I know this may upset some readers – but please understand what is being addressed. This is not speaking of the child with medical/physical challenges. This is speaking of the healthy child that is allowed to create bad (and disrespectful) habits from their youngest years. [PS I am guilty of some, too — thankfully there is grace].
“When we stop teaching, demanding and applying the consequences, we are building ignorance. An ethically-built knowledge (of responsibility and work) enriches the individual, society and the world around – for life. A small educational (teaching) action (by a parent) today brings big and important differences in the future.” ~Içami Tiba
Içami Tiba, a Brazilian educator and speaker, reflects on what happens when we don’t utilize rules and teach self-control to our young children. It tends to generate young adults who will need to be sustained for the rest of their lives.
Tiba says, parents who do these things will undermine their children:
1. Do for the child what he can do on his/her own
2. Fail to give instructions that he has to fulfill
3. Ignore rude answers, disrespect for others
4. Allow the child to impose his will on those around him
5. Agree with everything the child does and says just so as not to contradict him
6. Believe that “the child does not lie” or “he does not even know what he does”
7. Allow the child to spend food money on other things
8. Take or assume responsibility for what your child does
9. Be silent when you realize your child has falsified your signature
10. Repeat the same order many times
11. Allow pushing or shoving (for clarification see The Lost Art of Roughhousing: Why Roughhousing Makes Kids Awesome)
12. Be okay with conniving or manipulation
13. Accept low grades, those below which the healthy child is capable
14. Outsource the education of children (see One College Prof’s Experience With a Homeschool Student)
15. Ignore the trash the child has thrown on the floor
16. Allow children at home to be impolite and then fake politeness in public
17. Encourage personal gain from any financial advantage you have
18. Justify the failures of children as the errors of others
19. Tolerate lies, betrayals, petty theft, etc.
20. Minimize compliance with established rules and express commands
21. Make excuses for your own failures
22. Change existing rules to favor children (see Parenting Strategies For the Child Who Rules You and Your Home)
23. Allow them to try drugs
24. Pretend that you do not recognize ingratitude and abuse from your child
25. Instigate religious, financial, family, sexual superiority, etc.
26. Divide the world into smart and dumb people
27. Be complicit in the transgressions and misdemeanors of your children
28. Put your son or daughter above all others
29. Help the child do tests or do your child’s homework
30. Threaten your child’s friends or teachers for your child’s mistakes
There are many families that would never tolerate or facilitate this kind of behavior, but sometimes we may think we are being good parents while doing them because we only want our children to be happy. I’ve had to work on making sure I’m not guilty of some of these myself. It’s a constant self-check…
“The earlier the parents begin to make the laws of order and beauty and quietness comprehensible to their children, the sooner they will acquire good, strong notions of what is so basic to real godliness: self-denial. A Christian home should be a place of peace, and there can be no peace where there is no self-denial.” ~Elisabeth Elliot
Don’t Become Discouraged
Parents, it is not too late. With God’s help you can turn the tide. It will not be easy but it is doable! Children most of all need boundaries and feel secure when these exist. Provide these things and see your home do a complete turn around!
There is no need for the child to rule the home—peace CAN reign, but it takes trust in God, hard work, time and love. Know that you and your husband are doing the right thing both for your daughter’s sake and your home. While I cannot address all I’d like to on such a broad topic such as parenting in one post-I hope this little bit helps.
Note to parents: Hidden additives in food can cause unsuspected challenges and can undermine reasonable, purposeful parenting. Our children’s food allergies were never allowed to be an excuse for bad behavior. A child still needs to be responsible for their own actions and learn to conquer their own self-will.
Check for food issues. Dyes, food additives, preservatives, unknown food allergies.
• The Surprising Food That May Cause Anger & Aggression
• Evidence: How Foods With Additives Affect Children’s Behavior
• Addictive Flavors & The Foods To Avoid That Contain Them
Books On Purposeful Parenting:
• The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo
• James Dobson books: The Strong-Willed Child, Love Must Be Tough, Bringing Up Boys, and The New Dare To Discipline
• Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom For Raising Your Child, John Rosemond
• Shepherding Your Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp
• Family Mealtime: Lost Ingredient For Civilizing Children
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Mrs L
Thank you Jackie, I am a long time reader and appreciator of your blog.
Just a quick question- would you be able to help clarify the idea of peace in a Christian home?
Elisbeth Elliott’s comment about teaching children quietness is a new idea to me (beyond ‘indoor’ and ‘outdoor’ voice instructions etc). My children are all helpful and respectful, though of course we have to deal with normal issues at different stages of development.
However, I have three boys- 9,7 and 4- in what I consider “full puppy stage” regarding energy levels, and I have to say- my house is seldom what I would consider peaceful- nor all that quiet. (An eleven year old girl and a two year old girl add their own timbres to the din as well)
(I recall here that Elisabeth raised one girl child rather than a hoard of boys- not making excuses for my own noisy house you understand- just checking for differences in experiences/expectations)
Is the kind of peace Elisabeth means different to my notions of orderliness and respect? What expectations should I have in my season?
Soon 3 boys
I am in the same boat Mrs L. As I listen to Farmer Boy it seems boys can be quiet and calm. But I would take major issue disciplining my boys all.day.long. It is getting out of hand at the same time… following to hear other’s opinions…
Jacqueline
Hi, Soon 3 boys!! I do understand as we always had a houseful of boys as we homeschooled! Read this and relax 😀
https://deeprootsathome.com/roughhousing-kids-emotional-development/ They do need to burn off steam, but there (as with everything else) will be a balance! I made a lot of mistakes, and so we just need to trust the Lord to guide us as we seek wisdom on all these things! Hang in there momma <3 ~J
Jacqueline
Hi, Mrs. L! Boy, I understand this question and just tried to answer it a minute ago! her is what I said:
I do understand as we always had a houseful of boys as we homeschooled! Read this and relax 😀
https://deeprootsathome.com/roughhousing-kids-emotional-development/
Boys, especially, do need to burn off a lot of steam, but there (as with everything else) will be a balance! I made a lot of mistakes, and so we just need to trust the Lord to guide us as we seek wisdom on all these things! I think by peace, EE means a love and courtesy underlying the boyishness, but nOT volume quietness. Girls can be louder, too, and our dtr loved to be a part of the happy exuberance! They were notified, though, when they were not kind or allowing the others to be safe or cared for… but loud? Yes, they were louder when it wasn’t time for meals, study, music, reading, and getting ready for bed…
That said, they had plenty of time to play and then I encouraged them to full-out running, roughhousing and ‘getting dirty’ play. They had to clean up before they came into the house after that – again to show respect for our home and for me as their mom – or I had them clean it up to my standards 😀
I hope that helps (and the roughhousing post helps)!
Hang in there momma <3 One day these days will be distant memories, and we will wish we had them back Hugs, ~J
Mariana
I agree with most of these, except for “outsourcing education.” You link to an article that touts the benefits of homeschooling. While I wholeheartedly agree that homeschooling can be a wonderful thing, it is not for everyone. Many people can’t homeschool due to the need for two parents to work, or a child with special needs that needs services a parent can’t provide on their own, or for a variety of other reasons. Having a child attend school outside the home isn’t “outsourcing” their education. That’s a very judgmental term. Attending school outside the home can be a healthy, positive choice for many families.
Jacqueline
Hi, Mariana!
I agree that it CAN be a healthy choice, but it is OFTEN not.
I do not feel stating the facts and the downsides of outsourcing is wrong or judgemental. There are many who do not know the downsides, maybe bc they are distracted or very busy. If we didn’t discuss outsourcing education from a statistical view, they could send their child off to be indoctrinated and I would be culpable for not telling the truth!
If one parent really wants to 100% protect your child from sexual abuse, bullying, indoctrination and take an active role in their child’s life (in a 2 parent home), sometimes we need to take the emphasis off having as high of a lifestyle and make your children’s years at home the priority. It really comes down to seeking the Lord and allowing him to chart your course. If you are putting your help in Him alone, He WILL provide all you need!
I hope that helps you understand my viewpoint!
Jacqueline
Please read this post: https://deeprootsathome.com/regulations-homeschooling-abuse/
Mariana
You are correct that stating the facts isn’t judgemental. What I mean to say is that the term “outsourcing” has a negative connotation. Also, you say that sometimes we need to take an emphasis off having as high of a lifestyle and make our children’s years at home a priority. I think many people do that… They budget, they scrimp, they save, they don’t have new things or take vacations, and yet due to the high cost of living in many areas- it still requires 2 parents to work. In my area of the country, a 2-bedroom apartment averages $1,800 in an unsafe neighborhood and $2,000+ in a decent neighborhood. Factor in food (even if you meal plan, cook from scratch, coupon, etc.), basic clothing and shoes for growing children, etc., it adds up and it’s nearly impossible to do on one income. Did you know that anything below $81,000 for a family of 3 in Los Angeles is considered low-income? http://www.laalmanac.com/social/so24.php
Of course, we have to do all we can to protect our children, but parents have to meet children’s basic need for food and shelter first. And unfortunately, it’s very difficult to do that in some areas of the country. I’ve heard people say, “Then you should just move,” but that often requires leaving behind extended family and moving also costs a lot of money.
Just my perspective… I would never tell anyone who is working to provide for their children that they are “outsourcing” their education. Like, I said, that has a negative and shameful connotation.
Jennifer
Mariana, (and anyone else reading) I just wanted to reply to your last comment. As I was reading I thought, “You could move,” then you said it. It is true. Families can move. Or, they can choose to stay in a very expensive area.
It all comes down to priorities.
My husband and I were born and raised in the San Franciso Bay Area of California. After having children I never worked outside the home again. He has provided for our family for over 25 years, and we have 11 children.
When we were 30 years old and had 6 children, we sold our beautiful 5 bedroom, 3200 square foot home and moved to Missouri.
We left behind our parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, best friends, etc. Even my oldest son stayed behind.
We sold that CA house for $330.000 and in Missouri we purchased 10 acres with a 2 bedroom, 720 square foot mobile home for $30.000.
That was 18 years ago and we’ve never looked back. Moving was the best thing we could have done for our family. My adult children thank me now for moving.
I say all this to say that I completely understand what is involved and can tell you that it is 100% worth the cost, inconvenience, separation from family, etc. to move your children to a place where both parents don’t have to work and the cost of living isn’t hyperinflated.
Since that time both my parents and my husband’s parents have moved out here, my oldest son has lived out here for many years now, my brother in law is here now, a year into the move our friends (one family) moved here, and just last week my husband’s childhood friend who he’s kept in touch with moved out here with his family as well.
We are real estate investors and buy and sell all the time, we can find you a house for a fraction of what you’re paying in LA. You likely have enough equity to not even have a house payment here. We haven’t had a house payment in 18 years. I can’t tell you how freeing it is. <3
Jacqueline
Jennifer!
I love your story! It is so powerful and encouraging!
Ours is similar in that we left Carmel/Zionsville, IN and found 440 acres and hour north for half the price of 14 acres in the high cost burbs!
We bought an old bankrupt daitry farm and raised grass fed Belted Galloways and homeschooled ours. We had no debt and so many more freedoms!
If we want to, we can do that! It is a matter of priorities as you said, and liberating to body, mind and soul!
Blessings,
~Jacque
Akanksha
Hi Jacqueline. I really like your blogs. In context of the above blog I want to ask what should I do when my husband and mother in law pamper my son and warn him to stay away from me. My son is 13. I cannot discipline him in such case. Rather in order to have at least some peaceful relationship with him I have to pamper him and ignore his low grades and even disrespect.
Jacqueline
Hi, Akanksha, I am sorry, but I am not able to really counsel on such a complex issue as i am having time management issues here.
That is so hard for you I am sure.
Please pray to the Lord Jesus Christ for wisdom and seek Him with all of your heart. Get a Bible and read it daily, and little by little God can speak to you and your situation.
If you know Jesus, He will not fail to guide you but make sure you really trust him and not your own wisdom, for when we try to do it in our own power, we will always fail!
I am praying now!
~Jacqueline