Please hear me.
This is not a diatribe on what’s wrong with parents, but a plea to reevaluate if what we’re doing is working. As a parent myself, I was not exempt from these pressures even in the 90s, so I speak from experience on things I wish I had changed.
For 3-4 decades now, this culture has told us parents to be fully attuned to their children’s material and psychological needs, NEVER speaking or doing anything which might undo a child’s self-esteem and always giving them heaps of praise.
If the behavior problems in schools and the heightened level of fragility on college campuses are any indication, this kinder, gentler, ‘let-me-be-your-buddy’ approach to parenting hasn’t produced the outcomes we desired. Would we see a behavior change for the better if parents re-established their authority and firmly, but lovingly, taught their children right from wrong?
In 2015, the American Family Survey identified a lack of discipline and training by parents as one of the biggest challenges American families face.
We are now seeing the fruit. Dr. Sax on Parenting in an Age of Disrespect
Dr. Leonard Sax, author of Adrift and The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups, tells a personal story of one startling display of disrespect in his medical practice. He recounts it in The Wall Street Journal:
“Kyle was absorbed in a videogame on his cellphone, so I asked his mom, ‘How long has Kyle had a stomach ache?’ Mom said, ‘I’m thinking it’s been about two days.’ Then Kyle replied, ‘Shut up, mom. You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ And he gave a snorty laugh, without looking up from his video game. Kyle is 10 years old.”
Unfortunately, Dr. Sax continued— such behavior is becoming more of the norm:
“I have been a physician for 29 years. This sort of language and behavior from a 10-year-old was very rare in the 1980s and 1990s. It would have been unusual a decade ago. It is common today.
“America’s children are immersed in a culture of disrespect: for parents, teachers, and one another. They learn it from television, even on the Disney Channel, where parents are portrayed as clueless, out-of-touch or absent. They learn it from celebrities or the Internet. They learn it from social media. They teach it to one another. They wear T-shirts emblazoned with slogans like ‘I’m not shy. I just don’t like you.’”
“As parents, we bubble-wrap our kids and keep them in their comfort zone. In their minds, we have created an illusion that life is a picnic filled with immediate gratification and endless fun. We have made our kids believe that life is all about ‘me’ and about doing what “I want and whenever I want it”. Likewise, we have taught them that life is free of responsibilities and challenges as everything falls on their golden plate without lifting a finger. We have made them think that in life “everyone wins a trophy” regardless of his effort and “nothing is your fault.”
Parenting in the Age of Awfulness
‘No’ is a Bad Word
A little girl ran behind the counter at work, and I quickly redirected her with a friendly, but firm, “No, you can’t come back here. Let’s find your parents.” Well, her parents were standing right there, fully aware of the situation and without missing a beat they corrected me.
“Oh, we don’t use that word.”
“I’m sorry?”
“We don’t tell her no.”
(Story and image source) see ‘People From Around The World Share The Most Spoiled Rotten Kid They Have Ever Come Across’
Dr. Sax on how to instill some civility.
Dr. Sax writes, “…in a certain way you need to expect kids to behave like adults, but you should NOT give them the authority of an adult.” (source)
Photos by August de Richelieu on Pexels
This is not an attack on all parents, but some parents, Sax notes, have done just the opposite.
- They have turned their commands into questions, in effect, getting permission from the child
- They make their children the final determiners of what they can and cannot do
As a result, children are allowed to choose what and when they want to eat, what they wear, when they want to go to bed, how they spend their time, the school they want to attend and any number of other decisions which children simply don’t have the wisdom or maturity to make on their own.
Dr. Sax diagnoses such a state as a sign of “cultural confusion” and suggests that we’re headed down the wrong path when we try to treat it by placing children on medication to control their behavior:
“Every era has its challenges, but I don’t think we’re recognizing ours.”
“There’s been an explosion in the proportion of kids on medication in this country. Kids need authority, and when parents step back from authority, what’s happened in many cases is that the doctor steps in, and instead of parents setting clear rules of right and wrong, now you’ve got this kid running around, throwing things, and is put on medication. So, American kids are now 90 times more likely to be on medication for behavior compared to kids in Italy for example.” ~Dr. Leonard Sax
Sax concludes that instead of continually trying to make their children like them, parents need to be unafraid to lay down the rules and take responsibility “to teach right and wrong.”
Would you agree?
Do you believe it is time for today’s parents to reverse course and begin teaching their children to respect others first instead of their own little selves?
Resources that make a difference:
Here is one way to start. And here’s another… Parenting Strategies For The Child Who Rules You and Your Home
“For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind…” ~Hosea 8:7
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Jeannette
This is so good. You see it everywhere. I am even hesitant to help with certain ministries in our church, because if I ask kids to stop doing something, their response is nonverbal, but they usually completely ignore me. Heaven help teachers!
Cherylq
I’m horrified at the disrespect kids show to adults (and to other kids) these days. I don’t know what the solution is, but I do believe that parenting skills are not the same as they were ‘back in the day’. I’m wondering what my grandchildren will be like when they start talking – hoping my daughter and son-in-law show some discipline at home.
Jacqueline
Hi, Cherylq!
Yes, we corrected our children gro really small so there was not a battle when they were bigger. We did spank as needed, but using firm, “No!” and a swat on the behind (if they defied our command) starting really young helped so much to curb their little sin natures. It was always in love (as biblical Christians), we taught them scriptures and modeled them as best we could. We parents asked forgiveness and were grieved by our own sin, and literally taught character as we homeschooled. Our children are all happily married and will spank as we did bc they saw (the way we did it -without anger) and saw the changes in their hearts as the word of God changed them. 😀
It was and always is a process.
Have you read these posts that will give greater insights?
https://deeprootsathome.com/missing-secret-success/ (#1 recommendation – the basis for everything else))
https://deeprootsathome.com/kids-bored-entitled/
https://deeprootsathome.com/tough-love-video/
https://deeprootsathome.com/30-ways-parents-can-guarantee-having-to-support-their-kids-forever/
I hope this helps! Praying for you and your family, Cherylq
~Jacqueline
Naama
This is such a hard topic. We insecure parents were looking everywhere for advice. We didn’t want to do what our own parents did, crush sensitive souls and fill them with self-doubt, or make them fake and plastic. So we found unconditional parenting and people like Alfie Kohn and Naomi Aldort. We found unschooling (even if we didn’t unschool, we imbibed the lessons of allowing curiosity to flourish instead of encouraging rigid working for grades). Now we are reaping what we sowed. Our family dynamics are completely messed up. But all the while, I thought, anyway, that trying to parent this way as much as I could, to teach and inspire and respect and encourage, not demand, was a necessary counterweight to the old-school approach I was raised with and that my husband brought, which seemed borderline abusive when used on rambunctious ADHD-type kids who responded “paradoxically” and just acted out anyway. Using the new methods, we all thought if we could only stay the course, tolerate the nastiness spewed our way and lovingly and respectfully explain a better way to that disrespectful kid later, it would create kids who did good from intrinsic motives, who understood and empathized with the human condition and would eventually grow up to create relationships with more love and less ego and change the world for the better. We thought, if we allowed our kids to explore and read and learn on their schedule, it would create kids with no upper limits to their love of intellectual exploration, who worked hard out of a passion for learning.
Instead, we have disrespectful, undisciplined kids. I don’t know. I was just trying to do better. Did these people all lie to us?
Jacqueline
Sadly, Naama, Dr. Spock and other have strayed so far from the truth as to be the same as a lie. Children need and love boundaries. In their little (as yet unreasoning) minds they will resist, but it is vital for children to have boundaries, other wise THEY FEEL INSECURE. That insecurity leads to acting out to GAIN boundaries! Like asking for them if that makes sense, but soon it becomes hedonism and finally narcissism. A pretty scary place to be at 8 or 14.
I do have so many questions if you are really wanting to seek answers. Maybe you would be willing to read my response to Cherylq for more…
I’m praying for you now,
Jacqueline
Lisa
He was also a socialist and a huge advocate for abortion. I’d say that made him not only a hypocrite but an advocate for the murder of the most fragile and innocent. Since he was unrepentant in life and now dead, justice is being applied and he’s having to answer for his crimes against children.
Jacqueline
Lisa, by ‘he’, do you mean Loenard Sax?I didn’t know that! Can you provide me with something that shows that clearly? Thanks!
~Jacque
Peg
Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond is a great book for young parents and for grandparents who want to encourage their grown sons and daughters to use Godly wisdom in how the raise their children. Rosemond is a 70+ year old family psychologist who is still in practice today. He was a newly graduated psychologist and a brand new father in the 70’s when, enamored by the bunk he was taught is graduate school, set out to put into practice all he learned in academia to his own family. Lo and behold, his own son went to school and was branded the worst behaved student his experienced teacher had ever attempted to teach. Rosemond then began to take a good hard look at what he had been taught, and he and his wife returned to “old-school” parenting of their youth and turned their family around. The book thoroughly explains what is wrong with modern psychology and gives hope and help to new parents and grandparents.
Jacqueline
Peg, thank you for your comment! I wish I had more time to dig into the book and write a post; sadly the schedule would have me a slave!
Blessings,
Jacque
Kathleen Aherne
Such an important subject, one everyone who is in contact with children should consider and learn from. Our Menaka has chosen this post to be featured in our next Blogger’s Pit Stop.
Kathleen
Jacqueline
THank you, Kathleen and Menaka!
Diana Jane
Wow this is the perfect subject to use to bring up my books. Thank you so much for sharing with us!
I am a Children’s Christian Picture Book Author/Illustrator, writing under a pen name, that was inspired to write during the isolation due to COVID 19 and the loss of my dear father due to Alzheimer’s.
Inspired by my father and my experience as a Paraprofessional Educator, my main focus is on gently and enjoyably instilling values in children from a young age that will lead to a better sense of community, helping to develop leaders that set a good example for a more successful society as a whole. Love of others brings us all together on common ground with a common purpose.
I have written five picture books that are part of a series, now for sale on Amazon with more books to come in the future. Each book contains colorful and hand drawn whimsical sketches as well as a Bible quote to support each lesson. One of the books also covers the topic of explaining social distancing to young children in a fun and lighthearted manner.
I would so love the opportunity to get my books out there to help parents teach love of others!
Diana Jane
https://www.bit.ly/dianajane
Insightful Ewe Book Series
Jacqueline
Hi, Diane Jane!
I am glad you let us know here about your books! They sound delightful and very helpful! I am maxed out time wise due to a number of factors.. the schedule is bursting at the seams through next spring.
I am really sorry but need to decline writing a post on them.
Grace and peace,
Jacqueline
Diana Jane
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply, Jacqueline!
If you do happen to find an opportunity at some point next year, I have now also created free and fun animated read aloud videos of my books on YouTube.
bit.ly/dianajaneyoutube
Thanks again,
Diana Jane
Insightful Ewe Book Series
Lisa
I hate to sound harsh, but today’s kids wouldn’t be alive after such disrespect if it was Old Testament times. Children were stoned and put to death for willful disobedience to parents and other unruly behavior. Kids today don’t know or understand these things because everyone only wants to hear about God as just love and hugs. They ignore how He can and will be wrathful and a consuming fire when constantly provoked. I feel very confident, even though we now live under the New Testament (thank the Lord) that God takes a very dim view of disrespectful children and their failing parents( Yes, failing parents!) You can see the evidence already as they’re growing up to be absolutely horrible teens and adults. My mother was born in 1930, she had me late in her life for her generation, she was an ancient 33 yrs old when I was born. I was taught right from wrong early on, I was given warnings for incorrect behavior and when I continued to act out I was not only spanked hard enough for it to hurt my backside, I often received additional punishment on top of it. When she said “No” there was no begging or tantrum throwing if I knew what was good for me. Punishment is a word so many fear to use today, but punishment applied as directed by God works in most cases. There will always be rebellious kids, sometimes it resolves with maturity,
but often not. By the way, shame (another “bad” word) is not a bad thing it means you have a conscience and are likely to feel guilty for your poor choices and actions. Shame, like spanking can be mis-applied and abused, but when used correctly and for the proper reasons, it’s a necessary deterrent. People are born innocent, in that they are not held accountable by God for their sins, until they reach an age of understanding of consequences & accountability. But people are not born good, they must be taught what is good, what is right and wrong and they must not only see how consequences occur in the lives of others, but also suffer those consequences themselves in order to understand and develop self discipline. It’s something we will all have to work on in various ways, our entire lives. Discipline of a child is for THEIR benefit, even if it hurts their feelings, dents their self esteem, makes them feel bad (aka part of developing a conscience) and they need to learn the world definitely does NOT revolve around them. There’s a difference between a strict parent that’s loving and a parent that lashes out in frustration or spends all their time devoted to themselves making their kids feel unwanted and unloved. Your kids might hate you at times, but that’s okay. One day, when they’re mature and have to live in the real world, they’ll understand why you did what you did and realize nobody does it perfectly and neither will they. Parenting is hard and listening to liberal minded, idiots is a recipe for disaster every time. We were strict, but loving with our kids and of course they complained and got mad often enough, but now they’re just as strict with their kids and just like us, they have no sympathy for their whining. It helps if you think about the end result of their upbringing, rather than why they’re complaining or upset in the moment. Your duty is to get them safely and properly raised to adulthood, not be their buddy . Unfortunately that path is seldom the fantasy scenario of the always happy, obedient kids and the well rested, carefree parents. Good luck to you all still in the trenches and God bless your efforts.
Jacqueline
Oh, Lisa, I absolutely agree with the whole thing you wrote. I hope people will read it ALL for context and nuance or they may totally misunderstand.
That said, we raised our 3 the way you describe, too, and ALL our 3 are competent, responsible, chose good marriage partners and are caring and kind (yet normal, imperfect) parents.
They would be the first to tell someone that. Thankfully, they are raising their children with similar boundaries. We homeschooled and have heard from all 3 of our kids that they intend to, as well. We bonded together on a farm doing hard things and also played hard.
We weren’t perfect as parents, had to learn a lot the hard way, but with God as our first love, we loved our children and would have died for them and almost had to actually do it several times. We did spank (oh, horrors) and had to apologize to them from time to time, but later in life they told us, “Thank you, I am glad you did, even though it wasn’t perfect.”
My motto was and still is, “Pay now or pay later.” That goes for both in parenting and their spiritual upbringing in the Lord. The most important thing was that they would bow the knee to their Creator and live their life focused on their eternity. We prayed a lot and still do now that we have 5 very young grandchildren and the world is so corrupt and out of control.
I’ve wanted to write about it, but still haven’t..
I appreciate your sharing your thoughts here!
Many blessings to you and your family,
Jacqueline
Nicole
I have to say that my initial reaction was similar to the previous poster who referred to a generation of parents doing their best to find a better way after having been raised to feel like a failure unworthy of even self-respect. Sadly, I think the generation or two prior suffered much neglect in a world of shiny new distractions and obligations for their own parents as they were growing up. Then when they were raising us (or our parents), the deep emotional and spiritual needs were not met and there were forms of abuse so common that they would never be addressed until the next generation came along. Today’s parents may be formidably distracted and obligated, but we see ourselves as much more focused on our children and their needs than our parents seemed to be. For that reason, we have found ourselves with no other source of advice or guidance than the experts who related to us our own concerns and desires, leading us to experiment with their approaches as we waited to reap the results. Not making excuses, but hoping to add context to the conversation.