Updated 2/2019. (Photo source)
My heart is breaking for our daughters.
I’m aware that it is likely that I will receive negative reactions from readers, however I feel the need to speak out. Please do not confuse my thoughts as snooty legalism or me thinking I have all the answers – it is that I care deeply about our young girls.
My purpose is not to judge or offend, but to hopefully awaken parents of young children to the damage that is being caused by knowingly or unknowing immersing our young girls in a culture that is sexualizing them earlier than ever before and with terrible consequences.
And when we do not protect our daughters we are also not protecting our sons.
Please extend me grace as I try to share difficult thoughts, but it is so important to raising our young girls to be wholehearted and content with who God created them to be.
They will some day grow up to have little girls and boys of their own, and they will need to be well-grounded in much, much more than the latest makeup and how to be eye-candy for the boys.
(PS – I know there are moms and schools that really do not push the girls to the limits and have reasonable cheerleading routines and outfits…NOT speaking of these in this post. Thx.)
Affirmed Through Our Daughters?
One year we held a large event in a convention center right next door to a state cheerleading competition. It was quite embarrassing to many families as we walked down the shared halls, and what a distraction to our sons and daughters!
From the littlest tots to the teen girls, all were decked out with heavy make-up, sparkles, fake eyelashes, and racy outfits that mirrored NFL cheerleaders.
More than a few of one group at one point lay in the aisles with their legs up in the air doing splits (stretching), exposing themselves without a second thought. Mothers were fussing with their hairdos and giving last minute touch-ups as they got ready for the next routine, loudly urging them to ‘show ’em your stuff’.
Many mothers dream about seeing their child break into something big, to be the next Mary Lou Retton (my era) or achieve notoriety and financial success like a Hollywood figure they admire. If they have to learn to dance like Vegas showgirls, well, that’s OK.
(Mary Lou Retton)
Some mothers want their daughters to be beautiful and admired and enter them into beauty pageants. We women are so often lured into this type of thinking—we are sucked in by our desire for attention and affirmation through an appeal to our flesh and vanity.
(Source)
Desire For Attention But What Kind?
There is a temptation for a mother to use her daughter’s attractiveness as a way of validating HER own self-worth. Patsy Ramsey was a former beauty queen, but I doubt that she foresaw the tragic end to their story.
“Today, hundreds of thousands of children participate in pageants. Many of these children enter their first pageants as toddlers, even infants. Before they can even walk, they are dressed up in sequins and wear heavy make-up to compete for cash and crowns.
The modern child pageant industry includes over 25,000 pageants and brings in over a billion dollars per year.
The pageant world is obsessed with physical perfection and the parents of these children will go to great lengths to secure the crown for their daughters.” (source)
Major retailers are certainly not doing anything to help. Here is a CBS headline that caught my attention: Abercrombie bikini tops: Threat to girls’ mental health? In an actual Barbie-world store, the main aim is marketing to 2-8 year-olds.
I am trying to address something that has been on my mind and heart for years since that weekend at the convention.
Calling All Mothers
What I have to say may turn someone off, or it may help someone wrestling with this topic of parental involvement and the strong guidance of mothers, in particular, with daughters.
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.“ ~Galatians 6: 7-9
Why are we not protecting our daughter’s hearts and minds, helping them to ease into adolescence and womanhood without a heavy burden of thoughts and exposures they are not emotionally ready or equipped to handle?
The feelings of comparison and competition to look perfect, be the best, and get noticed take their focus off of the simplest foundational things that should be of greatest importance: being part of and fitting into a family, discovering through healthy play and study indoors and out, learning to work and help run a home, cook, and care for others in an unselfish manner with a cheery heart, build a healthy mind and body by getting good sleep and eating nutritious meals, not to mention a relationship with the Lord!
Building these foundations take years of consistent input and prayer for guidance by a conscientious Mother (and Father).
This article is not speaking about normal dress-up play that many young girls enjoy. That is part of emulating who they want be someday, but beware lest dress-up loses it’s innocence.
Who Is Modeling To Our Daughters
Consider what your children watch and how it will affect their body image and tastes. Even a small exposure to something that awakens them to thinking about appearances or sexuality before it is necessary draws them into un-wholesome comparisons.
TV is filled with actresses that spend hours with make-up artists and seldom look like that on a day to day basis, but a child’s mind doesn’t have the discernment to understand that.
We have become such a narcissistic society that we have stopped being intentional somewhere along the way!
Much of our striving has to do with how cute we can be and the attention we can gain.
It seems today our value is measured by how outwardly beautiful other people think we are. And we wonder why we have girls dealing with depression and potentially life-threatening eating disorders; they feel they can’t measure up to the world’s elusive definition of beauty!
Do you believe that parents can/should have a strong influence over what their daughters and sons believe about sexual purity? Should we just give up and abdicate our position as mentoring parents because it is too hard or embarrassing to discuss sex, relationships, and other difficult topics?
Dr. McIlhaney’s Observations
Dr. Joe McIlhaney, a board-certified obstetrician and gynecologist has come to some very disturbing conclusions over his long career caring for girls and women.
His observations?
“By in large, the family in Western culture has stopped protecting its daughters. Today’s young women are growing up way too quickly. We have abandoned our protective role for young women, especially in regards to guiding them in male-female relations and marriage. Hollywood programs geared to teens and young adults often glamorize the idea of young women who are sexually aggressive and loose.”
Have we lost our minds?
It is heartbreaking to read what Dr. McIlhaney says about the impact, both physically and emotionally, that America’s sexual culture is having on young women.
The back cover of Dr. McIlhaney’s book Girls Uncovered states, “Our daughters live in a culture that sees sex as both a sacred right to be exercised with anyone, at any time, and also as ‘no big deal.’ This culture of ‘hooking up’ among teens and young adults is no longer a secret.” And, it is having disastrous and long-term effects on our young women, not to mention undermining our young men in purity and character.
How Can We Help Daughters? Start Young
So the question for us parents is: How can we help our young women live holy lives in our upside down world?
The end of James 1:27 exhorts us to keep ourselves “unstained by the world”. How can we encourage this in our daughters and young women, knowing full well that they are bombarded daily with messages that do anything but encourage holiness?
I believe it must start when our girls (and sons, of course) are little, it comes from how we model our lives in front of them, and has a LOT to do with what we expose them to all along the way! And if they are not little anymore? We then cry out to the Lord and build that relationship with our daughters as best we can.
1. Teach the whole Word of God in all it’s fullness and truth, trusting the Holy Spirit will water the seeds we plant in our daughter’s lives. Do it with joy and gladness, remembering it can’t be done in a day or a week. Over many years give them a thoroughly biblical worldview through which to see the world and make future decisions.
2. Bind your daughters hearts to you by interacting with them in everyday life. Protect them by spending time with them in wholesome pursuits. These years will never come again so we must ask for grace and wisdom to use them wisely.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” ~James 1: 5
Resources
I asked our 20 year-old daughter (now 24) to recommend books that influenced her at 8-13, and these are some of her favorites:
Beautiful Girlhood and The Companion Guide to Beautiful Girlhood are ideally to be read with Mom. Set-Apart Femininity and Authentic Beauty are for a bit older (10 and up?-you be the judge), and both have companion guides. These books are very helpful for us mothers coming out of the culture, too!
If I Perish, Redeeming Love and Evidence Not Seen are for older daughters who are going deeper in their faith, learning to live an others-focused life.
I wish I had a formula for a balanced approach to protecting your daughter’s heart and mind from the culture without totally sheltering her. For me it was mainly an awareness that I needed a wisdom much greater than mine.
This brings new meaning to ‘pray without ceasing’!
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” ~Proverbs 31:30
Kate @ Teaching What Is Good
Amen and AMEN!! Thank you so much, my dear friend, for writing this excellent post and for sharing it with my link-up. I pray many moms (and dads) will read this and be challenged about how we let the world mold our daughters instead of letting the Lord mold them!
Patricia
finally! I have been feeling in a lost and deserted place. Thank you for your comments!
Nancy
I am so thankful for this article and agree with Patricia’s and Kate’s comments. I often feel like our culture has changed dramatically in the last 5 years and as a grandmother and a believer am now obsolete . I have 5 young granddaughters so am concerned that we as parents/grandparents protect our girls, focusing on godly character and not their appearance.
Jacqueline
Patricia and Nancy,
Let us pray earnestly that the Lord will be guide and be very near to those mothers and fathers that are doing everything they can , and that He will open the eyes and hearts of those who have not understood the dangers yet before it is too late for their girls. May the Lord give us all the will and the grace to mold them for the Lord!
Mary
I was just saying to my 15 yr old son in the car today…..I never thought I would be the one to be counter-cultural today. But we have to counter the culture as it stands today. He shared this with me.
“Hard times create good men.
Good men create good times
Good times create weak men
Weak men create hard times.
Another variation:
Hard times make hard people,
Hard people make soft times,
Soft times make soft people,
Soft people make hard times.
Let us vow to, all of us, nurture children for the hard times and create in them a heart for God.
Jacqueline
Oh, whoa! Your son is insightful! Love the wisdom contained. I would like to share them and would love permission to use them.
Blessings, dear Mom 😀 Fight for the right!
George Wheelan
I am a single dad now grandfather and my child still calls me for advice,My story is rare in that I had a lot of help ad support from both families.My earthly and the family of God,and those that lived in my neighborhood.I raise her in the admonitiom of the LORD.I took a 20 hour class on the rightly divided way of using the rod of correction 24 years later non believers still ask me if I can share with them how to do that with Love and wisdom.And Proverbs 31 was a huge part of her education along&EPH5
vicki bean
Amen! I agree with you!
JES
This very topic has been close to my heart this past year. One can get so confused and we need so much wisdom… You want to protect but not OVER-shelter but when you see what is going on out there (and in the church too, saddest of all), you want to run and head for the hills!!! Thank you for having the courage to spread this timely message.
Jacqueline
JES,
This took me so long to write. I think Satan was messing with my mind. I kept throwing out what I wrote thinking I was too, too, and would be making it seem like a Pharisaical post. finally after shelving it for a while I came back fresh and ‘prayed up’! Thanks be to God for the help He gives us!
Donna Thompson
Thank you so very much for writing this! It truly breaks my heart to see these little girls and young teens being exploited by their moms/parents. Some of the girls become arrogant, self-centered, egotistical, out and out snobs and bullies!
Bonnie DiCrocco
My husband and I raised four sons and are now grandparents to both beautiful girls and one grandson. We have one of those precious gals and her dad living with us and the others are close by and visit back and forth weekly. One important lesson is that the bible admonished the older women to mentor the younger ones! I don’t countermand what my daughter in law chooses but I help reinforce her messages to them children. We encourage them to be their best but we also encourage them to understand they are children – we need to allow children to enjoy their childhood — the teen years and then adulthood come way too soon with the added pressures and stress! We as grandparents don’t need to hand them the negative. “When we were children…” but rather encourage by example and by our own behavior as modest Christian women! We choose carefully what movies they watch, who we put forth as role models, and even what stories we read or share with them!
Jacqueline
Oh, I hope to be a grandparent some day, God-willing =D I will try to do it just like you. You are a blessing to your whole family!
Kerrie
Thank you for this article, it is a topic that needs to be spoken about.
My sister once asked me (speaking of my then 12 year old DD) “Do you ever let her have fashionable clothes?” I replied, “I am more interested in fashioning her character.”
Jacqueline
Oh, that is an excellent response! It is based in truth~
Erin
Modesty does not overrule fashion. I was taught modesty as a girl and still cling to it in everyday life. It is rare for me to wear something sleeveless and I don’t wear anything low-cut. While I’m no fashion icon, I’m not completely out of fashion.
I love your response, you are doing it right!
kitty
Thank you for this blog. I have also been concerned about how we are forcing our little girls to grow up way too fast. Children are not allowed to be children anymore. The outward appearance seems to be so important today instead of the inward person.
joanna
thank you so much for speaking truth even when it is hard & not popular!
Bambi
Not pharisaical in the least, Jaq. It’s unpopular truth (as if there is a such thing as popular truth?) but needs to be said by any who are willing to take the heat. You did great on this post 🙂
Debbie
Thank you for writing this! How I wish we had had our girls when they were little. We tried to instill Godly values in them, but for the most part, they were unwilling. We continue to pray for them.
Esther @ Graced Simplicity
Very, very WISE words! Thank you for standing up for our girls. Our world needs more woman like you. Thanks for being a blessing, and speaking truth!
Kristin @ Honeycomb Moms
Excellent article and resources. Thank you very much for sharing what God has placed on your heart.
[email protected]
I believe you have shared the truth tonight. Excellent article. I am raising 6 children 4 boys and 2 girls. My girls stand out even at church because of their modest dress, they are not dressed like Laura Ingalls just modestly. For my boys, even at church they have to avert their eyes at time. I don’t say that in a I am better than you way, just that I find it so difficult to raise them modestly in today’s society. We are bombarded with it. It breaks my heart that it has become the norm, even 20 years ago people would have gasped at some of the outfits we see on little girls now.
Donna
The one place our boys should be protected from immodest dress is church. That is so sad for sure. I also agree that this article is well written, and very timely. Thanks to the author for sharing your heart. This topic has also been on my heart also in recent months.
Cindy Lacy
Donna,
I totally agree. The church is full of immodest dress. Not only is it the young girls but the moms as well. When my husband talked to a pastor about it, the pastor basically told my husband it was him who had the problem. We now attend a church where the moms and daughters dress modestly. And, they are so much more beautiful, because the inner beauty shines forth!
Kb
Our BOYS should be protected from immodest dress? How about teaching your boys to respect girls REGARDLESS of how they dress. If your boys can’t handle seeing a girl in a tank top or shorts, maybe you have bigger problems.
Jacqueline
Hi, Kb,
The attitude with which you respond to biblical, God-honoring counsel may indicate that you don’t appreciate biblical counsel.
If your daughter is not doing suggestive moves, that is awesome. There are dance companies that work hard to keep it free of suggestion and I would see nothing wrong with that biblically. I am referring to those who are doing moves that would be thought provocative, slutty or be ****taken by men as a come on****. Also, many are desensitized to what is sexual outside of marriage. Sadly, we have fallen so far from what is classy and tasteful, and it is replaced with what is cheap and trashy.
All of our sons are human whether they are believers or not. Also, I cannot make my son think rightly once he reaches a certain point in his life (I can earnestly pray, though); that is a job for the Holy Spirit if he is a child of the Most High God.
Absolutely we must train up our sons, but satan loves to tempt them to fall (even if it only in their mind). And they do fall, and I don’t want ti to be with my daughter (or me, for that matter, and how I dress or carry myself). I just want no part in helping them fall. I also don’t want daughters to objectified.
Thanks for your comment.
LindaG
God bless. ♥
Carey Jane Clark
I often grieve over the loss of innocence in our society. While there are most certainly evils in every society, ironically, here in China, our kids are exposed to much less in-your-face sensuality–a side-benefit of moving here we are often thankful for. I’ve recently purchased Beautiful Girlhood (and the similar book for boys) for my two children to read with me and their father, respectively. I really appreciate the other references. Pinning this so I’ll have them for later!
Jill
Can you please share the title of the boys book you purchased (similar to Beautiful Girlhood)?
Jacqueline
I do have a post on books for boys, but it is only the first part…so much more to follow, but they get too long 🙂 Here is the link: https://deeprootsathome.com/character-building-book-resources-for-raising-boys-part-1/
Please pray a prayer covering over me as I work on these posts. the enemy hates them. <3
Bethann Kramer
I will pray as you write. This one came out just perfectly. I heard the gentleness come through.
Jacqueline
Oh, I am so thankful for that, Bethann. All thanksgiving to the Father, out of Whom all blessings flow!
May He richly bless you and gird you and all your family up daily for the battle. Let’s put on the armor of God together, sister! Eph. 6
Sarah
Thank you so much for addressing this important topic. My daughter is 10 and my husband and I have been training her the importance of modesty on a daily basis. It warms my heart to hear her say things about skirt lengths or v-necks on tops not being modest and making appropriate choices now that she is older. It saddens me to see little girls growing up way too fast. I especially appreciated your point regarding what we let our daughters watch or be exposed to. It is so very true how that affects them!
Jackie B.
Thank you so much for allowing the Lord to speak through your message. I would love to receive your posts, but could not locate where to subscribe via email. Am I searching in the right place? Thanks for your help!
Jacqueline
Jackie,
The ‘Subscribe’ button is on the right in the sidebar about 5″ below my photo and under my testimony button. I’d love to have you join me 🙂
Deborah
I would love to receive notifications from you…God Bless you in your ministry..
Jacqueline
Deborah, I personally cannot add you since I cannot add your email. You can become subscribed you can here: https://deeprootsathome.com/connect Just to be clear, it syas “Vaccine ebook”, but just adding your email, will make you subscribed! I hope that helps, Deborah! ~J
SH
Sadly, some moms will read this and refuse to see the truth in it because they dont want to change the way they see/do things. My heart goes out to all the little girls being brought up now in this society. It makes me sick to see little girls in tiny little bikinis and wearing skimpy outfits and the moms think theyre ok because theyre “cute” and thats theres “nothing wrong with them bc theyre just little girls”. Adult women shouldnt even be wearing what I see some small girls in. thank you so much for this post and I truely hope it wakes some people up and that they dont just think its extreme or too old fashioned.
Rebeca Jones
This is beautifully worded. I have been wrestling with the subject of beauty lately. My daughters (so far) have a much healthier view of themselves and their beauty than I do. I see quite painfully how messed up my vision on this is, and I am 42! I look around and see how much worse it is for young girls today, and I want to weep thinking of the skewed thinking and baggage they will carry as a result. May the Lord grant us clarity, yes? Bless you for the courage to address this sometimes touchy topic. Well done.
Jacqueline
Rebeca,
I am praying for you now (and for all of us) as we must live ‘in’ the world. Ask the Lord for wisdom, dear Mama. He will NOT fail you when you ask in sincerity of heart <3 May God bless you with joy and peace as you work it out practically.
Anastasia @ eco-babyz
Wonderfully written and I wholeheartedly agree! This is one of the reasons we homeschool, I am appalled when I see elementary school girls in our town wearing things that you would see on a street corner, scantily clad, it’s shocking to me and I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that is fine. I’m glad that for now, homeschooling is an option and we can instill family values and a positive, humble self-image in our kids. Even then, it’s still a challenge as we don’t live in a bubble!
Kmama
We’ve put our girls in places to resemble women, long before their time: Young girls with “hip” clothes, hair “styles or cuts and colored, along make-up, social media accounts and cell phones. Girls are accosted on every side from even the “church boys.” You’ve spoken well. Let children be children – let them stay young. We held our ground with make-up, and social media. It’d be so easy to back down but love them MORE than peer pressure. Keep the TV nasties off, protect their souls, their eyes, their virtue. Mamas and Daddies – you cannot take back virtue lost. GUARD our daughters and sons.
Sonya
Amen!
Susan
I have two girls.The oldest is eight and I just don’t know how to approach letting her be in the world but not be of the world or “unstinted” by the world. It’s such a delicate balance ecspecially when they are in public schools and so exposed to secular thinking.
Thankful for God's Grace
Have you considered home education? We are commanded in the Scriptures to train up our children (gifts from God) in the way they should go because He desires godly offspring. You said that they are being influenced by secular thinking…I would encourage you to think about if that is the way you want them trained? Praying for you as you search the Scriptures!
Johnny
It’s you over protective people that give home education a bad rep. With you’re children not even showing ankles. Do you ever go to the beach? Seriously people, get your life together and cut this nonsense, this is the world we live in. Get used to it, and stop limiting your children
Joy
I completely agree, so many of my friends/relatives with young girls will post pictures of them on Facebook and I am sure my jaw literally drops. I am so thankful my daughter (11) is more interested in sports and her pets and has no interest in looking grown up before it is time!
mandy
God asks us to speak the truth in love, and that is just what you di! Never fear what others will think, I believe soemtimes moms never even think about these things like this until something like this post provokes them to a deeper reflection. Well done!
Chrissy
I think this was very well stated and these thoughts really can’t be stated too often these days. I wouldn’t be too concerned about anyone being offended. I have some serious concerns over the dance/gymnastics/cheerleading activities. I have seen so many pictures posted by friends who I know are people who basically are trying to do what is right and yet they don’t seem to notice how the cheerleading costumes are too revealing or the dance moves are too suggestive. These same mothers often are Christians who are trying to teach good values and the sexy dance routines and grown up outfits sometimes don’t lead to negative behavior outside of the activities. I think these are the ones who are offended because the daughters are often not involved in sexual activities or drugs or other serious issues. But just because you have managed to teach and guide them in those areas doesn’t mean the immodest dress and suggestive dance moves are ok. These are the moms who really need to ask themselves if the daughters’ activities really reflect who they want them to be. There is so much desire for children to stand out, outshine others, and get attention. There is so much desire among young people and often their parents too to be famous, when fame often comes with great temptations and often tragic consequences. I think parents really need to decide if they want to focus on wholesome regular family life or a quest to “show off” how they are “better” (by shallow and materialistic societal standards) than the other girls who aren’t in these activities, because that’s what it basically comes down to. If you are a Christian, you should be reflecting that all the time in everything you choose to do.
Allison
While I agree that competitive cheer and dance are regularly dancing and dressing inappropriately, it is not always the case. My oldest was in competitive cheer for 2 years was coached by me. The girls looked like girls. Absolutely no bare midriffs, no heavy make-up (other than some fun glitter), and zero suggestive dance moves. Competitive gymnastics takes up too much time now to allow for cheer anymore. The part I love about gymnastics is that she doesn’t have time for much else other than school and family. Gymnasts are so far from provocative in what they do. It isn’t allowed. She is learning incredible discipline, focus, and determination. We see this as incredible life skills. We aren’t looking for fame, but we also shouldn’t prevent it from happening should God place us there. My husband is a retired NFL player. He was part of a team with a large group of God-fearing family men lead by strong Christian coaches. My husband used the position he was placed to reach out to disadvantaged kids, go on mission trip with FCA to Africa to spread the gospel, etc.
I truly believe she can participate in gymnastics without it teaching her to be provocative. She wears leotards (full piece not 2 piece) in the gym, but she only wears them at the gym. We have taught her that leos are for gymnastics, but it’s not something we wear once we leave the gym. Our children are protected from media, do not listen to secular music and dress conservatively. But, our girls are gymnasts and our son is very into sports (naturally, it’s not forced). Children can participate in activities without them becoming worldly. Our girls dress like little girls and confidently share their faith with their classmates & teammates.
Jacqueline
Allison,
Praise God for your personal involvement! And thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂
Cindy in GA
I agree wholeheartedly with nearly all of the blog post and with the above comment. Competitive gymnastics has absolutely nothing to do with dressing provocatively or looking sexy in any way, and to compare it to these other activities shows a complete lack of knowledge about the sport. These girls spend many hours per week in the gym practicing with no one there to see except coaches. Meets are only a few times/year with generally only parents & families there to watch. Parents who allow their daughters to participate in gymnastics are not necessarily trying to raise the next Mary Lou Retton, by any means.
Jacqueline
Cindy, I am not judging, sweet sister! The Lord is the one to guide and lead us and His ways are not our ways…We/i can’t put Him into a box to say He would never lead anyone to do competitive gymn. May you be blessed and feel His love as you follow His will for your family.
Nabila Grace
A beautiful post – truly woven in grace and presented in love. Sometimes the hardest things to write are the words most needed to be heard. I so understand and ache over this topic. I have a number of reasons why it’s very close to my heart. I might need to email you a few questions. 🙂 Again – thank you for standing firm in the light of impression and stepping in faith to share the words that God wanted you to share. 🙂
Lisa
We’re currently reading through Beautiful Girlhood — it is a must read for moms and daughters: I’d say ages 10 – 14 or so, although older girls will get much from this fount of wisdom as well. Leslie Ludy’s books are wonderful as well. We read aloud, selectively editing as needed, from If I Perish — what a woman Miss Ahn proved herself to be! Thank you for having the courage to publish this post, Jacqueline. With a 12 year old daughter, my youngest, just coming of age so to say, I’m acutely aware of the need to guide her in the ways of Biblical femininity. A 12 year old girl should be able to be a girl still, should she not? There is such a push to grow them up; I am thankful my sweet girl is not in a hurry. 🙂
Blessings! ~Lisa
Jacqueline
I thank the Lord for Mamas like you, Lisa! I also forgot to mention a book by Lamplighter entitled ‘A Peep Behind the Scenes’!!
Charlotte Moore
AMEN!!! Wonderful words of wisdom and love.
Yes, I am sure satan did not want you to write them. Thank you for obeying the LORD!!!
BLESSINGS!!!
Jacqueline
Thank you for your consistent encouragement, Charlotte! Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world! <3
Mindy at Grateful for Grace
Great article! It is so heartbreaking.
Randy Alcorn is one of my favorite teachers. 🙂
Tonya
Good article and much needed. I have a 4 year old and I already teach her to dress modestly. She always wears dresses with leggins. And I dress modestly too. It is so hard to be in this world and keep her sheltered from all the sexuality. She goes to ballet and they dress skimpy these little 4 year olds. One thing I found key is the people in your family and influence. My mother would put these ideas into my daughter’s head against what I believe, things that most people would find harmless, like you can be anything you want when you grow up or you don’t have to get married and you can go to college. I told my mother if you are not for me, you are against me and if you don’t support my beliefs then you are a divider and causing division in my family and I can not allow this. I want to teach my daughter to want to be a mother and wife and want to have kids.
Jacqueline
Tonya, I agree it is divisive. I will pray that your mother becomes supportive of your efforts and that she builds you up instead of her own opinion…but don’t take a stand against her (talk badly about her) with you daughter. Just ask your daughter to join you in prayer that she would love the Lord SO much that she wants to do His will and not the world’s way. Extend grace, but keep in the Word with your little girl. Pray she accepts Jesus and then she will have the Spirit to give her DISCERNMENT and TRUTH to see the right way if something ever happened to you. Model joy and discernment your self 🙂
Stephanie
Wait… sorry, but what is wrong with women going to college or being told they can be anything they want to be? Why would anyone discourage that sort of thing or say it’s not Godly?!?
SueS
Stephanie,
It takes a bit to answer your question. It takes knowing where you’re coming from culturally, and where Tonya is coming from too. Here’s a short answer, none of us can be whatever we want to be. My colorblind son cannot be a commercial driver. My nearsighted son cannot fly in the Air Force. We are all limited by biology, by resources, by a thousand things God puts in our lives to guide us into becoming what He intended. Isn’t it better to train both young men and young women to serve Him faithfully in whatever is in front of them, that to train them to “seek to become whatever they want to be”? College isn’t out of the question, but the reason for college (or anything else, including motherhood) needs to examined in light of service to Christ, not self. (Yes, I am aware that there are obstacles that must, and should be overcome, but not in pursuing “what I want”.)
Anything further would distract from this carefully written post. (So sorry for taking this rabbit trail)
Jacqueline
Thank you, Sue.
I appreciate your thoughtful answer 🙂 Blessings to you and Stephanie.
ChristyH
I grew up thinking my value lay in my looks and how attractive I was to men. Thank goodness the Lord has saved me from that. I am so thankful to the Lord that we have been able to homeschool. Our daughter, while she is beautiful, is free to be herself. She does dress modestly, although not in skirts and now a young man has expressed interest in her because of her sunny disposition, not for her eye catching clothes. Modesty allows young women to be liked and enjoyed for themselves and not for their sex appeal. This is a great article.
Lisa
it is perfectly ok to judge. we must judge. otherwise how do we influence good changes in people? it will take sincere talking, not just being a good example. so yes, by all means, don’t apologize about judging!
Rachel
I think it’s just a matter of wording. If by judging you mean “making a judgement call” on how things will go for your and yours, then yes that’s fine. But if by judging, you make a person sound less than they are, then that’s a problem. Saying your family won’t do something because this is what God wishes or has led you to is fine. Telling someone “you are terrible and you should feel awful about it and yourself” because of their choices, well that’s not okay.
Kat
This article hits very close to home as we have three girls (and are not done having kids) who we want to be as innocent as possible, for as long as possible. I can clearly remember being a young girl and wanting the affection and attention from anywhere and anyone who would show it, I also had a father that was emotionally, mentally, and physically (physically, as in showing affection) unavailable. Seeing how wonderful my husband is with our daughters, I cant help but think that my own fathers lack of involvement led me to seek attention, (negative, sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, or otherwise) from the boys/men around me. I dressed just to get noticed, I flirted with anything that moved but deep inside I was depressed and really just wanting someone to love me. I loved your article and I feel that raising our children in a loving, caring, hugging, laughing, GODLY environment is one of the keys to giving our girls and boys, an innocent childhood. We have to stop exposing them to shows, clothes, and attitudes mainstream society “thinks” is right for us and start spending more time with our children exploring the world God created for us. I wish someone had read the Bible to me or made an effort to really explain who God was/is, I think my childhood would have been totally different. Currently we read the Bible with our daughters and my oldest (7) almost knows more than me, I love all the questions she has and all the “conclusions” she comes up with!! Have a blessed day and again, thank you for this wonderful blog post as this is an issue that’s very close to my heart.
Karen
Kat, I can very much relate to what you wrote about your childhood and I love your answer! We need to replace all of this focus (idolatry of self, beauty…etc.) with seeing Jesus for who He is and to enjoy what He has created. The way to protect them is giving them Jesus. Thanks for sharing!
Kasey
I not only read the post, but I always looked through the comments. I am so glad the Lord kept prompting you to complete this. What a desperately needed message in a world that is seeking to destroy our little girls! Thanks so much!
danielle humbert
AMEN!!! Wonderful article!! It is so sad to look at those pictures of sweet little girls looking like grown up women!
KyLee
You made some valid points and thank you for sharing books that instill Godly views and morals for young ladies. I am afraid with TV shows teaching children that being in a relationship at a young age is popular we need to begin teaching our children, boys and girls, at a young age about God’s design for romance instead of letting the word influence them. One book you might add to your list is Secret Keeper by Dannah Gresh.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/secret-keeper-dannah-gresh/1100395022
Thankful for God's Grace
Another one by the same author is Six ways to keep the “little” in your girl.
KyLee
Thank you, I will look into that 🙂
Ronda @ Following Our Leader
Jacqueline ~ thank you so much for sharing your heart on this very disturbing subject. It is terribly sad to see so many young girls dressing, looking and acting in a manner that does not fit their age. The physical, mental, and emotional damage this will bring about is devastating. But, the thing that is most disturbing is the effect it will have on them spiritually. The things that God says are precious, the world proclaims as throw-away and insignificant. I am so glad you spoke up on this subject – may God use it in a mighty way. (I have done the Beautiful Girlhood with my daughter – it was (is) a blessing to both of us.) Blessings to you, dear sister!
Kim
Thank you for this excellent post! I am an older mom, my daughter, Rebecca is 12. We have homeschooled from the crib, she & her brother. Leslie Ludy’s books were ‘eye-opening’ to me! Rebecca & I have for years held each other accountable in our dress. We are quick to help one another check our hearts & clothing choices. She knows her body is special & she is precious in Gods sight.
You have spoken the truth & may God bless you for it!!
Becky R
Amen! Thank you for sharing the reading materials as well. My daughter is 7 and I can already see the style of clothes changing for her as we shop and she is getting interested in caring for her appearance and hygiene. It is so hard to be in the world and not of the world. She is very open to my leading and teaching now, but i want that desire of modesty to be her own. We must stand guard for our girls against the enemy! It starts out innocent and can be one so destructive. Thank you for sharing <3
Deanna
As the mother of four daughters (and two sons) ages 21-10 I have seen this progression for many years now. Much of the time I can find very nice, appropriate clothing for them when they are 0-7. After that it becomes a challenge! Even girls 8-10 are faced with short skirts and cocktail dresses.
Our focus with our girls is a heart of modesty and a desire to glorify God in all their choices. Each of our daughters has a different style of clothing they like – one likes long skirts, one likes them not as long. There is room for uniqueness and personal style without compromising modesty. Praise God!
I always tell parents of little girls, don’t let them wear something in their childhood that you won’t want them to wear in their teen years! Consistency is the key. Walking along together, talking about all these issues from toddlerhood has lead to beautiful modest daughters in their teens and early twenties. Not from rules but because they desire to please the Lord.
Meagan @ Growing Up Herbal
Thanks for sharing this Jacqueline! I don’t have daughters, but maybe one day God will bless me with a couple. This is something I definitely want to keep in mind when it comes to raising them. I want them to view themselves as more than “eye-candy”, and I want them to think there’s more in life than just being pretty.
Right now, I have 3 small boys, and I’m trying to figure out how to raise them to not want a girl like this when they get older. My… even now! I don’t really want them looking and noticing girls like this at their current age! If sexuality is creeping in on young girls, it’s certainly creeping in on young boys too. Since boys are so visual… I feel like I need to start now training mine to recognize what’s right and wrong. I want to teach them the value of women and to look for good, wholesome, modest young ladies. Oy! Anyway, this has given me, as a mother of boys, a lot to think about in the way of what to train my boys as being acceptable in young girls. Thanks!
Danielle
My four-year-old daughter was peering over my shoulder as I read this post. “Mama, why is that lady naked?” (referring to the 12-ish-year-old in the picture) I told her that was a little girl. Her eyes widened–“Ohh…she doesn’t look like a little girl!”
It can be such a challenge to raise little girls in this culture. But my theory is that if we mold their thought processes, and world view from the time they are but babes, they will naturally see things through the lens of Scripture. I have three girls nine and under. Believe me–the questions get tough!! But I am more determined than ever to “go against the flow” and raise them to be godly girls. How I pray for God to protect their innocence!!
Shasta Stagner
Thank you so, so much for writing this! In our small town, a gymnastics/cheer/dance center opened up about a year ago. All of our homeschool group was invited there at the beginning of this school year for a ‘kick-off party’. There are pictures on the walls of kids who participate in activities there, and also ‘uniforms’ hanging up that people can buy. They resemble the pictures that you put into this article. While I was there, other moms kept talking about how the owners are such great Christians, believe in modesty, stand so firmly for their beliefs, etc. A few weeks later, after seeing little girls dressed and made-up so heavily for their cheer and dance competitions (including several of the homeschool daughters), and seeing a couple of the videos that were taken at some of these competitions, I was at another homeschool meeting and just had to open my big mouth. I was informed that the costumes and dance routines that that particular company does are ‘so very modest’ in comparison with all the others, and that the girls don’t wear those costumes out and about, so it doesn’t hurt anything. Also, you really HAVE to stay on the ‘cutting edge’ to have ANY chance at getting the attention of the judges. It literally hurt me to see how deceived so many of these people are. So it’s fine for your daughter to dress and make-up and move her body around like a __________ (you can fill in the blank) in front of these judges and other contestants…….this won’t carry over into other parts of their lives?!? I have 2 daughters, ages 21 and 16, and 3 sons, ages 13, 11, & 7. My daughters and I don’t wear skirts or dresses often; we prefer blue jeans. But we do still dress modestly, even in the privacy of our own home. My sons also value modesty. I am so thankful that God has provided us with the opportunity to homeschool and raise our children the way we have.
Brenda Owens
It also seems the trend in movies and television shows to “toughen up” female characters, having them engage in fist fights, throwing the first punch, etc., even with men. It’s like media is trying to convince us that girls/women don’t need to be protected anymore. I’m all for a girl being able to defend herself against attackers, but where is the teaching and example for young men to make sure those attackers don’t ever have access to her?
This was a great article and I appreciate you addressing these concerns. I have five daughters and it has been a daily battle to guard them against the femininity modern culture says that should aspire to.
Marci Krull
Amen, Amen, Amen. Written so beautifully. I want a man to long for my daughters love of God, character, morals and values, not her figure or what she wears. Thank you for writing this post. The whole world needs to read it.
Pat Forsythe
I remember our vacation to Mount Rushmore a few years ago, my husband and I were sitting in the hotel dining room for breakfast when a young family walked in with their children. Their young daughter, a skinny little girl, probably around 10 or 11 years old had on short pink knit shorts, riding low on her hips, with a crop top blouse and her middle bare. Across the rear end of those shorts was the word “Juicy.”
We were totally amazed. What was this mother (or worst, the father) thinking? What was the message that this child was giving the world, or worst all of the young men in the room? I fear it was the wrong message.
karen natiw
Thank you for speaking so boldly and truthfully!
Jess
You did a great job with your words here…very well-written…and sadly, very true.
Thank you,
Jess
Kathryn
The number one thing we do in our house to prevent growing up too quickly is to turn off the TV and spend time outside in nature. We own one TV (in the basement) and we don’t have cable. Besides, between school, work, dinner, laundry and family time we don’t have time for TV! I wish people would understand how much happier and refreshing life is without it.
Jacqueline
Amen to that!!! My heart exactly! Just keep an eye on that ‘out of the way’ TV when one is left home alone for some reason…satan would love to trip you up 🙁
Kathryn
We use that TV so little, I’ve thought about getting rid of it. When the kids are older, we just might! And even without cable, I am shocked at the absolute garbage that comes on before 9pm. TV has created many hardened hearts that are numb to violence and exploitation but the saddest part is the loss of real living relationships. Cell phones and tablets add to the problem. I’m very concerned about how to handle cell phone use with my children when the time comes.
Colleen
I can’t imagine anyone disagreeing with your position…in earlier times, women were encouraged to cover themselves from neck to toe (don’t even show ankles) and they were chaperoned everywhere. When we send them alone and naked, we don’t love them!
Jacqueline
Colleen, is that the correlation in the rise in abductions, rapes, and murders of girls/women? I think *someone* wanted me to be fearful to write my heart…
Dallas Barnard
Are you serious? The way Girls and women dress is not to blame for rape and assault and is an archaic way of thinking. Victim blaming is wrong. Maybe teaching boys to respect women no matter how they present would be more helpful. Shaming females also ruins their self esteem.
Jeff
As a father of a daughter and son and two grand daughters, I couldn’t agree more with everything that has been said. I have had young women in my office for counseling or just meetings whose dresses expose so much that I have to look at other areas of the room so I am not exposed to their nakedness. I am blessed that my daughter was always very modest and cared about my opinion. I would like to believe that was because of the way her mother and I raised her, but I give more credit to God in that. I only hope and pray she will raise her girls with these values in mind. Thanks for speaking truth in a world of lies. BTW, the feminist group would be enraged to think that part of the problem with rape and abduction has to do with dress, or lack of it. But I believe it is a definite factor in these crimes, at least some of the time.
Heather @ fearfultofearlessblog.com
Oh how true (and sad) this is. I saw it so many times while teaching middle school. Sixth grade girls wearing low-cut tops and tons of make-up, eighth grade girls trying to get away with the shortest skirts they could under dress-code regulations. I once had a girl ask me, “Why do you wear such long skirts?” Keep in mind that my skirt was maybe two inches past my knees. I looked at her and said, “Because I have that much respect for myself!”
Toni
I couldn’t agree more!! Yes, we must protect our girls. When our youngest wanted to join the Brownie Scouts we thought to be fair we’d let her try it out for one year, and I was at every meeting. (This was years ago before all the liberalism was known in that group.) We made it through till the were sold cookies, and being the naive one that I am, I thought the proceeds would be used for community services, but no, they were spent on pizza parties and MAKE-UP SHOPPING SPREES!! When I heard that was going to happen our daughter never went back. I know that might sound petty to some, but I don’t like that kind of mentality. Our daughter was only about 8 years old at the time and didn’t even want to go on those trips. Thank the Lord!
Pam
We are in Girl Scouts, and I am a troop co-leader. We work really hard to keep our girls grounded and teach them good values (respect, charity, compassion, integrity, etc.). I am sorry you were so disappointed over the choices made on how to spend the money. It is a troop-by-troop decision on how to spend cookie proceeds. Our troop does some field trips, but we keep them enrichment based and use them to earn badges… the zoo, a cooking class, make your own pottery, tour an animal shelter, etc. Quite honestly, most of our cookie proceeds are used for basic troop expenses (badges, meeting supplies, snacks), we splurge once a year on a camping trip, and really do spend money on community service projects (supply drives for the USO, Christmas cards for nursing home residents). I guess we’re pretty “modest” in comparison to the norm?
On a side note, I COMPLETELY agree on the girls clothing!! My 9 year old daughter is a tomboy and it is really difficult to find “just plain blue jeans” without the bling-bling or low ride! Thank goodness for online shopping, because we have horrible luck at stores finding not only appropriate stuff, but things she actually likes.
Jennifer W
What a wonderful, love filled article. I have a 2 year old daughter & I just pray that I can instill in her the desire to be modest & God-fearing. I was raised to dress modestly & while there were times that I “resented” that as a teen, I appreciate it so much more now. I am no “stick-in-the-mud” by any stretch & believe in my heart of hearts that modesty is as much a matter of the heart as it is what we put on the outside, but we are being bombarded on every side by the rampant immodesty of our culture & sadly, it has leaked into our churches as well. While I never want to discourage my daughter from following her dreams — whether that means going to college, having a career, being a mom (or ALL of these things) — I want her to know just how important it is to guard her heart by being modest (inside AND out) even when it isn’t popular.
Holly
We had a ladies retreat at a hotel one time and the same thing … cheer competition … now to be fair some of the young ladies looked adorable and had on much more modest outfits — one had had cutout shoulders like the picture of the two girls you posted but otherwise was your basic cheer outfit with a full bodice, long sleeves and a full kick pleated skirt. Purple and black with silver straps and white kick pleats. SOOOO cute and she looked like a cheerleader! But the girls in our hotel — holy schmoly they had on the outfits you have pictured – black lycra “skirts” (if they’re gonna be that short just wear shorts for goodness sakes!), flame colored tops with bare midriffs — a lot of us ladies were joking about ummm you got the fabric in the wrong spot, need short sleeves and cover your tummies! Black sparkly eyeshadow, heavy makeup. And not just Mom’s but Dad’s helping them put stuff on,etc. Which it was cool to see the Dad’s being involved but what message were they sending?!
Now my daughter is a college cheerleader, they are not allowed to wear makeup anything close to what these girls had on, in fact no sparkle now they have a new coach because it can get in your eyes and that’s all you need is to have a base girl get something in her eye and drop a basket catch! and their skirts are not that short! The stretching part, I get, you have to stretch and not hurt yourself but they are there to CHEER not entice the crowd.
Mary Ann Shepard
This is such a great post! My oldest daughter is 10 and has the hardest time understanding why her dad and I get frustrated when she tries to wear clothes to short/tight etc. I think another great book to add to the list you mentioned is the following, “What Guys See That Girls Don’t … Or Do They?” by Sharon Daugherty. It is a very good book about modesty.
https://www.victory.com/store/what-guys-see-that-girls-dont
Jane
YES!!!! and YES again…..We must encourage the mothers and fathers in this subject of modesty, and we must, as a part of this I think, encourage the mothers to let the father to head up the household and the fathers to take his place of spiritual leader in the household. Fathers, also, have a lot to do with the encouragement of modesty in the home, and they have an entirely different view of sexuality that a female can benefit from understanding. And I appreciate the remarks from your readers about how they are lovingly handling this subject. Keep on talking on the hard subjects!!!!!!!
Melissa
Great article! I have a question. Where does Barbie fit into it all? I was raised without Barbie, and am very thankful for it now, although I didn’t fully understand it then. Now my daughters beg for Barbie dolls, and I am bitterly opposed, but am the only woman (besides my mom) I know who feels this way, and it’s exhausting fighting not only my daughters over the issue, but also their friends (how come so and so can have them, and they’re Christians?), and my in-laws (there’s nothing wrong with it and you’re depriving them of a complete childhood). My husband is on the fence about the issue, just rolls his eyes a little and backs me up when he has to, but it’s unconvincing. So, what are your thoughts?
Thankful for God's Grace
I grew up with Barbie and honestly, I believe they were my first experiments with sexuality (undressing them-changing them, making them kiss Ken, etc). I also believe that they helped pave the way for me to experiment with boys at a very young age. There are so many things I regret about my childhood and scars that The Lord has had to heal because we girls are so unprotected. I was thinking of this recently: Girls are unprotected at school, sports, work…meaning they don’t have one person that is especially looking out for them…their parents don’t even get to see them most days if they are involved with all of that along with homework. It makes me so sad because most people think that it is normal! And that we are abnormal to want our daughters with us all day, teaching them to love God and love others by being modest with their clothes and attitudes. Praise God for more and more families who see the need to protect our daughters and as a result, protect our sons!!
Heather @ fearfultofearlessblog.com
I don’t know that I think that’s about having a Barbie Doll, though. I grew up with Barbies and I’ve only had two serious relationships in my entire life and saved myself for marriage. I didn’t make Barbie kiss Ken, or anything like that. I liked to change their clothes and play with their hair. I figure if putting clothes on a baby doll is okay, then putting clothes on a Barbie is okay. I think what it boils down to is exposing kids to the ideas of love and kissing in a casual manner early on. If it’s normal for them to think that Barbie kissing a random boy doll is okay, then yes, that could play into their future views and actions, but at the same time, if in their minds, Barbie and Ken are husband and wife, it would be normal for them to kiss. My husband and I kiss in front of our children, hold hands in front of them, cuddle in front of them, etc. I want them to know that all of those things are part of a healthy marriage.
Thankful for God's Grace
I believe that Barbie was a tool that was used to play out what I was learning from our sexualized culture-from movies to billboards to others on the school bus to the bikinis at the beach. Plus the fact that Barbies allow you to play with a physically impossible Grown Up body as a young girl. Then there are the boys in the family that are seeing “the naked women lying on the floor” as Melissa below said! The book Six Ways to Keep the “Little” in Your Girl has a great explanation of the dangers associated with playing with scantily clad grown up dolls. Playing Mama to a baby doll is vastly different and great training for our daughters future. 😀 For these reasons and more, we do not allow Barbie or other grown up type dolls in the house in an attempt to protect the innocence of our girls AND boys.
Dbax
Yay! I am not the only mom out there who doesn’t let Barbies in the house. I never would have thought I would have said no to Barbie but after hearing many CD from vision forum on parenting they brought up a point about how we want our girls to grow up to want to be wives and moms but then put toys/books/dvds etc in front of them that teach otherwise. One example given was Barbie who comes in every possible occupation and her materialistic attitude. I had never thought of this before and what they said was eye opening and made sense. So our girl plays with dolls/babies but no Barbies. We explained as best as we could why we don’t allow Barbie. When she was 3 yrs old(she’s almost 6 yrs old now) the thing that stuck most was Barbies lack of attire.
Rachel R.
For what it’s worth, my three daughters have had Barbies since my oldest was about 3 (I didn’t buy them; they were given as gifts, but I didn’t have a big enough issue with them to refuse them) and I don’t see any evidence that they’ve been an issue for my girls at all.
I probably wouldn’t bother to go out of my to obtain them, but I think the comment about using them to play out the messages they’re already receiving was right on target. My girls enjoy the creativity of fashioning outfits for them (whether out of their actual clothes or out of scraps of fabric and such that they wrap and drape to create clothing), and they’re extremely attuned to what is or isn’t modest. (We don’t have a large selection of storebought “Barbie clothes” – what they have is not skimpy.) I would say they’ve used their Barbies as a tool to express their creativity and practice making outfits modest.
And they know their Barbies aren’t necessarily lifelike representations, just like their baby dolls aren’t all anatomically correct and some of their stuffed animals are unrealistic colors. I don’t think it has ever crossed any of their minds that they “should” look like Barbie. They don’t look like each other. For that matter, the different Barbies don’t look like each other. So why should they look like Barbie?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not suggesting that every girl needs to have Barbie dolls! I’m just saying they don’t have to be an inherently evil thing.
(For that matter, I know a few people who do pageants with their young ones to good purpose. They do the “natural” ones – no makeup, false eyelashes, etc. – just dressy dresses. And find that, rather than emphasizing their daughters’ appearance, it helps them develop poise, grace, and confidence under pressure.)
Jacqueline
I am glad there are some that are more edifying…maybe more of a ‘finishing school’ or etiquette class like were around when I was a girl?
Melissa
Just tonight my oldest daughter (8 years old) asked, Mom, why do you always say we have to be modest? Perfect timing, since earlier today a young neighbor boy looked at her and said, You’re hot! So while his comment made me angry (on so many levels), her modesty question was a great segue to discuss the inappropriateness of a 10 year old boy telling an 8 year old girl she was hot, and how our bodies need to be covered and saved for our husbands.
I agree that Barbies throw far too much sexuality into a girl’s life at far too early an age. Besides the fact that I despise finding naked women lying on the floor…because Barbie just never seems to be able to keep her clothes on!
Jacqueline
Melissa, Saying a prayer for that conversation with your little one! I know the Lord will give you the words! Blessings!
Jennifer Lambert
yes yes yes. Amen! Why has our culture moved toward this lack of protection and even ridicule of us who do desire our daughters to remain innocent as long as possible. Once Ophelia is lost, there’s no finding her again. There are ways to protect her without placing her in a tower. Thank you for this educational post and the lists of resources. Never apologize! This needs to be out there.
Sara
Great post Jacqueline. I wish every parent would read CHRISTAN MODESTY and
the PUBLIC UNDRESSING OF AMERICA by Jeff Pollard, an excellent book.
Caroline L
I read Evidence Not Seen as a college student over 20 years ago. A life changing, inspiring story. It is required reading in our home every 4 years as we cover the 20th century. Thanks for a thoughtful post!
Holly
Thank you for sharing this! As a mother, one of our ministries is training up our children to love our Lord. It is challenging and rewarding! If we as parents stay focused on the Lord and pray fervently for our children, God will fulfill His promises.
Nancy
Thank you so much for this article. I have a 6 year old daughter and I am trying to wrap my head around how I should pray and lead regarding her character. Thank you for this reminder. I cannot post this to my facebook as I know many of my Christian friends would be very upset but I did Pin It to my Train to be Godly board. What in the world has happened to mothers? Why do we put our children on so many worthless altars?
Amy Wagner
I understand and agree with your message wholeheartedly. But think of other eras of history where women were sold or bartered for marriage (and this still happens in many parts of the world) at age 13, or they are sold to sex traffickers or prostitution. The numbers in these areas are staggering. Aren’t those girls far less protected than the sheltered west? I fully agree girls should have their innocence preserved, but maybe this is a “first world problem” wringing our hands over skimpy cheerleading outfits when the rest of the world has far worse issues with protection of girls innocence. Not minimizing the very real issues presented here, but perhaps a little perspective is needed. Thank you and God bless.
Jo
Perhaps this is the beginning of HOW those cultures got to that place…disregarding their children’s innocence.
Heather @ fearfultofearlessblog.com
I don’t think it is a ‘first world problem’. I think it’s a ‘whole world problem’. If more people focused on preserving the innocence of young girls (here and around the world), then perhaps there wouldn’t be so many young girls sold into sexual slavery.
Misty
I think of it this way. If you used the world as a standard to compare yourself to, you would look pretty innocent and heaven worthy, right? But we as Christians can’t do that, God told us what His standards are and they are not the same as the world’s. So in a secular way, it might seem like not big deal compared to other cultures to have your kid parade around in skimpy outfits and be sexualized at very early ages. But God is not judging us by the world’s standard, so we should not allow our kids to reflect those standards. Yes, through His grace and the blood of His son, we are saved, but it is our job to preserve our children’s innocence until God can do His work in their hearts. You might disagree, but you would be disagreeing with the bible and that’s never a good idea.
Titus 2:3-5
3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
A Little R & R
THANK YOU for posting this! It is something I have felt disturbed by for quite some time. We used to get the show Toddlers and Tiaras – and it deeply disturbed me how this little girls would dress and dance so sensuously – before they even knew what those kinds of moves meant. Apparently there is a companion show called Dance Moms that is even worse. Sadly, this only sets the stage for issues with personal image – as if it’s not enough of a problem already when a girl hits puberty. Our society is so preoccupied with image and sex, and it’s sad that our children have no opportunity to be innocent and pure….and be CHILDREN. It’s a travesty. And we are only a few years away from reaping the dire consequences of sexualizing our children. If we think that teen s*x and STDs – not to mention eating disorders – among adolescents is a problem now – just wait because it’s only got to grow exponentially worse when these poor young girls hit Jr High and High School.
Jefferson A Sweet
As a father to a 10 year old girl, I can appreciate the sincerity and burden in this article. I too am very concerned about the effect that the world has on our children (and us too.) As a minister, I also see the results of other parents choices for their children, and whether to bring them up in the care and admonition of the Lord.
Thanks for sharing, and I will definitely be looking into some of those resources.
Phyllis Sather
Well said and very needed. I see parents dressing their little girls like this, then wondering why their teens are wearing even less clothing and lack morals and modesty.
Thank you for being brave enough to take a stand on this issue.
Denise
I totally agree that we need to focus on God’s plan for our children, and it does not include overwhelming their minds, souls, and hearts with things that they are not yet mentally, emotionally, or spiritually mature enough to handle.
That being said..I have a question that actually could be more of a caveat to your point: WHY is it that 99% of the responsibility for purity outside of marriage is placed squarely and ONLY on the shoulders of the GIRLS? Why is it that we do not prepare our SONS to be leaders in this way, to set Godly boundaries? If men are to be leaders in families, churches, and communities, then we need to TEACH them to be the type of leaders they need to become, and not dump most or all of the responsibility on the girls’ shoulders along with the guilt and shame if anything goes wrong. Girls still are not valued the same way boys are, particularly in the church. It is shameful and something I believe is grieving God’s heart.
Jacqueline
Denise,
Your point is well taken! Yes, the boys have huge responsibility and few are being raised to understand what that entails. That was not in the scope of this post, but I have written on that topic. This link should take you to 4 posts that touch on this solely: https://deeprootsathome.com/topics/raising-masculine-boys/
Jedi Master Ivyan
It’s all too true. It hurts to see young girls dressing like women. They’re advertising things without understanding the consequences.
Thank you for this reminder to guard our daughters’ hearts. I have two young girls myself. I want them to be girls for a long time yet.
Dbax
Great article! Loved it. I also like the book “It’s Not That Complicated” By Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkins. It is one of the best books I have seen written about boy girl relationships. The main theme is explaining what “treating the boys as brothers in the Lord” and how that looks like in todays world. It’s a very conservative book that talks a lot about modesty and not growing up too soon.
Maxine
I saw this on Facebook and want to commend you for your courage and insight. This is a needed word for the day in which we find ourselves and I’m going to gladly share it at both our business page and my personal page. Thank you so much for being a voice for many of us.
Suzanne
This was wonderfully written and I appreciate that you did this. My daughter was a cheerleader in a small town high school. One year new uniforms were ordered for competition. When the uniforms came in, the skirts were so short, she was embarassed to wear it! She spoke with her sponsor about the length of the skirt and was told “that is what everybody is wearing”. She was terribly self conscience while wearing it. According to the school dress code, it was unacceptable to be worn at school, but this was ok, because it was a “uniform”. That was her last year of cheerleading, by her own choice. She has always been careful in her wardrobe choices and we are so proud of her. You can be “fashionable” yet modest, this is what needs to be stressed and taught. Thank you again!
Christin Slade
Yes and Amen! Thank you so much for being brave to share your heart for mothers and their daughters. 🙂
Cyndi Gonzalez
I like your blog! My 12 year old daughter and I have frequent discussions about what she wears and the kind of music she/we listen to. She has never been very interested in dressing “to the hilt”, but now that she is 12 she notices more how other girls dress and she thinks about what she is wearing more. Her dad is very conservative about what she wears, and I encourage her to listen to him; after all, dad’s know what it’s like to be a guy. It seems to me that the availability of modest clothing at her age is very small. Good thing I like thrift shops, and to sew!
Lisa S.
Thanks for the book recommendations. I’ve been looking for books to read with my 10 and 12 year old daughters. So far, everything I find is for much older girls. I did like “Before You Meet Prince Charming” by Sarah Mally (I read most of it alone, but read the princess’s story at the beginning of each chapter with the girls) and “The Princess and the Kiss: A Story of God’s Gift of Purity” by Jennie Bishop (geared for younger girls)
Kim Smith
What a wonderful post Jacqueline! Is it possible that the reason so many Moms are willing to dress their precious little girls in immodest dress is because so many Dads are unwilling to be honest to their wives and daughters and tell them how men/young men/and even boys are aroused by their clothing choices? I’ve heard so many women tell young girls how “pretty” they look, when in reality they look sexy. Somehow beautiful femininity has been been replaced by naked sexuality as the standard. My youngest, a 16 yr old son, would be considered a pervert by those same mothers if he were to try to explain the struggle it is for him and every other alive male to avert their eyes and to keep their thought life clean. As parents we have to be honest with our children-especially about the effects of their nakedness on the opposite sex. It seems that this is just another area of life where satan has tried to replace the beauty that God has created with a cheap counterfeit. I am especially troubled by the scantily clad young girls in our church services. It’s very frustrating to me as the Mom of a son, but I well know that most Moms are not willing, or not able, to see the other side of this issue. Thank you Jacqueline for encouraging all of us!
Thankful for God's Grace
Can I recommend a couple of online resources that helped me better understand that our clothing choices affect our brothers-in-Christ http://www.themodestmomblog.com/2011/04/she-wears-skirts-what-guys-think-about/
And a great nine part series about modesty for ladies
https://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/play/the-quiz-1/
I’ve shared these with a few moms and teens in the church and have received positive feedback. Hope they help someone else!
Jacqueline
THANK YOU for the great resources you add here! They ARE excellent ones =D
Bethany
Wonderful article. It is so sad to see little girls pushed to grow up, causing terrible consequences. This is definitely a problem in our society, and unfortunately, it is the parents’ fault, mostly. Even our sons are getting exposed to sexuality early, it’s terrible.
Regina Yancey
I am so thankful that one of my Facebook friends shared this. I have a 6 year old daughter that is very girly and loves to look “pretty.” We are raising her to be conservative and modest in dress, and I’m saddened at the desires I see showing up even at such a young age. This is one of the main things pushing us in our search for a Christian education environment for her.
This blog also gave me courage and determination to stand strong and seek out alternatives for my 5th grade son. His class will begin a “Growing and Changing” course in science next week. At 11 years old, these children will be introduced to various forms of sexuality, including an explanation of oral sex. I contend that this will forever change the way these little boys look at any girl. My son will not be in these classes, and, if I can figure out a way, will not be returning to the school another week. I have worked too hard to keep them pure and their hearts tender toward the things of God, to let Satan (through the public school) get a foothold in the minds of my children.
Thank you for your courage and honesty!
Jacqueline
Regina,
I will be praying for you and your husband as you seek what to do. I will ask for wisdom and understanding for you (as I have for myself every day). Have you considered home-education? We have been so blessed and know many, many families that have done it for reasons of character-building, following Deuteronomy 6, as well as academic reasons. Many are going to it today to avoid public schools, but not with Christian convictions as the primary reason. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement 🙂
Jennifer Smith
Although we are not a religious family, we constantly struggle with “the future” when it comes to our daughter’s modesty in this world. At four years old, she is grounded, loving, sweet, and childish….which is just what we want. However, with kindergarten right around the corner and the neighborhood kids that are clearly on a different path, we agonize over keeping her age-appropriate. I was so happy to read this article and know that I am not alone. Sometimes it feels like I am the weird one for not wanting my little girl to dress and act like an 18 year old when all the other kids around us do. This just proves I need to listen to my heart and my gut rather than the “norm.”
Joenne
Excellent post! I know we cannot change the world, that is the work of God, but we can do the work we are supposed to as Christians, and give the world godly influence, spread the Gospel and let them see Christ in us! However, we can and should protect our children from being influenced by the negative behaviors, and also teach them how to turn away, when they encounter those behaviors. I do not find a speck of legalism in this article, Jacque. I think legalism is when we make as doctrine, our ideas of what modesty and purity should look like. While we need to allow our daughters room to learn it for themselves, we as mothers, must also teach what is good and pure and right. I believe that older daughters turn away from our teachings, either when we have been legalistic in them (ie not showing God’s love for our daughters first and foremost and teaching them to love God and know Him) and also when the bar continues to rise so highly, that no young woman can seem to measure up to it. It is when we start measuring the length of sleeves, etc., that we tend to lose these young women. Christ says to “be modest”, period. That includes an entire lifestyle, but we seem to get stuck mostly on the clothing. If we teach them to be pure in heart, it will work its way outward. Isn’t that what Jesus taught us? To wash the inside of the cup and the outside would be clean? I remember that Jesus sat down and ate with the prostitutes. They could not have been modestly dressed and probably not modest in their behavior either. But, His love for them, changed them. He washed the inside and the outside became clean as well. Thank you for the post and also for sharing the books. The only ones we have not read are the Ludy ones. Ordering them now! God bless! (thanks for the info on the raised beds – going to do that this year!)
Jill
You don’t have to apologize for anything. Your comments are so true and such an important thing to keep in mind.
What bothers me, though, is that I read a lot of posts like yours about raising our daughters to be more modest, etc. But there’s never any companion posts about boys!! All the fault ends up on the girl: “She dressed like a slut, she deserved to be raped”. “Her clothes are so tight all the time, it’s no surprise she became a teen mom”. And so on….but what are we doing to teach our sons 1) Not to view girls as sexual objects (even if they dress that way) and 2) To seek out female companionship from girls who don’t feel the need to be overly sexual just to have a boyfriend/male friend?
For every scantily clad woman shaking her thing on a music video there’s a man on the same clip soaking it all up and enjoying it which teaches our boys that it’s OK to view women as objects of amusement. Therefore, the message to be sexually appropriate and sexually ethical shouldn’t just be on our daughters!
Jacqueline
Jill,
Your point is well taken! Yes, the boys have huge responsibility and few are being raised to understand what that entails. That was not in the scope of this post, but I have written on that topic. This link should take you to 4 posts that touch on this solely: https://deeprootsathome.com/topics/raising-masculine-boys/
Jennifer Smith
I couldn’t agree more about the boys. I am also raising a baby boy (1 year old) and even at this age we try to teach him about being gentile and kind. We want him to grow up with respect for people individually and the world as a whole. There are lessons to be learned every day for boys and girls, alike.
Erin
There was a cheerleading competition here over the past weekend and I thought the same thing. Now I understand why my mom didn’t let me get into cheerleading. Its hard on kids though because they don’t understand what is wrong with the outfits etc. etc.’
Unfortunately, many parents of girls don’t seem to care how they dress their girls from a really young age. I’ve long been disturbed by toddlers in halter tops.
Thanks for writing this. I can tell it comes from a place of love and concern.
Gina
I agree 100% with everything you said. As a parent of a young girl, I wrote a post on my blog a week or so ago titled “Protecting My Daughter’s Innocence” which deals with this same topic. It can be found at http://www.theneveraloneprincess.com. These same things have been on my heart. We have to be diligent for our kids.
Jacqueline
Thank you, Gina!
I will hopefully hop over today and read it! I appreciate your sharing it with me!
Joy
You handled a currently delicate topic very gracefully. Blessings to you for sharing truth!
Amber Ravatsaas
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! Beautiful article 🙂
Blessings,
Amber
Christina
Great post Jacque! And who cares if someone disagrees 😉 I’m so glad you pray for the heart of your readers to be receptive and to speak only what the Lord would have you to say rather than opinons. If you’re doing that, then they can disagree till they’re blue in the face and you get to stand on the confidence of the Lord.
Jacqueline
I miss you, Christina…as feisty as ever!! Give the little guys big hugs for me 😉
Courtney
I believe we have stopped protecting our daughters because we do not understand that protecting is not the same as disenfranchising. Hollywood, the media, and pop culture tell us we are denying a woman her rights if we expect her to behave, act, or dress in a certain manner. Supposedly, women should be free to do as they please, or else we are holding them back or placing them on a lower level than men and preventing them from achieving equality. The problem is, I am a woman, and I don’t want equality. What was it the Supreme Court said in Brown v. Board? Separate is inherently unequal. If we make women equal, they will no longer be separate. The lines that make them different from men will be blurred. The fact is that in the past women have been protected not because they were considered incompetent but because they were valuable. It was through women that men could realized their future and passed their legacy to children who would be birthed, nurtured, and socialized by their mothers. Women needed to be protected from illness, injury, and violence. They didn’t go out alone so that they would not be molested or worse. They did not dress provocatively because of the damage it did to their reputations. They did not smoke or drink because such activities were beneath them, which brings me to the main reason I don’t want gender equality. I wholeheartedly believe that in order to be equal with man, I must step down to his level. I must be seen as an object of sex rather than an object of beauty and honor. I don’t want that for myself, and I don’t want it for my sisters, daughters, nieces, cousins, or any other women in my present or future. I want to be treated like a princess, not a prostitute.
Jacqueline
Oooh! Courtney, I love it! “The fact is that in the past women have been protected not because they were considered incompetent but because they were valuable. It was through women that men could realized their future and passed their legacy to children who would be birthed, nurtured, and socialized by their mothers.” That is SO true!!
Well said!!!!!!!!! All of it! Would you consider writing for me?????
Blessings on your journey!
Rachel R.
I read a quote once – I wish I could remember where to find it! – from the era when women were first fighting hard for political equality and such. A notable woman said something to the effect of, “Men used to hold women on a pedestal.” She said that we’d gained equality, but rather than that being the step up we imagined it to be, it was really a step down. The same basic thing you’re saying here. 🙂
Jill's Home Remedies
Keep speaking the truth! You are a blessing!
Bella Michelle @ Southern Somedays
I love your perspective and your thoughts! I am the mom of a now 21 year old, almost college grad. daughter so this is an issue I have held close to my heart for many years…but, I am also the mom to 2 young men (16 and 11) and I see this issue in an even harsher and blaring light. Thank you for sharing!
Heather Anderson
You wrote beautifully! This is such a needed topic for parents to hear. One thing that doesn’t always get addressed is how the mother views herself will get passed on. During one season, after I had had six kids, I became very body conscious. I had some weight to lose and focused on it way too much. My oldest daughter was just hitting puberty and looking back I realize that she was very affected by my struggle. As mothers, we need to be careful what we are conveying to our children, even when we believe in being modest.
Jacqueline
I have also been thinking about that, Heather. Yoyo dieting and such does leave a huge impression. I am praying for all mothers at this point…there is so much at stake! Blessings and a hug to you <3
Amy Robinson
Great article! As the mother of an 18 year old young lady and an 8 year old little girl I need all the encouragement I can find in this area. Thank You Thank You Thank You
Kathryn
I wish I’d had access to this blog when I was raising my daughter and son as a single mom. As much as I tried to teach my daughter to dress and behave like a Godly young woman, she could not get past her public school peers opinions. When the whole school, including faculty, and your own family are teaching her to be more worldly and to leave the Church behind, how do you fight this when you stand alone. Now, as a young adult she is living a lifestyle that truly shameful. I pray for her every day in the hopes that she will one day wake up to what she is doing. I’m glad you did this post. Everything you said needs to be said, and we need more women less afraid to speak up, including myself! Our children are paying the price for our lack of demanding decency in our schools, in our children’s activities and even in our churches. Your post was well said and I thank you for it.
Danna
You expressed my feeling on the subject. We have a saying in our house, classy not trashy. My youngest is 17 and a junior. It was not until this year she was allowed to wear sudle make up for special occasions. She is a 2nd Lt. In JROTC and Senior Princess in Job’s Daughters International. Both great organizations for teaching girls how to be proper young ladies and develop leadership and self worth
Sarah
I enjoyed reading this. I have felt this same way. Not sure how to actually go about it though…Just in the last 2-3 yrs even Children’s Place has changed their clothes to a more “stylish and adult” look. It starts at the 4t and 5t. Kindergarteners! I don’t want my little one wearing shirts with all the peace signs, skulls and junk written all over them. Granted some are not bad but they are young, I’d like them to look that way. It’s hard to find shorts long enough for school and shirts appropriate for anything other than summer and still look cute w/o spending a fortune ordering from some catalogs. It’s hard to be an adult, I want them kids as long as possible.
KM Logan @lessonsfromivy
I could not agree more!
Andrew + Stephanie
Hi Jacqueline! I’ve been looking forward to reading this and finally found the time! THANK YOU for speaking your heart, and more importantly, speaking truth. We need to pray pray pray for girls and for our nation.
Stephanie
momstheword
Over the years I’ve listened to friends complain about finding clothes for their little children in stores. They didn’t want them to dress like a teen and they didn’t want their midriffs or bottoms showing.
When our boys reached age 11 my hubby had a book that he went through with them. They would read it together and then discuss it once a week.
I only had boys so no dolls, but I do know people who gave their daughters baby dolls instead of Barbie dolls in order to encourage them to emulate nurturing and mothering not dating.
Would you consider linking this up to my Monday linky party again on Monday? I think you linked up later in the week, which is fine, but I don’t know that anybody came back later in the week to visit and saw it and I’d really love my readers to see it! I can link it up for you if you wouldn’t mind. Just a thought.
Thanks so much for linking up to “Making Your Home Sing Monday” today! 🙂
Francine
Amen ! You have shared the heart of many Parents and Grandparents very well.
Francine
Amen! You have shared the hearts of many Parents and Grandparents very well.
Katie
For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed that traditional cultural dance (such as Scottish dance) allow for modest costumes. d If you have daughters who want to *dance*, that sort of thing is a good option.
Karla S.
I am only 23 and do not have any children yet, but this issue is very close to my heart.
I grew up in a strong Christian home, homeschooled all the way through and didn’t have to deal with a lot of the negative things thrown at young women in public schools. I am a youth leader at my church and see just how much this issue affects young women. My heart is to show them God’s desire for them and spur them on to being Set-Apart from the world, living fully dedicated lives for Christ. I was excited to see Leslie Ludy’s books in the list your daughter had. Those books had a huge impact on me in my teenage years, and even now. I reccomend them to all the girls I mentor. Thanks for talking about this. It really needs to be addressed.
Rhonda Devine
Much needed words–speak on my friend:)
Grace
Outstanding! Thank you for speaking honestly and with discernment about this topic. It was an encouragement to read and helped strengthen our resolve to be a modest family. Loved the verse you shared about reaping. As a relatively new mom, I find these types of posts invaluable. Thank you.
Ashleigh
Beautiful Girlhood is such a wonderful book.
For any of you who have girls that you want to learn by example, the Women of Faith: Elsie Dinsmore series has seriously impacted my life. I would recommend them to anyone and everyone.
Thank you so much for this post. It’s so great to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Eva
I agree 100%. My daughter was in cheerleading last year and when she would have to wear her uniform I made sure she looked modest. I had her put a t-shirt or long sleeved shirt on and tights or leggings. The way girls dress today is appalling. I am saddened when I see images of these innocent faces dressed so immodestly.
My girls–all 3 of them- even my 2 sons know what’s modest and what’s not. They know what my husband and I would approve of .
Eva Gorton
Sherry
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this important subject. Its such a slippery slope to allow young girls to flourish in their desire to be beautiful and well-liked and then this other extreme of which you have written.
Mama D's Dozen
Just found your blog, and so look forward to reading more.
Amen! Preach it! I am with you 100%.
As the mother of 6 daughters (and 6 sons), I have been GRIEVED over this topic for many, many years. I feel like I am the only Christian woman who is even concerned about this. The clothing that I see worn by teens at church (and their mothers) . . . the short skirts worn by women on the worship team . . . the bikinis worn by godly young mamas that I know . . . I. Just. Don’t. Get. It.
I know young Christian Mama’s who have their daughters in pageants. I know young Christian Mama’s who have their young daughters cheerleading (age 4 ?!?!). I know young Christian Mama’s who get their girls all dressed up and have them pose for pictures like little sex objects. And . . . the Mama’s just.have.no.clue.
I truly hope that this touches some women’s hearts.
Laurel
mama of 12 (ages 11 – 28)
MominNM
Just wanted to say I hear you! My husband has not wanted our family to attend church because he didn’t want our children to be taught that things were “okay” when they were not. Too many of the churches in America (and other places too?) are giving the pass to all kinds of things that they shouldn’t be…. So many sins are just dealt with with a smile and a wink. Skimpy clothing, married people flirting, ten year olds dating… Not perfect, Just forgiven!! I know that is true, but does that mean we don’t bother trying anymore? That’s not following Jesus. It’s really hard to deal with. We would like to join a church, but have repeatedly decided that our faith would be better off if we didn’t join.
Jacqueline
It can be very discouraging, but we have a great God, and He will never leave us or forsake us. Stand firm. I am praying you find a fellowship somewhere that will edify and build you and your children up in the Lord. Thank you, MorninNM~
Cassandra Wright
I agree with most of what you say. I just always think it is a shame to make women feel like their bodies must be hidden away to protect men. Usually, the people that say that have very bad attitudes towards women in the first place. Women are usually as perceived as weak and faithless. In reality, those men act like they are the ones who are weak and faithless if seeing a little girl’s bare arms makes him lose control.
Yes, teach out daughters to be righteous women,. AND teach the boys that they have an equal responsiblity in dealing with their sexuality.
Cara Black
As women of God, our clothes are our armor! It protects us from unwanted attention… Our modest clothing is a barrier that prevents our bodies from being ogled and also protects the minds of those who look on us. It is an honor to “hide our bodies away” for our husbands. HE is the one who alone has the right to look on it. Hiding our bodies away protects us AND our brothers. It would be our fault if we knowingly cause a brother to fall because of a lack of modesty. Let your husband see it all, not everybody else’s husbands.
Marilyn Friesen
I also want to lend my support to what you have written. I think you have helped many mother’s and grandmothers to have more courage in their fight to maintain innocence and modesty in their sweet little girls.
Wendy Hoff
Thank you for speaking from the heart. This has become such a huge issue in the past years. I am blessed to have a 10 year old daughter who does not like the inappropriate clothes in the stores so I don’t have to argue with her. I cannot imagine what it must be like when a daughter wants the “popular” choices and the mom disagrees. I have a SIL who lets her daughters dress this way and she complains that what is she suppose to do when they fight about it. Give in is not the answer. As mothers and grandmothers, we need to train up our children the way we want them to be. Maybe if more people spoke up, things would change in the fashion industry. Nice post.
Demetria
Thank you so much for this blog! My husband opened my eyes to the man’s mind and how a man thinks. It’s truly amazing and a bit scary to get a glimpse of how they see things. Our daughter will know what being modest is and WHY! It’s not just enough to tell her to not wear tight clothes, too much makeup, a short skirt/shorts. She will know biblically why she is to be modest.
Again, thank you for everything you said!
Wizdom
Hello, I am a male. I have no kids and I am not “Religious” but believe myself to be spiritual. I am single and see this all the time. I need to tell you this story:
I was accused once of making a statement about a girls shorts being too short at a party where all the girls, in my opinion, had to revealing of clothes on. I will tell you right now that I did NOT say anything at all, EVER, on my mothers grave! I would NEVER say anything out loud about something like that for the very reason I came to be told I said something. There was A LOT of commotion going on in the house and I was just one of many other guys and girls in there. BUT I was the only “Single” and “Fatherless” man there! Someone must of said it, but why was I pointed out to be the one! I got angry at first! I told my friend that told me about it that there was no way I would have said that nor even thought of saying it but did he believe me? Who knows. What can I do? Well, I have to stay away from him now, especially if he has parties cause now I am guilty of something I did NOT do!
NOW, The point of me telling this story and the preface is….
If they were NOT wearing the clothes, that apparently someone found objectionable and felt like they could say something cause they have kids, this situation would have never happened and I would feel comfortable going back to one of my best friends house again! You do not need to read the bible or be religious to understand this! This is common sense that any decent human being should know! We as men sexualize women all the time in their scanty outfits and what not but they are “Adults” and it is legal to be attracted to them, at least the ones you know are adult and that there brings up another problem. This is more of a problem than anyone wants to admit and are too afraid to say anything! This is a GREAT article and I agree wholeheartedly on what you said!
Jacqueline
Dear Wizdom,
My heart goes out to you and all the other guys that feel they are put into a box by the many faces of feminism. Yes, many men have a lust problem, but so do many women. All sin is “common to man”.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Cor. 10: 13
So for the believer, we know we have help from the Lord with this and can grow in areas of conduct, but my heart cries for both little (and not so little) girls and boys who are exposed to things that mess up the way they look at a God-given area of our lives (our sexuality). What was meant to be beautiful within marriage has been perverted into something ugly and vile. But the answer lies in what Christ did on the cross to forgive us of those sins. I was promiscuous and also had an abortion and am technically guilty of fornication and murder, but I stand forgiven by the washing of the blood of Jesus. Anyone can accept this grace and mercy poured out for us! Praise God.
I am sorry you had to go through that accusation. May I suggest that that false accusation might have been allowed by a Sovereign God who wants you to identify with His false accusation that lead to His death on the cross for us (and He remained silent)? I am sharing something that will be helpful as you work through this deep hurt in your life. May you come ‘face to face’ with the One who understands and has always loved you. Please, Wizdom, humor an old woman 🙂 https://store.jamesmacdonald.com/p-1771-jesus-falsely-accused-for-me.aspx
Wizdom
I am dealing with it fine. Common Sense and understanding come to everyone that listens to their heart. I respect your faith and your love for the Bible and ask that you respect what I believe. The difference is I have travelled your path for a very long time and it wasn’t for me and I know you have not travelled mine, and that is ok, but I can say whole heartedly that this letter/post NEEDED to be said and NEEDED to be heard by everyone! It is getting crazy out there and the mothers these days are so young they haven’t even grown up themselves yet to even come close to having the wisdom of knowing what they’re doing. It is children raising children. Then once they have their child they think they know everything that needs to be known. I tell you this because I have dated many ladies that had their child at a young age and you can tell.
Tiffanie of Truly Skrumptious
Well said Jacqueline! I pray this goes “viral” as so many need to hear it! Thank you for your courage in sharing this!
Don Rogers
Jacqueline, when God gave the command to “cry aloud, spare not..” and show My people their sins… I do not think He was speaking to the women at that point. I am ashamed of my gender for not hearing a multitude of men assail this subject. Surely there are fathers of young daughters out there who are gripped with fear for what their baby girl is becoming… but I have heard nothing.
I am out-of-touch with the trends of society (I work for myself, by myself… for decades), but I do remember attending a social function in Denton Texas with my youngest son (he was 18 at the time) (14 years ago) where I noticed him speaking with a crowd of what appeared to be 25-30 year-old midget women… all FULLY developed physically and in full make-up. I later asked him why were those older women there and what had happened to their vertical growth? He told me that they were all twelve years old.
I found out later that Denton does not employ a filter to remove the synthetic estrogen (in their water treatment facilities) that was building up in the city water supply as a result of birth-control pills being handed out freely at the area schools and colleges… and the water that is flushed is then recycled to pick up more estrogen.
These young girls are being bombarded with serious (yet artificial) hormones long before they have had time to develop mental strength, wisdom and understanding to be able to cope with their raging desires, or remotely being able to examine the consequences of abandoning abstinence. (That same estrogen in the Denton water supply is shrinking the testis on the young boys to near nonexistence and robbing them of the needed strengths required for them to mature into men, who CAN one day protect their families.)
You mentioned that it is “wonderful fun to find sweet responses”. ..and that is as it should be for a feminine lady. HOWEVER, should you find yourself on the receiving end of unkind remarks because you had the courage to speak the truth, please know that you are in excellent company. (Jesus was not politically correct… not even close. Neither were any of the prophets nor the watchmen.)
Personally, I am proud of you.
Rachel
Thank you for being so open and brave and thanks to all the other ladies who gave our lovely author encouragement. My husband and I don’t have children yet, but this is something very much on my mind and heart. I remember the pressure to look “cute” back in elementary and middle school. I stopped caring come junior high and High school. I don’t want that pain for my future girls, should God bless us with them.
Thanks all again for also affirming that my ideas for our future kids are reasonable. It’s always nice to know that my wish for modesty to be important isn’t me being nuts!
Tami B
Thank you for this! My 11 year-old daughter is a figure skater, and I make all of her costumes to keep her covered and as modest as possible. She loves her dresses and hates it that so many girls want to wear such skimpy outfits. She only wears makeup for recitals, and then it’s to just so she does not look like a ghost on the ice. It takes as much training to get the girls to want to look sexy as it does train them to want to be pure. It is our fault these girls look this way, and the more we watch and encourage these shows, the more we exploit them.
[email protected]
Jacqueline…I love this post! I am thankful that God led your heart to address this topic. We moms, and dads, too, need to be mindful and intentional in raising our daughters under the influence of the Word of God. Another good book is Raising Maidens of Virtue. I’m going through this one with my own daughter. Thank you again for sharing this most important topic. God bless you friend.
Alison Bayne
Thank you for such a helpful post, pertinent to us here in the the UK as well – so good to be reminded of what we can do, and not to lose hope.
Pamela
Oh, sweet friend, how we need this message today. My heart breaks when I see children who should be making mud pies and playing with dollies strutting across the stage. What is cuter than a little one losing her teeth? Yet now they get flippers for their teeth! And little boys with moves like girls–how can they be taught manhood? I admire you for tackling the issue (and so beautifully). I am praying this can be an awakening.
Joyfully,
Pamela
Jane Coquillon
My daughter is 12yrs old, and is actually more modest than I am (and I’m pretty reserved). She often pleasantly surprises me with what she won’t wear, and to be honest I’m not completely sure what I did to encourage her in this.
The only thing I can think of is that from the time that both my children were tiny, I have constantly stressed how “unreal” the images on the television were.
It might sound harsh, but when they’d see an advert for a toy and beg for it, I’d tell them that the toy wasn’t as good as it looked. We’d sit and watch the ad later and I’d show how they’d faked effects and point out flimsy construction.
Maybe that cynicism for the media has turned out even better than I’d hoped 🙂
Kathie Morrissey
Loved this! Great post that is full of truth. I’d love for you to share this on my Tuesday Link up Party, so my readers can see it: http://courtshipconnection.com/?p=4573
Jacqueline
Thank you, Kathie!! I am blessed that the Lord would give the words and am praying it will touch hearts and minds for Christ as we mentor our daughters for His glory! I would be grateful for it to be shared 🙂
Adrienne @ Whole New Moma
This is something my husband and I have talked about often. And I love Evidence Not Seen. Troubling but fabulous.
Freda Jordan
Wow! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I encourage us all to go ahead boldly with what God puts on our hearts and to not worry so much about offending people with it. I believe we need to please God, not people. And I applaud you for doing so! We need to carefully and boldly protect our children from Satan’s influence in this world. And we will have to go against the culture and the world to do it. Culture won’t like it and the world won’t like it, so we have to be ready for that battle. I agree with absolutely everything you said.
Amy
What a great topic! My daughter just turned 3 and I love that she loves to do all sorts of ‘mommy’ things. I hope to keep it that way for a long time. It’s really scary what the world is urging girls to do and be =( My daughter would love dance class, but I have a feeling that it wouldn’t end up being something that I would be ok with. Maybe ballet would be better than some of the other kinds? Right now we have fun with gymnastics. At least that sport isn’t sexualized the way that dance and cheer-leading are. So many hard things to consider!
MaryLena Anderegg
This is a prophetic article. NOW, we have a judge in Brooklyn saying 11 year old girls can get the “morning after” pill over the counter without medical or parental supervision while the FDA allows 15 year olds to do the same nationwide.
Lord, forgive us for letting things like this get this far.
Melody
I loved this post. I raised 3 daughters, all now in their early-mid twenties. They were raised to be modest and unassuming, both in dress and nature. We didn’t go to the other extreme, we just wouldn’t allow them to dress in tight-tight clothes with necks too low and bottoms too high!
I was blessed, they never fought me, but they now feel “detached” from their generation…unable to fit in. It grieves me to see them struggle to find their “place” amongst their peers without surrendering their morality. I also remind them, that we weren’t the only parents shielding their children and that somewhere out there are young men who were raised similarly who will appreciate their worth.
I am happy to find so many of these parents here! Thanks you again for the reminder and encouragement.
Misty
Well it sounds like you did a great job. Christians should never feel like they fit in this world. When we do, we are doing something wrong 🙂 taking the high road is never an easy task. My opinion anyway.
Jennifer Anderson
I love hearing all your encouraging words. You are such light to me through the Lord. We have 6 beautiful girls ranging from 13-3months.. Sometimes I feel as though we are all alone as well. Family, friends and yes even at church. It feels as if everyone is just following the world and we’ve been left behind. The lord put a strong desire on my husband and I to pull the kids out of school, and start homeschooling last year. I’m so glad we followed the Lord because he knows best and we have seen so much of a change in our childrens hearts. My oldest started wanting to follow the trends at school, with make-up and clothes, and even her body weight and especially her attitude. I feel if we wouldn’t have pulled her out when we did, we would of lost her. It’s such a joy to see women like you. So thank you for being such a inspiration and taking a stand in this fallen world!
Abby
I couldn’t agree more with you. Thank you for being brave, stepping outside of your comfort zone and speaking truth. Thank you as well for all the resourceful links. I pray this post reaches the people the Lord intends it to, and makes a great impression on them. I will share with those I know that have young girls. Thank you Jacqueline. ~ Abby
Karen
As always, dear friend, this is an excellent article. You are a true Godly Titus 2 woman. Thank you for remaining faithful and encouraging others to do so also. <3
Joy
I’m a bit late commenting on this, but this is a great article, Jacque! Thank you so much for taking the time to write it and standing up for truth!
Love,
Joy
Rachel from Love Built To Last
I do think it’s clear for most of us that a lot of children are growing up too fast and with too much emphasis on the physical side of things in general. I understand why people don’t want their children to wear bikinis and why they don’t want their little girls to wear makeup. I do sometimes worry though, that some people may be too concerned about whether a little girl’s belly showing is sexual. To me, a baby can’t be sexual. I see a baby in a bikini, just a diaper, or even naked, and I think of the old Coppertone commercials. There wasn’t anything sexual about that.
I think the important thing is how children are raised. I think they need to be raised in a way that they don’t look for attention, or feel a need to be admired for their bodies as they grow into adults.
I will say, my mother let me play with makeup. I started wearing very natural makeup when I came into puberty. I started with face powder and lipstick. I got some rosy blush. Some light eye shadow. Then eventually I learned about mascara and eyeliner. (That definitely came later.) I think it’s because of that I never wanted to wear too much makeup. I didn’t feel a need to rebel. I knew that makeup was just to polish up what is there. I understood that makeup accents your natural beauty. My mother taught me to put on makeup the right way, so that it always looked nice and pretty and never overpowering.
Kelly
Jacque,
You have shared something so important that others are often afraid to address, and I commend you for it. There is always that difficult line of where might I offend, but the Word tells us that we must speak the Truth and without that, we will lose generations of young girls and then must face the question of “why did you not speak?” God has been impressing on me that better to reach out to someone with the truth to try to bring them into the fold than to realize later that I risked losing their friendship and instead risked their eternal future by being afraid to speak up…………granted we must speak in love.
I do wish to share a wonderful ministry if you are not already aware of them. My daughter loves ballet, and it was so important to us to not allow her to enter into the world of jazz due to the same exposure that you shared on in the article. From a wonderful Christian teacher we became acquainted with “Ballet Magnificat”, a magnificent ministry that uses modest ballet to share the gospel both here in the US and abroad on the mission field. We went to one of their performances locally last year and were in awe at the Word that was presented both in dance and in testimony and alter call and prayer time. There are good ways to expose the fine arts to our daughters, and keep them in the training of the Lord. As our daughter gets older she hopes to be able to attend one of their summer camps and one day go on the mission field with them. I am hoping this link might bless some moms out there. http://www.balletmagnificat.com
God bless you,
Kelly
Dianna
Our youngest daughter has been in dance class for three years. She is now eight years old, and this was her 2nd year on the “dance team”. The first year in dance, the costumes for her age were sweet and appropriate. The next year, I was shocked to say the least. Then this year…well, lets just say I turned into my mom the moment I saw them! Of course we had to have a full face of heavy makeup. The first year it was hard for me, but I thought everyone else is doing it. The second year, one of the older group of girls had costumes that were skimpy to say the least, and they were dressed as…for a lack of better wording…street walking nuns! I was so offended as a Catholic that they were using costumes like that! When I asked her dance teacher about them, she said “I know, aren’t they great??? My mom made them!” Well lets just say that was the end of our conversation. So this was a pivotal year for me. I thought maybe I was just being a prude. Again, even skimpier costumes then last year. We were at a competition and one of the other moms screamed out “Get um girl! Show em how you shake that [email protected]@!!!” At that point, it was all over for me! I spoke with my mother in law (because she really wanted her to stay in dance) and told her that it was just too much. I explained how I felt, thinking she would tell me that I need to lighten up. To my surprise, she said “I cannot agree with you more. There is no reason that a little girl, or any girl for that matter, should feel the need to shake her butt to feel self worth”. Needless to say, this was our final year of dance, and I couldn’t be happier with our decision!!!
Jennifer N
Thank you so much for this article and your gracious handling of this subject. This hurts my heart as I have 2 young daughters myself. So many of my friend’s from my home state do just these things-one of them is under 5 that wears that EXACT orange and blue uniform-the squad is from my home state. I don’t want to be ‘legalistic’ either but it is getting hard to even find decent clothing for kids anymore. Especially the younger ones. God bless you for writing this.
Sherri Tipton
Thank you for your boldness on this subject. It not only saddens me to see young girls who are caught, and taught, in this trap. It shocks me to see how many Christian parents I know who are allowing their daughters to be caught up in it as well. As the mother of a 12 yr old little girl, and the wife of a youth pastor, I know and see all to well how much this type of training can have on a young girl. I am beyond thankful that at a young age, God gave me wisdom on raising my children and esp our daughter in this area. I NEVER allowed her to wear anything as a baby/toddler/preschooler that I would NOT want her to wear as she got older, particularly at the age she is now when she chooses her own style. I could only imagine her pointing her finger and me and saying, ” But Mom, you dressed me this way when I was little, what’s wrong with it now?” So it’s not about them being sexy at that age, but it’s the TRAINING! My daughter now has a dress code that we go by but rarely ever do I have to say anything because she knows, and quite frankly is uncomfortable in anything to revealing. I hope that other Moms will begin to think twice on the way they are training their daughters and realize that we don’t just need to teach good morals and how to go to church. We need to take it serious and begin to TRAIN our children in the ways of the Lord, and that includes MODESTY!!!!!!!
Elizabeth
Dear Miss Jacqueline,
You wrote this article with such grace. You remained very loving while articulating your thoughts. This emerging trend of girls feeling pressured to grow up too fast is disturbing indeed! It pains me to see girls enter middle school age and start to fall away from the pure sweetness and loveliness they had in elementary school, simply because of the pressure they feel from being around older girls who live promiscuously (a big reason I am an avid homeschool advocate!).
A thought came to my mind as I was reading this though. I thoroughly support guarding children’s innocence from the filth of the world as they grow up, but I also believe in equipping children for handling less-than-savory situations, such as the cheerleading competition you mentioned. To me, instilling a Biblical worldview is so important, but so is teaching children how to be salt and light to a darkened world. Yes, we should abstain from sinful influences (1 Peter 2:11), but we should not avoid the world by any means. God has redeemed for Him a people to share His love to a hurting world.
I am only 20, unmarried and not a parent, or an expert by any means. However, already I know that if I am blessed with children one day I pray that I will raise them up to honor and love the Lord, and I pray that I raise children to spread the Good News of Jesus to our sin-ridden society and a dying world.
I just realized this is a bit of a tangent from your original message, but I just wanted to share that thought! 🙂 I read Beautiful Girlhood not too long ago, and it is such a dear book to me. Thank you for standing up for feminine loveliness, gentleness, and innocence. Blessings to you!
Annette Wolf
This was an encouraging message for me to read..especially today!
Cultural influence is so strong, regardless of where one lives, and loneliness; lack of like minded friends of various ages can dull the essence of this important topic.
Compromise is tempting to young ladies. I see it all around. And while there are many books on ideal relationships for young ladies…..reality is often far less attainable and then discouragement can come right in and make it self at home in hearts and homes very subtlety.
Its the subtlety of getting off course that concerns me for myself and our girls and others. Being an imperfect parent..and as the years go by, an often-times humbled parent, I want so much to stay close to this with confidence, in a decaying culture. It was indeed so good to be reminded of this important, yes, very important issue. Thank you dear friend.
I so appreciate the comment by Mr. Don Rogers from April 14th. What a blessing it is to hear of men who are awakening to this issue!!! May there be more being turned towards this.
Jacqueline
Ahh..Annette,
The enemy is wily and purposeful, (and I know you know this) but we must not give him too much credit. I am so thankful that we have One that is greater than the one in the world!! I want to tell you of how the Lord is showing His power to me these days. I used to be and in many ways still am a ‘cleaner’. I love a clean floor and have in some ways made it a small idol. But, I can relate to you, my friend, as I age and am so often finding myself a ‘humble parent’, so I need to go before Him often with cares for young women and mothers I come into contact with via the blog, for our immediate and extended family, and for our church body. Now the Lord has transformed these floors into an alter. I still love that clean floor, and after everyone is tucked away to sleep, I am down on my knees washing around the doors and the kitchen (compulsive, but great exercise!! ha!). This is where the tears flow in gratitude and worship and supplication before the Almighty God. He embraces me and holds me as I pour out my heart and concerns to him. I just wipe up the tears with the dust. It is such a precious time, and He makes His presence known in such a tangible way. Much of it is simple worship. What a neat time it is! Most people would never understand it 🙂
I am also keeping you all in prayer as you face a possible move and all that entails. He knows your frame, and He is sufficient!
Annette Wolf
Great thoughts..thanks for sharing about your altar. It was most inspiring!
Jacqueline
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
Carolyn
Thank you for this well-written post. I’m sharing it on FB as it has touched my heart.
Jacqueline
Thank you, Carolyn. I appreciate it so much 🙂
Julie
You might enjoy “Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry” by Lisa Bevere. I loved this post!
Jen
Thank you for this important post!! I am DISMAYED by the raunchy, in-your-face, porn-ified culture I have to raise my daughters in (ages 7 & 8). I have taken on a very protective role and I don’t care what anybody says about it. I feel it is absolutely necessary. It seems to be getting worse by the day. I can’t even take my kids to the shopping mall because of the lingerie store’s unavoidably huge soft core porn poster advertising. I could go on for hours.
All I can do it keep my home a safe place for my kids and do my job as a mother. I filter everything and they know it. I think that makes a difference — that my kids know I care enough about them to do that.
When they see teen and pre-teen girls walking around the street in super short-shorts, I always say, “don’t worry, I’m never going to make you wear shorts like that,” or, “you don’t have to ever dress like that when you’re older.”
What a world we live in! I lose sleep about it sometimes. But I think it’s vital that we’re aware of it so we can protect the innocence of our children.
Jacqueline
I found it hard in the younger years (I was not as mature) to not judge the girls who threw themselves at men. Now I find it possible to have more compassion for them; they are so lost and many feel unloved by anyone. When I related to them in love in front of our children, I wanted to model unconditional love. Judgement distances, love bridges. They don’t care how much we know until they know how much we care! Blessings, Jen! Just keep lifting up your children to the Lord…He will guide you in this whole matter!
LeeAnne, Style N Season
Someone needs to write and speak up about this! I have a son, and I want him to marry a godly woman one day. And from a man’s perspective, my husband agrees, too!
Visit me:
LeeAnne, Style N Season
http://stylenseason.blogspot.com
Amber Warren
Thank you for writing this! As a mom of two teenage girls, I have struggled with this for a long time, as it has grown more and more difficult for them to buy clothing that is modest. Also, by our girls not being protected and flaunting their “stuff”, our boys are no longer protected, either. Sad!
Jan Hatchett
Amen! As the mom of two teenaged boys, I am appalled by what I see girls and often their mothers wearing out in public. Fortunately, my boys are, too (for now) and I hope it stays that way.
Thank you for speaking out about what our society is doing. Want to see less pedophilia? Take kids off display and let them be kids. I know that won’t solve every case, but it would slow it down.
Unfortunately, lack of supervision goes hand in hand with this style of dress. Then, we run the risk that some more savvy person will expect them to behave in a way that matches their risque dress!
Mia
This article has sincerely been an answer to my prayers. Thank you sharing this so important message God has placed in your heart… it has unmeasurably touched mine.
Jacqueline
Mia, Praise God!! I am thankful it has been an encouragement to you. Praying now for you <3
Mia
You are such a dear… thank you. I feel so blessed to have been led to your website 🙂
Vickie Matthews
Lev 19: 29Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.
Isn’t that the truth today! 🙁
thank you for this great article! Evil truly does prevail when good people do nothing! We need to fear the LORD not people! King Saul lost the kingdom because of fearing the people!
I put the blame on feminism and it’s acceptance even within the body of the LORD. It took away our femininity and replaced it with sensuality. In Titus 2:3-5 keepers at home are actually guards of the home. It is the job of the woman but in our world, women have abdicated their role for the lust of the eye, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life. Our priorities are all wrong! Women need to be back in the home truly training up their own children. Can’t expect the world to raise a godly generation!
Jacqueline
Oh, Wow!! Vickie, I have missed that all these years…:( so terribly sad! but I am so thankful for our Savior to SAVE us from our whoedom to idols of all kinds… Thank YOU, Jesus! God bless you Vickie and bless your family!
Gigi
Amazing post!!! I have two girls and think of this regularly. What our culture is doing to our girls and boys literally sickens my stomach. If you talk to secular kids out there (I know from family members), barbies are no longer the desired doll for 5 year olds, these are: http://www.amazon.com/Monster-Ghouls-Night-Spectra-Vondergeist/dp/B00C6PRY24/ref=pd_sim_t_6
Breaks my heart!!!
Jacqueline
It really does, but we have a powerful weapon: PRAYER and our faith ! “Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world.” Grace and peace, sister! Remember…in the end, we win!!
Tara
I totally agree with you. Having been born again several years ago, I see the world completely differently now, and I do not like what I see.
The blatant sexualization of our young children is sickening.
This isn’t a ‘plug’ for my blog by the way, but I want to get this out there so that more mothers can use the power of their pockets to let these companies know that we don’t want our children wearing these smutty clothes.
http://eternityisforever.wordpress.com/2012/08/24/hard-sell-an-excerpt-from-a-newspaper-article/
I didn’t write the above article, but I did type it all out from a newspaper article from last year.
Things like this make me see red and I just feel so helpless.
Thank you for writing and speaking out about this tragedy. 🙂
[email protected]
Jacqueline….glad you shared this again at WJIM. I tweeted it once more. Its such an important topic. God bless sweet friend.
Elisabeth
Thank you so much! As the mother of four daughters (one grown and married, the younger ones are 12, 9, and 7) as well as three (soon to be four) sons, I hate what the culture is doing to both our girls AND our boys! How hard it is for our children to remain pure! Even at church… our youth minister’s daughter (20 years old) often wears short-short skirts that I know are a distraction and stumbling block to the men and boys at church who are struggling to remain pure in a world of billboards and pornography pop-ups and so on!
We use a strong Christian internet filter… I read the books my children are reading… what little TV we watch is monitored, seen over by parents and almost all channels require a parents code to access them. (We are big fans of VeggieTales, though!)
My husband has gone back to college to improve our family’s future… last semester his final exam required him to write an essay IN FAVOR of Victoria’s Secret lingerie for 8-12 year old girls (he wasn’t allowed to choose his topic or whether he was pro or con). Needless to say, he was unable to complete that and chose instead to take the F in English. He is retaking the class this semester with a different professor and already discussed the issue with him… the professor was horrified and assured him he would not be facing anything similar this semester.
Jacqueline
Oh, Elisabeth, I am horrified, too. I am grateful for men like your husband who took a stand! May God bless you and your family richly!!
Rona Cassell
LOVE this! And as the mother of 3 boys I hope there will be some modest, Godly young women for them when the time comes. I’m praying and believing God for it. I am grieved daily by what my boys and husband are encountered with daily. It is a constant battle for them everywhere they go, even in church. We had this very issue with our previous pastor’s daughter, coming to church leaving NOTHING to the imagination. She was a stumbling block for every male in that church body. He said that it was not her intent. May the eyes of ALL parents be opened to such.
katie
As a mother of 3 daughters (the oldest being 5) this is something that is also on my mind a lot. I refuse to even enter my daughters’ pictures in contests for fear of the sibling rivalry it could cause (I won and you didn’t) as well as the publicity and worldliness it could open our family up to. We are doing our best to raise our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. My husband is in ‘full-time Christian work’ and we see families fail daily to educate their daughters to be Proverbs 31 women. I recently took on the challenge of memorizing that chapter myself and hope to be the example to our daughters that I should be. I pray daily that they will grow up to be exactly what God would have them to be…they will be the happiest women in the world if they have nothing else in the world than Him.
Thank you for ‘sticking your neck out there.’ You have a new follower 🙂
Rhiannon
I am SO glad this is being brought to awareness. My daughter is 11 years old and I can’t imagine making her physical body a priority for me or her. She is a beautiful soul and the thought of making anything she is or does sexual in any way disgusts me. The thought of making anything any little innocent girl sexual in any way is intolerable and we as mothers should make it our mission to not only protect their very precious innocence, but to teach them that they are beautiful because they are innocent and because they are unique individuals. This is so important not only for the little girls who should never, ever, ever be made to feel that their appearance is a reason they are loved but for our society as a whole. Thank you so so much for posting this.
Create With Joy
Dear Jacqueline,
Thank you for sharing such an important and timely message on your blog and with our readers at Create With Joy!
I will be featuring your article today at Inspire Me Monday!
Jacqueline
Thank you, sweet friend! I am praising God for His goodness 🙂 I keep praying over this post particularly, that young Mothers will let the Word of God speak to them 🙂
Hannah J @ Dreaming of Perfect
I loved this post. I read it a while ago, but I think you really said it well. The media sexualizes our children, especially the girls.
I featured this at this week’s Free to Talk Friday. =)
Amy Jung
There were too many comments to read through all…but I do hope that people were not offended. This was a great post and commend you for having the strength to speak your mind and heart. You are right on all points. This is becoming a problem in our mainstream culture — not just the unique families that choose beauty pageants for their 3 year old. I have a friend who took her girl out of school because she was way too concerned with having her clothes be tighter like all the other girls. There are parents who are trying to combat this but…it is hard. Everywhere you turn…
Tina H.
After reading your article, I thought you and your readers might enjoy my daughter’s blog. She is twenty years old and has a blog called freshmodesty.blogspot.com where she encourages ladies to dress modestly and fashionably. It has been a great encouragement to many. She also has a website, freshmodesty.com , where she sells two ebooks – one for sewing modest swimwear and the other for sewing two cute denim skirts. Her facebook page is facebook.com/freshmodesty. I hope you and your readers can find some encouragement from her blog.
Jacqueline
Thank you so much Tina 🙂 I think I have been to her site! I have used some of her photos in my feminine dress posts: https://deeprootsathome.com/a-portrait-of-feminine-dress-from-church-to-wedding/ I appreciate her example so much!!
Penny
I agree 100% with you and I wish I had read this article 15 years ago! I know God is in control and can correct our mistakes when we give them to Him, but if I could do some things over again, I would surely do some things differently. And on a similar note, why do so many young moms insist on dressing their infants like miniature teenagers? I wish more babies could experience the innocence and comfort of baby gowns and roomy rompers!!
mreeanne
I wish my mother had understood this concept. As a teen I had grown men telling me what they wanted to do to me when I was “legal.” As a teen I was raped more than once. My mom thought I was “cute.” The men and boys thought I was “meat.”
Now I am a Christian and a mom of a very pretty little girl. It is both flattering and a little scary to me when strangers tell me how pretty my daughter is. I do my best to ensure that my children have a childhood free of sexual messages. That is why we do not have a TV- they get to watch videos that we, the parents, deem appropiate. We are careful about our choices of music and books as well.
It saddens me to see the older girls and teens in church wearing mini skirts with tights. They have no idea what message they are sending to the boys, but their parents should. I’m sure that people from our church think I’m legalistic and I’m okay with that- I have high standards. My daughter is going to wear dresses to church that are at least to her knees. She is a little girl and will dress like one. I hold myself to the same standard.
Though others may think me to be legalistic- my children are FREE to enjoy an innocent childhood .
Lissa
There are moms out there that are letting their daughters be in things like pageants and cheerleading, but I think that MOST moms really DO have a desire to protect their daughters and raise them right. There are still a lot of moms out there who teach their girls to be modest and set firm guidelines for them. Don’t get discouraged thinking thinking you are the only one concerned.
Jacqueline
Oh, no, I realize I’m not. I agree that MOST mothers have that natural LOVE for their children. It hit me how many really DO think deeply about these things when I saw the overwhelming response to the post you are commenting on: close now to 12,000 likes. Blessings and thanks for taking the moment to share your heart here 🙂
Sara
This is excellent. I also see these things around me. Just this week I heard from an old friend who has a FIFTH grader that she let go on a supervised “date.” It is very sad and very dangerous. I am proud of you for speaking out on this. It is a hard thing to address because we are often made to feel like the villain or the one that is “weird” for sheltering. Great post!!!
Rachel R.
I so appreciate this post, and especially the heart behind it! I’d like to share a word of caution, though, with those who read: watch your HEART in this. When our hearts are right, the decisions we make won’t all be exactly the same, but the overall impact will be. On those pageants, for instance, a parent who is making her decisions for the right reasons will be in a position to determine whether a pageant is effectively teaching her daughter to develop greater poise and to confidently speak in front of people, or whether it’s teaching her to be vain or to question herself.
On the flip side of the coin, we have far too many Christian parents today who are stuck on modesty and purity out of fear, and they are ultimately teaching their daughters to be ashamed of the way God made them.
When we recognize and communicate to our daughters that their value = priceless, that will show itself in modesty, but it will be very different in its impact than a modesty resulting from shame.
Jacqueline
“When we recognize and communicate to our daughters that their value = priceless, that will show itself in modesty, but it will be very different in its impact than a modesty resulting from shame.” Well said, Rachel.
Thank you for your thoughts. I personally could never have been a part of the pageant scene as there is just so much I’d have to undo in my daughter’s mind from what she would witness. Without spiritual maturity in place (even with maturity), it would be folly. ‘Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.’ (1 Cor. 15: 33) and “…you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.” (Proverbs 22:25) This is not done out of fear, but because our daughters ARE priceless we want to give them the VERY best!
Blessings!
Kk
There’s nothing inappropriate about All Star Cheerleading. Stooping them down to child pageants? That’s ridiculous. “If they have to learn to dance like Vegas showgirls, well, that’s OK.”
No honey. It’s not a dance competition. It’s 2 1/2 minutes of high caliber stunting and tumbling. Most kids that start All Star young end up winning Worlds. That opens a door to many careers in the cheer world. Those girls you criticized above? I’ll be laughing when they are successful gym owners and you’re ranting on the way they dressed. I would be absolutely disgusted if you used a picture of me to hate on Cheer. I’m sure those girls didn’t appreciate it either.
In the end, nobody cares about the uniform. Or the glitz. We live to COMPETE gymnastic routines. Not to play dress up flirt-in-a-skirt. If you look at a cheerleader in uniform and you see sex… YOU are the THE problem. If a mother did soccer as a child and introduced her child to it, no problem. If the same mother did the same thing for Cheer…. feminists lose their minds.
All Star Cheer is a small known world. The people at competitions are often family and gym members. Not something a random pedophile would attend, if they could pass security to begin with. Boys also do All Star Cheer… now tell me how those young men had their childhoods robbed. Let’s see how damaged Debbie Love’s children are.
Now let’s see YOU go out in a crop top and do what these young girls do.
Cheryl
I absolutely agree! I’ve been looked down on by some in my extended family for being too strict. I’m not pushing a no pants-dresses/skirts only rules and she wears Bermuda shorts that are to her knee. She looks cute and stylish but never beyond her age. I know what happens when a young girl thinks that the only way to get attention and the love they crave is by dressing in a way to get them noticed in a negative way. It was years later when I rededicated my life to the Lord that I realized how wrong the “worldly ways” were. I try to model modesty to our daughter and ensure she is dressed modestly to protect herself.
Keep on telling the truth!!
Gail Golden
Hats off to you for this post, and I agree with you completely. My daughters were born in the 70’s, were teens in the 80’s and 90’s. It was tough because of MTV and especially Madonna. Her “style” had a very adverse effect on young girls of that time. I was called the meanest mother in the world for not allowing MTV and other tv and music that was detrimental to them. It was not easy to stand firm on that, but I felt it was my duty before G-d. I’m not responsible for their acceptance of G-d’s Word, but I am responsible to teach it. I know it must be even harder now, but I believe it is important.
Blessings to you, and keep on preaching the Truth,
BB
Michele
Thank you!! Your post was fabulous! As the mother of 2 young men I have been horrified over the years at how much female flesh is visually available! I am not speaking about pageants, movies, tv, etc. I am speaking about church, grocery stores, parks, shopping malls. Young girls need to be taught about purity and respect. Respect for themselves as well as all the boys and men seeing them. Men/boys are visual creatures, created in the image of the Almighty, exposing them to the “eye candy” that girls seem to think they need to be is unfair. As hard as it is to learn to have control over our thoughts, having the images in front of you makes it twice as hard. I am very thankful for my DH who taught our sons from day one to turn their faces away when they see inappropriate scenes in movies and on tv. Because of the example of their father they have/will enter into dating and marriage with pure hearts, minds and bodies. I hope and pray that fathers will rise up, protecting their daughters and teaching their sons. Thanks Again.
Jacqueline
Oh, Michele,
I am so thankful for husbands like yours! You and your sons are blessed! I am praying for them to remain pure in heart, mind, and body!
God bless you, dear Mama!
Carolyn Schatte
Thank you for writing this article! Thoughts like this are way overdue. It has been a great grief and sorrow to see how far our society has gone and the church just follows right along with it. I appreciated Michelle’s comment about teaching our children to turn their heads away from seeing inappropriate images either in reality or pictures. We did the same thing. I would like to share that while they are finding that girls are terribly damaged by this; they are finding that men are more damaged. Here is an article that you can read on it – http://www.markgungorshow.com/show/8185 – they are damaged by sexual encounters outside of marriage and by pornography.
Jacqueline
Yes, Carolyn, they are. It is so evident that when a boy/man allows the the world to steal his purity and self-respect, it is much more difficult for those men to bond with their wives and lead the home selflessly according to the biblical mandate. Satan hates family and strong marriages and so he targets a man’s weaknesses just as he targets a woman’s desire to rule her husband. Only through the power of the Lord Jesus and repentance can a man or a woman have their heart restored. With God all things are possible! Thank you 🙂
Judith Zhang
This is a very, very complicated issue that we have to trod around delicately.
Preface: I have two daughters and a son. My family and I live in China, where there is less sex and provocative-ness in the media, aside from the occasional music video. Perhaps because of this, I brought up my children as more liberal than other Christian families. My parents and my husband’s parents are also atheist (having been raised under the Maoist Regime.) Because of this and our culture of filial piety, our values go like this: Family first, God second. (Not having God at the center is something I struggle with every day, but that is a different discussion.)
So please take what I have to say with a grain of salt.
Yes, the media is sexualizing women and men and that is dangerous to young minds. However, at the same time we have to be careful not to shoehorn young girls into thinking they are objects of temptation. This, in some cases, is a form of blaming the victim. By telling young girls to dress modestly in order to keep from “distracting the boys,” (taken from my daughter’s school manual on dress code) we are suggesting that it is the girl’s responsibility if a boy is tempted. This promotes rape culture.
My eldest daughter hit puberty quite early, and not long after that the lewd comments from her peers or even just people on the street began. She was completely stricken.
She started slouching to hide her breasts. She was ashamed of her womanly body, because she was afraid of how others would see her, and she thought it was her fault that she had curves – and it very nearly broke my heart.
I stopped using the term “distracting” or “tempting” or even “immodest” when referring to her clothing. Instead, if I saw a hemline that may have been too short, I told her that she didn’t look “professional.”
And I treated my son the exact same way. If he was wearing a tank with the arm areas cut out, so you could see the sides of his torso, I told him he didn’t look “professional” or that he looked “sloppy.” But most importantly, I taught him how to respect women.
So while we have to make sure our girls are protected, we should also instill purity in our boy’s thoughts, and vice versa. To do one but not the other is sexist.
To this day, I tell my eldest daughter to wear what makes her feel happy, and to not be ashamed of herself. She is now a young college graduate on a great career track. She still wears her knee length skirts and modest blouses, but she no longer slouches in shame. And that makes me, as her mother, unbelievably proud.
As for my youngest daughter, she dresses exactly like her idol: her big sister 🙂
Jacqueline
Ah, thank you, Judith, for sharing your story with us! I am so thankful you found a way to affirm your daughter and how the Lord designed her. We would never want to shame our daughters! Teaching our sons is just as important as teaching our girls!!! Also, this gives me some idea of the current culture where you live in China.
Sending blessings to you all 🙂
Tina at Mommynificent
Wow! You’ve linked several powerful articles this week at Booknificent Thursday that I will be saving and coming back to again and again. Thanks so much!
Tina
husband tshirt
Spot on with this write-up, I seriously believe this site needs far more attention. I’ll
probably be back again to see more, thanks for the advice!
Anon
You are so right about ALL of this. I’d like to bring out something you may not have covered (I’m reading without my glasses, so if you did cover this, I’ll just re-emphasize it.)
I was brought up to dress modestly and to protect my modesty like it was life itself. I was taught how to respond if a boy tried to violate those modesty boundaries, but I was never taught what to do if someone who was supposed to protect me and to enforce those boundaries violated them (I was not quite 13). Don’t get me wrong, i made plenty of noise, but mom was in the shower and couldn’t hear. I was never taught to tattle on my dad, so the molestation kept happening. Six months later, my older brother demanded I remove my top, later my panties. Normally I would have told on him…but my dad was still at it, so on what grounds did I stand in telling? The abuse went on for more than 2 years until one night, within 10 minutes, I’d been violated the worst I could imagine apart from intercourse. I told. My mom handled things very poorly – although maybe it was the best she could muster.
My point: dress them modestly, teach them to buy modest clothes. Teach them to lock the door when they will be unclothed (This simple act may have prevented all of what happened to me.) Teach them to scream bloody murder when their boundaries are violated. Teach them it’s ok to tell on dads – no matter what the dads might say. And teach them if someone does violate a boundary, IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT!
Jacqueline
Oh, Anonymous! Thank you SO MUCH for being vulnerable! I didn’t address that because it was outside the scope of the post, but it is SO needed to be talked about by a mother or father! I thank you again for sharing it!!!! I will be placing this comment (anon, of course) on my Deep Roots at Home page b/c it is so, so valuable a lesson not to share as food for thought! May the Lord totally and sweetly heal you, dear one. It is NOT your fault!
Leslie
Just a heads up as to why you see certain things at cheerleading competitions.
The girls wear make up not to show off or try and look cute or older than they are, but because they are on stage in bright lights. Just like children in theater wear make up for plays. It has nothing to do with trying to look older or sexy. Also the reason for stretching is a safety precaution. Would you ever try to play football without stretching properly for the sport? It’s dangerous and girls will get injured if not properly stretched.
Cheerleading has been declared as the most dangerous sport and the most athletic overall by several organizations. Please don’t hold onto stereotypes that cheerleaders have to face. In the industry today they just aren’t true with competitive cheer.
M
Beautiful. So much wisdom here. Thank you for the important reminder.
Evelyn
Thank you for speaking the truth in love!
May God Bless you!
Gail Golden
I agree with you whole-heartedly. Thank you for saying these things, and I pray for this article to be shared far and wide. With your permission, I would like to share it on my blog, with a link back to you.
Blessings to you,
GG
Jacqueline
I would be thankful for that, Gail! May the Lord use it to touch someone’s heart…
And thank you for caring. I will come over for a visit. J
R.H.
I appreciate this article, as I have 2 granddaughter’s who are under the age of 8. My daughter was the one who sent me this article. Too many times, we want to go with the flow & keep up with the Jones , whether we can afford it or not. That’s when it’s time to say No !!!!
Kate
I couldn’t make it through this whole article…I was a cheerleader and not some silly girl who wanted to wear little skirts. Cheerleading was a huge part of my life, not high school cheer but competitive! I learned about hard work and dedication. How to be a team member and be positive. My mom never once pushed her agenda on me. If it was up to her I would have been a softball player. I think it is really unfair to be on the outside and try to look in and judge others. I am a modest person who loves their family and has strong moral beliefs. It is because of social media and the news today all we see is the negative. For every “bad case” cheerleader there are hundreds more becoming strong, motivated, dedicated women!
Jacqueline
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, Kate.
I hope you understand that the story I shared really happened. Maybe that group of cheer competitors was in the extreme, but they (very young girls) indeed were just on the edge of exposing their private parts with their spread legs up in the air with many boys and men just feet away. It was quite shocking, and I don’t shock easily as someone who was promiscuous before I came to the Lord at 31 and have done night Emergency room and seen it all. The thing that was so disturbing is that the moms were shouting coarsely, “Show ’em your stuff, honey” It was quite tasteless and smacked of selling their daughters for a cheap thrill. I used this situation as a springboard to illustrate to moms (and parents) who are often not aware of the cheapening effect they have on their daughters that are pushing their girls into areas that will compromise their hearts and minds. Whatever happened to keeping your beautiful body for your husband one day instead of eliciting looks and attention from men who will likely undress you further in their mind? Call it desensitization of you want, but I fear for the next generation of young mothers that will have a lowered sense of what is appropriate and not be able to teach their young daughters (or sons for that matter) what is good, noble, right and pure as Philippians 4:8 speaks of. I am thankful your mother didn’t apparently have an agenda and you came through just fine. Jackie
Alicia
This truth is so needed. I’m a missionary in Asia, and it’s happening here as well.
Thank you! Keep holding forth the word of LIFE!!
Mother of 4
Leanne
This was an excellent article. I have struggled with disordered eating/compulsive exercising for nearly 37 years… I had a teacher in 4th grade mock and make fun of my “chunkiness” in front of other classmates… in my late teens/ 20’s all I wanted was for men to desire me and make me feel like I had worth… through a series of very painful events, I became born-again at 31… I am now married to a very godly man and we have three sons… however, despite all of my husbands reminders of my worth and beauty to him, I still feel and fight the feelings of not measuring up…
my goal in raising my three boys is to teach them that women should be protected and cherished. I just told my son that he could not listen to a certain song because it fills his mind with thoughts about women that are not godly…(he just liked the beat…but I told him he still hears the words and they fill his brain)… we tell all our boys that their future wives should be someone that they find attractive to them…but her most important quality is her faith in and love of Jesus Christ…. That girl will be a truly beautiful girl!
Thank you for this excellent article!
Jacqueline
Aww…Leanne,
I came to the Lord at 31 also! It does take pain and wounds to help us recognize our need for a Savior. Then to find out He Loves and cherishes us like it says in Zephaniah 3:17 is amazing!: “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
I am so thankful you have a man who cherishes you, too, though imperfectly in this life. I trust the Lord will give you wisdom (and insights from your journey) with which to parent your boys. Praying for you all now…God bless you!
Kb
I find it interesting that such a Godly woman has judged an entire group of people based on looks alone. I wonder if you ever met or talked to any of these parents or kids. I bet you would find a different mindset than you think.
Matthew 7:1-2 ‘Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use , it will be measured to you.’
Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things.
I could go on- but instead I will use this time to pray for You and your followers. Pray that you will use more than first impressions to judge an entire group of people. And I will pray for your daughters- that they will learn to be better than their parents.
Jacqueline
Kb, it is our job as parents (so neglected in the church today) to make judgements about everything we do. Let me explain.
If we just partake in everything out there without making a judgement whether it is beneficial for us and our children or not, then we will likely be drawn into things that are on the borderline because they LOOK ok. What about the verse that qualifies Matthew 7?: “Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.” (Luke 7:24) Here we ARE told to judge.
Judging correctly (Do I do this or do I not?) is something we must teach our children and do ourselves every day so we don’t fall into a trap! Did we ask God for wisdom?
Hopefully, I have encouraged you to ponder this topic. If it does not apply to you, why are you so defensive? “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” We will have to agree to disagree on this topic.
Older women are instructed in Titus 2 by to “to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and ****pure****, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” If what your daughter is encouraged to do on the gym and performance floor pure, then it is wonderful and beneficial to her and those watching!
I think this passage gives my heart exactly, “You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is beneficial.” (1 Corinthians 10:23) Are there any other avenues you could take with your daughter that would be more edifying to her spirit or her future of being a wife and mother? If she is not doing suggestive moves, that is awesome. I am referring to those who are doing moves that in my day would have been thought provocative, slutty or be taken by men as a come on.
I hope you will pray for me and I will pray for you with sincere earnest heart. May you prosper and be at peace!
Kb
I’m sorry you read that as defensive, when in actuality, it was sad. I am sad that you have chosen to make assumptions about myself and my child based on a sport or activity that she chooses to be a part of, without ever meeting us or knowing anything about the activity. I invite you to come to visit Extreme- where my daughter has been a member for the past 8 years. Meet us, learn our hearts and then- if you feel we aren’t protecting our kids- feel free to make blanket statements. Just so you are aware, my daughter also participates in pageants, where she has more community service hours than anyone her age. But again, because all that is seen is the make-up and hair, you don’t know that she volunteered thousands of hours last year.
Jacqueline
Dear Kb, I don’t even know you or your daughter.. How can I make assumptions about you? I didn’t write it for or about you. This is an editorial and not directed at anyone, an opinion piece. You might say it is an ‘if the shoe fits, wear it’ editorial. If it doesn’t fit you, then don’t wear it 🙂 OK, friend?
Mark Jones Jr
We haven’t all stopped protecting. In fact, some of us are teaching our daughters to fight…
Chapter 1
The sun blazed overhead, and the wind was calm. Several trips to and from the car kept us from ever cooling off, so by the time we headed toward the gym your cheeks were already pink. On what seemed like an endless walk from the dormitory to the field house, you said several things that gave me a hint of the battle going on inside your heart. You missed your friend, wishing aloud she had come with you. You were nervous about your roommates, and there was an army of enormous girls, some seemingly twice your size, milling about in their athletic gear, carrying water bottles and basketball shoes, ready to make you look like a rookie. On top of it all, this was the first time you would spend three nights in a strange place where you didn’t know anyone.
When we walked into the gym, you were nervous. I could hear it in your voice. “Dad, ask them what we should do now?” Their answer didn’t ease the turmoil or calm the storm brewing in your heart. It fueled the next question, “Dad, where should I shoot?” After wandering deeper into the cavernous field house, we found space near a corner where you dropped your bag and pulled out your shoes. As I watched you lace them up, I imagined you dressing for battle. When you were done, however, you still needed some courage, so I helped us find an open court. We came upon one with very few other girls, who happened to be standing, not shooting. I suggested this one, and you seemed to agree, suggesting roughly that I go stand by the wall. You gritted your teeth, dribbled the ball, and lifted up a jump shot. Several minutes later, you seemed to find your rhythm, your heart now in time with the beat of each dribble, confidence growing.
When I left, it was with mixed emotions—I wish I could have stayed and watched you all week. If only you would tell me it would be okay. But you were already out on the court, so I mouthed a few words and signaled my plans to depart. You smiled when I waved. It was that smile, the real one, when your eyes light up and your face shines. That was my reassurance. There’s more to the story, but I want to emphasize a very important point.
You made a choice, in your heart, to attend even when no one went with you. You clenched your jaw and stepped out on the floor to face your nerves and maybe even some fears. You dug deep and found a place inside you where the will to press on flickered, and you fanned until it became a blazing flame. You did something hard and came away from it stronger. Remember that week. It was preparing you for something more.
You may not recall the roller coaster ride of emotion and nerves, and the surge of adrenalin is easily forgotten. So if you only remember one thing, I want it to be this: The next fight is going to be harder. The next fire is going to be hotter. But what waits for you at end is worth fighting for, and I want to show you why. To do that, I need to take you back to times you probably cannot remember, at least not very well.
Like one time, when you were almost six years old, I was in Iraq. I walked between the rows of sandbags and around the puddles of filth, as I made my way through long rows of modular housing units and eventually emerged near the courtyard fence, the one that separated the pool area from the summer palace of Saddam Hussein. I shuffled my feet across the wet patio and made my way to the red fifty-gallon drum filled with concrete, tilted and mounted at an angle, and pointed the barrel of my empty nine millimeter Beretta pistol into the three inch opening. I pulled back the slide, checked the empty chamber for the one hundredth time, and let it spring back into position. War is hell, not because of the intense violence, but because monotony and discouragement lay siege to the soul, and as they build their battlements and dig their trenches hope begins to drain from the heart. The mundane becomes the weapon of the enemy, chipping away at resolve, fighting its battle of attrition. As I holstered my pistol and turned from the clearing barrel, I made my way into the chow hall to wash my hands again, and dry them with something that felt like toilet paper when it wasn’t already soaked with water. As the soggy paper came apart in my hands, I tried to ignore the dull feeling deep inside.
That war is officially over. It started in 2001 when the skyline of New York was scarred by the fall of the Twin Towers, the World Trade Center. Just over a year later, you were born, and the war in Iraq started a few months after that. I fought in that war, a war that lasted longer than your life up to this point. Somewhere along the way, maybe between the sandbags, that war changed me. It taught me something.
But the fighting isn’t really over. In fact, it has just begun. A few months before the war ended, you were looking through Instagram, a social media technology that didn’t even exist when you were born. You love to see what others are doing, wearing, and saying. In that virtual world, you have friends and their parents, peers, and even older girls that you admire. As you scroll through, you are bombarded with things you shouldn’t have to see, things that make you question what you believe. Your mind is under attack. One time you unfollowed a friend. Another time you gave me your ipod and asked me to hold it for a month of digital fasting. You took a stand.
Sometimes the fighting spills over into everyday life. One time, it was almost ten o’clock, and I was lying in bed talking to mom while she was doing her nails. The two of you had just returned from a late shopping trip. You came in to tell us goodnight, and like you do sometimes, you leaned over the bed, laid your head on my shoulder, and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around you and held you, just a little bit longer than usual. And then your arms wrapped around behind me, a little bit tighter than normal. I felt you sinking into me. Then I felt the sobs. You didn’t need to say anything, because mom had already told me. I held you there until you stopped. You won’t remember that night for long. I’m okay with that.
But for me, that moment almost made up for a million that I missed during the war. In that moment, perhaps, my hug helped you stay in the fire. Then your tears doused the glowing embers that were left over from the day’s fiery trial. In that moment, the grit of life polished the diamond being formed in your heart, and without a single word I was able to whisper this question: “Do you know what’s worth fighting for?”
Chapter 2
I get the feeling that if I do this right I’m going to lose. If I fight the good fight and teach you what’s worth fighting for, I’ll end up losing you.
Someday perhaps, a beautiful young lady will stand at the entrance of a grand ballroom, perhaps one with a lighted ceiling that looks like clouds and evening sunlight. As the night goes on, the ceiling changes and gives the appearance of a setting sun. The sky changes colors and gives way to nightfall, to a million points of light that look like stars. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I see you standing at the entrance of the ballroom, waiting, beckoning me to give you my arm. You were always good at waiting for me to open your door. And now you impatiently plead for me to give you my arm. I extend it, as a gentleman should. You slip your hand through and interlace your satin covered arm in mine. You are more beautiful than the most beautiful princess, but it’s not just your gown or the your gloves or the sparkling diamond earrings. In your heart I see true beauty, a precious stone hardened by time and trials, transformed by resolve. We walk slowly down the aisle. It’s all you can do to contain your excitement. It takes all your willpower not to drag me down the aisle, but I want to linger, to make it last longer. I don’t want this walk to end.
To be at your side, a place I’ve been a thousand times before…
I don’t want to give you up.
My thoughts trail off when I hear the words as if they were spoken a million miles away, “…gives her away?” Someday perhaps, I will stand before a man who has won your heart. Someday, farther still, if I fight the good fight, I will stand before the One Who has won your heart and give you away.
That’s worth fighting for.
Chapter 3
You are worth fighting for.
In that mental picture I painted above, there is a paradox. There is something powerful in knowing what you what you are willing to give up to win. “Giving up” seems like a strange way to explain what’s worth fighting for. Some might confuse it with losing, but it’s the opposite of losing. The fact is, I don’t want you to be a good loser. What we are fighting for is so important that I want you to learn to win, to know how important it is to win. There are many paradoxes that I hope to explain, but I don’t know if I can. I’ve written and rewritten my thoughts a hundred times. What ends up on the page is chaotic and confusing. That seems like a good analogy for war and fighting. So perhaps it will help, if I start with a story closer to the beginning.
My face was in the sand. The sand was in my ears and in my nose, and every minute he was packing it thicker around every part of me—not every part, just the part of me I was trying to squeeze through the opening at the end of the tunnel. He was standing on top of a metal grate that pressed down into my back and shoulders. I gritted my teeth and started moving earth with any appendage that would cooperate. When it wasn’t propped on my frame, the grate was held up by two short cement walls that sloped from a height of about eighteen inches at the entrance of the crawl space to what appeared to be about three inches at the exit. In turn, the grate held up all three hundred pounds of him, the muscle-bound cadet who was a member of the assault course cadre. I shoved myself further into a tiny space packed with wet sand and my helmet-wrapped head. Grit filled my mouth as one gloved hand shoveled sand wherever it would go, out of the way.
Many years later, in Iraq, the dirt filled the air in a dense, humid cloud. The fog was made up of tiny particles of putrid smelling earth. As I walked through it, the tiny particles precipitated, fell from the fog and onto and into every part of me. Once in the office, brushing it off was a futile task that mostly resulted in rubbing it into wind-chapped skin. The only thing worth cleaning was my sidearm. The tile beneath me crunched with every movement of my feet, which sometimes rested on the floor and sometimes dangled from rungs of my chair. By the end of my eight or twelve-hour shift, the grit would work its way out of my ears. My hair at least, escaped unscathed, protected by the patrol cap that matched my airman battle uniform, the fancy name they gave to the camouflage utility uniform I now wore.
I often wondered if this is what it meant to be a warrior. I certainly did not feel like one here in this place. Perhaps before, on friendly soil, beneath the crushing weight of the basic training instructor, under the metal grate and the hot sun—there I felt like a warrior. Here, I sat beneath the crushing weight of other feelings that didn’t make my heart swell, thoughts you couldn’t shovel away. Here I didn’t sprint from place to place like I had on that obstacle course; but instead, I shuffled through the sand and gravel. Do you call it gravel when every stone is crushed into the sand? Usually the shuffle was the result of tired legs, the many miles I had run in the dark, hours before work started.
If you look up Baghdad on the internet, you can see a satellite photo of the city. I worked in a palace there. It was surreal—some of the commodes were gilded with 24 karat gold. The doors in some of the interior chambers were also covered in gold and protective glass cases. Everything–walls and floors–was marble. There was one rust colored stain on one of the gold doors, and rumor was that it was blood from one of Hussein’s victims, eliminated on a whim right there in those halls.
If you look closely at the satellite photos of Baghdad, you can still see a portion of the city described as the Green Zone, right near a part of the Tigris River that bends like an elbow, ninety degrees to the West. It then hooks almost immediately back to the right. Next to the bend in the river, you can find the Republican Palace. There is a road running behind the palace, in a rectangular sort of loop. The loop is shaped more like a wedge or a piece of pie but with the pointy end lopped off—that circuit is 1.1 miles long. I know that because I was training for a marathon while I lived there. You could run 0.8 miles, and then you would have to stop to show your palace badge to get through a security gate on the south side of the palace. The road behind the palace was 0.3 miles long, and then you had to exit out another security gate. Then back another 0.8 miles around the loop. The guards soon got to know me quite well. I would run at 4 o’clock in the morning, before the heat.
There were concrete barriers and bunkers and sandbags everywhere. I know that these details seem mundane. But life is made up of a million small moments, and thousands of these small-sized steps. The running was kind of an analogy for life there. I ran in circles for hours at a time, and the work was the same routine every single day for seven days a week for four months. We never had any days off.
I didn’t wear any headphones while I ran–I wasn’t allowed. You had to be able to hear the alarm sounding in the event that the camp went under attack, a real threat both historically and geographically—the area right across the river was a terrorist stronghold. As I’ve said before, we lived our lives in the shadow of an unpredictable danger, that some enemy would lob an improvised explosive device or mortar or rocket across the river and into our compound. We walked to work under skies that could be darkened by these shells. And we couldn’t fight back. We couldn’t look our enemy in the eye. In those dark hours, I may not have felt like a warrior, but I knew I was in a fight.
You too are in a fight.
You probably don’t believe me, or maybe you just find it really hard to believe. It’s hard to understand how much is at stake or grasp how important it is to defend the high ground. We cannot afford to give up a single inch of the terrain that we now occupy. Every little thing counts, even the ones that don’t feel significant. But I hope you believe me when I say, based on what I saw in that war over there and these battles right here, this is the battle that matters. The Enemy is more skilled and more deadly. His weapons and tactics have been perfected through countless battles, and many mighty warriors have fallen to His attacks. Now He wants you to see you fall. And when He attacks, there are no bunkers to hide in.
I have been charged to fight for your heart and mind and to prepare you for the fight.
Jacqueline
Mark, your writing has power to bring a 64 year old woman to tears! Poignant words, a ballad of the fight we are in. May we each one be found victorious before our King! Makes me think of 1 John 5: 3-5: “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome, because everyone born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world: our faith. Who then overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.…”
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story and keep up the good work of fighting for and teaching your daughter to fight the good fight!
1 Timothy 6: 11-12: “But you, O man of God, flee from these things and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made the good confession before many witnesses.”
Angel
As a woman who competed in pageants starting at the age of 6, I couldn’t agree with you more. For years I defended young girls competing in pageants as long as they wanted to ( I begged my mom to let me compete). The truth is I lost my identity in pageants. At 43, 125 pounds I struggle with my body image. I have an overwhelming desire to have a perfect body without any blemish. I have a strong desire for people to admire the way I look. It isn’t normal for me to feel this way and I contribute my years of pageantry to the problem. I did receive benefits from my years competing for crowns, but the negative out weigh the good by far.
Jacqueline
Thank you, Angel, for that from-the-heart insight! I am so thankful for your perspective here!
Blessings, J
Thomas
Great post! Have nice day ! 🙂 wowyx
Amy
I just came across this post and really enjoyed it. You put into words our feelings and basic philosophy of how we are trying to raise our daughters. I appreciate the book suggestions, we will definitely be looking into those!
Jacqueline
Amy, I am so happy when I find a family that still values character development for their children and also models it in the home! We serve a great God, and He will help you! James 1:5
Blessings, Jacque