Dear married friend, “Are you still romancing your man?”
Do you remember before you married how you desired to be the best you could be for you man? I spent time and large amounts of effort romancing him. I took time to have shiny and bouncy hair, worried about my complexion, my eyebrows, my teeth and breath, and wanted to show him how special he was in every way. I saw to the tiniest details of my wardrobe and the meals I made whenever he came to visit.
As I think back to our dating days, its fun to reminisce on the ways we pursued one another and how easy romancing came. They were exciting days. There were funny notes, letters in the mail, spontaneous calls, double dates, special photos, walks between classes, and endless talks. We pursued each other. Almost every relationship begins this way. But as a relationship progresses and time goes by, there comes a temptation to stop romancing your spouse.
Things begin to become routine and less romantic, but secretly, your husband would love you to continue pursuing him.
In his classic book, My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes,
“Human nature, if it is healthy, demands excitement. And if it does not obtain its thrilling excitement in the right way, it will seek it in the wrong. God never made bloodless stoics, He made passionate saints.”
That’s a perceptive quote, because it seems to be one of the ways God loves His people – He hardwired us to desire adventure and excitement.
Romantic love was His design to carry us all the way through married life.
Song of Solomon provides a rich, poetic description of what a intimate, sexual, relationship between man and wife should be like. The book begins: “May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! … Draw me after you and let us run together!” ~Song of Solomon 1: 2,4
Your husband NEEDS you to be passionate about him!
When the assumption creeps in that “he’s mine now”, we think we don’t need to try to catch him or woo him anymore. How very destructive to a healthy and intimate relationship!
I want to be a wife who keeps dating my husband, not because I fear losing him, but because I still deeply love him even though I clearly see his flaws. Because I see the flaws in him. Romancing your husband can inspire him to greater things.
Passion doesn’t need to stop with age.
Romancing Your Man.
Some of these ideas aren’t unique to me, but I have kept a list. Here are just a few little ways to woo, pursue, and empower your man to greater things:
- Rub his neck, feet, or scratch his back after a hard day.
- Creatively give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
- Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
- Cheer along with the children when he walks in the door after a long day.
- The first minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. Try to make that a happy time. Kiss him and nuzzle his 5 0’clock shadow like you used to.
- Tell him you both love him AND like him.
- Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants to be intimate.
- Brag on him to other people both in front of him and when he’s not there.
- Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
- Do little things for him – bring him coffee, clean his shoes, tend his dry cleaning, make his favorite cookies, etc.
- Wink at him from across the room when you’re in a group.
- Take him out on dates occasionally, even if he won’t plan them – find what he likes, pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
- Look your best – dress to honor him when you’re out together. Ask him what he likes.
- Be genuine and look for real instances on which to compliment him often.
- Leave a sticky note on the steering wheel: “I love being your wife! Ask me about this tonight.”
- If it fits his personality, kiss him in public. Be appropriate but playful. Your children will love it!
- Occasionally dress up, fix your hair a new way, and apply some red (or your own special color) lipstick to keep him guessing 😉 Laugh together!
Break Down the Walls, Show the Desire.
Through affirmation and affection, you can let your husband know he is desired and still lights your fire. Men want to know that their wives (even after many years) still have deep feelings and emotions for them. It’s not true that all he cares about is sex. He absolutely does care about it, but he also wants to be wanted. Be a wife who is able to initiate physical intimacy.
Ladies, I have not always been the best at romancing, but I am learning. It takes prayer and planning and love. So much can be accomplished by LOVE. Love is the greatest thing. By unselfishly loving your man, you can unlock his potential and free him to be all that God designed him to be.
It is so worth it.
And ladies… if you struggle really liking your husband some days, learn that you really are his queen and have great power for good! J.R. Miller describes it this way:
“A true wife makes a man’s life nobler, stronger, grander, by the omnipotence of her love… She inspires him with courage and earnestness. She beautifies his life. She softens whatever is rude and harsh in his habits or his spirit. She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood. While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path.”
I bought a copy of Paul David Tripp’s transparent book, What Did You Expect?, for our each of our young adult children. Rather than muddying the waters with self-focused strategies designed to meet our ever-multiplying needs, Paul, as the seasoned soul-physician he is, correctly diagnoses our problems and provides the cure — humble faith in Jesus Christ.
Friends, in what ways do you romance your husband? Ask yourself, how do you make him feel loved and treasured?