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This post by Cari Dugan is shared here with her permission.
Even though the events surrounding the Duggars has become totally old news, I have a question for you all..
And no, it has nothing to do with if I think Josh is still responsible for his actions as a teen? Or if I think the Duggars handled the situation correctly? Or if Anna should have packed her bags and run for the hills? The Duggars trials were a messy and heartbreaking situation that left me speechless. Sexual abuse is evil, it ruins families and it destroys people.
What I want to know is this…
What is going on in YOUR home? At YOUR church? At YOUR playground?
Did you know that statistically 1 out of 5 girls, and 1 out of 20 boys are reported to have been sexually abused ? And that roughly 63% of their predators are family members, or close friends?
Shocked? You shouldn’t be.
The Duggars scandal should wake us all up
This isn’t a new problem. It is an horrific , and troubling age-old one. Sexual abuse is rampant. And it often happens under our very noses, in our own homes. Yes. In our own homes. Behind closed doors, under comfy blankets, and under the pine tree in the backyard. While your children sleep.
Yet, it is often ignored simply by our ignorance and naivety . How often have we seen a heart-wrenching case like the Duggars and say, “Not me. Not my children. Not my family. “So we close our laptops, shut off the tv, and go on with our own lives thinking, “Thank God I don’t have to face that kind of horror in my four walls.” And breathe a sigh of relief.
I am sorry to say but your home is not invisible. Sadly, neither is mine.
So with staggering statistics as these, how can we possibly protect our children? How can we safeguard them from becoming another victim?
I believe we can at least try to with awareness and prevention.
Properly educate your child on their bodies with proper verbiage. Does saying p—- or v—– embarrass you? My suggestion is to get over it and get over it fast. Giving correct bodily names inhibits an abuser to keep a victim quiet if an incident should occur.
Children should learn to know that their bodies were made for them, and for them alone. We should teach our kids to love and respect their own bodies, but we should also teach them to respect other’s bodies as well. Clearly define what behavior is appropriate and what is not.
However, you can’t define behavior if you don’t talk about it. Sex should not be a curiosity. But refusing to bring up the subject makes it a dangerous one. Especially when children approach puberty, and so many hormonal changes are occurring. If you aren’t fostering an environment where questions can be asked, Google will. And that is one place you don’t want them to receive their education from. Quench their natural curiosity with truth.
We can safeguard our kids by empowering them to be their own advocates. Encourage your children to trust their own instincts. I know it is well-intentioned, but I inwardly cringe when a parent scolds a child for not greeting me with a hug. If you find your son or daughter wary of an adult, give them permission to set up their own boundaries. In other words, don’t ever force a child to be physical with someone against their own will. Even if that adult is a trusted family member or close friend. Giving them the lead only reinforces the fact that they are in charge of their own bodies, and that “No” means NO.
Teach them that if anyone approaches them with a question that is inappropriate or makes them feel yucky or uneasy to run to you as fast as they can. Scream. Yell. Kick. Claw. A child should know to do whatever it takes to flee from a potential abuser.
Again, they don’t know this if you don’t tell them. So talk to your children. Prayerfully and purposefully.
Also, be aware of sudden attitude changes or emotions that seem out of character. Sometimes a child isn’t always able to verbalize what is bothering them, so their feelings come out subtly in other actions. Maybe they are more moody than normal, maybe they don’t want to eat, or have separation anxiety, or their grades do a sudden dip in school. Pay attention, listen, and ask the hard questions.
I repeat, ask the hard questions. Even if you are fearful of what those answers may be. A simple question may be what stops abuse from occurring or reoccurring. Sometimes a child won’t talk about abuse because he/she truly believes they are at fault, and guilty somehow. Shame keeps them from coming forward, so the abuse continues. Make sure to assure your child again and again, that if someone touches their body inappropriately that they are NEVER to blame.
Discourage family secrets. Or any secrets for that matter. Encourage open and free conversation. Let your little ones know that they can come to you to discuss any issue, at any time. Also, be sure to point out other “safe” adults that they trust that they can talk to as well. No topic should be banned from the household, including questions and concerns about sex.
Give Them A Voice
Don’t let your guard down, EVER. Even in your own home. Monitor play-dates, limit sleepovers to a few that you wholeheartedly trust and still be watchful, and initiate an open door rule when children are playing and company is over. In our home we have also initiated the no closet rule. Innocent games like doctor and house make my mama radar sound off. Paranoid? Maybe. I’d rather ere on the side of prevention and caution, than my children being scarred.
Sometimes we can be the best of parents, yet still we are unable to prevent abuse. The thought is truly heartbreaking and causes me to lose sleep at night. The unfortunate news, as with the Duggar scandal, is that we can’t be in all places at all times. We also aren’t in control of other’s malicious intentions, which is a sobering reality.
But IF something similar to the Duggars happens in your home, with YOUR child, please seek professional help immediately. For both for the abuser AND the victim. Don’t sweep the abuse under the carpet as if it never happened. Don’t simply scold and move on. Don’t EVER place blame on the victim. And most certainly don’t allow the victim and abuser to continue to live together and happened in the Duggars case.
Fight for your children, Mamas. Even if your pride and reputation is at stake, even if it is the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to do.
Why?
Because your children’s lives hold value and they need to know it. They need to know that you will go to the end of the earth for their protection, and for their welfare. That you will fight for them until your knuckles bleed. They need to know that they are loved.
Protection from sexual abuse starts with you, Moms and Dads. As your little one’s primary caretaker you are responsible for their safety. So be aware. Be present. Pay attention.
Know What Goes On In Your Home!
Cari Dugan is a lifestyle photographer and writer in Minneapolis Minnesota. She writes candidly about everyday life and experiences on being a wife and a mother on her blog Dugans InCahoots. You can also keep up with her on Instagram (@cariduganphotography ) Her husband, and three children make life what it is – A Beautiful Mess.
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“For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help.” ~Psalm 72:12
“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” ~James 1:5
Resources:
- Help from the Healer after sexual abuse
- Wes Stafford’s story of sexual abuse in Africa
- How God gives you wisdom
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Thanks for reading!
Nikki says
Before I forget: I follow you on Pinterest and when I clicked the pin, it led me back to your main site instead of this blog post. I just thought you should know.
I’m glad you mentioned the part about the abuser playing “house” and playing “doctor”. I would’ve never thought of that.
My mother told me several times throughout my childhood that it wasn’t okay for anyone to touch my vagina or put anything in it. She began to cry and she expressed that she didn’t want anything to happen to me. When I got older she told me that she was raped by someone she knew, and that’s why she hammered that into my head.
Unfortunately, I never told her about the sexual harassment and sexual assault (butt & breasts were grabbed) I experienced. The sexual assault didn’t bother me as much as the sexual harassment did. I still wonder if I should tell her.
Jacqueline says
Nikki, It might be helpful to talk with your loving Mama about it. She obviously loves you dearly and may have great words of wisdom to apply especially since she has been through it herself. Also, prayer together is VERY healing. The Lord is a great Physician and wants none of us to feel guilt and shame over something that we had no control over. I think of this for you: Psalm 34:18 –
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Some of the best healing comes from staying in the Word of God: “He sent out ***his word*** and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.” ~Psalm 107:20
Nikki, I am praying for you and your dear Mama. It also occurs to me that you could b a part of your mom’s healing…it may be she is still suffering.
Hilary says
Dear Ms. Jacqueline,
The Lord has used you once again in my life, my friend! I have not entered the “Dugger discussion” up to this point. This post takes the emphasis off of them and onto us – me! Our children have recently been presented with new “opportunities” that only require us to let our standard down a wee bit. Just a little bit of compromise in the area of safe-guarding our children. We have felt that the Lord would have us reject the opportunity and hold to our standards of protection. It is not a popular or an easy decision. This post has confirmed our thoughts all along. Thank you! Mostly, Thank the Lord for His leadership! Surely He is able to keep us from falling and present us before Him with great joy! There IS safety as we humble ourselves and follow His leading. God bless you for your bold stand and for allowing this young lady the platform to encourage us to keep up our guard and stay at our posts.
Bless you, dear friend.
Hilary at Wholesome Reads
Jacqueline says
Oh, I am just throwing up my hands in praise!!
I was so conflicted about guest posting this particular topic…it is indeed VERY HARD to talk about! But you add the VERY scripture from Jude that the Lord has had before me for the last weeks! Jude 1: 24-25, I think! I have been singing it in the garden, the laundry room, and at the kitchen sink in tears of praise as I seek Him for direction in some very thorny matters! And so He has used it with you all, as well! Just like our dear Lord through the Holy Spirit!
Stand fast, dear Mama, and the as Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, do… as to the Lord *rather than men*, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” We must not make our decisions on things like sleep overs and play dates, etc. out of pressure or to keep from being judged…I am praying for wisdom for you and your dear family right now!
Here is the music I was singing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azxhdEKTfag …maybe it would be good to memorize it with the children 🙂
Sherry says
Thanks for linking up and sharing with us at Funtastic Friday. Hope you join us again this week.
Leticia Justus says
I plan to refer and link-up this Post very soon in my upcoming Post in my series “say YES to No” . Would that be ok with you ?
Thank you , Leticia
Jacqueline says
Sure, Leticia! I am thankful for it. It is time for parents to be vigilant. Thanks for getting the word out!
Blessings!
Jill says
I’m a little late here, but I was encouraged by this post. I have a strained relationship with my father. For as long as I can remember I have felt physically uncomfortable around him, and more recently have wondered if anything inappropriate ever happened. Obviously not wanting to accuse or even suggest something so terrible out loud, I decided to quietly forgive him and set it aside – because I have no actual memory attached to this feeling.
I have two very young daughters now, however, and cannot allow them into a situation with him with this feeling unresolved. So I obsessively and tearfully protect them from any alone time with him. Unfortunately, it is becoming more and more difficult to do this quietly. However, he is their grandfather, and wants to spend time with them. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
Jacqueline says
Wow, Jill, that is a tough one. I would certainly pray for wisdom first – and probably you have. Depending on their ages it might be appropriate to simply tell them that ANY TIME or ANYONE (even say “like an uncle or grandpa or a neighbor boy or person in authority”) makes them feel funny or icky or uncomfortable or uneasy (a touch or even just nearness), they have full permission to back off to a safe distance or even run…no questions asked depending on the seriousness of the situation. I think you could go there, stay nearby, but not leave them alone. Always have a viable reason (excuse) ready as to why. BE totally loving but firm. There is no reason to burn bridges as far as you know, but your daughters will see you still being loving but alert as you would be anywhere else. I’m praying for you, Jill. Do a search on the web about this topic and how to talk with your children. Last thought: encourage your girls to tell you everything and be available so they feel they can share with you through their young lives right into their adult years. It has been invaluable in the relationship with our children and helped us avoid so many problems. God bless you <3
Lucy says
I don’t generally post on sites but feel compelled to do so here.
I was abused on every level for first 16 years of my life by both “parents” + 26 permitted friends.
I was unable to have children of my own, my body is just too messed up, I have however raised 7 children when their own parents were unable/unwilling.
I had no wish to frighten my little ones, but they needed protection and so I taught them all that the area covered by vests and knickers (pants for boys) was theirs and only theirs.
If any one tried to touch them in those places and it made them not feel right then shout ‘No’ very loudly.
Even if it was a grown up they knew or a doctor, police person. I told them that if these grown ups were doing things to make them better, then they would not be cross and they would tell them why they had to touch.
If anyone was cross then tell a ‘safe’ grown up. Even if they were told bad things would happen to them, or family members. This would not be true.
I told them some people who looked and sounded nice, sadly had a little broken piece in their heads, this meant they couldn’t be safe.
So telling was a way to help them, because people would then know about the broken piece and be able to help.
Thankfully all my children are grown now, most with their own children who I know are being taught these lessons.
I hope they help others as sadly “stranger danger” is much rarer than incest and close family friend abuse.
Jacqueline says
My heart is breaking for you and all who have had these horrible things happen to them. You are in my prayers, dear Lucy! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us all. (((Hugs)))