Image by Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay
“Kids today are in a devastating emotional state! Most come to school emotionally unavailable for learning. There are many factors in our modern lifestyle that contribute to this.” ~V.P.
In her practice, my friend Victoria Prooday, OT is seeing something so widespread and alarming that I asked if I could share her thoughts. Due to the overwhelming interest and conversation on this topic, I am re-sharing her post. This article is also now translated into German and Russian. Spanish is coming soon!
I encourage every parent who cares about the future of his/her children to read it. I know that many would choose not to hear what she says in the article, but your children need you to hear this message.
Victoria writes:
I am an occupational therapist with years of experience working with children, parents, and teachers. I completely agree with this teacher’s message that our children are getting worse and worse in many aspects.
I hear the same consistent message from every teacher I meet. Clearly, throughout my time as an Occupational Therapist, I have seen and continue to see a decline in children’s social, emotional, and academic functioning, as well as a sharp increase in learning disabilities and other diagnoses.
As we know, the brain is malleable. Through environment, we can make the brain “stronger” or make it “weaker”. I truly believe that, despite all our greatest intentions, we unfortunately remold our children’s brains in the wrong direction.
Here is why:
1. Kids get everything they want when they want it
“I am Hungry!!” “In a sec I will stop at the drive thru” “I am Thirsty!” “Here is a vending machine.” “I am bored!” “Use my phone!” The ability to delay gratification is one of the key factors for future success. We have the best intentions — to make our child happy — but unfortunately, we make them happy at the moment but miserable in the long term. To be able to delay gratification means to be able to function under stress. Our children are gradually becoming less equipped to deal with even minor stressors, which eventually become huge obstacles to their success in life.
The inability to delay gratification is often seen in classrooms, malls, restaurants, and toy stores. The moment the child hears “No”, they react with belligerence because parents have taught their child’s brain to get what it wants right away.
2. Limited social interaction
We are all busy, so we give our children digital gadgets and make them “busy” too. Kids used to play outside, where, in unstructured natural environments, they learned and practiced their social skills.
Unfortunately, technology replaced the outdoor time. Also, technology made the parents less available to socially interact with their child. Obviously, our kids fall behind… the babysitting gadget is not equipped to help kids develop social skills. Most successful people have great social skills. This is the priority!
The brain is just like a muscle that is trainable and re-trainable. If you want your child to be able to bike, you teach him biking skills. If you want your child to be able to wait, you need to teach that child patience. If you want your child to be able to socialize, you need to teach him social skills. The same applies to all the other skills. There is no difference!
3. Endless fun
We have created an artificial fun world for our children. There are no dull moments. The moment it becomes quiet, we run to entertain them again, because otherwise, we feel that we are not doing our parenting duty.
We live in two separate worlds. They have their “fun“ world, and we have our “work” world. Why aren’t children helping us in the kitchen or with laundry? Why don’t they tidy up their toys? This is basic monotonous work that trains the brain to be workable and function under “boredom,” which is the same “muscle” that is required to be eventually teachable at school.
When they come to school and it is time for handwriting their answer is “I can’t. It is too hard. Too boring.” Why? Because the workable “muscle” is not getting trained through endless fun. It gets trained through work.
4. Kids & technology
Using technology as a “Free babysitting service” is, in fact, not free at all. The payment is waiting for you just around the corner. We pay with our kids’ nervous systems, with their attention, and with their ability for delayed gratification.
Compared to virtual reality, everyday life is boring. When kids come to the classroom, they are exposed to human voices and adequate visual stimulation as opposed to being bombarded with the graphic explosions and special effects that they are used to seeing on the screens. After hours of virtual reality, processing information in a classroom becomes increasingly challenging for our kids because their brains are getting used to the high levels of stimulation that video games provide. The inability to process lower levels of stimulation leaves kids vulnerable to academic challenges. Technology also disconnects us emotionally from our children and our families.
Parental emotional availability is the main nutrient for child’s brain. Unfortunately, we are gradually depriving our children of that nutrient.
36 seconds:
5. Kids rule the world
“My son doesn’t like vegetables.” “She doesn’t like going to bed early.” “He doesn’t like to eat breakfast.” “She doesn’t like toys, but she is very good at her iPad” “He doesn’t want to get dressed on his own.” “She is too lazy to eat on her own.” This is what I hear from parents all the time. Since when do children dictate to us how to parent them? If we leave it all up to them, all they are going to do is eat macaroni and cheese and bagels with cream cheese, watch TV, play on their tablets, and never go to bed.
What good are we doing them by giving them what they WANT when we know that it is not GOOD for them? Without proper nutrition and a good night’s sleep, our kids come to school irritable, anxious, and inattentive. In addition, we send them the wrong message. They learn they can do what they want and not do what they don’t want.
The concept of “need to do” is absent. Unfortunately, in order to achieve our goals in our lives, we have to do what’s necessary, which may not always be what we want to do. For example, if a child wants to be an A student, he needs to study hard. If he wants to be a successful soccer player, he needs to practice every day. Our children know very well what they want, but have a very hard time doing what is necessary to achieve that goal. This results in unattainable goals and leaves the kids disappointed.
Train their brain
You can make a difference in your child’s life by training your child’s brain so that your child will successfully function on social, emotional, and academic levels. Here is how:
1. Don’t be afraid to set the limits. Kids need limits to grow happy and healthy!!
- Make a schedule for meal times, sleep times, technology time
- Think of what is GOOD for them- not what they WANT/DON’T WANT. They are going to thank you for that later on in life. Parenting is a hard job. You need to be creative to make them do what is good for them because, most of the time, that is the exact opposite of what they want.
- Kids need breakfast and nutritious food. They need to spend time outdoor and go to bed at a consistent time in order to come to school available for learning the next day!
- Convert things that they don’t like doing/trying into fun, emotionally stimulating games
2. Limit technology, and re-connect with your kids emotionally
- Surprise them with flowers, share a smile, tickle them, put a love note in their backpack or under their pillow, surprise them by taking them out for lunch on a school day, dance together, crawl together, have pillow fights
- Have family dinners, board game nights (see the list of my favorite board games), go biking, go to outdoor walks with a flashlight in the evening
3. Train delayed gratification
- Make them wait!!! It is ok to have “I am bored“ time – this is the first step to creativity
- Gradually increase the waiting time between “I want” and “I get”
- Avoid technology use in cars and restaurants, and instead teach them waiting while talking and playing games
- Limit constant snacking
4. Teach your child to do monotonous work from early years as it is the foundation for future “workability”
- Folding laundry, tidying up toys, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, setting the table, making lunch, unpacking their lunch box, making their bed
- Be creative. Initially make it stimulating and fun so that their brain associates it with something positive.
5. Teach social skills
- Teach them turn taking, sharing, losing/winning, compromising, complimenting others , using “please and thank you”
From my experience as an occupational therapist, the kids changes the moment parents change their perspective on parenting. Help your kids succeed in life by training and strengthening their brain sooner rather than later!
Victoria holds a Master of Science in Occupational Therapy from the Medical School at University of Toronto and a Bachelor of Science in Kinesiology and Health Science from York University. She is founder and director of a multidisciplinary clinic in Toronto, Canada, for children with behavioral, social, emotional and academic challenges. Victoria, along with her team, has helped hundreds of families across Canada and around the world and is a frequent guest speaker to teachers, parents and professionals.
Shared with Victoria’s written permission.
This article is also translated into German for sharing with friends!
“Our children don’t need us to be perfect (thankfully!). They just need us to be faithful. And God can take that simple faithfulness and turn it into something wonderful in due time.” ~Jonathan Lewis
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” ~Galatians 6:9
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Michelle
Beautifully & systematically written! I appreciate the depth which she covered in this needful topic.
Jacqueline
I was overjoyed when she said I could share this, Michelle! I didn’t beg, but was prepared to, lol
Thank you!
Mary
Only one thing in there that I agree with…
“Reconnect with your children”
It’s the connection that’s the big issue parents can address.
Kids need connection first and foremost, real connection, (the connection they need not just what you have spare for ten minutes once a week to go bike riding and tick a mental box.)
There’s a clear link between lack of connection and addiction, just for starters.
The problems teachers face are hugely related to how messed up the mainstream school system is, forcing kids into a factory system is insanity but we are trained from the age of 4 to not question its authority over us.
There can be articles like this til the cows come home but the described problems will remain without huge systemic change in education and connection getting the kudos it deserves.
PS to the author : Impatient, bored, friendless and entitled? Talk about your own kids that way if you want (sounds like you may lack connection though…) but don’t tar a whole generation with your vile brush. Similar sentiments have been thrown at the latest generation since before the Victorians and guess what? Doesn’t work.
So I guess one semi useful but watered down sentiment and the rest is regurgitated, insulting to kids and annoying!
Melissa
She pretty much hit the mark. We don’t have a tv or large computer screen. My son plays for hours with my Fisher Price toys and all kinds of fun little finds from thrift shops and such. I have more than enough money to buy him things..but I choose to keep our life simple. When I was little, in the 70’s, things were quite different. We played outside tons, hardly anyone was overweight, and we finished everything on our plates. There was an inherent sense of respect for adults and teachers. We made mudpies and played Frogger. Today, many children think they are the adults. The adults seem to be the children. My son is five and he knows how to vacuum and clean a toilet. Every Friday is “toilet gleaning party”. He loves it. He helps with the garbage and knows how to use the washer and drier with some supervision. I want to raise a well adjusted functional adult, not a blissful eternal child.
Jacqueline
Yes! Yes! Melissa! Love your thoughts!
Betty
Found this article to be right on point. My parents were wonderful. My dad had a business of his own, self employed & our mother was a stay at home mom. She was with 5 kids to take care of & a beautiful home with love in it. Always had us play outside, baseball, ice skate across the street, went fishing. Taught us chores around the house. Having 4 brothers & 1 girl we all were glad at times to set the table & do the dishes after our mom worked hard to put supper on the table & after seeing our father work a full day at his job. Times were different then they are now. If are parents asked us to do something we did it. No cell phones back then. We all were happy to pinch in & do what we had to do to help out at a young age. My mom was a wonderful cook & sure could bake. Especially during the holidays! I think that’s where parents now a days want to be a friend with their children instead of being a parent. There is a difference. I appreciated all the things our parents instilled in us. Taught myself & my brothers all those years growing up. Life skills, how to cook, mom taught me how to bake, watched my father how to reconcile the bills, make a bed, iron a shirt, gardening. The list goes on. Last but not least, how to be a better person.
Jacqueline
Betty, the life you speak of is one (I fear) going to be realized less and less in the years ahead unless parents decide they don’t need all the whistles and bells and are willing to live more simply.
Also the roles are so blurred and that makes for anxiety and confusion in a young child who doesn’t have a stable model of what their place is in life (how they fit in).
In my humble opinion, We need to model traditional norms once again (which are rapidly being dismantled) and model practical ways to love family and care for our children and homes.
The children’s hearts and minds are on the line.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!
Blessings,
Jacqueline
ROSE MERKOSKY
WELL SAID MELLISA !I had six kids and they all pitched in as I also had a full time job,Make your own lunch as the fruit can be put in lunch pails evening Before and Put in fridge etc,we were fortunate to live on a farm and there always was some excitement etc,like the cat having kittens or the dog has puppies,or a cow has a new calf etc,never boring and had to help where a hand was needed!Boys got a bit older sent them in to over haul small engine set as it was an evening school so they new how to repair when they got a bit older etc,they all are doing well and married and look after there own vehicles an repairs etc which saves a lot of money!!!
Chris
Everything she says is true. I’m sure you’re one of the indulgent, lazy parents she’s talking about. Kids today are spoiled, selfish, dumbed down little monsters becuseb we are allowing them to be.
Janice
She is CORRECT in everything she said, maybe you aren’t connected to very many children! Thank you for an excellent, timely and now if we could get all parents to ACT on it!!!!
Richard Anderson
Yes, it is important to reconnect with your children, especially if you’re one of the parents described in this post. After reading your response, I suspect you’re one of the far too many parents who are putting the blame on everybody but themselves.
Amanda
Mary.
Fantastic.
I’m in agreeance. Connections and relationships set children up with far greater tools than building little obedient robots.
Harry
I hate, hate, hate that almost every restaurant you go has those tv’s everywhere. I am there to eat and connect with the family but they have Disney Channel playing while you’re eating a happy meal or slice of pizza. It is ludicrous.
LULU
AH – THIS IS SOMETHING I’D ADD TO THIS EXCELLENT ESSAY – GET OUT OF THE THE FAST FOOD RUT, WHICH IS UNHEALTHY TO MIND, BODY AND SOUL.
ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO CONNECT WITH CHILDREN OF ANY AGE IS TO BRING THEM IN THE KITCHEN WITH YOU. A SMALL BABY WILL ENJOY WATCHING AND OCCASIONALLY SAMPLING. BY THE TIME THEY ARE CRAWLING, GIVE THEM A DRAWER OF SPONS AND CUPS THEY CAN PRETEND TO COOK WITH OR MAKE MUSIC WITH WHILE YOU COOK. SOON THEY WILL BE ABLE TO STAND ON A CHAIR AT THE COUNTER AND MAKE SIMPLE FOODS, OR STIR A POT.
ALL OF MY DAUGHTER’S MATH UP UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL CAME FROM OUR KITCHEN OR THE GROCERY STORE. BY HIGH SCHOOL, WE WERE BUYING HER CULINARY ACADEMY TEXTBOOKS AND TODAY, ONE WAY WE STAY IN TOUCH EVERY FEW DAYS IS BY SWAPPING RECIPES. WHENEVER WE TRAVE WE BRING EACH OTHER DELECTABLES WE FIND IN OTHER CITIES. SHE CAME HOME FROM ITALY WITH A SUITCASE FULL OF WINE AND CHEESR LAST SUMMER – PRETTY BIG PAY OFF FOR HAVING A KITCHEN THAT WAS A LITTLE MESSIER THAN I’D MAKE IT MYSEF!
MY SON HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY EXPERIMENTAL. HE PREFERS EXPLORING TO BEING TAUGHT. THAT WAS FINE WITH ME. HE MAKES SOUP NO ONE WILL EAT BUT HIM, BUT IT MEANS HE EATS A LOT OF HEALTHY FOODS HE MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE CHOOSE. HE MAKES AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK HE CALLS APPLE PIE FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS, AND, BECAUSE HE DOESN’T DRINK MUCH ALCOHOL HIMSELF, WHEN HE STARTED GOING TO PARTIES IN COLLEGE, HE STARTED TAKING CORN BREAD MIX AND MAKING SMALL HOE CAKES PEOPLE CAN EAT WITH THEIR HANDS AT PARTIES. HE CALLS IT “SOAKING UP THE ALCOHOL”, LOL, BECAUSE HE’S SEEN THAT HAVING FOOD IN THEIR BELLIES MAKES PEOPLE LESS DRUNK. WE HAVE DISCOVERED HE’S NOT ALONE – LOTS OF YOUNG ADULTS DON;T REALLY LIKE DRINKING, BUT THAT’S THE ONLY ACTIVITY THERE IS TO DO AT MOST PARTIES, AND PEOPLE SHOVE DRINKS AT YOU. BECAUSE HIS HANDS ARE FULL WITH A SPATULA AND FRYING PAN, THEY DON’T DO THAT TO HIM.
YOU KNOW THE TREND TO “OPEN KITCHENS”? I DISCOVERED THAT THIS TREND CAME ABOUT TO GIVE MOMS A WAY TO KEEP AN EYE ON THEIR KIDS. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TEACHING THEM HOW TO COOK. AND NOW? ALMOST NOBODY DOES COOK!
MY DAUGHTER’S BOYFRIEND IS NOW IN THE KITCHEN WITH HER – COOKING TOGETHER IS A FAVORITE PASTIME. MY SON’S GIRLFRIEND, DOESN’T COOK AT ALL, AND IS A VERY PICKY EATER. HE COOKS FOR HER OR SHE DOESN’T EAT.
IT ISN’T JUST TIME PEOPLE NO LONGER SHARE WITH THEIR CHILDREN. IT’S WISDOM AND SKILLS. AND THE LOSS IS TO BOTH PARENT AND CHILD.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND GETTING A SUBSCRIPTIONS TO COOKS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE AS A STARTING POINT. EVERY MONTH THEY GIVE VERY CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS ON MAKING SOMETHING DELICIOUS, AND THE MAGAZINE IS FULL OF A LOT OF OTHER INTERESTING AND HELPFUL THINGS. GETTING THAT LITTLE BOOT TO COOK ONCE A MONTH IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN GETTING A COOKBOOK YOU MIGHT SOEDAY ACTUALLY USE. I WENT FORM HATING TO COOK TO LOVING IT, AND I HAVE MY KIDS TO THANK FOR STARTING THAT.
Rad Beltron
We’ll… I “highly recommend” watching that caps lock on your keyboard or the shift key on your phone. Seriously, what dysfunction compells people to type, at length, in all caps?
On the internet, it’s considered “YELLING”!
just…Stop… Interneting. Do us all a favor.
Big Dog
Connect with them at the dinner table then….
Jacqueline
Big Dog, YES!!!
Douglas
And you are the perfect example of what is wrong with some parents today, rather keep your opinions to yourself, i’m embarrassed on your behalf…..
Jonas
I agree with Mary. Teachers and the education system should be able to adapt to new technologies and to how the children have changed throughout the years. Why stay the same? What’s the point? Goes the same for adults like you.
Lisa
And WHY is it up to teachers to teach basic skills of life, including good and proper use of technology? Where are the parents, and why have so many left it to teachers to “teach” instead of parents to teach their own children?
I’m an elementary teacher, and all too often, I have students SLEEPING in my class due to lack of sleep AT HOME.
I can’t tell you how many kids come to school WITHOUT breakfast. How is a child to learn if their belly’s are rumbling in hunger?
It’s getting more and more rare just to hear please and tank you. When did it become MY job to teach them basic civilities when they come into the educational system at FIVE YEARS OLD?!
“It’s boring” “I don’t WANT to” “you’re mean” “but, he/she is to blame, not me” …I hear these words all day long from children who have not even been taught to LEARN!! I am not a mean woman, in fact, the opposite is true. I’m a kind, caring, nurturing woman. I do not attempt to teach writing, reading, math, social studies, etc because I am mean. I do it because I firmly believe that children need to master these basic skills, and the most basic skill of HOW to learn, to be decent, productive, capable, and successful adults. I do say attempt. This is because I am so busy dealing with children that have no social skills, no mastery of patience, kindness, decency, or accountability. Aren’t these the qualities that PARENTS are responsible to teach, and to continue through childhood to reinforce?
The access children have to technology at home, and the message they are given concerning limited, and proper, use in the HOME environment, has me almost pulling my hair out when students go onto utube, play inappropriate at school content games, draw on a coloring app or site, INSTEAD of using the technology as a LEARNING TOOL.
I am a teacher. I have an educational curriculum I am expected to follow. I have anywhere from 22 to 35 students in my class any given year. I have my own children to raise. I am ONE person. So, can you please tell me why so many parents, and you apparently, believe it to be my job to essentially raise their children for them?
Technology is in your home, your hand, and the world. They are My students, but they are YOUR children. Teach them in the home as well, and stop expecting teachers to carry the burden of both successes and failures.
Personally as a parent, I believe that it is MY job to raise my own children to become decent, productive, kind, accepting, self accountable, respectful, and kind adults. School teachers can only add to my child’s education. They cannot replace what, I, as a parent have taught and continue to teach in my home. Blunt to say, but get off your high horse and do YOUR job as your child/children’s FIRST teacher. STOP passing the buck to classroom teachers and blaming us for your lack of parenting in the home.
And, Mary, did you actually READ the article? Do you know how to take what works for you and leave the rest. Your comments came across as mean, defensive, and dismissive of the content of the article. Unfortunately, your attitude, and your unkind words are what I have seen all to often in my teaching career, and generally it is attached to poor or unacceptable behavior on a students part in the classroom when parents come storming into my room blaming their child’s, usually chronic, misbehavior at school on ME?!?
I think it’s a fairly simple equation…PARENTS should be teaching at home, and TEACHERS should be allowed to actually TEACH the educational subjects at school.
With that being said, I absolutely agree that connection with our children is of paramount importance. Which, by the way, is the starting point of teaching children in the home, and with classroom teachers throughout their educational careers.
BTW: Have you heard it the PTA? Parent is listed first, and teacher second. That was on purpose, and it leads directly to the concept that parents have a responsibility to THEIR children as the first, most important, and primary, teachers for them.
Please, do your part by having them ready to learn when they arrive at school whether it is the first day of kindergarten, or your student is at his/her last day before high school graduation.
Robert
Glad you have a connection with your kids, Mary.
Outside of your bubble though, there are many truths to be found in the text even if they aren’t your truths. Certainly, I missed the part where the author expressed that each and every point made applied to each and every kid; your tone was quite defensive which diminished an otherwise valid point. Vile brush? The tone of the article doesn’t even qualify as being a good hissy fit.
I wish I had the link – I read an interesting article how kids are seeing their own parents glued to their phones preventing them from getting the attention they want. That text also didn’t expressly or implicitly state every parent was guilty of that as common sense would lead one to otherwise understand.
whisperingsage
My mother fed us liver once a week (it’s like a big vitamin pill, and we were ok with it.) I didn’t whine too much about food, (onions sometimes, but as an adult I learned I liked them, I learned this is common in children). she fed us a balanced diet with all the healthy things, meat part of every meal, a vegetable, salad, a carb like noodles or potato, . We had a big back yard with fruit trees and a walnut tree. We snacked on those and never got fat. I would play with bugs for hours. There was a long branch on the walnut tree just the right hieght for my observation. Tiny black ants were always walking on it. I would sneak a cup of sugar and wet it and lay it out on the branch to dry. And for weeks I would watch the ants mining the sugar, cutting off chunks and walking off with them. We also pulled weeds (foxtails) and found pillbugs and earwigs. One tday I turned over a brick and there were two earwig mothers obviously to me, with their two clutches of eggs they were standing over. I picked them up in a spoon and put them in a glass jar to watch. The eggs got mixed p but one of the mothers collected most of the eggs for her own (they were a little bit different ages- one clutch was more yellow than the other). But I waited until the eggs hatched and white translucent baby earwigs hatched and wandered about. I raised them till they got juvenile, and had some color. But what a lesson in entomology that was. I had never known earwigs were attentive mothers.
In my times of “boredom” I learned to Peoplewatch. And that’s what I do now when out, because it’s a better idea to be aware of your surrounding in public than to be lost to the world and subject to a mugging.
Jacqueline
Dear Whisperingsage! What treasured observations! I did so many similar things and grew up loving God’s nature and learning through observation. Thank you for sharing the best way to grow up!
lynn maholias
Wow.. I think she hit a nerve. The points she make are valid and just plain common sense. Children are not developmentally capable of making all their own decisions and it is our job to guide them and teach them the skills they need to become productive, well-functioning, happy adults. Life is often hard and most of us do not have the luxury of getting what we want all the time. Disappointment, patience, perseverance, communication, empathy are important skills for success. The ability to problem-solve and think creatively are also actively encouraged and need to br fostered in children. We havr no interest in lording authority over students however expecting them to br courteous and an understanding of social graves and the ways of polite society are not asking too much.
Lynn
I agree with your opinion.
Also, children weren’t forced indoors by technology, unless you consider pornography.
Abductions, molestation, every form of child endangerment have caused parents to be cautious and keep their children indoors.
SAFTEY , is the primary factor
Suji
I was moved totally on her points. Few points I think u do justice to child but iam lagging as a mom
Jacqueline
Suji, you can do this with God’s help!! I will be praying for you and for all moms who are able to see the great gift they have in their children and want to rise to the occasion! God bless you for a soft and willing heart! J
Johanna
I cannot get enough of Victoria’s wisdom! 🙂
Jacqueline
I thank God for her voice, Johanna!
Charlotte Moore
After working in the school system about 30 years with my 5 tears of subbing I can see this being so true. It is getting worse all the time too.
Jacqueline
So sad that we are losing the next generation of who will be the parents and also running things in the years to come, Charlotte. I do know there will those who rise to the top and lead, but I pray they are of sufficient moral character to lead us in the right direction. If the last several decades are any example, it won’t be pretty.
Love you, J
Iris
I believe, Mary, this article has to do with more than education. I agree that our educational system lacks much. I believe this article is full of truth to help our children survive in the real world as responsible, caring adults. There is quality and quantity time in raising our children. In the midst of quantity time we find quality time. Discipline is training and in the midst of quantity time we find many opportunities to love, train and connect with our children as they learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and they learn to think outside of themselves. They then become adults that we want to connect with and they will desire relationship with us.
B. BAKER
Thanks for the information. I worry everyday about my child and his social environment (friends). We are older parents and he is an only child who has our attention all the time. We do attempt to accomplish everything you wrote about….keeping a schedule, limiting technology, active in sports, spending time outside, study time…but it’s difficult. We live in a semi-rural area and there are no children in our area so social activities need to be planned. We aren’t social mostly because of wirk schedules and personalities and age. I feel better reading your blog and hopung that we are headed in the right direction.
Jacqueline
B Baker,
Thank you for sharing your heart! I am praying for you (and for us all) that Victoria’s words can be an encouragement! As I shared at the end:
“Our children don’t need us to be perfect (thankfully!). They just need us to be faithful. And God can take that simple faithfulness and turn it into something wonderful in due time.” ~Jonathan Lewis
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” ~Galatians 6:9
Blessings, J
Jackie
AS a mother that has done this to her child (my children were spaced and my two boys grew up very well with loads of limits, whereas, my little girl grew up 15 years later, very entitled and manipulative. I have no one to blame but myself, and I’m here to say, I am trying now at her age of 19 to break this cycle. She had to endure a divorce which really messed up her little world, but also has taught her it isn’t always about her. Now in college, she is finally finding a group of friends she relates with (she is very religious, yet to an extreme I don’t always agree with, when there is no mercy and grace, I have trouble with the way someone shows love!)…..Anyway, I’m coping, my new husband really has trouble coping because she doesn’t like him, and she hates sharing her mother with him. Such is life, and she is learning and I will be applying most of the things I messed up on, a little late, but still, we are all teachable!!!
Jacqueline
Aww Jackie, my eyes are overflowing with love for you! Oh, may the dear Lord draw your daughter in His infinite mercy and grace to a point in her life where her religious zeal becomes a true relationship with Jesus Christ. I pray she will see her need to repent and follow Him. I am praying for you now and so very thankful you wrote so I can come alongside you in prayer!
“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ….For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.” Philippians 1:6,8-11
May the Lord fill you with all joy and peace, grace and mercy as you love your daughter to see her need for a personal Savior!
Warmly,
Jacqueline
Marjorie Chambers
What great advice for parents everywhère!
Ilike myprivacy
I deal with kids all the time. The vast majority are just fine. That doesn’t sell books or generate hits on internet pages but there….I said it.
Dontwanttobeclobbered
Thank you. I will say it with you.
SF
Thank you. It seems that every decade or so, or rather every generation, we parents have to hear stories about how “things were better back in my day!”…. It’s simply exhausting. I don’t believe for a second that any of these claims are statistically factual. Until I see actual science, I won’t feel bad for allowing my kids to use their iPad’s on road trips. We limit our kids screen time. We try to teach patience. I think it’s just that kids are….. kids. Most of us are only doing the best we can. Why must we constantly feel we should be doing even more?
RHONDA
No one is asking you to do more…in fact doing less and expecting more from them is a gift to them.
Jacqueline
Rhonda, that is a secret I had to hear quite a few times before I really understood as a mom.
I learned reasonable, high expectations gives children the internal confidence to know the parent leading/teaching them thinks they are **capable and a needed part** of our home economy.
Working together from the earliest days of their childhood (**consistently** looking for little things they can do alongside me at a very tender age) is a nice balance between not being their servant or them mine. They learn courtesies and manners and give and take.
They see modeled a work ethic, hopefully JOY, and persistence and the satisfaction of a job well done (which is a huge motivation to a productive person). They learn a clean, well run home is a very pleasant thing and that there is a balance to ‘fun’ within the day.
To give them the idea that I am their servant waiting on them just cripples them and fosters a sense of entitlement. Be assured, the entitled will come to despise others in time.
Thanks for your encouraging comment to SF! J
therese
I agree. I am a little tired of constantly being blamed for how we are raising this generation. especially when it comes from a generation that used to cane their children, lock disabled children away in institutions and turn a blind eye to child abuse . we are all just trying to do our best.
Allie
Agreed. While I think the author has good intentions, this article came off very self-righteous. Parents read something like this and not often leads to fear and feelings of powerlessness especially in today’s digital world. We are all doing our best to find balance within this crazy matrix. There were obviously some good points but overall not very encouraging!
Jacqueline
Allie, I think you might get a different picture if you read the other extensive comments. I have not deleted any of them.
Sending peace,
Jacque
behaviorcoach
You “dealing” with kids says exactly how you feel about them. I feel confident in making the assumption that most educators reading this post agree, and those that have been doing it for decades have seen the changes in kids- socially, emotionally, and behaviorally.
Brenda
How do we start them as infants? I am taking care of my granddaughter twice a week. She always needs some sort of stimulation. My day is totally committed to her, from the musical mobile, the strollers rides and walking around with her while I do necessary chores. She wears me out.
Jacqueline
Brenda, THAT is an excellent question!!! I kept my babes close to me in a wrap until they were wanting to explore. They were colicky at first, so I attended to their needs and talked to them and read to them. listened to my own audio bible, etc., but did not attempt to stimulate them or set them in front of ANYTHING on video. We had lots of pleasant classical and Celtic and scripture music. I put up boundaries they could not get past (2 whole rooms of free child-proofed space) and let them cruise around at will. A few pots and pans, their blankie, and a stuffed toy. I wanted them to roll, crawl, touch, pull up, etc. There were time I use the play pen right there in the kitchen and let them alone…totally did not speak to them but pleasant calming music in the background and sounds of the home. They explored and I cooked, did laundry right near by. They will VERY quickly become accustomed to your constant attention and you ARE conditioning them to that. They also need time to be ‘bored’ to think, OH! I need to occupy myself, and thereby look outward. it is the looking so inward to what they want next that entraps a child to need constant care! I had my kids sorting socks together as their first chore and many were done wrong, but they felt pleasure at being ‘helpful’! I hope that helps a little!
Margo
There was a time when people used playpens. They would put the child in there with a few toys and they would let the child amuse themselves. Very good Training. You don’t over do it for hours and hours of courses for short times in between playing with them and feeding them and all but sufficient amounts of time by themselves with their toys teaches them to amuse themselves.
Kathleen
Hi Brenda. I believe parents and caretakers have been conned into the idea that they are responsible for entertaining young children. Young children don’t need this–they are entirely capable of entertaining themselves. Say “Grandma is doing the dishes right now” or something. She can learn to generate activities for herself…
LULU
BETTER YET “COME HELP GRANDMA DO THE DISHES” WILL TEACH HER SHE IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE FAMILY UNIT AND GIVES YOU TIME TO CHAT AND LAUGH – CREATING A BOND THAT WILL STAY FOREVER.
THE ONE THING I DISAGREE WITH IN THIS ESSAY IS THAT CHILDREN DON;T KNOW HOW TO WAIT. PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS MAKE THEM WAIT ALL THE TIME, WHEN IN FACT, THEY COULD BE HELPING, WHICH WOULD MAKE THE WAITING LESS BORING AND WOULD MAKE WHATEVER THE CHORE IS GO FASTER. CHILDREN WAIT FOR THEIR PARENTS TO GET HOME FROM WORK AND THEN TO DO A MYRIAD OF NECESSARY AND UNNECESSARY THINGS BEFORE THEY FINALLY TURN THEIR EXHAUSTED HALF ATTENTION TO WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE CHILD WHO ONLY WANTS A LITTLE PARENTING.
WHEN MY SON WAS A TEEN, HE GOT INVOLVED WITH COUNSELING DEPRESSED TEENS ON A CHAT BOARD. HE ASKED ME TO READ MESSAGES FROM SUICIDAL KIDS, AND OVER TIME A PATTERN BECAME CLEAR. THESE KIDS HAD NO ROLE IN THEIR FAMILIES. IN GENERATIONS PAST, A CHILD THAT AGE WOULD BE LEARNING THE FAMILY TRADE. WOULD BE PREPARING TO GO INTO IT THEMSELVES. WOULD HAVE A SENSE OF A FUTURE. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL, WOULD FEEL NEEDED AND IMPORTANT. TODAY? KIDS ARE NOTHING BUT A BURDEN. OUR CHILD LABOR LAWS MAY HAVE BEEN WELL INTENDED, BUT THEY ROBBED KIDS OF SOMETHING VITAL.
susan Shock
You know, I am a mother of 6 grown children. My oldest son who now lives in heaven was born with Mental Retardation (at that time it was appropriate to call it that, which was the diagnosis given). My sons, I had 3, including him, were so close. They played together. They came from a different world than the kids of today, like my grandchildren. They had a blast of fun. You would have never know he had any disability when he was young as they they played together as 3 brothers/boys. I was not financially able to meet every whim, so therefore they knew what it was to “wait’. ” Make do!” ” Have fun”. I miss those days. My kids were spoiled, don’t get me wrong. In different ways. But this instant gratification things is WRONG! This ‘I AM BORED’ is not an OKAY thing to be accepted or taught! Children need to know the advantages of waiting. The values of doing things that are creative in nature, that require thinking on their part. The brain is such an amazing gift from God. The eyes- sight, ears-hearing, Tongue-Speech, arms/legs/mobility. What gifts to cherish. To be honored. To run, jump, to move. Yes, they miss out if we let them. It is up to us to help them, to encourage, and when be, when necessary, use the BIG NO!
Jacqueline
What a powerful reminder that things have not always been like they are today, Susan. Materialism is a huge part of this loss of learning to “make do!” Thank you for weighing in, friend!
susan Shock
I would like to take back using the word CRAP, in my post. I should not have said that. Please forgive me there. I went a little over board. I love children so much. They are one of the happy things in this life. Thank you
Jacqueline
Susan, I have never done this before, but I fixed that! Hugs! I understand and thank you for your sensitive spirit!
Katie
Yes! “No” is actually a kindness many times. “I’m bored” is an invitation for a parent to encourage imaginative play by responding “Go find something to do, or I will find something for you.”
Kathleen
Could not agree more!
Roma
The big NO to a child’s I want and I need can break or make, deliver it good and do it with fullnesss, strong determination will make both parties a winner!Love when given grows, no one fails and everyone wins
Katie
This is all common sense, of course. Just as alarming as this trend,however, is the one where parents seem to be bereft of said common sense. How did that happen?? How is it that parents in just a few years, have lost their imaginations and authority and will? Have we, too, been unwitting victims of social media/ the internet?
susan Shock
I actually have thought a lot about your words in that they did hit hit home to me in a lot of ways. This may be straying from what you mean and I hope that is okay, I do understand what you are saying., and this will kinda play into init. My mom , who was born in 1918, i remember a time her saying to me, She was the best friend I would ever have. Now this was back in the late 80’s , I was a grown women when mom said this to me. It was a time when I remember the Trend of saying Mothers were Daughters/ best friends. I can just so remember how that struck me. Then from that time on, I wanted to be Best Friends with my 2 daughters. Point being, friends and mothers have different roles. Friends can support things not always the best when mama knows better.Well, I went down that Best Friend road. A male christian friend of mine told me, that my daughters needed a Mother not a Best Friend. I remember how hurt and insulted I felt that day. But inside I knew it was true. God had used him in my in life to help me see , to go back to the basics of love and protection of a mother and her children. The social media had so bent me into this belief that being a Friend like , being Cool , was better or more important than standing for the values only I could teach my daughter. It is true, the social media /internet, how powerful. WE really know that from the power of television alone. There will always be influences of some kind to interfere /influence our children . Nevertheless , we always will be one step ahead. Wow, so much to work through, pray about. Our children need us so much. They are the clay. We are the potters. Hopefully , prayerfully, The Divine Potter will lead and guide us to direct our children thru the world as it is today, in the palm of His hand. Amen
Sondra
Susan Shock, you are right. But it comes in time if in your heart you desire to be a loving mom who is fun and approachable but still the Mom! Today, I am 70 and my girls ARE my best friends. All 4 of them!!
Marissa
Hi Jackie, I as a first time mom I felt I needed to attend to my child’s every moment and be present and engaged and now I have created a child who “ needs my attention and stimulation” all the time. I believe in the he needs I’m bored time. Just when I try to give it (5-10) min he gets into things he knows he’s not supposed to be doing to get my attention. He is a very smart and manipulative almost four year old boy. So how do you implement I’m bored time without getting involved, or offering ideas of things he can do while I do something? He rarely playes by himself, and only does when he decides just to do it which is very rare… I tried quiet time with engaging manipulatives etc but he would want to show me everything so that didn’t work…I feel like I have messed him up!
Jacqueline
Marissa, there are no easy answers, but you can pray for starters for wisdom. Without the wisdom of the Lord, we are all lost as we try to navigate these kinds of things.
First, I would take him and hold him and tell you want to apologize for handling this situation the way you did (I have had to do this numerous times. Our kids learn how to apologize and ask forgiveness when they see us doing it). Then tell him what you feel you have done a number of things wrong but will be correcting it by placing certain boundaries on him.
Tell him you are confident he will understand in time and that his life will be far better for it. Tell him it will be hard to break those old habit but that it can and will be done…that you are there to help him and will stick with him until he is able to achieve some of the things you see that need correcting…that you love him and want to see him become a self-governing, responsible and independent grown up one day who can do great things in the world.
It seems like it will be hard to address getting him to play alone without addressing the underlying need for obedience. He will need to understand that your word is law and he must obey, so what I write next is key…
If you believe in Jesus Christ and His death and resurrection, you know you need the inner workings of grace and mercy and strength of the Holy Spirit to actually live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. Your son will need that, too, so this is the time to point him to Jesus as the only one that can help him change and throw away the old habits to become a new creation. I pointed each of our children to the power and love of Christ as they faced struggles in their young lives. They saw their sin when I used a specific scripture that applied to their sin and the then added the verse, “I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me.” Tell him you will not baby sit him and that he needs to have some bored time to figure out how to use his time better without always being entertained. Tell him you will use the NO word and that you expect him to respect it. You will need an iron will to be consistent! If you are not, he will see a weak spot and manipulate you trying to break you down to his will. James Dobson’s book, The Strong-Willed Child is helpful. http://amzn.to/2DKfKAU Read it and pray!
Also, get him a very few toys that HE HAS TO Manipulate himself…nothing that does anything on its own…Ideas would be Lego building blocks (boys just love legos, but make sure they are for his age) or things similar to what is in this post: https://deeprootsathome.com/toys-worth-owning/
This is just a start, and you can find more here by my friend June: https://deeprootsathome.com/parenting-child-rules-home/
Btw, we spanked and did it biblically with firm tough love, never made a big deal out of it and told them one day you will thank us. They all have told us ‘Thank you, I needed that’ and all will spank when they are parents. No need for drama or anger, just very matter-of-fact. Lying, stealing, hurting someone else with intent, deceit, etc. are ALL reasons to spank.
I could go on, but the book will be a great guide. I hope this helps! I am praying and God bless your efforts! Hugs, J
Sarah
Very good article. Thank you.
I am happy that most of these, we do pretty well with. Sadly, we aren’t great about getting g outside. We don’t live where I can let my children out alone and I often have work to do inside (I work part time from home). When it is warm enough, I like to take them out to play while I work from my laptop on a swing.
We also aren’t good about technology – Not them. Me. I am terrible about being tied to my phone. I honestly don’t know how to break this habit. I wish I could go back to an old ana log phone. I need my momma to come and take technology away from ME!
wendy galbraith
Amazing article. I want to share it parents and teachers who will be attending a presentation to discuss prevention of substance abuse.
You have touched on something that can be the root of why kids choose to use substances later on.
Thank you.
Jacqueline
Yes, feel free to share it on social media, too. Praying it will touch many! Thank you, Wendy!
Nick
A different take on this might be that kids are changing, not “getting worse”. When kids change there needs change and often what educators have “always done” fail to meet those needs. Kids are kids, that is there job. Our job as educators is to meet them where they are at and fill in the gaps.
Don’t forget the strengths present in these kids. They are coming with skill sets never seen at these age groups.
Elisa Stockton
Hi Jacqueline, I run a preschool and find this information so valuable. Is it okay if I print and pass along this article to the parents of our students? If so, do you have a printable copy that you might be able to email me?
Sincerely,
Elisa
First Baptist Preschool
Jacqueline
Yes, absolutely! I am praying it reaches and helps many, many families! Thank you and blessings, J
Also, Rebecca, a reader has a thought for you:
“Elisa here’s a quick tip- you can easily make any page on the web formattable for printing with a free extension for Google Chrome (I’m sure there are extensions for other browsers too). This is the one I’m using: https://www.printfriendly.com/ “
Rebecca
Elisa here’s a quick tip- you can easily make any page on the web formattable for printing with a free extension for Google Chrome (I’m sure there are extensions for other browsers too). This is the one I’m using: https://www.printfriendly.com/
Beautiful post by the way, what a fantastic reminder. And for any of us guilty of doing these things we can always right the ship, it is never too late to start doing the right thing, a fantastic mantra of my late father in law.
Jacqueline
Thank you! Your father sounds like he was an encourager, Rebecca! It is so true, too… we must never, never give up!
Julie Ann Filter
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. I read this out loud to my kids today and my oldest was like “YES! Oh my gosh, mom, YES! The kids in my generation have NO idea how to have fun and be creative if they don’t have a device in their hands. It’s SO frustrating.” We have been homeschooling and navigating life as a large family (7 kids ages 12 to almost 2), and THESE tips are EXACTLY what we have been doing for many, many years. Now as our oldest kids are entering middle school age we are truly seeing the fruits of our labor. It has been a hard road, but SO worth it to see the fruit in their lives. Sadly, though, there is also suffering as they are acutely aware of how blessed life can be with interaction and connection, but the are finding it super hard to find other kids who “get it” too. For me, that’s the hardest part of it all, but still, it’s only another way for them to practice another emotional intelligence coping with reality: sometimes you can be lonely when it’s hard to find a good friend who shares your values. So, so true. Great post!!!
Nola
The link for 30 Quick Tips comes to the page, but it won’t open the tips. I would love to have the list.
Jacqueline
Nola, I am checking on that now…when you hit ‘Go’ you should be able to share your name and email and get the pdf…will fix that asap!! Thanks for the heads up!!
Blessings J
Amber Levik
I’m having trouble finding the list of your favorite board games… We’re always looking ☺️
What a great article – we only get one shot at this.
Such valuable reminders.
Thanks so much,
Amber
Seetha
This is absolutely fantastic. I have been a primary school teacher for 22 years and have been advocating to the children I have taught and talking to parents. You have put this brilliantly and I am going to share this.
Well done
Joel
The point that the brains of our children are trainable cannot be stressed enough. And they ARE being trained whether we are intentional about it or not. One key to successful parenting then is to pause long enough to remember WHAT we are trying to train into the lives of our kids, rather than defaulting simply to what is easiest at that point in time. Almost always they are two different things.
TobyLauren
This is excellent! I would be thrilled to get permission to share it with our home school group here in Alberta, Canada by sharing it in our newsletter. I’ll link to your blog, and include a bio of the author. I look forward to hearing from you!
Jacqueline
Yes, please do, Lauren! It was written to help families, so I pray that it reaches the hearts of many!
Shruti Dilliwal
Good read , being an OT have seen all these personalities in kids . Will definitely share with other parents?
Joy
I discovered this blog while looking for a glycerine tincture recipe for my homegrown elderberries. I’m looking forward to reading more of the articles here- thank you for this lovely resource! I was especially thankful reading through your elderberry post, as it pointed to additional research. It seems like many of the other recipes for the syrup just used the same information (without references), almost like they read someone else’s post and just regurgitated it in their own words. So thank you! 🙂 I actually had a question though with the elderberry recipe you have given, but couldn’t see where I could leave a reply for it- maybe because it is too old of a post (it is a 2014 one). I’ve made a couple batches of syrup already (from a different recipe), and it is pretty thin compared to the Nature’s Answer glycerin/elderberry tincture I used to buy. Your syrup appeared thin too, is this true? Also, about how much volume should I have once it is reduced– is it better to reduce only the certain amount of time, or to get to a certain volume (eg- half of the original amount for a greater dosage). Oh, and if I could trouble you with one more question– is it necessary to add the 3/4c honey? I know raw honey is beneficial, but it’s hard for my mind to balance it out with trying to limit my childrens’ sugar intake. With previous batches, I’ve added only about 1/4c (which I’m sure leads to a less thick liquid, and more like juice consistency!), and they have taken it just fine.
Thank you in advance for any help you are willing to lend!
Carol Cronce
Please read Endangered Minds, by Jane Healy.
Laura
I don’t buy most of this – and this same message is EVERYWHERE. Going back to Socrates, “the younger generation has it too easy and is spoiled and lazy.” I’m so tired of this old message.
Yes, kids these days have more technology. But they also have two working parents, divorce, drugs and social pressures unique to their generation. It’s not ALL about technology people.
And every parent believes THEY are the good parents, while all of the other parents are the lazy ones who spoil their kids and don’t have rules. Guess what, I think most parents do a good job, give their kids chores and make them do their homework. Kids still go outside and play in the snow and climb trees. But now there are playgrounds. Now parents are a lot more involved with their kids, especially Dads.
The truth is, today kids have a LOT more homework, and more scheduled activities, like sports and clubs.
I spend most of my childhood bored out of my mind. It is so dreamy to rewrite this, as now being wonderful and idealistic. I wish they had soccer for girls back then. I wish I could have gone to Pot and Bead and created things. I remember doing a lot of sitting around, albeit outside in the heat.
Allie
here here! 👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
P
Before there was technology my husband used books this way. I still feel after 26 years like I have to fight for attention. We all sit around staring at screens. There is no relationship.
Brent Pattison
Occupational Therapists, OTs, are worth their weight in gold. As a former public school administrator, I lamented that we never saw enough of them in our schools. Their suggestions were practical and effective!
Jackie T.
Thank you so much for this insight as well as the research to support I. I have been teaching for 40 years…I have never wished to do anything else until this year. I teach third grade…I have never seen such a group as this! They feel no remorse for when the disrespect adults. They fight over space in light and want to cry however, when they take from the teacher, disregard the instructions of the teacher and that teacher gives them a consequence they want to throw the teacher under the bus or say that the teacher doesn’t like me …or the teacher has favorites…In years past, I would have kids talk things out…to come to, in some cases, agree to disagree…Now, the kids aren’t able to verbalize…You are so right about playing outside…My mother never knew when I got into it with a friend. The friend and I might not speak for a day or two and then come back together and in most cases laugh about it…So, thank you for supporting me and others in the field of teaching
Jacqueline
Jackie, I have the utmost respect and appreciation for teachers and understand your heart, being of that heart myself. I do believe that Victoria’s words are ringing true and earnestly pray that parents and all of us will take it to heart!
Again, thank you for what you do. I am still sure that you have been a big influence to many and never knew it!
God bless you! J
Samantha
I have a small in home daycare and I see these issues in 2 and 3 year olds already. I mean I have one little one who will go for weeks eating only one type of food and the parents to let her have her way. She gets up in the middle of the night and they just let her play because she wants to then send her to my house all tired and get upset that I let her take a longer nap then normal. When you hear terms like adulting classes it seem funny at first until you meet people who really do need to learn because no one has taught them. I mean just explaining that when kids are over tired it can keep them from sleeping well to suggesting an early bed time and routine it becomes a miracle to them. Parenting is hard work some don’t know how to and some are just lazy. I can only imagine how life will be for them when she is a teenager.
IdontjudgewhatIdontknow
I noticed that nowhere in the auther’s list of qualifications does it say “mother.” While you can sit in your ivory tower of judgement with your data and studies, you know nothing about parenthood until you have been there. You can blame laziness and dependence on technology, but you get to close your office door at the end of your long day of criticizing others and eat a meal in peace, read a book and have a good night’s sleep. Congratulations for having all the answers to something you have never done.
I believe that her message is well intentioned, but it fails to address the increasingly high academic demands of education starting in preschool. Perhaps we need to give the tiny, malleable minds more time to be creative before forcing them into 8 hours of structured preaching. Twenty years ago, kindergarten was half day and students learned their letters, shapes, colors and numbers. They certainly never had homework. Now, children are expected to know their letters, shapes, colors and numbers prior to entering all day kindergarten and have three worksheets for homework each night. Children are not allowed sufficient time to acquire the self control for the new demands, so rather than adjusting expectations, we slap diagnoses on the children who are probably just immature in comparison to contemporary academics, but would have been entirely capable of participating appropriately in the academics of years past.
Jacqueline
Dear I Don’t Know,
Victoria is a mother and an excellent one. It is out of her concern for children (and by default) parents, that she has tackled this topic. Thank you for your comment!
Momofmany
Great article! I went over each of the helpful ideas to see how I could improve – I’m always looking to improve. I’m certainly far from perfect, but I noted that I tend to follow all of those things anyway. I have 7 kids, ages 26, 21, 15, 15, 7, 5, and 4. The younger ones know the lyrics to “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” haha I taught them that early on and explained what it meant as best as I could. Now, when I tell one “no,” one of the others will start singing that song and everyone is happy. 😉 You definitely have to be creative with kids.
I’m pretty confident that all of my kids will do well and succeed in life. I will do everything in my power to ensure that! My oldest graduated with his doctorate in pharmacy and is working a residency for a children’s hospital. So proud of him and all of his hard work. I know as long as I put in all the hard work, too, my kids will all be great assets to society!!
Kira
The comments show exactly what the problem is and nobody can see it. Why are (SOME) children like that? Because their parents are children. Look at the comment section: WHEN I WAS A KID I was so much better. MY CHILDREN are well balanced but all other children are little mosters. I AM THE BEST PARENT but everybody else let’s their kids use technology! LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER BAD PARENTS. Is being self-righteous really a good way to parent? If you can’t see the problem, you are the problem.
Reality check: kids are little sh*ts. It’s always been that way and will always be that way. Remember when people used to say kids were troublemakers because they had to much time on their hands and needed to be kept busy? Now they’re busy and everyone’s like: NO they need to learn to be BORED. Guys. Wake up.
Mindy
This is Wonderfull!!! So true!!! So thankful to have found your blog! I sure hope the tide will change! As a mentor to young moms, I am so happy to be able to pass this on!
John Johnson
This really should be titled, “Poor Parenting Choices and the Children That Come of it”. Its nice to think that one can post an article to help young parents. Unfortunately, the people who need this advice wont read it. Then again the people who had children or are already doing this think its amazing.
LULU
FOR PARENTS OF ANY AGE CHILD – OR EVEN SINGLE PEOPLE, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE BOOK SERIES THAT STARTS WITH “TEACHING YOUR CHILD JOY” (NEXT ONE IS TEACHING YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITY” AND THE LAST IS “LIFE BALANCE” FOR ADULTS WHO NEED BETTER BALANCE IN THEIR LIVES ( WHO DOESN’T?).
AUTHORS – LINDA AND RICHARD AYERS.
CONSIDER THIS MESSAGE FROM THE FIRST BOOK: STUDIES SHOW THAT WE GET OUR GREATEST PLEASURE FROM GIVING, NOT GETTING. WHEN WE DO ALL THE GIVING, WHAT DO OUR CHILDREN GET TO GIVE? NOTHING. IT’S DEPRIVATION, AND, IT’S NEGLECT, WHICH IS AN INSIDIOIUS FORM OF ABUSE THAT LEADS TO A VERY UNHAPPY STATE OF MIND THAT WE THEN CALL “SPOILED”. EVER MET A HAPPY SPOILED BRAT?
WE HAD POOR LUCK WITH ASSIGNING CHORES WITH MY CHILDREN. I WOULD END UP PUTTING MORE EFFORT INTO MAKING THEM DO THEM THAN THEY DID DOING THEM – YOU HEAR THAT A LOT. INSTEAD, DO CHORES WITH YOUR CHILDREN. AND MORE THAN CHORES – WANT THEM TO READ? LISTEN TO CLASSICS ON TAPE WITH THEM WHENEVER YOU’RE IN THE CAR – THEN DISCUSS THEM TO ENCOURAGE READING COMPREHENSION AND PLEASURE OF READING.
BOTH OF MINE BEGAN TO ASK TO VOLUNTEER. MY SON WAS ADAMANT ABOUT IT, BUT NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR MOST ORGANIZATIONS TO ACCEPT HIM, AND HE WANTED TO DO HANDS ON THINGS IN A SOCIAL SURROUNDING- HE DIDN’T WANT TO, FOR EXAMPLE, MAKE CAT TOYS AND DONATE THEM. SO HE FINALLY TALKED OUR LOCAL HUMANE SOCIETY INTO TAKING HIM 2 YEARS EARLY, AND HE LOVED IT, AS DID THEY. THE TWO OF THEM PUT IN HUNDREDS OF HOURS IN THEIR PRETEENS AND TEENS WORKING FOR THEM AND OTHER ORGANIZATIONS. IT BECAME THEIR FAVORITE ACTIVITY, AND TURNED THEM INTO EXCEPTIONAL EMPLOYEES FROM THEIR FIRST JOB ON.
Timothy Brearton
This all rings true, but with a couple of caveats: Children have been bored and staring out the classroom window since there were single room school houses. They dreamt of fishing and baseball games while being taught arithmetic.
I wince when I see children being called “entitled.” But, with a different connotation, they *are* entitled – to a good education, and to pursue that which interests them. Not every child is naturally going to fall in line, and they shouldn’t – ample studies show that alternative educational programs which nurture the natural interests of a child instead of seeking to have them merely conform to a standard are highly effective. The assembly-line method of schooling is outmoded, particularly with the rise of intelligent automation.
The author mentions a healthy breakfast and nutritious food, but there’s more here to mine when it comes to the harmful effects of refined sugar, just as addictive as any video game or mobile device, and just as troubling for the development of a young mind. Our foods are loaded with sugar, and processed foods have largely replaced home cooking.
Jacqueline
Thank you for your comment, Timothy! I agree with so much of what you say, though it strikes me that the kids of my day (50s and 60s) were dreaming of things that stimulated their mind sin a healthy way – “fishing and baseball games” – while today’s kids, many of them are dreaming of their most recent artificial stimulation which often dulls and dumbs down the mind. Vastly different! Thanks for taking the time!
Lisa Russo
It’s definitely a different world than it used to be. Thanks for the interesting thoughts.
Jennifer Johnson
Would you please send me the PDF of List of 30 ways to help your kids.
Jacqueline
Jennifer Johnson, I am not able to send it to you, but you can download it from the post. https://deeprootsathome.com/kids-friendless-bored-impatient/ Look for the 2 links in there in bold, click on one of them and it will direct you!
I hope that helps! Blessings! J
Patty Clark
Please send this article to my email. I teach preschoolers and feel this is very good info.
Jacqueline
Hi, Patty,
Instead, could you just share the link to those interested? As many as you wish? I do not have permissions from the author to post her work anywhere but on the blog, but you may share the link.
Thank you! ~J
Denise S.
Such a well-written article.
I see this day in and day out and it’s not just with small children.
I see it in young adults too because that is all they know.
And the parents are not much better.
When I go to a restaurant and look around, I will see a table with the parents and their children and they’re all doing things on their phones. Reading email, sending messages, playing games, etc.
It’s so sad to me.
I will be sharing this 🙂
Jacqueline
Denise, thank you for sharing it! You are a blessing! ~J
Opal
“They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”
-Socrates
It’s not “kids these days.” It’s just kids. The only difference is the technology. Get over it.
Darrell Kohr
This is about older children, but it is part of this same problem:
When my grandsons and I want to have a fun conversation, we often pull from on-line science videos like VSauce, Smarter Every Day, and Crash Course. These are short (20 min to 1 hour) videos about an amazing variety of topics from the Roman invasion of Britain in 55 B.C. to Maxwell’s field vector laws, and they find this fun! (Mostly because of the well managed and understandable presentation. Yes, in 7 minutes and 37 seconds, you can understand why a Hyperboloid makes a coffee mug one of the most interesting things in the universe, and it makes sense without aunderstanding a lot of math or anything.) There is a huge following of young people who turn to this kind of thing for fun. (All of the “channels” I mentioned have many presentations that have garnered 1/2 million hits in one week each.) When Mind Storm came to Durham last year, it looked like a rock concert. There was cheering and autograph signing. And these kids are all engaged and inquisitive and very fulfilled. And mostly by the adults.Yet, when we go into public groups and start talking about these forums, we are shut down and edged out immediately. Many, many adults are intolerant of the very things that engage these youth and make them just exactly what is best in America. The intolerance is swift and very often cruel and to these youth, it is very effective. I have had many come to me to ask “What is wrong with me? I just happen to really, really like science.” The faction of our society that is afraid of technology are violent and effective. These are people who fear and censure everything modern and, oh, kids are by definition “modern”. How can we combat technophobia and stop it from disconnecting youth? We stop and listen when young people start talking what initially sounds like nonsense. Often it is very deep technology not well expressed. We can step into conversations when kids are being dismissed because they are touching on unfamiliar things. We need to teach kids that just because we do not know all the lingo, that does not mean WE are unteachable. As a matter of fact, some of the best engagements I have seen between youth and adults have been things like a 12 year-old teaching two 50 year-olds how to apply magic in a Dungeons and Dragons game, or how to modify a Nerf gun by soldering in new motors. Youth are at their best when they are teaching adults, not when they are being taught, and they learn just as much by teaching. This is their new world. it is time that we accept that and let them be what they need to be instead of trying to make them be what we want them to be. Wait, no, it is time that we HELP them be what they must be and let the future happen as it must.
Lindsay
I think this article does a great job to show actions parents can take to raise their children well but I must say I’m disappointed with the tone of the beginning of the article. Parents can do these things and it can take a huge amount of time for children to learn it. Because my child has to wait regularly I would hope he would be more patient but he is 5 and turns out self control all day at kinder makes for a rough afternoon/evening.
And perhaps this is just a sensitive part for me, but I cannot imagine an OT not understanding that one of the BIG reasons there are more children in various therapies today vs years ago is because of medical advancements. Twenty years ago my children wouldn’t have survived their in utero experience much less premature birth and nicu time. They have mild CP and were developmentally delayed in most areas. It’s hard to develop when you’re just trying to survive. Anyway, while I had therapists tell me that there were amazed by the work we did outside of appointments to keep the momentum going, I also know it is VERY hard. Yes it is worth it but the tone of this article is harsh to many families that are struggling and at least have asked for help by seeking therapy for their children. Please know I agree with most of what she said but I don’t think her tone will allow people who need to hear it to actually benefit from any of it. Seems more like a pile on for people that are annoyed with ‘entitled impatient children and their parents.’
Kayla
While I agree with a lot here, I do want to bring up a point about learning disabilities regarding this piece “I have seen and continue to see a decline in children’s social, emotional, and academic functioning, as well as a sharp increase in learning disabilities and other diagnoses”
I am learning through workshops, connecting with other families and awareness, that a lot of children act out because of an underlining learning disability. With 1:5 kids being dyslexic and a higher percentage of neurodiverse people, they can use bad behavior to help cope with what they are feeling. I see it all the time in the classroom. If schools did a better job teaching to the “science” of reading for example, maybe there would be more balance in the classroom. School is much harder these days and the pressure to perform is too much. Not enough recess, learning through movement and less social-emotional health in the classroom can be detrimental to a child.
Jacqueline
Yes, Kayla, I feel there are many elements in public schools today that are failing the students. Homeschool (by appropriately involved parent(s)) is a better and safer place for children in my opinion.
Many good points, Kayla.
Laurel
Rad, she probably has trouble seeing. A lot of older people use all caps for that very reason.
Liza Parker
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Not just because of the quality of the blogs, but the user-friendly interface and engaging imagery as well.
The content will be of high quality, free of plagiarism, error-free, and SEO-optimized (if you want). Looking for a positive response.
Jacqueline
Liza, could you link here a few examples of your work? Thank you! ~J