I share another important post by homeschool mom Michelle Caskey (with permission) because we both want to encourage and inspire you as you learn to relate to your boys.
Contrary to popular opinion in our modern society, boys think, see, hear and process very differently than girls. This isn’t to say that men are better than women or vice versa. Just different. And we would be wise to recognize these differences and to celebrate them rather than trying to pretend that they aren’t there or trying to make them go away.
I was fortunate to hear Dr. Gregory Jantz on a recent Focus on the Family episode talking about his book, Raising Boys by Design. Dr. Jantz is a licensed mental health counselor who advocates treating the whole person rather than just their symptoms. His book is based on the latest brain science research as well as on timeless truths from the Bible.
During the program, Dr. Jantz said that if we want our boys to become all that God has created them to be, it’s important for us to understand how we can best connect with them and nurture their God-given talents and abilities.
Some of the points Dr. Jantz spoke about were new to me. Some of them corroborated points I’ve been trying to make on my blog for a long time. But all of his advice was extremely useful when it comes to understanding our sons and how best to relate to them. There are always exceptions to every rule, however these qualities are good starting points when we are trying to better connect with our sons.
Here are 9 Important Things to Understand About Our Sons:
1 – Our son’s brains work differently
Sometimes, it’s difficult for us moms to understand what is going on in our son’s mind, and that is because their brains don’t work the same way that ours do. First, they benefit from lots of movement while they are learning. It’s important for us to try to make their lessons active. Give them plenty of brain breaks.
And we should try to keep their lessons on the shorter side rather than droning on and on. Another important point is that boys generally have fewer pathways connecting the left and right hemispheres of their brain than do girls. This makes them think sequentially and less able to multi-task. If you find your son getting confused or forgetting what you’ve asked him to do, try giving him one thing to process at a time. Keep it simple.
2 – They need to move
It’s not unusual to see boys tapping their pencils, bouncing their foot, fiddling with objects, pacing the floor, or squirming in their seats. This is because boys use movement to keep themselves awake and alert. Rather than having your son sit on a chair, consider getting him a ball chair. Allow him to have an object in his hands to mess with while he does his work.
If you want to have a conversation with your son, do something with him at the same time. Go for a walk, play catch, do something besides just sitting there and staring at him.
3 – Our sons need us to believe in them
Males have fragile egos. They need us to remind them that they are special and that God has a plan for their lives. They need us to believe in them. They need to believe that we are working to one day let them go!
Be sure to speak positive words over your son – not just for what he does but for who he is. When you tuck him into bed at night, remind him that God has designed him a specific way for a purpose. Our sons need our encouragement.
4 – Boys have different nutritional needs than girls
I recently learned how an easily corrected deficiency in diet can actually cause active brains to function poorly – in all of us, but especially in boys. Read more about brain starvation and what causes it here.
5 – They benefit from godly mentors, esp. men!
Boys learn so much from their parents, however, they also benefit greatly from non-family members who are willing to speak truth into their lives. This can come from a vetted coach, a vetted pastor, or a trusted friend. When a boy has a mentor who can see value in how God made him, this can increase his confidence immeasurably.
It’s also extremely beneficial for parents to have someone else backing up what they are trying to tell their sons. You want the coolest people they know to agree with your values. Be intentional about helping your son to form these kinds of relationships.
6 – Our sons will talk if we know how to listen
Ever had the experience where you ask your son a question and he says, “I don’t know” or “Fine?” Females are generally much more verbal than are males, although, that is not always the case. If you have a son who isn’t a talker, there are some things you can do to help draw him out.
Try to have a conversation with him while doing something. Rather than making him sit down and look you in the eye, go for a walk with him or throw a ball back and forth while you talk. This type of activity actually helps boys pay better attention to what you’re saying. And rather than asking them how they feel about something, ask them what they think about it.
7 – They want us to connect with them
It’s easy to mistakenly think that your son doesn’t want to have a relationship with you if you go by how often he initiates a conversation with you or by how much he enjoys spending time alone in his room. But fortunately, there are ways to help keep a close connection with your son.
The best way to do this is to enter your son’s world. Spend some time doing something with him that he enjoys doing. If he loves playing video games, play with him. If he loves shooting hoops, go out and play Pig or Horse with him.
Talk about things he enjoys talking about. Ask him questions about his interests. Ask about his friends or about what he’s doing in youth group. Show interest in him!
8 – They need us to respect them
Men want to be heroes and our sons are men in training. They have the same need for respect that our husbands have. God has placed a desire to be great and a need to conquer inside each of our sons. This desire will cause them to want to compete with those around them to prove their worth. They love to have battles! They like to come out on top.
The positive side of this is that we can use their competitive spirit to help them want to improve and to grow. The downside is that our boys put a lot of pressure on themselves to be better than the next guy. As moms, we need to allow our sons to have constructive outlets where they’re able to satisfy their competitive urges. This is where team sports can play such a beneficial role in the lives of our boys. Boys who aren’t athletic can benefit from participating in science fairs, music competitions, chess clubs, boy scouts, 4H, and other competitive activities.
9– Our sons learn best from natural consequences
Boys like to play rough, and as moms, it can be difficult to watch. When my boys are scrapping with each other, I like to break it up to make sure no one gets hurt. Dr. Jantz says that boys learn by fighting each other. Moms want to intervene but our sons are just playing and having fun. Roughhousing makes your kid awesome!
He warns about trying to keep our boys from experiencing any kind of harm. He says that our boys learn from natural consequences – so much more than from lectures. We need to remember that if our son gets a scrape on his knee it isn’t going to kill him, and it will teach him to go about things differently next time.
Boys and girls are very different from each other. And that’s a good thing. God has specifically created us so that our differences will compliment each other. If you’re interested in learning more about your sons, I highly recommend the book Raising Boys by Design by Dr. Gregory Jantz.
Sometimes it’s hard for moms of boys to understand what’s going on in the minds of our sons. It’s very apparent that they don’t think the same way that we do! But when we attempt to learn about how their minds work and learn how to best connect with them, we will be much more successful at building strong relationships with our sons and helping them to feel confident and comfortable in themselves.
Question: Has your son done anything that has been confusing to you? Have you learned any tips which have helped you to connect better with your son? Please leave a comment below.
Hi, I’m Michelle. Being a mom to boys can be hard! Homeschooling boys can be even harder, but I’m here to tell you that having sons is a blessing – and it is possible to connect with them and to enjoy spending your days with them. My desire is that Homeschool-Your-Boys will be a place where parents can be inspired to teach their sons in an environment which will most engage their minds and their hearts.
Click on Michelle’s profile photo to go to Homeschool-Your-Boys! This insightful blog is a treasure trove!
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Roxy
I’m a mom of 4 boys. Some of the things written in these article is so true. Some of it however if I took it at face value I would find myself being run over by my boys and jumping unnecessary hoops to accommodate them in the name of they are boys.
Phil Alethes
> “Dr. Jantz said that if we want our boys to become all that God has created them to be, it’s important for us to understand how we can best connect with them and nurture their God-given talents and abilities.”
Well, you might start by NOT subjecting us to overwhelming pain and mortal terror, as the standard introduction to life in our mother’s care: the brutal excision of our man-hood, both physical and psychological.
Can you imagine what a mother chimpanzee would do to you if you tried to do this to her son? Chimps have very strong arms. Yet human females seem to have no problem with it. (There are exceptions, but very rare.)
> “Our son’s brains work differently”
You bet they do. The human brain at birth is only 25% of its final size. The rest is built during the first few years of life, most of it during the time before the infant has language, which is necessary for thinking, and conscious memory. Any traumatic experience during that time is built into the subconscious foundation level of the brain, and will be part of the child’s basic psychology for life.
Whoever thought up this satanic ritual was indeed very clever, doing it in infancy, so he can have no conscious memory of the experience, which nevertheless is stored as trauma in the body. (See Bessel van der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score”.) Where it will decisively affect his entire life.
More than 100 million American boys and men have been processed through this experience in the last century. Some die from the shock, though that statistic is covered up with the euphemism of “SIDS”. “Gee, he just died; we don’t know why.” The survivors are crippled for life. Why? What’s the point? What is accomplished by this?
Has there been any change in the collective character of American men in this time? Of the nation as a whole? The incidence of suicide among American men is FOUR TO FIVE TIMES that among women. Gee, I wonder why?
I found Jantz’s book online, and did a search: the word “circumcision” does not appear anywhere in it. Why not? Why the conspiracy of silence? So far as I’m concerned, this guy is useless. Don’t know when he was born, but it’s verging on 100% certain he was circumcised.
He talks a lot about the Bible. See Genesis 17: Abraham was instructed by God to circumcise not only himself and his sons, but also his slaves, who were not thereby freed or raised to “chosen” status, but remained slaves. Do you notice anything a trifle odd about the relationship of the American people to “our elder brothers in the Faith” (quote from several Popes)? Like who actually runs this country?
I’ve been talking about this, asking this question, for ~30 years now, since I began to learn what this tender little ritual did to me. (Spoiler: it ruined my life, though it took me 50 years to begin to see the connection.) In that time, at the usual rate of 6000/day, some 65 MILLION more baby boys’ man-hood has been sacrificed to the satanic deity Americans apparently worship. Why?
So far as I know, I am the only man who, by coincidence, has experienced the long-term results of this treatment (including a several-day trip through PTSD hell) in a way that made clear the reason behind it. Though I now see its effects throughout our society. Including American women who’ve been complaining about men all my life, obviously suffering from an inability to find men they can respect – even as they continue to participate happily in the horror. It’s truly a nightmare.
Jacqueline
Hi, Phil,
I changed my stance about circumcision a long while ago. I concur that it can even restructure the brain in some specific ways.
I wrote about it here: https://deeprootsathome.com/brain-may-may-be-permanently-altered-from-infant-circumcision/ Please share it as widely as you can and let people decide for themselves.
Also, on another note, I recommend a specific homeopathic remedy that can begin to heal the emotional side of PTSD. I take it myself (alongside millions more) for PTSD. It is inexpensive and it really works. You can read what it did for my granddaughter after a PTSD causing event in her young life here: https://deeprootsathome.com/homeopathy-for-my-family-colic-bladder-infection-grief-more/
See #1 for context. There is a non-Amazon link in there for the correct $9 product.. everyone needs to take this wonderful God-given plant medicine.
God bless you now, Phil, and I pray for healing moving forward!
Sending peace,
Jacqueline