I know this may upset some readers – but please understand what is being addressed. This is not speaking of the child with medical/physical challenges. This is speaking of the healthy child that is allowed to create bad (and disrespectful) habits from their youngest years. [PS I am guilty of some, too — thankfully there is grace].
“When we stop teaching, demanding and applying the consequences, we are building ignorance. An ethically-built knowledge (of responsibility and work) enriches the individual, society and the world around – for life. A small educational (teaching) action (by a parent) today brings big and important differences in the future.” ~Içami Tiba
Içami Tiba, a Brazilian educator and speaker, reflects on what happens when we don’t utilize rules and teach self-control to our young children. It tends to generate young adults who will need to be sustained for the rest of their lives.
Tiba says, parents who do these things will undermine their children:
1. Do for the child what he can do on his/her own
2. Fail to give instructions that he has to fulfill
3. Ignore rude answers, disrespect for others
4. Allow the child to impose his will on those around him
5. Agree with everything the child does and says just so as not to contradict him
6. Believe that “the child does not lie” or “he does not even know what he does”
7. Allow the child to spend food money on other things
8. Take or assume responsibility for what your child does
9. Be silent when you realize your child has falsified your signature
10. Repeat the same order many times
11. Allow pushing or shoving (for clarification see The Lost Art of Roughhousing: Why Roughhousing Makes Kids Awesome)
12. Be okay with conniving or manipulation
13. Accept low grades, those below which the healthy child is capable
14. Outsource the education of children (see One College Prof’s Experience With a Homeschool Student)
15. Ignore the trash the child has thrown on the floor
16. Allow children at home to be impolite and then fake politeness in public
17. Encourage personal gain from any financial advantage you have
18. Justify the failures of children as the errors of others
19. Tolerate lies, betrayals, petty theft, etc.
20. Minimize compliance with established rules and express commands
21. Make excuses for your own failures
22. Change existing rules to favor children (see Parenting Strategies For the Child Who Rules You and Your Home)
23. Allow them to try drugs
24. Pretend that you do not recognize ingratitude and abuse from your child
25. Instigate religious, financial, family, sexual superiority, etc.
26. Divide the world into smart and dumb people
27. Be complicit in the transgressions and misdemeanors of your children
28. Put your son or daughter above all others
29. Help the child do tests or do your child’s homework
30. Threaten your child’s friends or teachers for your child’s mistakes
There are many families that would never tolerate or facilitate this kind of behavior, but sometimes we may think we are being good parents while doing them because we only want our children to be happy. I’ve had to work on making sure I’m not guilty of some of these myself. It’s a constant self-check…
“The earlier the parents begin to make the laws of order and beauty and quietness comprehensible to their children, the sooner they will acquire good, strong notions of what is so basic to real godliness: self-denial. A Christian home should be a place of peace, and there can be no peace where there is no self-denial.” ~Elisabeth Elliot
Don’t Become Discouraged
Parents, it is not too late. With God’s help you can turn the tide. It will not be easy but it is doable! Children most of all need boundaries and feel secure when these exist. Provide these things and see your home do a complete turn around!
There is no need for the child to rule the home—peace CAN reign, but it takes trust in God, hard work, time and love. Know that you and your husband are doing the right thing both for your daughter’s sake and your home. While I cannot address all I’d like to on such a broad topic such as parenting in one post-I hope this little bit helps.
Note to parents: Hidden additives in food can cause unsuspected challenges and can undermine reasonable, purposeful parenting. Our children’s food allergies were never allowed to be an excuse for bad behavior. A child still needs to be responsible for their own actions and learn to conquer their own self-will.
Check for food issues. Dyes, food additives, preservatives, unknown food allergies.
- The Surprising Food That May Cause Anger & Aggression
- Evidence: How Foods With Additives Affect Children’s Behavior
- Addictive Flavors & The Foods To Avoid That Contain Them
Books On Purposeful Parenting:
- The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo
- James Dobson books: The Strong-Willed Child, Love Must Be Tough, Bringing Up Boys, and The New Dare To Discipline
- Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom For Raising Your Child, John Rosemond
- Shepherding Your Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp