Raising masculine boys today is a challenge especially when they are bombarded with wrong messages of what it is to be a man. It seems our culture is slipping away from valuing truly manly men – traditionally masculine men and fathers (gentlemen) – who lead their home, personal lives, and family well.
And a caveat: I am not talking about the wide range of God-given physical features or strength here. A man doesn’t need to be ruggedly built or look a certain way to be a wise, capable leader. And if there is a disability, the work becomes that of developing the mind and the inner spirit of the man. Hard work doesn’t always have to be physical.
Recently, there was a J. Crew ad with the company’s president and creative director Jenna Lyons painting the toenails of her son Beckett. She had painted his toenails pink and stated, “Lucky for me I ended up with a boy whose favorite color is pink. Toenail painting is way more fun in neon.”
Blatant Propaganda
“This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity,” psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow wrote in a Health column about the ad. Media Research Center’s Erin Brown agreed, calling the ad “blatant propaganda celebrating trans-gendered children.”
“Not only is Beckett likely to change his favorite color as early as tomorrow, Jenna’s indulgence (or encouragement) could make life hard for the boy in the future,” Brown wrote in an opinion piece Friday.”
J.CREW, known for its tasteful and modest clothing in the past, apparently does not mind exploiting Beckett behind the facade of liberal, trans-gendered identity politics.”
However, to some people “it seems innocent — and even cute: a photo of a mom and her young son laughing adorably as she paints his toenails hot pink.” Mainstream media declared “So what? It’s just painting his nails.”
Mixed Messages
I don’t believe it. Let’s not confuse our sons with mixed messages especially with something as important as gender identity. Unfortunately, they are getting these messages (and far worse) in the public school system.
Although our two sons are now men and no longer little boys, I want to raise an alert. The world is feminizing our little boys and teaching little girls to be more masculine. Our culture is blurring the lines between genders and showering scorn on those that hold to the way God designed us to be man and woman. Clothing design, mainstream media, campus housing, marriage, and sports are only a few areas in which we see this happening.
Raising Boys is a Special Job
Raising our boys is a special job, and we must take it seriously.
I’m so thankful that God has blessed us with two sons to mold and teach to become young men. It was obvious that they wanted to be like their Daddy long before they could be encouraged in any one direction by others.
Little boys naturally want to be just like their dad. I would often ask one of them, “Can you please help me carry these grocery bags. I need somebody big and strong to help me.” They would come running to help me, showing me their muscles and telling me how strong they were. Both would say, “I’m big and strong like Daddy.” They wanted to be manly men, just like their father. They saw their dad opening the door for me and so they did, too.
They would be climbing trees or way up into the 3-story barn rafters (I do not recommend this!) or trying to fix or figure out something mechanical or making their sticks into weapons with out the help of a TV to give them ideas.
We decided early to ditch the TV so we would have time to really ‘do life’.
A boy needs to know how to get dirty and then clean up!
I wish I could find the picture of them shoveling manure at my husband’s family’s dairy barn.
Also, they need to learn to value a good book or grilling steaks as much as a romp in the woods or wrestling each other.
Boys To Men
Boys need to be able to take some risks, to be allowed to get hurt so they know how to deal with pain and stress. They need to know how to work hard and think critically under the guidance of a manly teacher. They need to be exhorted to holiness in their thought-life, and they need to play hard, too. Boys need to be equipped to be fathers of boys someday!
“The mind of a child is naturally active, it develops through exercise. Give a child plenty of exercise, for body and brain. The trouble with our way of educating is that it does not give elasticity to the mind. It casts the brain into a mold. It insists that the child must accept. It does not encourage original thought or reasoning, and it lays more stress on memory than observation.” ~ Thomas A. Edison
It occurs to me to say that we did and still are doing this very imperfectly. While these photos might portray a picture-perfect family, we are not perfect – not by a long shot – and I don’t pretend we had or have it all together. The grace we are presently experiencing (on and off – Ha) is only achieved through much time spent on our knees. We still have so much growing to do.
Please do not use this post to beat your husband over the head. It will only do harm.
The book Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys by Hal Young and Melanie Young is VERY HELPFUL!
No Father?
But what if there is no father in the home?
My heart aches for the mother of boys with no father in the house; Mama, do not despair! 2 Corinthians 6: 18 says, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” God can and will be a real Father to you and your children! Call on Him for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” (Romans 10: 13)
Pray earnestly for someone to come alongside to be a masculine father figure in their life. Often a grandfather can be that man, provided his input will be edifying.
Further, the Bible has something to say about the role of a mother that is vitally important.
Paul, the Apostle, talking to his spiritual son Timothy, said, “I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.“ (2 Timothy 1:5)
Mothers can raise godly, masculine young men without a father with the help of Almighty God. “But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19: 26) and “Is anything too hard for the LORD?” (Genesis 18: 14)
In God there is great mercy, great grace, and great power!
***For the Full Spike Protein Protocol (including NAC) to protect from transmission from the “V” and to help those who took the “V”, go here.
Deep Roots At Home now has a PODCAST! We are covering everything from vaccines, parenting topics, alternative medicine. Head over today and like, share and download a few episodes! https://buff.ly/3KmTZZd
I am once again being heavily shadow-banned over on FB. If you want to stay connected, here is one way…
You can also find me on Instagram, MeWe, Pinterest, and Telegram.
And please join me for my FREE newsletter. Click here.
©2024 Deep Roots at Home • All Rights Reserved
Musings of a Minister's Wife
Yet another excellent post! I couldn’t agree more. We have what we call “man training” in our house. This is where we teach our sons how to be a man. This involves a myriad of things, and often times it involves doing something that you don’t want to do, because a lot of the time, a real man has to step up to the plate and do what no one else wants to do.
Bless you for always speaking the truth in love!
Emily Cook
“allowed to get hurt (this took lots of prayer) ”
YES. I have 4 boys 6 and under, and I do pray about this a lot- and all these things! I completely agree with you that we need to raise masculine boys! It breaks my heart that the God-given traits that come with being masculine are either ignored or suppressed or even ridiculed in this culture!
I look forward to this series VERY much.
Emily
http://www.weakandloved.com
Rachel
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. I have 8 boys, 2 girls (one of my boys is with the Lord now after 17 years on earth and 2 are foster) and I will never forget being silly one day and putting make up on my little toddler. The conviction I received from the Lord was so strong as He admonished me “train them in up in the way they SHOULD go….” We need strong men and must train our boys to grown in godly men and fathers.
Anna Friesen
I love this post and definitely agree with keeping our boys masculine. I am a mother to 4 boys and 1 girl and though it isn’t always easy, I am home schooling them. I just wanted to add to your comment on raising boys without a father. I lost my Dad at age 3 1/2 and my mother did an awesome job raising all of us kids including my brothers. 1 runs a successful business and has even built for my mother a new home. The other 2 brothers are fine Christian men with families of their own. Thanks for this post 🙂
Tyanne
Jaqueline,
My husband and I are also very intentional about providing clear gender expectations for our son in the areas of clothing and interpersonal interaction. We desire to raise him up to be a Godly man, be a bold leader in the church and in marriage (if he marries), and to have masculine characteristics. My husband provides a masculine example, and he is already embodying those characteristics at an early age. We believe God has created men and women to be different, and to complement one another with our differences. I love this topic, but partly because I think it is so much more complex than simple expressions of masculinity and femininity, and teaching our children to embody the appropriate characteristics. I think we see the consequences of poor approaches to gender roles from both sides of the semi-political debate. On the one side, the lack of a father figure or unhealthy father-son relationships sometimes result in strikingly feminine characteristics in growing boys. On the other side, however, a heavy emphasis on masculinity can sometimes result in a frightening degree of violence, unhealthy coping habits, and poorly placed aggression. I find the clearest, though extreme, examples of these points are the significant increase in the number of men who identify as homosexual, and on the other side, the fact that every perpetrator of mass shootings in the last 20 years has been male. Obviously the key to doing anything well is keeping faith in Christ at the center of our effort, but I must ask the question: What is our culture teaching our son’s about manhood that results in increased violence and horrific acts of murder by the hands of men? Is it possible to over-emphasize masculinity in an effort to weed out signs of femininity in our boys?
Forgive me for getting long winded! This is a wonderful post, but it has provoked a great deal of thought for me! I’d love to hear your thoughts :).
Jacqueline
Yes, I totally agree. In a home where there is a heavy-handedness, a lack of tender love, laughter, thankfulness, or mutual respect, it would be likely for a violent Spirit to get a hold of a young heart. Couple that with outside influences (violent media, a malignant friend) it would be likely.
If a family spends time in the Word and prays together, loves imperfectly, but without hypocrisy, parents asking forgiveness when they fail and modeling respect for each other and their children, and training the children in character, it would be hard to imagine, but there is also the possibility for corrupting influences to affect a child. A diligent parent(s) will have a sufficiently close bond with their child as to know there is a problem beginning. Is it possible that many of the parents of these mass killers were not in their lives in a significant way?
Tyanne
In some cases the parents were not involved in significant ways, in others I think they claim to be. I guess the question I intend to present is not centered around mass shooters, so much as the strong presence of violence that exists at the hands of “masculine” men. My thoughts were really streaming towards the fact that the culture gives our boys two very different, but very ungodly pictures of masculinity, one rather feminine or blurred gender as you described above, and the other hyper-masculine and often violent. I simply think that we need to be aware and cautious of both extremes, and be on guard as parents trying train up our children to love and honor God. No matter what, leaving our children to learn from the world what it means to be a man will lead them off course, it just may not be off course in the more feminine direction.
Jenn
I could not agree more! My son loves to do anything his Daddy does, and I am SO blessed that my husband initiates an invitation for Gavin, who will be 6 yrs this month, to help. This past weekend they spent getting our lawn ready. My husband invited our son into the excavator and he happily sat in his lap for hours. He also road around in the dump truck hauling loads of gravel. I used to worry about my son not being masculine enough around me, but I’m reminded how much of a manly man his Daddy is, and how much that also means to my husband. Thanks for blessing us with such a wonderful reminder!
Jacqueline
You are welcome, Jenn 🙂 My husband, a businessman, got such delight from being on the tractor with one of the boys (almost every time) when he was home. I had a fear of farm equipment ( I spent time in the ER as a nurse), but the Lord slowly took that away as I prayed through it. It is a journey for all of us.
Gail Thibodeaux
“I used to worry about my son not being masculine enough around me”
I do as well. Being home with my son for his early years, and my husband had so little waking hours with him, made me wary. He would put my dress shoes on and walk around with them until I took them away (couldn’t have him tearing them up) I never wanted to make a big deal about it. I’ve always thought making a big deal about things makes little ones more interested in it. I sometimes joke with him about girl stuff, because I don’t have a girl, but he is adamant about not having anything to do with it. He is very close to his girl cousin and they play with each others toys and enjoy each others make believe games.
I encourage him and my husband to do stuff together, and when patience allows my husband has him right by his side. (This is where much of my prayers are spent) When my son wants to learn from me or copies my behaviors, I take it as a complement. (Like the short time he wanted to take care of a baby doll, I also felt like it was a compliment to my husband, and Sammy knew the proper way to pass on that love.)
Please do not mistake that I’m for the blurring of gender lines, I am not. I am happy that my son is learning to comprimise with his cousin, and also enjoys learning to do some (few) things around the house as well as outdoors. I think this may make life easier when he does get out on his own and/or marries.
Danielle @ More Than Four Walls
This is so near and dear to my heart as we raise our (only child) son. He’s 2 and he is “all boy” and as exhausting as that can be some days ( I know you know what I mean) I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want him to be a man a woman can depend on and look to for care and guidance. A man who is, well, a man.
That said, I also want him to be a man who is not afraid to help out “around the house” and fear loosing his masculinity if he carries a laundry basket or whips up a meatloaf (my husband’s one and only contribution to dinner….but a very excellent one!).
I want our son to know that if times are hard, the week is long or there is a crisis that he can pitch in. He can change a diaper, read a bedtime story and even run the sweeper if need be. I don’t depend on him any more or expect him to do like I used to but I do know that if it’s busy and I ask, he will gladly help me out.
Excellent Post! I look forward to more posts on Raising Sons!
Blessings
Jacqueline
One of the basics of living like Christ is to ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, and our actions and attitudes speak volumes to our children, boy or girl. It starts young, doesn’t it? It sounds like you have the vision needed for the task. Bless you, dear Mama, as you raise your son 🙂
Susan
I am a Christian woman, wife (26 years), with two wonderful children, a daughter (20) and a son (18). I do agree with you about the desensitizing of our children, especially to gender, however, I let my son play with Barbies, wear girls dress up stuff when he was playing with my daughter and other children, etc. He has had his toenails painted when I painted my nails, usually clear or orange or something, but nevertheless I painted them because it was fun and I did not make a big deal out of it. My so is as masculine as all get out. He is a boxer, he dates girls, has no tattoos, piercings, etc. He is quick to help around the house, especially when his father (a firefighter) is on his 24-hour shifts. I appreciate everyones opinion, but I find that even though we are a God fearing, church going Christian family somehow I will be judged for those things I did which you are suggesting I shouldn’t have. I am not being critical I am just making an observation because I think dialogue is very helpful. I appreciate any feedback good or bad. I am just confused. Thank you
Jacqueline
Thank you, Susan, for the dialogue 🙂 I love a ‘man of steel and of velvet’! It is a wonderful balance that they can cook and help clean as well as do strictly manly things! I should have included this as something that is valuable and worthy of a real man! It sounds like you and your husband have modeled well the flexibility needed in a marriage and passed that perspective to your son.
Our boys love to cook, and in the post to come from my friend Ingrid, she shares how she has taught her boys to enjoy helping in the kitchen. They love to cook, but are ‘all boy’. We are in error if we neglect such refined enrichment as reading, making music, helping those in need, good manners at the table, care of siblings, and a sensitivity to the feelings of others, etc.
Thank you so much for bringing that out here!
Danielle
LOVE this! After having 3 girls, I was concerned about our youngest, and only boy. But at a mere 2.5 years old, it is clear that he wants to walk in his daddy’s footsteps–even being home all day with 4 women 😉 Looking forward to your posts on younger boys 🙂
Bambi
As a mom to four girls and four BOYS this subject is near and dear to me, Jacqueline. Thanks for your wise words to younger women!
Tabitha
This is such a great post. My husband has been such a blessing in that he includes our boys in everything he does. I am so grateful for that. They work outside quite a bit, and love even a boring task if it involves a hatchet, saw, hammer, or any other tool! And getting sweaty and dirty is a bonus. 😉 Thank you for your encouragement on teaching our boys to be men!
Melinda (Auntie Em at Auntie Em's Guide)
Yes, yes, yes! I have only one son, but I have about 40 young men I my high school choir, and I do my best to steer them toward Godly manhood!
Jacqueline
Melinda,
What an awesome responsibility! I loved being involved in swing and A Capella choir for 5 years, and would even more love to direct one! I am praying for you, dear friend, as you have a great ministry 🙂
Rebecca Ann
Jacqueline I am so glad to read this article and glad many heartily agree men should be men and women should be women. So that also means boys should be boys and girls should be girls, not feminine boys and masculine girls. Its so crazy how in our culture that is not obvious! Its alarming and crazy! Praise God as you all have said the WORD of God is clear on this and we can honor God by as women being feminine and men can do so by being masculine as God intentioned.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Rebecca
Lisa
It’s amazing how folks are feminizing their boys nowadays. It takes some effort for us to encourage them to manliness, but it is worth it!
My youngest boy has three older sisters, and his brothers are already out of the house, so it’s a challenge for his father and I to raise him as a real MAN! My husband works hard to take him on man-type excursions, which really helps. He also does manly chores about the house, which the girls don’t do.
Yesterday while we were at McDonald’s, the girls wanted to goup to the counter to order some more food, but they felt uncomfortable going by themselves, so they asked their younger brother to go with them to protect them! You should have seen him – all of 9 years old – going to be the protector for his sisters!
Lisa
http://www.TheCourageousJourney.com
LindaG
I can’t stand pink.
The world is feminizing our little boys and teaching little girls to be more masculine. They have been doing it for a while now, along with teaching modified versions of history. It’s so very scary.
Thanks for a great post and good comments, too.
Theresa
I have three grown boys (24, 23 and 20) and six younger daughters. I agree with what you wrote. Our boys are very masculine men, and I credit my strong, masculine (and yet gentle and loving) husband in setting the example. I think fathers play a very important role in the development of strong men. And I agree with you that mothers can encourage the ‘provide and protect’ behavior by asking for help and being gracious about the help provided. Great post! Thank you 🙂
JES
This truth can’t be stressed enough! Excellent post!
Elena
I definitely agree with this although I also think little boys need to learn to nurture as well. I think some parents go to the opposite spectrum when they tell their sons they can’t play with girl toys, etc. I think it’s okay for boys to have a favorite stuffed animal or to play with their sisters in their toy kitchens. I also think it’s okay for them to cry. I grew up with friends (brothers) who were never allowed to cry (even during discipline) because they were told it wasn’t manly. At the same time, I look at a world gone blurry where boys and girls (and men and women) don’t understand or have been told to deny their natural masculine and feminine tendencies. Have you watched a sitcom lately? Dads are bumbling, incompetent, good-natured goofs while moms are confident, savvy and frequently come to their family’s rescue. I believe the last with-it dad was on “The Cosby Show.” The media has a strong influence on our little ones. Oh, to turn the “boob tube” off (at least until our children turn 21)!
Thank you for a thought-provoking post.
Leah
Thank you for sharing! As a single mom trying to raise a Godly man, I am constantly on my knees for God’s intervention and sending the male role models that he needs so that he can be successful in his journey….will continue to pray…nothing is impossible for God. My son was His before he was mine and God knew our situation was going to happen before we did…so I trust!
Rebekah
I am particularly interested in hearing what has worked to train up our men with self control in their thoughtghts and sexuality. This is something my husband and I are always contemplating and praying about as our culture seems so dangerous ad we have a large passel of boys!
Jacqueline
Hello, Rebekah,
Boy, I wish I had the answers.
Again, I think it is prayer and more prayer. We have talked a lot about self-control and self-governance of the thoughts placed in front of us by satan, the flesh, or the world (signs, messages).
**We also have Covenant Eyes on all our computers. I am an affiliate and there is a link to this wonderful resource for computer accountability in my sidebar. We have been protected from SO much and are very grateful for it!!
To see them is not a sin, but to dwell on them is sin. The scripture that the children found very helpful to memorize and claim is 2 Cor. 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
Also,
“How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.” ~Psalm 119: 9-11
Amazingly, my children seem to want to talk about this struggle and have come to me/ or their father to ask for prayer in this area. They are older now and have made their faith their own, but still have a way of communicating a need for prayer.
Key: Don’t shun them when this happens…allow them to come freely w/o judgement and embrace them as fellow sinners that are seeking to do the right thing. Help them understand that the first thing is to run from it (Proverbs 4: 14-15), but when it comes in front to them, they can call on the name of Jesus with the help of the two scriptures I mentioned.
There is no formula, but I hope that helps a little.
Kendra@ A Proverbs 31 Wife
What a true post. The little boy I babysit does not have a dad, and the men in his life come and go. My heart breaks for him so many times. I just found out last night that his grandpa passed away, and from what I understand it was sudden.
He is so hurt inside that I don’t know how to reach him, his mom is very young and they both could really use some prayers.
Susan
Thank you Jacqueline for your kind response. I think if we use common sense and listen to the little voice (God) within it solves a lot of problems. I think people put too much emphasis on things they shouldn’t and not enough on what they should. I would also like to say, nothing is greater than honesty with your child, and the ability to be there and stick around to explain things. We have been truly blessed and I never take it for granted. It is hard being a young mother today and I pray for everyone of them.
Michelle @ The Willing Cook
I’m looking forward to your Raising Sons series! I can use all the tips I can get. I love the truth of this post today. I grieve for the poor boys all around this world that have succumbed to a worldly view of fused gender lines. I pray everyday that my son will grow up be a masculine and Godly man, husband, and father. There are times that I fear and lack trust in an Almighty God because he is sandwiched between 2 girls, is smaller than most boys, and has health issues that have given him more of mommy’s watchful eye. Regardless of these factors, I know that God works all things together to the good of His people and His glory. Amen!
Jessica LaPan
Thank YOU:-) I so tire of the way our culture is trying to create effeminate men. I have one little boy who is almost 4 and the other 3 months. My oldest is a boys boy to the core and i have been frustrated at times by other mothers of boys when we are out playing who discourage their sons at playing like boys. My sons question all the time is “what is wrong with them?” It’s refreshing to read about other mothers who seek to raise not only men but Godly men
Monica
So, let me ask all of you…..what should happen if any of your children, boys or girls, turn out to be gay?……you think “manly” time with dad keeps that from happening?…do you think that “girly clothes” and “girly activities” will help them deny what they feel inside if they should find another girl attractive?
How about spending some time praying about being capable of loving your children unconditionally, no matter what they decide feels “natural” to them?
You don’t MOLD children…..you teach them to love others and themselves, you teach them tolerance and acceptance of themselves and others…..maybe praying to learn these things yourselves would help…..
Karen Nielsen
FINALLY!!! Thank you for writing this – just my words!
Katie
Thank you – someone understands that you can’t change what’s already inside.
Kim@ Not Consumed
I LOVE the hope that is offered in this post to single moms. Raising boys to become godly men is not an easy task for a single momma and I know this tragedy first-hand. I’ve also seen the miraculous hand of an almighty God who promises not to leave His children. While I hold onto that promise everyday, I can’t walk away from this post without this word…if you are a mom in what you think is a “bad” marriage, please don’t read these words of hope and decide that it’s ok to walk away. Marriage is forever. Period. Fight for your marriage, even if you think he isn’t the best daddy, because I promise you- NO daddy (or every other Saturday daddy) is not a better option.
(Disclaimer- if you are being physically harmed by another person, always report it to the police and get help from a trusted counselor.)
Jacqueline
Boy, Kim,
Your heart comes out loud and clear here! I have this huge lump in my throat and the tears are welling-up.
Thank you for being brave and courageous ~ done in the strength of the Lord! I am praying for all of us~ that we will look to Jesus for everything, all the time whether married, single, or divorced; healthy or sick; old or young; with daughters and sons; aged parents, or whatever…looking to Christ as our source is the key to joy and peace. Trials will always be with us until He takes us home. Come quickly Lord Jesus!
Deanna
My husband has lead on this with our sons. He has helped me to let them be boys to do “dangerous” stuff. 🙂
I am thankful, for how else will our sons become men who can protect and work hard, lead through difficulty?
I love your blog Jacqueline…so thankful for the day you commented on my blog and I discovered you and your blog!
jpatti
Anything a male does is masculine; anything a female does is feminine. If a boy likes pink, it’s a masculine pink. If a girl likes wielding a drill, she is a feminine driller.
All the rest is cultural nonsense.
In the past, I was a feminine chemist, a feminine programmer and a feminine truck driver. Because when I do these things, they are feminine.
In my marriage, I do 95% of the cooking and dishes and hubby does 95% of the trash-burning and plumbing fixes.
And he likes chick flicks more than I do.
We neither aim to fit nor to disdain stereotypes of masculine and feminine. Sometimes it fits stereotypes and sometimes it doesn’t and it doesn’t matter either way because we are who we are.
stefanie
I wish I had the courage to send this to my sister in law… My husband was appalled to see she had put a little play-kitchen on her sons birthday list, we bought him some legos instead.
I completely disagree that things are made feminine by virtue of a woman doing them and masculine just because a man does them. Gender really is not a social construct. Just because there are odd exceptions out there, like a man who is fond of chickflicks, doesn’t negate the fact that his like for this girly thing is a feminine attribute. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with a few such quirks in anyone, but I do think it’s normal and healthy and best if men have overwhelmingly masculine characteristics and women, feminine ones.
Even little monkey girls like to play with babies, and the boys do not. Even in animals, there are gender roles.
Alicia
I’m sorry, your husband was appalled to see a play kitchen on a birthday list?! I thought that your post was going to be sarcastic reading that. What is wrong with boys playing at cooking, or actually learning to cook. Do you think he will jump right from your home to a marriage with a perfect feminine woman that will do all that for him, that he doesn’t need to know how to provide sustenance for himself. Or that it would be a helpful thing to know to support that Godly woman who may get sick at some point, might be overwhelmed and need a night here or there where he could cook instead. Has he never seen a professional male chef?! One of my favorite things is cooking WITH my husband, it’s fantastic. I also love it when he cooks for us, he makes the best sauces. We collaborated on a pumpkin pie this week and I don’t consider any of that “un-masculine”. Also, would you balk at getting Legos for a girl?
I think that both boys and girls should learn a variety of skills so that they can feel confident taking care of themselves and to be able to help with whatever may need to be done instead of needing to wait for the right gender to do it. Marriage is a partnership and if the family needs dinner on the table or the drippy faucet fixed either one of us should be able to do it and it would serve our family equally well and honor God just the same.
Also the pink and blue thing (colors ARE a cultural thing, they have no gender-colors are for everyone!) used to be reversed, as I’m sure you all know.
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html
LeAnne
I agree with this 100%! I am a Christian mother striving to raise my boys as godly men in the next generation. My husband is saved; however, he is not in a season of spiritual strength (like he was when I met him, which is what attracted me most to him). Unfortunately, at this stage in our lives, he does not engage with our children daily. He greets them when he gets home from work and sometimes plays around with them for 5 minutes or so. I daily lift my husband and my boys in prayer to God! I have faith that my husband will come around and that his Spirit will be renewed! What is your advice to someone in my situation? How can I teach my kids to be masculine godly men on my own with a disengaged father being present daily in their lives?
Jacqueline
Dear LeAnne,
I wish I had all the answers, but the Word does have something to say. (I struggle-we all do- in this area, so I’m not trying to make you feel guilty here):
“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” 1 Peter 3: 1-6
You feel he is saved, but is it possible he acted like it to win you? (I told my husband I was a Christian, and acted like one, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus when we married) If he is not, 1 Peter 3 really applies!
Do not be afraid! Call on Him and ‘remain in the vine’. The Lord will give you the strength for this in His supernatural power. Your boys need to see you as a feminine, godly woman still at peace with their father, even if he is disengaged or worse. At some point, most boys will identify more with their father, but they will be drawn to Jesus by the beauty and sweet aroma of your faith. Give them no reason to dismiss your faith in the Lord because you disrespect your husband or are a hypocrite. Pray for him with your sons and honor him. Ask forgiveness when you fail. In time they will see the good and bad in both of you, but this way Satan will NOT get a foothold to discredit you.
Is this difficult? Yes, I can attest to it being hard to have a quiet and gentle spirit, but it is the best way to express love of our Lord and to really bless you boys. I am praying now for you, dear one.
Tanisha
Thank you so much for your response. I needed to be told this. I really want my boys to grow up and be godly men. I have not honored their dad like I should. He is just so mean to me and I have gotten tired of his ways. I cannot get weary in well doing, I have to press on. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this word from the scriptures.
Cecil
God did not paint the world in black and white and neither should we. Gender is a scale full of love for all, in what ever hue God created them. Give your children room to grow into the wonderful people God made them, who are you to judge his creations? They are perfect, fill them with love and watch them soar.
Katie
Well said:)
Aimee
Thank you SO MUCH for this! I have two little boys, 2 and 3, and I struggle daily. Your post reminded me that the only way to succeed is to lay it at the foot of the cross. I can’t wait for more posts!
Crystal @ Serving Joyfully
I love this post! For the most part, I completely agree. Our society is going overboard with masculizing women and feminizing men.
However, at the same time, I think we have to be VERY careful of crossing the lines between what our society says a masculine man should be, and what God’s word says a masculine man should be. For example, you mention liking the color pink. My youngest son will sometimes use the pink crayon and if he has a choice he’ll choose pink sometimes. We were at church once and there were cupcakes with pink icing and he wanted pink. Another mom had already told her son “no” when he chose pink, so the lady looked at me to make sure it was okay. I don’t think God’s word says anything about what color a man/woman should like. I think that is entirely our society (our world, which God tells us to rebel against. We should be IN this world but not of it).
Another good example is that our world says a “man” shouldn’t cry, shouldn’t be sensitive at all. Jesus wept. Jesus was sensitive to the needs of this world and others.
Furthermore, I think it can be damaging to imply that the only “good” man is one who is strong and outdoors. There are all kinds of jobs, positions, and interests that men can hold, and they are all necessary in our current society. I don’t think there is only one kind of “real man,” and I don’t think the Bible implies that a “real man” should have a certain kind of physical strength.
Jacqueline
Crystal,
You are so right. It was beyond the scope of the post, but some of the things we desire is for our sons to be compassionate, kind, sensitive to the needs of others (but not so much to their own needs), and hard workers (if they have the physical strength ~ barring illness, etc.) wherever they are given the talent to work. Some men are watchmakers, chefs, or chemists and not inclined to be outside, but that doesn’t make them any less manly. You make a good point! Also, we must remember that there are those with physical limitations from disease of injury who are still making a difference in the world with their ideas for good. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…” ~ Col. 3: 23 That says to work at it with your heart; if that is right nothing else matters! Thank you for the reminder, sister!
Elijah Moreau
While I can understand what seems to be the collective view on gender and sexuality, and on some points, respectfully abstain from comment or judgement, there are some things I feel that would better be said than be ignored. The main thing I suppose, is that in trying to make a clear distinction between the sexes and their respective genders, the whole idea of gender expression has gone a bit out of proportion here. Sure, men can be manly, and women equally feminine, but it seems absurd to me that some of the postings on here are so adamantly polar with feminine and masculine qualities. I’m not saying that men and women can’t be opposite, and I respect your views that they should be, but please allow some leniency for the grey areas–because there are some, there really are. In the same way that everyone is different, not everything is 100% ionic or covalent; and not everything is 100% male or female. There are (even medically, it is a rare chromosomal effect where someone may have only testosterone or estrogen in their system) varying ratios of maleness to femaleness in every person. Though it is a fact that gender roles in society are becoming more neutral and/or (in a sense) swapped (and that may be a radical thing at a certain extent, who knows what the effect will be) does it have to be such an awful thing that many of you (yes, I did actually read all of these posts) are actually scared of your boy’s being less “manly”? Does a feminine man, or a masculine woman need to be considered “disgusting” or “disgraceful”? In your world scenario, society would revert back to the 1800’s where women were always very “feminine” and worked in the kitchen and bore children and tended the garden, and men were all so “masculine” and were called to and killed in the army, and hunted, and were the masters of society? I’m sure you know this as well as I do, but God created all of us equally, and loves none of us with all his being. Or so says the Bible. It frightens me that you all seem to be so frightened of societal change, and blame it all on blasphemy. I mean no disrespect, really I don’t, but after coming across something such as this, I felt a responsibility (as one maybe not quite from your side) to acknowledge it and post maybe a counter point to this topic. I could not bring myself to leave this page quietly. Please acknowledge that life is not so black and white as some interpretations of the Bible make it appear to be. I will say again, God made us in his own image, with His love.
My email address is [email protected]. I put it out for recognition if any of you would like to convince me otherwise or contact me at all.
Juana
Thank you for your writings much needed
Jennifer Lambert
Excellent. I agree and I have been so nervous about my son’s toenails being orange. Being our youngest and having to go everywhere with me and three sisters, we ended up at a special treat the other week to get pedicures and manicures before Easter services. He didn’t understand at age 3 why he shouldn’t too. I told him he could only get paint on his toenails and it could only be blue or orange and he was happy. It was a compromise and I will certainly try to leave him with Dad next time. We certainly encourage him to be masculine, and he loves to help his dad and play with balls and cars and dirt, but he loves to cook too. I just hope he will be well-rounded and sensitive having three older sisters to watch. He’s already a protector and gentleman.
Katie
Here’s my question: why are you so concerned with training your kids to be the way you want them to be, rather than letting them be who they are? I’m a Christian, so I’m certainly not attacking your beliefs, but I’m just curious. I don’t disapprove of homosexuality, although I definitely don’t encourage it!
Thanks,
Katie
Jacqueline
Katie,
The short answer is because Scripture commands it and a Christian, loving others as she should, would abhor the thought of being a visual stumbling block.
The view I have of the world is based on what the Word of God says. It says to “to keep oneself unstained from the world.” James 1: 27
It says that we can be an influence on others: “when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.” And it says: “I will conduct the affairs of my house with a blameless heart. I will not look with approval
on anything that is vile.” Psalm 101: 2b-3
I care what God sees when He looks at my heart, and I want others to have that perspective. We must realize we are responsible for our actions (or in this case), lack of protecting our daughters. It might spare even just one girl heartache, then it is worth the time.
On the day of judgment, we will hear God say either “Depart from Me, I never knew you.” or “Well done, good and faithful servant… enter into the joy of your Master.” (Matthew 7:23; 25:21). I want to hear that I can enter in…
Katie, there are also other verses I referenced in the post. What we sow, we reap. I hope that helps 🙂
Katie
Thanks, but I’m still confused – I know the Bible says homosexuality it wrong, but why would you want to force something your kid isn’t naturally drawn to? Can’t they just be themselves?
Oh, and could you please answer in your own words, so I’ll understand it from your point of view?
Thanks!:)
Jacqueline
Dear Katie,
Ultimately, we cannot change what the child is drawn to (as a child in our home, he is still drawing influence from us, but also remains a willful being). However, we CAN give wholesome alternatives and be truly winsome about it and continue steadfast in prayer fully loving that child. Someday that child may hit rock bottom and see the need for a direction correction, and we should and must be there to help and love. It is the Holy Spirit who convicts, but no mention of the ways and Word of God (our being mute and not shedding truth on how we can honor the God of all) while that child is pliable will lead that child to destruction. https://deeprootsathome.com/habits-in-the-home/
Thank you so much for your comments and may you be blessed today in the Lord! J
Katie
Ok, thank you. That makes sense.
May you be blessed as well!
"Bubbles"
I have nothing against raising boys to be more “masculine” but I think that taking a photograph and making it about something completely unrelated is not right. I have very masculine brothers and at one time when they were younger I painted their nails. It was something that I liked as a girl that they wanted to share with me in the same way that I wanted to climb trees and go digging in mud with them, and that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t raised to be feminine, nor that they weren’t raised to be masculine. All this photo captures is a fun moment between a mother and her son, don’t turn it into something it isn’t. Who says a boy can’t like pink? Would you say that girls can’t like blue?
bambi
I have a 5 year old son. While he’s very aware he’s a boy and loves nothing more then getting dirty, fixing things and helping he also wants to do things like his sister’s. He has had his toenails painted more then once, but has always used ‘boy’ colors (red, blue, green)….. While my mother thinks this terrible and that we should be teaching him that boys don’t do this I disagree. For a few reasons. 1: he’s spending time with his sister. 2: when he gets to be a father if he has little girls it’s important that he can play with them. 3: while our society tries very hard to tell people what they should be my brothers are Very firm and confident men and they both sport purple and pink on occasion.
We still do our best to raise our son to love God and be a man
Jacqueline
Awesome, Bambi! I think that you are balanced and right on in so many ways. We (I) can’t put such tigh constraints around such a topic and without being legalistic. I hope you know the spirit in which I was writing. sometimes it is hard to capture the ‘whole’ essence w/o being too wordy. Hopefully it didn’t come across as judgmental or narrow, and I really love that you took a moment and shared your thoughts here 🙂 Blessings to you, Bambi.
Levi
I often wonder, with posts like this, if the parents realize how limiting these attitudes are — I mean, really, getting upset over nail polish? It does wash off, you know. And the idea that boys shouldn’t play with dolls or kitchens is simply ludicrous. Some of my best childhood memories were me and my brother playing with an easy bake oven. And my brother liked that thing more than I did! I mean, it was cool for a couple weeks, then I was over it. Jonathan, however, would use it a lot. I much preferred more rough and tumble things, and did as much as I was allowed to get away with. And ironically, I am better at fixing stuff than my brother is, and he’s a much better homemaker than I am. He’s no less masculine for it — it just turned out that he had the inclination for it and I didn’t; the ‘feminine’ things I simple do not have the inclination or patience for.
I remember working a carnival with my then fiancee. He didn’t want me helping with rides (putting them together or taking them apart) because, and I quote, “If you break a nail, you’re going to get upset.” Keep in mind I had always — except for rare occasions — had extremely short nails, and had only started growing them because he insisted I should. I had to laugh, and inform him that if I broke a nail, /he/ was the one who would be upset. I really couldn’t care less if I broke one; like magic, they would grow back if I could be bothered to let them. He was, thankfully, overruled by both the owner of the carnival and the owner’s son. I will never forget Cody telling him, after seeing me lift a bar weighing 150lbs, “Remind me never to get her mad at me — that girl’s /strong/.” See, my ex had forgotten that I’d always worked physical jobs requiring strength and endurance; I am a veterinary assistant, and we all have to be able to lift and carry a minimum of 50lbs on a daily basis (think dogs like German Shepherds and Boxers). I think that summer taught him that I was not this tiny, dainty thing he was stubbornly trying to force me to be. Feminine, yes, but definitely not dainty by any stretch of the imagination. It always seemed to escape him that I did not do most typically feminine things. I mean, the man only saw me wear a skirt once or twice in the year we knew each other.
Seriously, though, were I not a woman who knew her own strength and was happy with it, I would have married this guy and been miserable — he was not someone I should have agreed to marry for many reasons,and posts like this exemplify why — he had precisely this attitude, though he wasn’t Christian. We never would have worked out, for he never would have accepted either my strength or my independence, and I never would have allowed him to change my essential self, EVER.
Be careful to raise your boys to know that there are women like me in the world, and we will never, never consent to be constricted to the notion that women cannot do the things they do, because we can. Am I as strong as a man? No, of course not. This doesn’t mean I am not allowed to use the gifts and talents God has given me, which apparently lean toward the stereotypically masculine.
Should you have daughters, don’t keep them from exactly the things you are teaching your boys, either. It doesn’t affect their sexuality at all — I know many, many lesbians who are stereotypically feminine, and gay men who are stereotypically masculine. Talent and inclination does not indicate sexual behavior at all. It really doesn’t.
Victoria
We read this blog for my English class this semester and there were several questions raised after. We all wondered if you had a daughter would you discourage her from participating in the same hobbies your sons enjoyed? How do you justify single parent households or children that are adopted? What if you had raised your sons alone? and the last question was, we understand how boys need their father but what roll does the mother play and if a son looks up to his mother or imitate slightly some of her behaviors does that make him less of a man? I hope you could clarify some of these talking points It would be an excellent addition to our learning community.
karen
You are living in the dark ages lady. I hope one of your kids come out of he closet and becomes one of the biggest queens the world has ever seen,
Anon
I completely understand that your ideology is your own. However, encouraging boys “to be boys” does not allow for self-exploration. For a guy to want his nails done, make up did, hair grown long is absolutely not harming anyone. The only *thing* it harms is the minuscule gender binary and gender stereotypes society boxes people – kids and adults alike. These boxes restrict the genders forced on babies – girl or boy – when they are two young to even understand what they mean, to young to understand that they do not have to fit into “boy” or “girl”. By preventing boys from exploring their “feminine” side (a side that is stereotyped by society as PINK EVERYTHING, quiet voices, frilly dresses) could make them feel alienated when one day they are messing around in a make up box and realize they enjoy the look of eyeliner and sculpted eyebrows. Does any parent want their child to feel unsafe in their skin because they were raised with a narrow sense on sense of self and the world? I think not. Girls wearing pants and playing sports are already more accepted than boys wearing skirts and dying their hair pink. Why shouldn’t boys be given the same, gender neutral respect?
I could be talking out my butt, especially because I don’t have children of my own. However, it seems like common sense to let a child discover for their own self where they want to fall on the gender spectrum, or even things they like that are stereotypically of the “opposite” gender. Many friends of mine were in deep despair and depression being forced into either “girl” or “boy”, or even just being made fun of when they liked something that they “shouldn’t” like. Finally finding the courage to explore other gender identities or finding acceptance of liking things they were taught to scorn made them feel infinitely more comfortable in their skin and their life.
Finally, I may add that boys raised by single mothers without a biological father and/or a father figure are doing just fine. Single mothers are strong as steel and it takes a heck of a lot to raise a child alone. The same goes for daughters raised by single fathers.
I am not at all claiming that anyone who raises their children in this binary way is wrong. I just am suggesting that letting children like whatever they want will lead to self love and acceptance, instead of hatred.
Carol Wren
What advice would you give to me? I have a 12 yr. old son whom I adore. My husband tries very hard to get him more involved with masculine things like hunting, fishing, etc. but he resist and seems to resent his dad. He shares his heart with me, but what he shares worries me tremendously. I have always tried to encourage a better relationship between him and his dad. He is VERY sensitive and he likes playing girl games and the color pink. I reinforce manly roles as pointed out in the Bible, he has preferred playing with girls over boys since I can remember, as early as age 2. We are a christian family and it’s so hard for me to confide in people I know about this because I don’t feel they understand. Please help.
Jacqueline
Carol, I am not sure that I have any solid advice. I would love to tell you 3 points and have the implications you are feeling just go away. *Individual* hearts are such precious, but as you mentioned, sensitive things. As a mother, you have several things going for you. He loves you and is talking with you. He is still younger, but at the cusp of puberty. May I email you and privately talk some more? If you respond, I will email back, spend some time with my thoughts, and we can pray as well. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33
Hugs to you. Grace and mercy, J
Sharon
Thank you so much for writing this article. My heart aches to see what is happening to our boys today. I only hope more speak up as you have. It is a very important topic that needs to be brought to light.
Jacqueline
THank you, Sharon, for your encouragement! Let’s do pray together as sisters for the Lord to work mightily in their precious hearts to stir and grow them to be tender warriors for His glory! Hugs, Mama! ~J