni says
Hi Jacqueline!
All the information you have included here is so desperately needed by young girls. I love the pictures you’ve posted, too. I think I’m going to print the first one and set it on the dresser in the room where my granddaughters stay when they visit so they can ponder it when they are alone. Thank you for another thought-provoking post. Have a great evening.
Lisa says
As a mom with a newborn girl, it is so important to be reminded of the possible hurt of the fairy tale nonsense that Disney dishes out to our lovely daughters. I was raised on them and failed to really see what the danger was until my own daughter was born. Notice there is never a mom in these stories – and if there is a stepmom, she is evil. Their outfits are sensual and most of them are rebellious to those in authority over them (i.e. Ariel, Jasmine, Merida, even Rapunzel). Not role models for my little girl!
Heather says
I love that graphic and wish I had been confident in those things prior to accepting my then-husband’s proposal. So now I am stuck. How do I teach my daughter to avoid men like her father? It’s a fine line. I have tried talking in very general terms, but she’s very smart/wise and usually answers with, “like daddy?” It breaks my heart to have to teach her to avoid men like the one who contributed half of her. I don’t want her to think she’s bad because of who her biological father is.
She has asked me to find her a “real daddy” (her own words) on numerous occasions. It breaks my heart to hear her cry, “I want a real daddy.” She is begging me to enter into a courtship with a man I know (that she’s never met). It’s something he and I have discussed, but it’s not happening right now.
I know that no one here knows me, but please know that I do take marriage very seriously.
Jacqueline says
Heather, I am praying for you and your daughter right now, sweet sister.
I have also just had something come to mind as I read your words: I would ask you to PRAY FOR YOUR HUSBAND and to ask your daughter to also pray for him. By praying, you demonstrate that you have compassion for his lost soul and your daughter will have a much less difficult time forgiving him. It may prevent her (and you) from becoming bitter for the rest of her life. The Lord could even choose to redeem his life through your prayers. I believe with the Lord all things are possible! Please pray for him at least for your daughter’s sake and the Lord can heal much of the pain.
I will lift your husband up, too, that he might feel remorse for hurtful actions and come to know Jesus!
Blessings and a hug! J
Heather says
Thank you, Jacqueline! That’s a wonderful suggestion and we do pray for him. When she’s angry at something he’s done or not done, I suggest that she pray for him instead of remaining angry. One of her favorite songs lately is Matthew West’s “Forgiveness.” I have also told her that I pray for him too, so that she knows that I ‘practice what I preach.’
I have prayed for a Saul/Paul like conversion for him, for I agree with you: nothing is impossible with God!
Jacqueline says
Aww..I am so glad. May God be glorified in it all! He does use all things for the good of those who are called according to His purposes! Love you in Jesus!!
Penny Lane says
Oh I just love this. I am definitely sharing with our readers as well.
Jacqueline says
Thank you so much, Penny 🙂
Autumn says
AMEN and AMEN!! This is on my heart and mind so much lately. Also loved the post about protecting our young girls. I was wondering if you could message me personally somehow on my email if you have some time. It is not urgent…just have some questions I would rather ask privately.
Thank you for such a wonderful blog. So needed today!
Charlotte Moore says
Very good!!!! GOD BLESS!!
Jacqueline says
Thank you for the encouragement, Charlotte! You are such a help to me just knowing you are rooting and praying!
Varita Powers says
Wonderful! After raising three of my own children I have always been concerned about their children. I am happy to say that all 9 have Godly parents teaching them Godly principles through the Word! However, I know some mom’s who need to read this, so I am happy to share it with them. Thank you for sharing with us!! Many Blessings!!
Melinda (Auntie Em) says
What a wise, wonderful post!
Kendra @ AProverbs 31 Wife says
What a wonderful post! We don’t have children yet and sometimes I am down right scared of having children, it seems nearly impossible to raise Godly men and women in this world. But I know that with God all things ARE possible. And I still see families that are raising up sons and daughters for God and I watch them, hoping to learn from them 🙂
Jacqueline says
Kendra, please don’t let the evil one frighten you…that is his desire~ to destroy anything we might do in the Lord, for the Lord! Praying for you to have courage and wisdom!
Jedidja says
Thank you Jacqueline. I have three daughters (21, 20, 12) and I know how important it is what you write. Let’s fight for openness and honesty. It is especially difficult to learn the difference between love and lust. You helped me! Thanks.
Jacqueline says
It is all rather confusing, but with prayer and the Holy Spirit, we can thrive and be free!
Hannah Jurgelis says
Such an inspirational post. But, I have a question. I have a 6 month old son, and people are already suggesting that he will be interested in girls before we know it.
How do I gently but firmly put these statements to rest?
There is enough temptation in the world for men, my son doesn’t need to be pushed toward girls at this age. He doesn’t even know what a girl is yet, he’s only just said his first word.
Thanks for your help.
Hannah J
Check out my blog at:
dreamingofperfect.weebly.com
Jacqueline says
I think you nailed it: ‘gently, but firmly’! You may consider telling people that ‘In your humble opinion’, you think that our culture is over-sexualizing everything. If we (as a culture) see a problem with where things are going, we need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem, with continually talking about it. Just say that you would prefer they not preempt the topic out of respect for your beliefs! Problem is that many people may talk about it MORE if you ask them…a spirit of rebellion towards what is good 🙁
My bottom-line solution is to seek like-minded friends for the young and middle years while not sheltering them. Discuss this boy-girl relationship problem exists with your children when the time is right so they aren’t blind to this worldly, distorted viewpoint. Be so close, loving, and enjoyable that they aren’t drawn by others who may pay them attention with wrong motives.
Praying along with you parents!
Renee says
Thank you for sharing this message! Oh, how oft it needs shared! It blessed my heart: with encouragement & conviction from Christ! I appreciate my God-fearing sisters, that will share truth in charity; even if it’s “unpalatable” to the world. God bless you!
Sandy says
This is very good, thank you. I heard once that,
“Lust can’t wait to take. Love can’t wait to give.”
as a way of distinguishing the difference. I agree, the two have been badly confused by our culture. We are in a spiritual battle with this Disney type of thinking. Thanks for your wise words.
Karen says
I think this is the best post you’ve ever written and I sure wish my mom had known this back in her child rearing days. It would have saved our entire family (three girls and one boy) a lot of regrets and heartaches.
Jacqueline says
Thank you, Karen~ May the Lord use it to His glory…it is for Him, anyway 🙂
Olivia says
Thanks so much for sharing it was amazing! so true and just what I need to hear….so good! God Bless you 🙂
Sheri says
Love this post.
Our daughter is a very Godly teenager (16). The other day at church she was asked by a younger teen boy why she hadn’t had a boyfriend yet? Was she gay? My D said one of her friends spoke up and said it was because she was smart.
My question – should I talk to the boy or his parents?
Jacqueline says
That is a good question, Sheri. Without having been there or knowing the boy ( have you already got his trust to be able to speak with him or will he blow you off) I would pray about speaking to the one/ones you know best…it also might be wisest not to speak but to just use it as a teaching opportunity with your daughter. I have found that speaking out sometimes only hurt things if you don’t already have a good relationship with them. “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy… They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.” (NLT) They have an unholy worldview.
Sheri says
Thank you!
Elizabeth@Warrior Wives says
As a marriage blogger, I think one of the biggest issues many women enter marriage with is unrealistic expectations, some of which come from failing to distinguish between reality and fiction so I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t, however, think the problem itself is Disney princesses or Mr Darcy (who actually does represent what I would want a young girl to look for…a man who is convicted about his poor attitude and behavior and matures rather than a man who is seemingly perfect like many a Prince Charming.) but rather an inability to see the difference. To me it seems like a heart issue of desiring love, admiration, and affection from the wrong sources, not an external issue of whether they dress up like Disney princesses or not. You can keep them away from Disney and Jane Austen until they’re 25, but if they don’t know to expect imperfection in a spouse or to look for godly characteristics in a man, the root problem will still exist. I grew up with Gilbert Blythe, Prince Charming, Mr Knightly, and Mr Darcy and I know the difference between those men and my husband.
Jacqueline says
Well said, Elizabeth, esp: “You can keep them away from Disney and Jane Austen until they’re 25, but if they don’t know to expect imperfection in a spouse or to look for godly characteristics in a man, the root problem will still exist.” ! I’m so glad you added to the discussion here 🙂
Nabila Grace says
Such a convicting post! This post and the last one about dress burden me not as much for my young daughter, but my two older girls that don’t live with us. I struggle how to touch their hearts with conviction without judgement and share with them the beauty of womanhood and about men. They don’t want to even be talked to about Christianity much either which makes it a bit harder. In some strange way I had them watch Pride and Prejudice just hoping for them to see how men can treat women in a more honoring way then how they see it in public school. Something to keep praying about. Thank again for convicting posts that help me stretch my thinking. 🙂
jess says
May I ask who painted this beautiful painting of a mother reading to a child above?
Jacqueline says
Hi, Jess,
I found it only one place, but it doesn’t tell us the artist’s name: http://hdwpics.com/mother-and-child-hdw1020398
I hope this helps 🙂
Blessings!