(Creative Commons)
A post by Jennifer Flanders (Loving Life at Home), because we want marriages to thrive.
I received this question from one of my readers several months ago. I replied privately at the time, but with Valentine’s Day just passed (and all the attendant expectations wives sometimes muster up this time of year), I thought it might be a good idea to share my thoughts on this subject here.
Question:
What do I do when my husband doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me on cultivating our marriage?
… I have brought to my husband’s attention numerous times (in playful ways, trying not to nag) that I would love to go on a date with him again (I can’t remember the last time we did), spend some time alone, that I need some romance in my life. His response is generally a chuckle followed by a comment that we will “when we have the money.”
It’s been a couple months now… no date. No change. He is only really amorous when he or I initiate intimacy. We have friends I know would watch our son for free (we’ve done the same for them)…but I fear that if I give up on him initiating this and make all the plans myself, I will just resent him for not “being the man” and doing it himself.
I don’t want to whine to him. I pray about it and ask God to make this a priority to him…. I’ve also prayed that God would change MY heart to be content with the romance in the mundane…. It’s not as easy a fix as I had hoped.
He was so romantic and creative when we were dating! Homemade desserts, hikes, galas, long chats on long walks, and he always initiated it which I LOVED.
How do I get that side of him back?
Any suggestions are most appreciated.
Answer:
Please forgive me for taking so long to reply. I promise I didn’t forget about you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for your situation.
Reading between the lines of your letter [abridged for this post], I can almost hear you thinking things like this:
- If my husband really loved me, he’d understand why this is so important to me.
- If he really cared, he would see how desperately I need a break.
- Our relationship is obviously more of a priority to me than it is to him, otherwise, he’d want to nurture it, too.
- Planning a date is really my husband’s responsibility. It won’t mean as much if I do it.
- A real man would want to romance his wife after marriage as enthusiastically as he did before.
- If I give in and start planning our dates myself, he’ll lose all initiative and never plan another date.
Let me just say that all these thoughts are lies straight from the pit of Hell. Don’t listen to them.
Satan is trying to blind you to the wonderful things your husband is doing, by focusing your attention on what he isn’t doing. Don’t fall prey to that trick, or the hurt you’re feeling now will grow and fester until you are completely bitter and malcontented.
It is obvious from the [omitted] details of your letter that your husband is very devoted. He cooks dinner, helps with cleaning, is a wonderful father — all while working on a difficult post-graduate degree. It’s obvious your plate is very full during this season, as well: working full-time, caring for a toddler, carrying a new baby (which in itself can be exhausting and — as you intimated — can wreak havoc on your emotions).
Please just accept the fact that you are in the midst of a demanding time of life, but that all those challenges will eventually pass (to inevitably be replaced by new ones). You will not always be deprived of sleep. Your husband will eventually finish that degree. Your pregnancy hormones will dissipate once you’ve delivered. Your husband may even rediscover the creativity he put to such good use when you were dating.
Maybe You Plan That Date Night
In the meantime, I would recommend that you stop hinting and start acting. If you are desperate for a date night with your husband, go ahead and plan a date yourself. Tell him that it’s important to you, but that you know he’s busy with school and are more than happy to make the necessary arrangements, so what day would work best for his schedule? Line up the free babysitting and make it a night to remember.
Let yourself enjoy it just as thoroughly as if he had planned it instead of you. Your carefree smile — with no undertones of resentment or disappointment — will remind your husband of the girl he pursued so creatively when you were dating. And that will be good for your marriage.
When I was dating my husband, he wrote me lots and lots of letters. That really stole my heart, because I’m a big letter writer myself, and I loved the fact that we shared this in common. We’ve been married 28 years, and I could probably count on one hand the number of letters he’s written me since the wedding (although he often writes himself notes of things he wants to tell me when he gets home from work, a habit I adore).
The letters are no longer necessary, because we are together every single evening and can talk face to face. (We can also do other things now that we’re married that were out-of-bounds before. I’d trade all the romance and creativity and correspondence that characterized our dating for the “mundane” pleasures of married life in a heartbeat.)
Nevertheless, that has not always been my attitude. When I was in your shoes — married just a few years with a couple of babies, roller-coaster hormones, shoestring budget, and a husband working on a very difficult professional degree — I threw my fair share of pity parties.
Although I was completely blind to it at the time, I was being extremely selfish and self-centered. I’m convinced our marriage would not have survived had God not changed my attitude, so that I stopped focusing on perceived shortcomings in my husband and on trying to change him, and instead woke up to my own shortcomings and allowed God to change me.
A friend of mine recently told me of a romantic getaway date she and her husband (also a physician) had taken this summer. She was still elated from the wonderful time they had together, and smiled broadly as she explained to me how she’d planned the whole thing herself: She called her husband’s office and asked the receptionist not to schedule any patients for the days he’d be out of town. She bought the airline tickets and booked the hotel. She packed the bags and then picked him up from work and drove him to the airport. She said that as she pulled into the parking space, he looked her in the eyes and said, “Thank you! Thank you so much for making this happen.”
They both knew it wouldn’t have happened otherwise, as the responsibilities of running a busy practice would have convinced him he couldn’t take time away.
But she also knew that making that time was important for both of them, and in the long run, it really didn’t matter who made the reservations.
Jennifer Flanders holds a Bachelor of Science in Mathematics from Dallas Baptist University, where she met her husband in 1986. She completed two years of graduate work at Southern Methodist University in the same field before they began their family. As the mother of twelve, her specialty is (obviously) multiplication, but her educational background has also come in handy while teaching her children everything from counting to calculus.
Jennifer is passionate about strengthening marriages and encouraging families. She is a popular speaker and has published several books. Be sure to check out her blog Loving Life at Home for tips on homeschooling, organization, and saving money—plus lots and lots of free printables.
I bought a copy of Paul David Tripp’s transparent book, What Did You Expect?, for our each of our young adult children. Rather than muddying the waters with self-focused strategies designed to meet our ever-multiplying needs, Paul, as the seasoned soul-physician he is, correctly diagnoses our problems and provides the cure — humble faith in Jesus Christ.
If you’ve been encouraged or informed by something you’ve read here at Deep Roots, please consider liking my page on Facebook, joining us on Pinterest, or subscribing to the helpful email resources. Thank you!
Leah
I completely agreed with the young wife, when I was a young wife. Now as I approach my 20th anniversary, I understand and agree with the response from Jennifer Flanders. My husband was different after marriage and children, but so was I. I had to be willing to admit that, and also to accept him, not “expect him”, so to speak.
God worked within me from prayer, and time is an amazing teacher for husbands…and wives. We also maintained our intimacy over the years. Protect your love for him, don’t believe the lies from the enemy. Prayer is powerful. God bless you!
Katie
I understand all the article, but how do you handle it when your husband doesn’t want to go on a date no matter who plans it? It is not the planning of a date, he just doesn’t want to go on a date.
Jacqueline
Sadly, Katie, that is a different situation, and there are many men who just don’t want to participate in a marriage.
I wish I had adequate words to reduce the pain you must feel. I don’t have any words, but I can pray and you can pray and ask the Lord to intervene in your husband’s heart. If you are being abused or are in danger, you should run and get to a safe place. Otherwise, maybe your husband will agree to go to biblical counseling.
Are you a believer in Jesus Christ? Then you are not alone. You have a true friend/husband who will not leave you or forsake you. Call on Him and cling to Him for help and wisdom about what to do. He will lead you as you seek Him.
I am praying, dear one. Do you have a good church that you can find support in?
Please watch this movie for some answers if you do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ! https://www.livingwaters.com/movies/
Warm hugs, Jacque
Robyn Gibson
Does your husband initiate in other “romantic” areas other than a “date night?” Like, “Hey let’s play a game of cards.” Or, “I wanted to watch this movie, come and watch with me.” Or, “Let’s go for a walk after dinner.” Are you the social planner for the two of you? The reason I ask is because of the comment in your letter: “… but I fear that if I give up on him initiating this and make all the plans myself, I will just resent him for not “being the man” and doing it himself.”
Nicole
While I was single I worked in a busy salon and got to listen to many women with the same issue. I vowed I would never sabotage my relationship with a husband with those unrealistic expectations. Years later I found myself doing the exact things I vowed I would not do. I promptly repented and stated to help him instead. For holidays and occasions instead of believing if he loved me he would know what I liked or wanted, I started to cut out ads from the paper for places i would like to go especially on free admission events. put catalogs in his in box with items circled that I liked so he could choose from items he knew I favored. Do I wish he could do it on his own? Of course, but I also know he overlooks many many of my short comings in areas he would like me to be better in! How easy it is to only see our wants and needs not being met. I want to help him, I AM his helpmate. And when I thank him for the perfect date or gift, that it was just what I’d hoped for – well that smile he has, PRICELESS!
Jacqueline
Nicole! What a neat story and what a blessed man you have 🙂
Thank you for *getting* this message and building your marriage instead of tearing it down! 🙂
So glad you shared!
Francie
I must say that I respectfully disagree. I’ve been married for nine years with an eight year old daughter. Nine years isn’t long, but it’s enough to give me enough experience to speak up. My own husband and I were having this issue. But it wasn’t just date nights. It was also ME who was initiating affection, planning family outings, date nights, and doing sweet things for him. He was just sitting back and letting me do ALL the work in our marriage.
I’m glad I didn’t just pray for a change of perspective. I had already done that and it didn’t work. My husband had plenty of time and energy but had just grown lazy and apathetic being only happy to let me do everything.
Finally I put my foot down and told him how I was feeling and we’ve had arguments about it. But after me making a fuss he is putting a lot more effort into marriage maintenance. I have listened to many professional Christian counselors say that a man should never stop courting his wife. Of COURSE things will never be exactly the same as they were before we got married, but I am glad I finally spoke up. No one likes to be taken for granted. And satan has nothing to do with that. Communication in marriage is a good thing. And even if things don’t work out the way we want, holding it all in is what leads to resentment. With that being said, I do think we have to always take circumstances into account. That’s where discernment comes in.
Jacqueline
Thanks for you comment Francie!
Rebecca
Thank you for this incredible blog. I only stumbled across it recently, but everyday I find myself reading dozens of articles. This is the teaching us younger women need from those women who have been there before us. The only other place I have found teaching like this is in my mother who I am so blessed to have and from a very dear homeschooling family who I have known for years. There are just way too many blogs out there that have a whinge about mother hood, and while some of its funny, it usually ends up just being degrading and achieving nothing, leaving the same feeling of emptiness.
The articles here are so different cover such a wide range of topics. I am so grateful to have found it. Thank you and God Bless. <3
Jacqueline
Awww… Thank you, Rebecca! It’s my pleasure and joy to write, but it is all the Lord and nothing in me really. Sometimes I think I have no right to share things because I am such a sinner. We didn’t parent perfectly and I make a lot of mistakes! Somewhat like telling your child to be patient when you yourself are so impatient (even if I don’t always let it show) ?
God bless you!
Nils
What about if your wife doesn’t want date nights? My wife is more than happy to spend fun nights and days out with her friends, with my MIL, even with herself – but when it comes to me she doesn’t seem to think it’s important to do anything more involved than sitting on the opposite side of the living room playing on her phone. I try to suggest dates – I plan things, I follow up on things she enjoys, I suggest things we’ve done in the past and that we used to love doing together, special events in the area – nada.
And no, I don’t mean sex, and I’m not trying to use date nights just to get sex, and my wife knows that I don’t have any ulterior motives along those lines. Our sex life is fine. I just want to emotionally connect with my wife but it seems that she just doesn’t see the importance of it. (To ward off anything else that people could project on to this: I also do all of the cooking and most of the chores, so it’s not that she’s exhausted after hours of work but I’m full of energy after days at a time not leaving the easy chair. We don’t even have an easy chair.)
Jacqueline
Oh, Nils, my heart goes out to you.
I don’t really have an answer, but I feel somewhat sad for your wife.. How many wives desire the exact same thing you describe you feel.
My only advise is to keep your eyes on the Lord and do not give into despair or look in other places for that “special” relationship. It may be the Lord will/or is already working on her (we never know what He will do to get her attention if she is unsaved or lukewarm!) She has to be lonely.
Second, ask God to show you any root or seed of a problem you personally may have. It may be that you have enabled her to be lazy as it is her job to maintain your home or have an agreement of division of work. I feel the huge pressure on women to work outside of the home and value career over family, is one of the greatest problems out culture faces. . (you’re talking to an older woman here who believes the traditional complementary roles are there for many reasons and ordained by our Creator).
I am praying now for you and for her.
Grace and peace! ~j
Connie
What about when he will do things but the 33-year old stepdaughter always has to go with us. Very seldom do we get to do things by ourselves? So frustrating I would love to be able to go and do things just the two of us. When my 2 daughters graduated and moved out I was so excited that we would finally get to go and do things with no kids. But his daughter feels like she needs to hang out with DAddy all the time even weekends when we are just home working around the house. And I have mentioned it to him and he always says oh he will work on it. Ugh, we seriously need time to ourselves and it never gets to happen. I have no idea how to handle it anymore and it is really starting to affect our marriage.
Jacqueline
Connie, I do not have any suggestions other than to appeal to him and simply tell him you NEED him and want to have him all to your self, kind of in a flirty, come-to-Mama way!
Does flirting with him work to open his heart? If not, I would just pray and be as much fun to be around as possible. Laugh at his jokes like you used to (and still may), and carry on with him like you were dating again.
It may not be where he is right now. I will pray on this end, and we can ask the Lord to soften him heart to you as his beloved wife. The Lord can move mountains!
Warm hugs! Jacque
PS I get so few dates, and think for my husband he is just content to be around home, no dates needed!